Sex life needs work…

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsNotSoSure:  Hes a typical man, he wants you to initiate it as well.  Doesnt it make you feel wanted when he initiates it?  He wants to feel wanted as well and not like he making you do a chore.  Men are oblivios to signals, go for it.  Dont be embarrassed, just go for it.  Start rubbing him, and give him a slight smile.  As for him masturbating regularly….So!!  Guys can blow a load more than one time a day.  Trust me, he would much much rather have sex with you than with his hand, it feels better.  As for vanilla…girl come on!!!  Ask him about his fantasies….if you are a little too shy for that, go through his computers history and find the sites he masturbates to and get an idea of what he likes.  He may be too shy to do these things with you as well.  If he likes…lets say seeing a girl give her guy anal then that must intrigue him for some reason.  Go out to a sex shop, find a cheap, SMALL, anal toy and lube and surprise him with it.  Give him a seductive smile and pull him in the room and tell him hes getting it used on him whether he likes it or not.  This could be for anything that he is secretly watching but ‘not wanting to do with you.’ 

Post # 4
Member
5421 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MrsNotSoSure: You need to communicate, and both of you need to make more of an effort to understand each other.

If you are uncomfortable initiating sex, tell him. explain that you do like sex, but that you just don’t feel very comfortable initating it. At the same time, you need to be prepared to make an effort. You don’t have to put on some crazy big show of seduction; it can be as simple as lying in bed together, lights off, under the covers, and kissing him or touching him; so think of ways that you might be more comfortable with initating it.

As far as your sex drive goes, often the more you have sex, the higher your sex drive. So, make an effort to have more sex; usually, this should increase your libido.

With regards to your concerns that he may have masturbated: unless he has masturbated literally right before, this will not be an issue for most men, my OH can climax several times a day without any problems. I would never even consider not initiating sex because he might have masturbated earlier that day…

If you want to spice up your sex life, I’d suggest that, because you’re shy, you start slowly, and remember that sexy doesn’t have to = sex. Something like a romantic bath followed by a massage can be pleasurable and sexy, but isn’t as daunting as, say, dressing up. Similarly, buying some new lingerie might make you feel sexier, and will probably be appreciated by him, too, but it’s quite a simple, unscary thing to do. Again, you need to communicate. Think about things you might like to try, and talk to your OH about it; if it helps, talk about it over a glass or two of wine as it might help lower your inhibitions.

The whole tit-for-tat thing is a whole other issue, and again, this is something that needs to be discussed, as frankly, I find that kind of attitude immature. Relationships are about compromise and give and take; and I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. So, this is something that you really need to address IMPO.

Post # 5
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’ve just gotta initiate. Just do it. He probably had no idea what was going on in your mind during the foot rub scenario. You know your libido is low, so plan a particular night of the week and stick to it. You may find that as the day draws closer and you are thinking about it, you will be more excited for the fun to come.

As for the shyness, you don’t have to do anything wild and crazy right away. Just work on initiating for now. In the heat of the moment later on, you can work on letting yourself go.

Like you, I was not shy in the past – but I also wasn’t with SO in the past. He is a traditional, vanilla, gentleman type, and I love him. It made me worry about shocking him. Truth is, underneath it all, he’s still a man. It took me time to do certain things in the heat of the moment. Once I did, he never was like, “Oh, you filthy woman! How could you act that way!” If you want to use toys, say, “*insert sexy time pet name here*, I want you to use my vibrator on me.”

Post # 6
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@MrsNotSoSure:  hugs!!

 

I’m in the same exact situation. Your life is my life lol. I don’t have any advice but sometimes just knowing there are others out there having the same issues as me gives me some reassurance. 

 

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I think it’s very common for couples to go through phases of trying to figure their sex life out. TALK!!! If he sees that just b/c you don’t initiate doesn’t mean you don’t want him to, then he will!

Getting cranky and hurt, etc. is totally normal, but don’t get into a passive-aggressive habit. Build the talking into your relationship now, b/c you have a long road ahead of you! Make it a sexy one! 😉

Post # 8
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MrsNotSoSure:  My heart broke when I read that you describe yourself sexually as a “wet blanket.”  🙁

I’m not sure if this is the case for you, but there have been plenty of times where my fiance really wants sex and I’m not exactly in the mood, so we’ll do a lot of foreplay to get me there.  It’s not that I don’t want sex or don’t find him attractive; it’s just that there are just days when I’m like, “Meh, I could do without having sex.”  That’s why it helps us a lot to try to just kiss and touch and slowly work our way up.  That might be something you could talk to your partner about…explain that you aren’t always jumping into bed totally ready to go sexually, but that you could work on getting in the mood together.  Plus, having that time before the actual sex can really make things intimate and sexy.  

Post # 11
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsNotSoSure:  Did you grow up in an affectionate family?  If not, as in, you dont give each other hugs, cheek kisses or whatever when you see eachother for the first time in a while or when you leave their company then it could just be your upbringing.  You just arent used to it.  There is no fault in that, it would just be something you would need to start trying to do. 

Post # 12
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@MrsNotSoSure:  “In my mind I’m wild and crazy but in reality I’m a wet blanket.” 

 

I laughed so hard at this, because I’m the exact same way. Also, just because a guy has masterbated once that day, doesn’t mean he can’t have sex again. Many guys can do it multiple times a day. But, I have a similar problem to yours. My sex life with my SO used to be really high, but starting about a year or so ago, my sex drive dropped significantly. I thought that it was because of some medicine I was taking at the time, but it’s obviously not lol. My SO is super understanding, but it does upset him every once in a while. He doesn’t get mean or angry, he just says that he wishes we had more sex, and that it is hard some times. Anyway, he says ideally he’d like to have sex 3 times a week, which is normal (or lower than normal for a lot of people), but sounds hard for me. :/

 

Anyways! On to your problem: I’d say work on your communication. You’re about to be married! You should be able to communicate about things like that, especially sex. I’ve found that if you just initiate the physical touching, it can kick your libido into drive. 

Post # 14
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsNotSoSure:  At least now you know where it comes from. Just keep explaining that you are the way you are because that is what you saw growing up.  Happens to the best of us.  This way he understands why you arent as affectionate as he would like, and realizes that it is not because you love him less.  Just sit in the living room or anywhere but the bedroom and talk to him about that.  Then just try.  Growing up I would ALWAYS run down stairs to give my dad a hug when he came home.  We were very affectionate, DH family not as much.  So now when DH gets home I jump up and give him a hug and a kiss as soon as he comes into the door. If he is home before me I go straight to him to give him a kiss at least.  I have communicated that I would like to see more initiative from him when it comes to hugging and kissing me randomly but I understand that it just isnt how he grew up.  His parents divorced after 18 yrs of marriage. 

Post # 15
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you are too shy to initiate it in person, why not send your FI an invite for sex?  We have iPhones and I was trying to show my DH how to use his calendar so I sent him an appointment for sex.  It became even more funnier when his dad grabbed his phone to show him how he could pull down the information tab that showed all his “appointments” for the day.  He quickly gave my DH back his phone when he saw that LOL!

Do you sext throughout the day?  When I’m having a low libido day, I find that sexting can help a lot.  It’s almost a form of foreplay for me.

 

Post # 16
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This may be a shot in the dark, but are you on birth control?

I ask because while I was on it, my libido dropped into negative territory. As in, I NEVER EVER EVER wanted sex. It was never on my mind, I wasn’t into it, it just wasn’t something I was interested in at ALL. FI took it like a champ though.

(in addition, I was really irritable and crabby all the time. Poor FI)

however, after a while i realized how the hormones were affecting me and I decided to take a break. and it was almost instantaneous, a week after I stopped taking the pills I was happier and more interested in sex. And now like 7 months after quitting, I’m back to liking and initiating sex (and I’m waaaay happier in general!), and my libido is back to where it was before.

And also, just *doing* it more often, even if you’re not interested in it at the beginning, helped me. Your body will almost “get used to it” and will almost come to expect sex that often. (if that makes sense?)

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