(Closed) Sex life after mega dry spell – how to initiate? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry you guys have had to experience this and I hope it improves soon. Hugs.

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@IBeeAnonymous:  Your closing sentence made me laugh, thank you for that. It sounds like you have the biggest part of the problem solved, and that’s the communication barrier that’s been building up so long. I understand your feelings of being hurt, and feeling unattractive is not good at all for motivation. 

Hopefully you can find something external besides your FI that helps you get motivated into living a more healthy lifestyle. You should never do it for another person, because you should be your first priority when it comes to your own health. 

As for taking the reigns, is there a way you can get from him what he wants from you so you know what to do that will be pleasurable? If the conversation is too awkward, try this:

 http://www.drugstore.com/the-kama-sutra-game-the-journey-begins/qxp70260?catid=182020

This way you can both figure out what the other enjoys. 

Post # 5
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well I have a super high sex drive so I know I could not go that long w/o it.  TMI alert….I actually “jumped” DH on the sofa earlier which lead to some pretty awesome spontaneous action. 

How is your sex drive?  I know that exercising for me def. increases mine but that’s not always a good thing since it’s high to begin with. 

I understand that you feel “unexperienced” and that might hamper your efforts to initiate.  Maybe try being a completely different person in the bedroom…someone you’d never be IRL and jump him.  I know that men love it when women are into it.  And all the men I’ve talked to really have no problem with their SO’s size as long as SHE feels sexy. 

 

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well my only red flag is that he seems to take issue with your weight- and it will always be the elephant in the room for him. Personally, I like when you said If he doesn’t value you now, he doesn’t deserve you ” thinner”.

Not having sex for years, is also a big issue. There is a whole lot going on perhaps more than meets the eye? Have you guys considered counseling? You can throw out all the Cheetoes and slim down all you want but I think some acceptance, trust, self-esteem and honesty issues are going on.

As far as sex…perhpas you could ask him if he has any fantasies? Dress up? Role playing? Toys? Positions? Locations?

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Eva Peron:  Agree with wise Ms. Peron here. Love her! πŸ™‚ Listen to what she says!

Post # 9
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@StuporDuck:  Yeah, but Mrs. Schnooks never fails for good advice πŸ˜‰ Who doesn’t love a Karma Sutra game! 

Post # 10
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s time for you to watch some porn. Get comfortable with all the different kinds of ways to have sex. Think about which you want to try and them go for them. SHOW him something you see that excites/interests you and say “I’m going to do that, you should try this.”

Post # 13
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You have to decide if YOU want to make changes in yourself. Who knows, maybe if you lose weight and feel better about yourself, you might not want to be in a relationship with HIM! I think we women give men a lot of power when we’re unhappy with ourselves. So you’ve gained weight…this isn’t healthy for you physically or mentally. I speak from experience, not thinness. I was a size 9 for my wedding gown when I ws 24. Now I’m a size 18 -lots of infertility drugs, two mondo babies, PCOS, thyroid issues and 29 years later…my FI is 15 years younger, genetically thin and handsome by any standards. He tells me all the time that if I want to lose weight to do it for myself. And that’s the only reason you should too. I’m working out every day now-great pre-wedding stress relief and it’ll pay off in appearance eventually. I’ll feel better about myself.

If your man behaved a little differently over the “dry” years, you might have worked harder on yourself but you probably got depressed, did a little or a lot of self-loathing and sought solace in some carbs. Take care of yourself first, then decide where you want HIM in YOUR life. You have the power!

Post # 14
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Exercise together! Get all sweaty and get those endorphins going and make it a goal to jump into the shower with him after a workout. Exercising makes me feel sexier anyway.

At any rate, I’ve gained about 45lbs since we met four years ago – I was a sexy, curvy 135lbs, but when staying in to eat shrimp Alfredo and watch a movie with him became more fun than going to the gym every night, the weight started creeping on. A year and a half after we started  dating, we got pregnant and I got into a car accident that left me with chronic neck and back pain that’s made losing the 55lbs I gained during pregnancy pretty tough. We have sex 2-4x/month and we both realize that I’m not nearly as attractive as I used to be. It hurts knowing that he doesn’t have the hots for me like he used to, but I know that I’m not hot anymore, either. He’s gained some weight himself, like maybe 5lbs though (though he eats twice as much as I do) but we’re open enough about it that we can still be passionate with our intimacy.

Post # 16
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@IBeeAnonymous:  You’re right, I need to take care of my health for me. I don’t do too badly on my own as far as making healthy food selections, but I’ve let his eating habits negatively influence me when I cook for both of us. My metabolism is too slow to eat the same foods he does.

That’s really not fair of him to do. I get that he’s lucky his metabolism allows him much more leniance, but now that HE’s the one who’s said he would find himself more attracted to you if you shed a few pounds, he should be SUPPORTING you- and that’s going to mean he needs to give up the junk food (or at least cut back) too. I’m going to be honest, I’m one of those “lucky” people who can eat pretty much anything and stay fairly slim *knock on wood*, BUT I cut it all out when my (now) husband decided he wanted to lose some weight pre-wedding. We agreed to remove all junk food from the house, work out, and just generally both eat healthy- and IF I really wanted to eat something that would be really detrimental for his weight loss/health (i.e. fast food), I’d do it when he was out of the house, and not leave tempting leftovers lying around! He is your partner and if he wants you to lose the weight, he had better be willing to fight the battle by your side!

@bearlove:  It’s time for you to watch some porn. Get comfortable with all the different kinds of ways to have sex. Think about which you want to try and them go for them. SHOW him something you see that excites/interests you and say “I’m going to do that, you should try this.”

I agree with this. You mention that you were not very experienced before being with your partner- can I ask if you had ever “explored” yourself on your own? I think we women are a lot more complicated then men when it comes to sexuality, and it’s difficult to communicate our desires and really “get into it” when we don’t really even know what we enjoy. Take some time to get comfortable with yourself sexually. I think it’s natural for us to assume that people who have slept around lots will naturally be more “skilled” then us less experienced folks. I certainly can relate- my husband is the first and only man I’ve been with, whereas for him “back in the day” lol he’d been with well…A LOT. I got an estimate once and it scared me haha! At first I was intimidated by this, but he was quick to explain, and I have since come to understand and agree with the fact that each person is different, and it’s up to you to know yourself well, and then take the time to discover and perfect what your partner enjoys.

@lorie:  If your man behaved a little differently over the “dry” years, you might have worked harder on yourself but you probably got depressed, did a little or a lot of self-loathing and sought solace in some carbs. Take care of yourself first, then decide where you want HIM in YOUR life. You have the power!

Great advice! I think we all have something we do to comfort ourselves in times of stress/anger/sadness. Taking care of yourself is so important. It’s funny, because you mentionned that he wants you to “be more assertive”- I would say feeling good about myself is the #1 thing that gets me to be more assertive in the bedroom! (which let’s face it, I think all men love from time to time) When I’m feeling confident and secure (and like I’m taking charge of my life!), I feel that much more open to taking charge in the bedroom! I hope you come to realize that taking care of your health (both physically and mentally) is of utmost importance, and once you do that (and NOT because he wants you to, but for yourself), you’ll be free to see the world more clearly and determine what you want for yourself in your life, and who you want in it!

Best of luck! ^_^

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