Post # 1
As many others, I am writing this post under a fake name as I am very active on the wedding boards and this is embarassing. I can’t even bring myself to tell my friends about our situation.
I am quite concerned about my relationship from an intimacy standpoint.
My Fiance and I have been together 2.5 years. I’m 29, he’s 28. We have a 100% perfect relationship. I know many say this but I’ve dated MANY guys in my past, and none compare to this relationship. I knew from our first date that I was going t marry him. We are both successful in our professional lives. We do not fight over finances, going out with friends, etc. From the outside, we look like the perfect engaged couple.
The only problem is we rarely have sex. When we met, we weren’t a sexually charged couple so I’m not expecting twice per day. That isn’t us. When we met, we would have sex maybe 3-4 times per month – normally after a few drinks were involved. Now we have sex maybe once every 3 months. Our intimacy pattern doesn’t seem to bother my Fiance at all. It bothers me sometimes – enough to where I am posting this, obviously. We have had many discussions over the past two years about increasing our intimacy and nothing ever changes.
I think part of the problem is that my Fiance doesn’t last long enough. He always apologizes at the end of sex because he climaxed too fast. Also, there isn’t enough foreplay so I’m never really “ready” when he starts. I’m not the woman who climaxes with sex so I need stimulation in other ways. All in all, it ends up being pretty boring for me. I’ve purchased a couple sex books – about spicing things up, etc. He told me he would read them (I read the book I bought) and his just collected dust.
Outside of the bedroom, he is very affectionate, we both are. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. Kisses me many times per day. We enjoy laying together in bed before we sleep just talking. We have a very open relationship. We are very much in love with each other.
I’m just not sure why the intimacy doesn’t come natural to us like every other aspect of our relationship. I’d really like to get this fixed before we get married.
Suggestions? Advice? Thanks Bees!
Post # 3
I think one of the main things to remember is that anything to do with a man’s performance in the bedroom is really difficult for them to deal with. It is always (whatever we tell them) an afront to their manhood.
It seems the issue stems from this – not lasting long enough, and I would bet that his lack of interest in increasing you intermacy stems from his wounded man pride. He doesn’t want to change the situation as it mean admitting it has something to do with him.
What contraception do you use? There are condoms that have something in them that delays him – that might be a help?
Other than that, I think you need to bite the bullet and sit him down and in a very supportive way discuss the problem. You need to make him realise that he isn’t less of a man if he needs help in that department and that you love him whatever.
Post # 4
IMO, the reason he isn’t lasting as long is because you are having sex so infrequently. In my experience, the longer a guy hasn’t had sex, the faster he climaxes.
Have you talked to him about this?
The best advice I can give is take charge. It may seem odd at first, but if you take it into your hands, maybe it will become more frequent.
Post # 5
this was my first marriage to a “t” and it ultimately ruined the marriage
I highly recommend seeing a therapist and working on this issue. What bothers you a little now may bother you a great deal later.
Post # 6
@arsing89: BINGO. It’s a matter of being out of practice so every time is a total over-stimulation. Also, you not being shy and taking charge will help get the ball rolling. Once you’re in the swing of doing it more frequently, it won’t seem like such a weird thing AND he’ll be coming on to you more.
Post # 7
I hadn’t even thought about it this way. When we do have sex, it’s just so akward. I think we both get embarassed because we know each other better than anyone else….so why is this so akward? I think that makes us want to give up. I always felt that it was HIS responsiblity to show that he wanted me. I guess I will start trying to take control more as well.
Post # 8
@AskingForAdviceBee: A kind of personal question. Are you each other’s first? That could be where the awkwardness is coming from. It takes practice until you can really “find your groove” just like with everything else.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
I think you have gotten some great advice here. Talk about it sometime when you are not having sexy time. That may help have a real discussion without as much emotion/ potential hurt feelings.
I would also add, maybe taking matters into your own hands (so to speak) can help. Sometimes if it’s been awhile or I have some other reason to believe I will take longer than usual, I will…”pre-game” sometimes on my own, some times with help from him… that way even if it is fast, I don’t feel cheated and the Mister doesn’t feel bad. It’s a win win!
Post # 10
@arsing89: No we are not each others firsts. We both had some wild days back in college & post college.
I guess I didn’t clarify in the previous post. I didn’t mean for you bees to answer the akward question 🙂 That is what we ask each other when we discuss our lack of intimacy situation. Neither one of us really understand so we don’t have an answer.
Post # 11
@AskingForAdviceBee: it may not come naturally to either of you, but that just means it will require work and intentionality from both of you. Have you talked to him about the frequency he’d like? and/or told him the frequency you’d like?
Post # 12
@oracle: No, I have not. That’s also a good question for me to ask him. Thanks 🙂
Post # 13
I went thru something similar and I understand its hard to talk about I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or “man ego.” So I suggested he go to therapy for everything in general and he has been able to come back and really talk and listen and solve the problem. Maybe he just needs an outside persective.
Post # 14
@AskingForAdviceBee: My advice was going to be what arsing89 said but I will just say that I do believe part of the reason he doesn’t last long is because the two of you are not having sex frequently (once every three months). Also, it is ok for you to do the initiation and getting things started…… whatever works at this point. Maybe since he is being a bit “shy” at initiating it, you two could try different techniqes that would work for the both of you…. like maybe get those pillows that say “tonight or not tonight” and then one of you can flip it over when either party wants to have sex…. or, a bell that you ring when its time for sex…. just a thought IF it’s shyness.
Even though you may feel that it is his job to initiate it, that option is not working for you which then leads to you not being satisfied…… so you have to come up with a plan B. It’s ok if you take charge….. eventually, he will take the lead once he feels comfortable. Remember, you two are a team and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things work 🙂
I hope things work out for you, from what you wrote, he seems like a great guy.
Good luck and congrats on your engagement/wedding to be
Post # 15
@AskingForAdviceBee: and, quite frankly, he may not know… but it would be a good place for you to start talking about it. Also, before you do talk to him, think about what the frequency is that you’d like, so at least you have a base point to work from. I’m guessing there will be some compromise involved, but the key, IMO, is to keep talking about it until you find a balance that works!! Don’t give up, even though, I realize it’s easy to get discourged and stop trying.
Post # 16
Well, I think it is a problem for you and will become a lifelong problem if not addressed. Unfortunately, many times as women we base our self worth on a mans desire towards us. So if our partner is not seeking out intimate situations it wares on you, and your mind starts to wander with things like: Is there something wrong with me? Does he have something else going on? Lots of resentment. etc
Keep lines of communication open! I know its totally awkward but the elephant in the room needs to be addressed!
Try texting or emailing about stuff for a start if its too much to talk about face to face in terms of awkward embarrassment. I promise that things can be different, but you both have to want it and be willing to get out of your comfort zone!
Start slow…..build up to “sex”.
Start with kissing, rubbing, touching, making out whatever. Spend a week doing nothing but manual stimulation with each other. Ask questions, give guidance. If you have a toy or something that helps you get off, show your loved on how to use it on you. Confidence will be built with every positive intimate situation.
Once you guys are regularly pleasuring each other, then try vaginal penetration and assure him that it doesn’t matter if he comes quickly…you love it, can have your needs taken care of regardless and its a process! It may be a mental block, and like you said you don’t necessarily get off from penis in vagina sex anyways, so what you need to build up is foreplay and other fun 😉
Now on the other side of the story…if you find out through talking that he may be depressed, have a medical issue, hormonal imbalance, different sexual preference, and intense phobia or fear- then you will want to seek professional help and go from there.