Sex life with fiance has hit rock bottom.

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have you tried counsiling?  Even just for you might help.  Sex gets all these weird associations attached to it at the drop of a hat.  If you felt guilty before, you may still feel guilty about it, which might be holding you back from enjoying the moment.  Or you may like that bit of danger in your sex life but are not getting it anymore.  It sounds like you know something isn’t working for you, but it doesn’t sound like you know what.  It might be hard on your FI to try something new and then get blah in response.  Talking to someone who isn’t going to judge you may help you figure out something that may work for you.

Post # 3
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh dear… This doesn’t sound too great so close to the wedding to be honest. I’ll tell you the truth, I can relate to some of what you have written in terms of my sex life with my ex husband. He also seemed to want to do the exact same thing every single time and never listened when I tried to ‘guide’ him to what I enjoyed, I often ended up frustrated and his technique to ‘get me in the mood’ was also really slow foreplay, which is actually the opposite to what I wanted because, like you, my mind would wander and I would just get bored! In my case, well, we are now divorced and I would be lying if I said the sex had nothing to do with it. There were lots of problems in the relationship, but I also just didn’t ‘fancy’ him any more. Objectively he was a very good looking guy, probably more conventional attractive than my FI now, but I tell you what, sexual attraction isn’t much to do with looks in my experience. For me, I couldn’t get back the feelings of lust for my ex husband and I ended up dreading him kissing me (because I knew where it would lead) and feeling actually repulsed during sex.

You need to have a frank and open conversation before the wedding, and you need to do it very soon. Yes, it will be awkward to talk about your sex life and yes, it might be hard to do, but what’s harder is living in a sexless marriage. Affection without sex is also crucial – do you have cuddles and kisses without the pressure of sex? Me and my husband totally lost that and would go literally weeks without even holding hands. Do you find your FI attractive? Could you maybe explore things like porn together to try and get your imaginations going? 

If you love him and you really want to work on this then you are going to have to talk to him properly about it. I didn’t love my husband enough in the end, for lots of other reasons, but if you love him you have to address this because it doesn’t sound like he is going to and it won’t get better by itself. 

Post # 4
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh man, this is tough. I would not say that this is normal and that after the wedding everything will be fine; this is more than just wedding stress. I would definitely say couples counseling or even a sex therapist (it’s a legit thing) could help.

I think that some of what you’re saying is typical- after having sex with someone for 4 years, it may not always be hot and heavy, but it can and should still be great! It sounds like he’s really not interested in communicating or making sure your needs are met though, which are really important things. 

Post # 5
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t necessarily think you need counseling yet, just communication! since you are both each other’s firsts you are both still figuring out what turns each other on. just repeat this to yourself “no one is a mind reader”. sure maybe a guy who has had lots of practice know how to handle a woman more naturally but for you guys you will need to talk and talk and do even more talking. Sit down and say point blank hey so I would love to get us back on track here is a couple of things in thinking! I really like it when you… 

Dont rip rip him a part or make him feel bad or like he’s not pleasing you, just talk about what you need from him to get turned on and be open to listening to his needs as well. Like I said sex is new to both of you so as a guy he obviously he enjoys the three positions you are in, they feel good to him and he’s happy, he hasn’t had time to get bored yet, so you might have to be the one to take control and say hey let’s try this. Maybe trying a flavored lube or a sex toy (handcuffs?) might liven things up. I get that it’s kind of a turn off to be the dominant one while having sex (for some girls) so try talking about it before hand and then he can still take the lead. 

Does he go down on you at all? That’s a great way to get you ready to go. Foreplay that you enjoy is key, but again you need to communicate! When he does something you like and feels good say yes baby that’s it right there, so he knows! Just experiment and have open communication you will get on the same page. Also don’t worry dry spells are totally normal for everyone esp in long term relationships, they key will always be to try new things together. Good luck and by all means have fun!

Post # 6
326 posts
Helper bee

When you wrote ouch, it made me think you aren’t having enough lubrication… As PP suggested ORAL may be fabulous for you before intercourse. I had a low desire due to birth control once, it killes me! So address you concern with your doctor as well, maybe you need to switch. 

Post # 8
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

undercoverloverbee:  I am sorry but I just have to quickly comment:

“Our sex life is fairly vanilla. We basically use the same 3 sex positions as a majority, with another couple that get thrown in the mix sometimes” 

I read that SO wrong. I was like… wow… she thinks that is vanilla?? (Read that as in you also have sex with another couple, not positions) hahah then I re-read.

Post # 10
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

undercoverloverbee:  You forgot about sex for 6 months?  And now again for 3 months?  The only one I have heard worse was a friend of mine who hasn’t had sex with her husband in over 10 years!

This needs to get resolved now before the wedding if it’s an issue.  You say you both forget about sex, does that mean you totally forget because you’re both busy working, doing chores, living life, whatever?  Or you want sex but he doesn’t or vice versa?  Sometimes you will go through lulls in your sex life together where you will both have to make the extra effort to get back on track.  Sometimes it means making one night per week a sex night and taking care of business that night come hell or high water.

But there is such thing as sexual incompatibility.  It’s why many Bees advocate for having sex before marriage.  It sounds like you aren’t satisfied with your sex life.  It’s your resposibility to tell your partner what you prefer. Don’t critique him or complain about the bad stuff (it’s emasculating), focus on telling him what you like and what you want more of.  Tell him you think it’s sexy when he talks to you during sex or when he moans.  Watch some pornography together and try out some of the moves.  Definitely buy lube ASAP; it makes a huge difference (I like Astroglide because it’s water based and doesn’t make my lady parts itch after sex; you can use it with condoms too.)

Finally, if your family wasn’t comfortable discussing sex (and his family wasn’t either), these discussions are going to be tough at first.  It might help to have a sex therapist to initiate the conversation.  Maybe one or both of you feels guilty about sex before marriage and that’s why you end up going months and months without sex.  If you both are happy with that sex life then there’s nothing wrong with it.  But if you prefer having sex at least once a week then you need to work this issue out before getting married because it’s more likely to get worse rather than better as time goes on.

Post # 11
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you get UTIs from oral you can try a few things: 1) make sure to shower immediately after sex; or 2) have him wear a dental dam so his germs stay in his mouth.

Post # 12
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I sympathise with you because it is difficult to be on different pages, sexually, than your partner. But seriously girl, I am shocked that you would sit through 45 minutes of bad foreplay while feeling bored, unstimulated, disconnected and yet not speak up about it to your fiance. I am shocked that you avoid your fiance simply out of fear that he will want to initiate ultra-boring sex with you, again without sharing this vitally important information with your fiance so that he can realize how very damaging to a relationship a bad sexual connection can be. I find it very troubling that your fiance won’t share any of his desires with you, and that he only gave dirty talk one little baby try before giving up entirely.

I honestly believe you guys could benefit from working out your sexual issues with a therapist (sex therapist or at least sex-positive regular therapist) before marrying.  

If you are already avoiding him before the wedding simply because you are trying to avoid the bad sex you have with him, your marriage will not last. He may be a good person, but a good husband has to be a good person AND a good lover, otherwise he might as be just a friend.

Post # 13
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m confused, in your OP you said that you and FI have only been with each other, but then in a response you said that in your last you’ve been able to maintain a normal sex life? Do you mean masturbation?


I think you should sit down and talk to your FI and have a frank, open, honest discussion with him. You can both try new things together, but he has to be able to put in the effort too.

Post # 14
69 posts
Worker bee

Definitely talk to your gyno about switching birth control.  Have you tried lube (Not just lubricated condoms)?

As for the UTIs, I used to get them frequently from sex.  My gynecologist prescribed me nitrofurantonin. It’s an antibiotic, and I take one after sex to prevent UTIs.  I was getting one once a month and I haven’t had one since seeing my doc last July (knock on wood.)

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