- 3 years ago
I’m a regular bee gone undercover (insert various gifs from spy movies here) because I’m really not sure if what I’m experiencing is normal and has to do with wedding stress or my birth control, maybe just a stage in my relationship? I’m hoping I can get some advice from the experienced ladies of the hive.
I’ve been together with my FI for nearly four years, and we’re a month and a half away from our wedding date. We have had a short engagement (I hate wedding planning) and are having a relatively mid-sized wedding. I come from a very Christian family where sex was basically taboo to talk about, and what sex I have been having before marriage has been ‘undercover’ if you will. FI and I have only been with each other (I dunno, it just happened that way) and I’m not really bothered by that.
For the first year and a half that we had sex, I’d say it happened four times a week. We were both living with our parents, so you can imagine how difficult that was. Sex was great, we learned a lot about each other, and we were honestly pretty crazy for another so we had no trouble getting all hot and bothered. Then things slowed down a little, probably down to once or twice a week, and then finally it stopped for 6 months. 6 months, no sex. I was getting really tired of all the hiding, and I guess my exasperation translated into not being particularly up for sex, so sometimes it was uncomfortable and overall I was just totally turned off by it.
FI, then boyfriend, understood completely and as much as he loves sex knew I needed that time and so we just sort of forgot sex for a while. I dunno, it doesn’t seem super healthy to me in retrospect either.
Finally he moved out and got his own apartment, and our sex life was about once a week for maybe 6 months. Then, about a month after he proposed, we just sort of fell off the bandwagon again and stopped. I was really discontent with our sex life, was physically uncomfortable during sex, and just lost interest. It’s been almost 3 months.
I love him very much, I would describe our relationship as feeling like putting on your favourite sweater, I’m comfortable with him and maybe some people might see it as a bad thing but I don’t. He’s my best friend, and sex with him when we are having it is usually pretty good, except for recently.
Our sex life is fairly vanilla. We basically use the same 3 sex positions as a majority, with another couple that get thrown in the mix sometimes. FI has the same interest each time, he just wants the exact same thing. He tries to help me get more into the mood, which apparently means making out with me for 45min before even taking my pants off. By that time I’m bored, and any spontinaeity has totally left the building and I’m basically just mushing my mouth against somebody else’s. That, or he finishes before we can even get anywhere because he’s been turned on for 45min. Everything is all soft and gentle, he’s absolutely silent through sex even when he’s enjoying (he ocassionally breaths louder than normal, but that’s it).
When we have sex, I have trouble becoming aroused, I kind of participate but I’m often frustrated and will just give up on trying to tell him what I want because he just doesn’t get it. I get bored easily, I have actually checked my watch to see the time during sex. I have to physically remove the alarm clock/my watch otherwise I’ll focus on how much time is dragging past. Due to my lack of arousal, sex is uncomfortable, and I typically am not interested in having it after having a couple of uncomfortable experiences. My body doesn’t exactly want to feel that ‘ouch’ feeling again.
I’ve tried talking to him about what he might be interested in, something to kind of branch out and get more exciting, but he just says ‘I dunno.’ and no matter how much I ask him there are apparently no secret fantasies in that man’s mind. He got all excited to tell me about this fantasy that he had one night, which was essentially the exact same routine we do all the time. I try to feel out ideas and see what he might enjoy, like I’ve suggested blindfolds or ‘no touching’ rules, I buy fancier undies instead of everyday cotton types to see if I can spark a little more interest for both of us, I ask him if he can be a little more aggressive and maybe even talk a little bit to me during sex (I’m loud and relatively talkative, haha) and have actually laid out phrases he could use. I have even told him if it makes him uncomfortable to say anything too explicit, he can always just give me a complement relating to whatever is going on (heck, he could even tell me I have great boobs, I’d be fine with that) He tried the whole talking thing once, said one thing, was silent after that and just said he didn’t enjoy it and didn’t want to do it again.
It’s gotten so bad I avoid going over to his house, because I know he’s going to want to have sex and I’m just so so so bored. The other day he sat me down and told me he’s figured that out, that I’m avoiding coming over because I don’t want to have sex, and that he thinks I’m not physically attracted to him. I apologized, and said I’m really stressed with wedding stuff and sometimes it’s hard to separate from that and I don’t really want to turn him down to his face, and said I’d try to do better. The truth is, in my life I never really was attracted to his particular body type, but I have become attracted to him because I know him as more than a body, and I guess my appreciation for who he is has also stemmed to an appreciation for him physically as well. I don’t think physical attraction is the real problem right now, but boredom on the other hand I think might be to blame.
I’ve been on the Nuvaring for 3 years, I’ve wanted to blame it on that but my loss in libido hasn’t been constant, it kind of is on and off and usually connects to stressful events in my life/the quality of my sex life.
Anyone have any similar experiences? How do you explain what you need sexually to somebody when you’ve already tried to demonstrate it/take the lead in the situation to show them/had indepth conversations about it and it just isn’t working? How on earth do you rejuvenate a sex life after the rough dry spells we have had? Is this normal when you’re planning a wedding?
So many questions, so little time. Thanks bees <3