- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
(Regular Bee using anon acct for privacy)
I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just venting to work through it myself, but here goes.
FI and I have been together almost 3 years. In the beginning our sex life was easy, we just had sex a lot. Throughout all of it, he’s always been the one to initiate. I do sometimes, but much more often he does. He started to get frustrated by this, and would wait for me to initiate. Which ultimately lead to us having much less sex. He has a high sex drive, I know he masturbates often and watches porn here and there. He says he likes to watch some pretty kinky stuff, but that’s just fantasy and he doesn’t try anything adventurous in bed with me. Our sex life is quite frankly – boring. Super vanilla. He bought me a vibrator 2 years ago and we have used it once.
I know that he wishes that I were more adventurous and that I would initiate sex more and be the one to try new things without him having to ask for it. Now I’m not a prude, I like to get try new things and watch porn myself, but the frustrating part is that my libido is sooooo low. I also am shy about initiating. In my mind I’m wild and crazy but in reality I’m a wet blanket. I also have issues with my period, I spot a lot before I get AF and he doesn’t like to do stuff when I’m spotting/bleeding so that also takes away a lot of sexy time for us.
But I also wish that he wouldn’t be so tit-for-tat and hold out on me if I haven’t initiated in a while. I finished AF a week ago and he asked and I told him and we STILL have not had sex. Granted I haven’t initiated either. Last night I took my pants off while watching tv and he gave me a foot rub and I was trying to give him some signals and nothing. Then I got frustrated and cranky and he asked me what was wrong but I just said I was tired. I don’t know how to communicate about it, I know exactly what he’s going to say – if I want sex to do something about it, don’t be so passive. I also have a hesitation because I’m afraid he’s already masturbated that day at some point and won’t want to bother having sex.
I’m just at a loss. We go in cycles. It becomes an issue, we start having more sex for awhile, then it slows down again, we get annoyed and fight about it, it gets better… lather, rinse, repeat.
The tit-for-tat thing is a personality flaw of his. It comes through in all parts of life for him. He walked the dog this morning so I have to do it tonight. He washed the dishes yesterday so I have to do it today. He bought lunch, I have to buy dinner. He’s very “even stephen” and it’s something we’ve talked about many times. He gets better at it, but he doens’t think that this counts as part of that.
I absolutely know that I should be making more of an effort, I guess the issue is how do I get over the shyness? How do I increase my sex drive? I think I have a hormonal imbalance, I’m not on BC anymore which helped a little bit but not as much as we’d hoped. I didn’t used to be shy, I used to be aggressive. Ugh. I’m just so frustrated!! Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. Thanks, ladies.