Sex issues- TMI

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

Hmmm, this is tricky. I get what you are saying about him grabbing you. His attempts are starting to feel like pressure and it’s probably killing any romance around the whole thing. Plus, as much as it’s nice to feel desired, it’s also important that shows he loves you for WHO you are as well. Touching should also show affection, not just be there to initiate sex. 

It sounds like you need to come to a compromise. Perhaps once a day or something? Maybe you could try doing some “just for him” quickies where the main object is to satisfy him, while still making sure you feel loved, during and after? I’m not sure what else to suggest. 

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That sounds rough. Here are my thoughts:

– Neither of you can change your sex drive.

– Even if his sex drive is high, grabbing your boobs constantly and obnoxiously is disrespectful and has to stop. You’re his wife, not his sex mannequin. Tell him what you told us – that you understand he is trying to initiate sex, but his method makes you feel disrespected, is extremely immature, makes you feel the opposite of sexy, and needs to stop.

– Even if you can’t fit his whole dick in your mouth, you can use your tongue while jerking him with your hand, right? A daily half-blowie or topless handjob might be a compromise that meets him in the middle – he gets some sexual activity from you every day, and your poor vag doesn’t have to be in a constantly bruised state.

– Would you consider opening the relationship?

Post # 4
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Some things you can do together that aren’t intercourse but may help satisfy him:

  • He pleasures himself while you are kissing him/touching him/talking to him/ pressing up against him in some way
  • You sit at his feet and lick his penis while he pleasures himself
  • You talk dirt to him/send him dirty messages and he pleasures himself

Also remember to remind yourself that this is (in some ways) a good problem to have. His desire for you is insatiable and he obviously finds you incredibly attractive. It’s nice to feel wanted and sexy.

You need to start putting some limits on things – he is only allowed to ask once a day and that includes verbal and non-verbal asking. But this will take work on your part too. If he has already asked you that day and then starts to grab your breasts, you have to give him the benifit of the doubt. My SO will grab my butt or breasts etc randomly throughout the day. He isn’t trying to initiate sex, he just wanted to grab my butt! He was showing me that he cares for me and finds me sexy. Is is possible that your husband does his too but you always take it to mean more than it does? 

If you feel like there is not enough intimate touching happening (hugging, gentle kissing, arm touching etc) then make sure you voice your wants. Tell him that ass grabbing makes you feel like an object whilst hugging makes you feel loved. He needs to know that there is a difference to you. 

Also see if perhaps you initiating sex helps, it is possible that he just doesn’t feel wanted by you and so is trying feel wanted by having a lot of sex? 

I also suggest going to see a clinical sexologist. Their job is to help couples work through the sexual incompatibilities and they may have some great suggestions for you. 

Post # 5
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Tigerlilybride:  Holy hell, those are some graphic answers. Lol! I second the sex counselor. My ex would grab me inappropriately, it was gross. I think if it’s a turn off then it’s a turn off! No romance at all. Your DH could be a sex addict?? I don’t know, that’s a LOT of sex he’s having and trying to have.

Post # 7
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

Tigerlilybride:  While I understand he has a high sex drive, that doesn’t mean that you “have to satisfy” his every desire when he wants it. Part of being a grown adult is learning how to control your desires and accept when things aren’t going to go your way. Has your sexual relationship always been like this/or has it changed over time?

While compromise may need to happen, it needs to be reasonable and on both of your terms. Him grabbing you inappropriately and pressuring you is not only unromantic, it’s also really off putting/rude in general. You are his wife, not some person he can treat however he wants and expect for his sexual needs to always be met.

I agree with other PPs who suggest a sex therapist, it may help give further guidance and understanding for both of you. Other PPs have also made good recommendations about alternatives. If he wants to masturbate multiple times a day, then he has a right to, but you don’t have to have sex with him everyday if that isn’t something you enjoy/aren’t capable of doing.

Good luck OP!

Post # 8
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Good for you getting it off your chest. I agree about the birth control sex drive issue. It is a huge turn off when guys grab our boobs, etc!

Have you considered couseling? That way you have a mediator and he can understand your feelings.

Post # 9
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Tigerlilybride:  You could also look into getting him a flashlight and using it with him to keep you involved. I certainly think that he needs to lay off but also that by coming up with sex alternatives it might help you guys meet in the middle. 

Post # 10
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I meant fleshlight in my previous comment. 

Post # 11
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

Tigerlilybride:  I don’t think he’s a sex addict, I currently have sex 2x a day and I’ve never thought I wasn’t normal. You really shouldn’t be getting sore. Give him a chance to turn you on and/or use lube. A lot of women only start getting into sex once they’ve started (reactionary arousal). Granted, grabbing your shirt is not sexy but it doesn’t sound like you’re giving him a chance to turn you on.

 

Also, try initiating once in awhile. It will be on your own terms and guys really appreciate it bc it doesnt happen often.

Post # 12
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

you must be young i am and i get the same problems lol might have to wait another 10 or so years for them to learn the art of seduction lol

Post # 13
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You poor thing. I hate feeling pressured into sex. I know my sex drive is very low compared to my husband’s and when he wants it he is very persistent.. he will make it seem like he can go without but then sometimes he will try to initiate it again and again until i have to give in.. i find it a big turn off too being hounded for it.. tell him to give himself a hand..  you’re not his sex slave!

Post # 14
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

Sexual harassment doesn’t stop being a thing once there’s a ring on your finger. Constantly grabbing your tits and trying to rip your shirt off of you, totally unsolicited and despite repeated attempts to tell him to stop, is disrespectful and inappropriate in a healthy relationship. You need to talk it out like adults and come to a verbal compromise, and then put into practice and see how you both feel.

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hmmm. First, are you sure it’s twice per week? If so, I would pick a third time per week and perhaps initiate.

Twice per week isn’t exactly a sexless relationship. Every relationship has its own kind of “normal”, so there is no magic number, but your husband desiring sex every day and multiple times per day is excessive.

Have you told him how you feel in a non-accusatory way? Have you told him how you need to be seduced? You should. You should also tell him that you need non-sexual affection. Talk to him. Maybe add one more time per week as the initiator. That’s all you can do.

Get professional counseling if it continues.

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