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I don't want to be too graphic or TMI focused here, but this is a topic that I've debated asking about for a long time...
Are any bees out there in a sexless (or very sex-light) relationship without intentionally choosing to abstain? My fiance and I have been together for over five years now, and we've gotten to the point where we have sex less than once a month on average. We're young (25), and I have an active drive, but he very rarely seems to be up for it (no pun intended). I told him the most recent time that we discussed it that I think we have every type of love but sexual. We're great friends, wonderful playmates, intellectual partners, and comfortable companions, but our passionate life is nearly nonexistent anymore.
If you're in a relationship like this, or have been, how did you fix it? I don't want to be shallow, but I'm starting to worry (as I have in the past) that this could be a deal breaker for me. :( I don't want to live the next 50 years of my life feeling like I'm not desired.
Any advice you have, here or through PM, is MORE than welcome. Thanks in advance!
I don't want to answer to graphically, so I will try my best!
I've heard that there are natural cycles in a relationship. Maybe you need to figure out what he likes. Find out what turns him on, and see if it helps at all.
Or, force yourselves to be intimate. Plan a day when you two can be together and try something new (like edible massage oil!)
We've gone through bouts of "light" due to conflicting work-schedules...I was leaving for work when he was getting home...so we talked about it...I had been feeling "undesired"...when in reality it was just coz he was tired when I was awake & vice-versa. We each had to make the effort instead of waiting for the other one to make the first move...I started taking a later train so we had time "together"...he came straight home instead of stopping at McD's to grab breakfast. Once we talked about it, it was like a weight lifted off our shoulders and making the effort on both our sides put us back on a happy schedule again.
According to the widely Bee- touted 5 love languages book (A+) , it is common to express love in different styles and yours may be Physical. Perhaps reading the book together might help him to understand how important physical closeness is to you. I understand how you feel because it is my primary love language too but not for all women. Definitely a dealbreaker for me, too. Best of Luck, kisses
In my experience, whether or not you can realisticly have passion in a relationship long-term depends on whether or not it was there / how long it was there in the beginning of the relationship. Assuming that a spark was there for the first 6 months or so (at least), start acting like you're dating again. Don't be available all the time (have a lot of outside plans), wear cute clothes (instead of sweats around the house all of the time), don't spend a lot of time complaining or talking about your problems, be feminine, etc. Sometimes when you spend so much time with your guy, its easy to not act very "sexy" or hard to get, and for some relationships, that can have a huge effect on sex life.
Good luck!
We're not, but I would think that maybe spending a day doing something intimate (getting a couples' massage) or going on a short getaway is in order! I know you two are doing ALOT of things right now and sometimes stressors can be a passion killer.
What about a counseling session? Maybe opening up some dialogue on the subject might help solve things?
Wishing you both love and nothing but the best.
Sex is such an important part of a relationship. Even if you are not having it regularly, it needs to be had! I know it sounds hard, but you have to find ways to initiate. Have you ever thought that maybe HE thinks the same way you do...that its YOU that he thinks doesn't want the sex?? Have you discussed this openly with him? Tell him what you like and ask him what he likes! About every 6 months I have a new fave position, and I make sure to tell him that! I'm sure you guys will figure it out, but you need to be honest with one another :)
After reading your post, I feel like I wrote it. My husband and I are in a similar predicament. Sometimes I worry we're turning into "friend-friends," not a married couple. I don't feel undesired, it's just our spark isn't there anymore. In fact, a few nights ago it was like my husband was nervous. We talked about it, and he eventually got over the nervousness (it had been awhile..)
I read that it helps to start having sex everyday- a year ago we tried this- and it actually worked. Regardless of our work schedules, we would make time- even if we only had ten minutes. Granted, we stopped after awhile because we were separated by the military- I guess we just have to recommit! You may want to try it.
We are "light" but it is because of our schedules right now. My FI works the overnight shift at the hospital and we have not had any days off together in a while. So, we try to be intimate when we can. If we have an hour together a day, we would rather catch up and snuggle than rush through sex. I know it sounds terrible...but it's true!
We've also been together 8 years so know that when we have time and energy we will get back into it. We have definitely had periods when we are intimate very often and other times where it is less frequent (and by less frequent I mean less than once a week). I think it is really important in a relationship to be intimate but even more important to be vocal about why you are not up for being intimate, etc.
The truth is, I think most people slow down after they have been together for a few years. I think it only natural and if you can talk about it, it's fine!
You'll pick back up soon!
I can speak from the experience of being in a relationship for, oh goodness, almost ten years. Somewhere between 2-4 years, the newness of the relationship wears off. That means you have to work harder to get things moving and grooving. Talk about what you can do to change things up. and it doesn't necessarily involve a french maid's outfit etc. Maybe it's just going to a different restaurant, or a romantic movie. Maybe it's finding a different room in your house for sex. It seems like more times than not, the girl is the one who needs some extra "encouragement" like foreplay. But maybe in your case, he needs it?? You won't know until you ask him. Or if he doesn't know, maybe he should make an appointment with his doctor. Good luck.
Bee readers, prepare for the baseball analogy of a lifetime!
I think you should plan a date where you round the bases. I think a lot of times people get to this point because when they go up to bat, they hit a home run and just dance on homeplate without rounding the bases. Kinda misses the point, you know? (I hope you're following the analogy...) My FI and I will periodically remind each other to round the bases. We also make a point to just hit a double sometimes, switch it up a bit. Make it not predictable. Will it end with an RBI? Who knows! That's how it should always be, but for some reason when we get into long term relationships we always try to land on home plate. That would be a really boring baseball game. And it's no fun in sex either!
I hope that wasn't too confusing...
I really don't think that this problem has any quick fixes. I think you both need to see a psychologist. Sex is a very (very!) important part of a relationship. I knew it was time to call it quits with my previous long-term boyfriend when I no longer wanted to have sex with him. Therapy did not work, I just wasn't attracted to him anymore (I think therapy helped me realize that). It is possible that there are some hormonal issues at work here. Has he seen a doctor?
I wish you the best of luck on figuring it out. *hugs*
I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation w/your fiancee about your needs, and how it makes you feel that he is not fulfilling them. I don't think it's shallow at all to want a great sex life, and it would be a deal-breaker for me as well. I think it's something that can definitely improve if you talk about it, but something on which you should not have to compromise.
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Ah...I love it when we play who's on first? What's on second?
Great analogy MS!
I think before the bases are rounded, first there has to be some intimacy. Something. Maybe even something to break out of your usual routine. New scenarios. New surroundings. New smells. new situations.
How about taking him to a restaurant and only having appetizers or tapas? Reconnect emotionally to him. Wear something sultry and look directly into his eyes when you two talk.
I am a huge fan of the Harleys (Marriagebuilders site) and Dr. Harley has amazing tricks to re-ignite passion in marriages and long term relationships. His principles helped my two friends, the encore couple, re-ignite their passions and remarry!
One of their principles is the 15 hour a week deal. That's where you spend 15 hours a week doing something you both like together. Something fun and stress free. That CREATES the atmosphere for intimacy to begin again.
I think Dr. Harley's approach is more innovative than the love languages approaches because it's very very specific. Plus there are many marriage builder counselors available for couples' counsling across the country.
Check them out! www.marriagebuilders.com
T and I are doing "His Needs/Her Needs " very soon. It is an AMAZING and fabulous tool for keeping the fires stoked and the bonds tight.
I don't want to get all in your business, but have you talked to him about why he doesn't seem to be as interested in you? Does he always expect you to initiate it? And do you try to keeps things fresh and change stuff up. Sometimes you hit valleys because things are boring in the bedroom and they need to be spiced up. Talk to him about his turn ons and express yours. Does he like lingerie, does he like it better during certain times in the day, etc?
I have to say, I would feel really unwanted it we were as light as you and I would be really worried about us and about whether he was possibly getting it elsewhere. If we were that light, it would also be a dealbreaker for me. Just as an idea, he's 26 and I'll be 25 next month and next month we will have been together for 6 years...so we are in similar places in our relationships.
Oh, and I've also heard that men hit their sexual prime around 18 (or somewhere around there), then it goes downhill from there. As for women, I've heard they hit their prime in either their 30s or 40s so that also might play a part in it because you are still climbing up the mountain and he's already heading down.
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When the relationship is new, it's really easy to be excited about each other. After a while, you have laundry to do, work to worry about, television to watch, the house to clean, a social life to get back to... you're busy and you're tired, and you would really rather catch a rerun of House and get something like 8 hours of sleep. Just the same way that you'd rather stay in on a Friday night and hang out in your sweats than get dressed up and go out with friends.
The thing is, you know that if you make the effort to get dressed up and go out you're going to have a good time. In the same way, you know that if you take the time to crawl into bed together and pay a little attention to each other, you're going to end up snuggling and smiling in the sweaty afterglow, right? Just because you're not spontaneously in the mood all the time doesn't mean that you can't decide to get there. But you do have to decide to get there - and both of you have to decide that.
That said, you should also consider that some people just have vastly different sex drives. It might be worth asking him about his previous relationships. Does he always get to a point where he rarely has sex? And is he perfectly happy with that? If so, you may just not be ideally compatible in that area. In that case, the question is more one of whether you can be happy having sex once a month, or whether he is happy to accomodate you more often. I also think that this is an issue where a therapist could be a great help, if you can't seem to talk it through on your own.
I definitely agree that sex is an important part of the relationship and that if you're upset about missing out or being "light" then you should talk to your FI. I'm usually the one in the opposite position from yours where I'm just dead tired from the full time work and grad school classes and not feeling it. But, I encourage FI to talk to me about things when he starts to get frustrated or sensitive about it. That way we have a conversation and can remedy the situation before it turns into something where we both end up getting our feelings hurt.
Some things that we've tried/are trying or other couples I know have tried: make sure you spend enough time apart that you appreciate your time together (there's a difference, as previous posters have pointed out, in time together and *quality* time together); date night is a GREAT idea (we're doing this right now and every other week one of us plans a surprise date night -- it adds excitement, mixes up our routine and lets us focus on how much we love the other person); have alone time (a friend of mine has a rule that she or her BF can request the apt/house to themselves for a night with 24 hr notice -- love it -- such a great way to have some down time for you and perhaps, going with MS's metaphor, "round your own bases" ;D).
I think the most important thing though, is talking to your FI. Find out where his head is at/why he is more withdrawn about the physical aspect of your relationship than you are. Good luck hun, I certainly feel for you.
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Le sigh. My FI and I have dry spells for sure. But we talk about it when it's happening. I never want him to feel unwanted or unsexy and vice versa. Mostly it happens because of our sex schedules, I'm a night he's a day and it's hard when you both work full time and go to school and are planning a wedding etc etc etc to fit it in -- Just keep being open with your FH and be willing to talk about it and maybe seek some professional advice if you don't feel like the situaiton is resolving itself. Good luck <3
I think sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship. I wish I could offer advice, but I think it is fair for you to want to do something about this. I personally think - barring having kids or being long distance or some other extenuating circumstance - being that "light" at your age is worth trying to do something about. Is he stressed about something? Did this change after you got engaged? Did he maybe gain weight or something else that is making him self concious? Did he have performance problems that now make him anxious?
I would try to get to the root of this if I were you! Good luck.
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Something else to consider...things like depression or thyroid disorders can destroy sex drives. I'd highly recommend talking to him about seeing a doctor to make sure things are ok. The doctor also might be able to refer you to a good counselor (either together or separately).
Before you hit up counseling, I'd definitely recommend having a conversation about it. Don't be surprised if it gets a little emotionally intense; this is such a sensitive topic. As others have said, it might be something as simple as he's usually aroused during the day and is tired at night, or is misinterpreting your cues as you being uninterested. A little improved communication (and a date night!) could go a long way.
like you, me and my FI have been together for almost 5 years and we have experienced the same kind of drought- of course, when the relationship was new we were very very active. We moved in together last June and in the beginning we were active, but now its just started to drift off to the side and we are never up for it at the same times. I'm not to worried about it yet though just because we have been so busy with work and school and being parents that the non-sex hasn't become an issue yet.
When it does become an issue, I'll make an effort and I know he will too. I suggest you talk to him about it.
I just don't want you to get upset in reading posts that your relationship is heading down the tubes! I think it is natural for couples to have periods when they are lighter - so many factors can play into it (stress, seasonal, how you are feeling about yourself). I don't think that just because you are having a "dry spell" means anything. Just talk to him about it in a comfortable environment and see where it takes you!
I agree with Erindesmar I don't think your relantionship is in the tubes. But I know that things do effect that aspect of your life. Mr. FF and I are still in the "Honeymoon" stage of our relantionship. But talking to my mom and Dad who have been married for over 27 years and my grandparents just had their 50th. That they had these stages and just had to work through it. This is were the "spicing things up" comes in. I know my mom would get fun things to try. I know once when I was over there at the house ( I was like 23ish and I am 26 now) there was a can of whip cream. I was held it up and said to my mom, oh mom been playing ( I really did not think they had) but she was like yeah. It was fun but it gets to smelling with things heat up. I lost it.. But they needed that and it worked.
But I also know that they each went through periods where my mom and/or my dad did not want that part of the relantionship. They fought about it. But they made it through it. My mom told me that you have to try and make time for it. If your not really in the mood but maybe he is or the other way. You still do because you love that person ( in modest request you know what I mean).
Maybe your FI needs some foreplay. I had my preacher say that women are like crock pots you have to turn them on and heat them up nice and slow. But once they are they "heated up". Maybe this is your FI. Cook dinner in something sexy. Or just tell him. Listen I need this and want this. Drag him to bed and there you go!!!!!
I hope I help a little. Hang in there! It will work out.
My fiance and I have been together almost 8 years and have lived together for 4. Its completely normal to go through dry spells and it CERTAINLY does not mean that your relationship is over. I agree that you have to discuss it and have an open dialogue about it. It can be caused by so many different factors, most of which have already been mentioned so I won't reiterate. It is an important part of every relationship, but it is not the only part. If it were, a relationship could survive on good sex alone. Keep in mind that every individual and every couple has its own rhythm (pun intended). Some people are more sexual than others, or have stronger drives. I have friends who have been together for 10 years and 2 kids and are intimate 4 times a week. I have others who I guess would be considered "light." They are all happily married. I guess my point is, where is your comfort zone? You can't judge your relationship by others standards. If you are both happy with the quantity and quality that you are having, great. If not, try to figure out what can "spark" some more excitement. Lingerie, games, a mini vacation, movies???
I am not a doctor, but maybe someone who is can correct me if I am wrong. I have heard that women's drive peak at different ages then do mens (I think 25 vs 30). So there may be a medical reason...
That doesn't solve the problem however. It is best that you two sit down and discuss what is best for you both. You may find underlying causes for his lack of drive, maybe stress at work, maybe family stress, etc. In the end there a multitude of resources which can help you out...many which are listed above.
Good Luck!
I'm right there with you driftslikesmoke. FI and I have had a lot of troubles with draughts and lack of rain.. haha. After being together for only a few months sex dropped off to almost nothing. I started to worry that he wasn't that into me or that he was cheating. We were never having sex but he kept saying he loved me etc Finally I confronted hhim. It really hurt him and he was embarassed but he told me that the antidepresent he was on was taking away his sex drive. We tried some stuff to spice things up but it still wasnt there so he switched antidepressents.
That helped a lot and he came around.. only he still doesn't have as high of a sex drive as I do. Bummer. Maybe it's just who he is, maybe it's because he's over 30 and his sex drive is decreasing a bit, maybe it's because of the medicine he's on now or a medical condition.. I don't know. But what I do know is I can't live without sex so we work around it.
His Dr gave him some cialis, which is awesome but we rarely break it out (when we do though... wow!.. I highly suggest it!). I regularly buy new lingerie. I send him dirty text messages while he's at work so that when he gets home he's worked up. I give him massages while he's laying on the couch.. that migrate down.. And we plan a date night every month. Each one of us has to plan a date night for the other one once a month. That way it's all about you at least once a month. I also suggest renting semi dirty movies here and there. like 9 1/2 weeks.
My fiancee and I went through this. For us, it turned out to be a natural phase we went through but we had to work really hard to get out of it. When we moved in together and started going about our daily lives, the time for intimacy flew out the window.
I once read an article, I think it was by a woman, where she resolved to go through with some type of sexual act (just not necessarily intercourse) with her husband once a day for 100 days. The resolution forced her to make time for it, but after a while she started realizing how much she had missed it and she began to crave it. I tried after the article, and though I definitely did not make it 100 days, I did begin to see how important it was to make time for it, even though there are days when I feel like I have a million other things to do.
Wow, this hits close to home to me. and i just had this talk with my sister who recently started living with her FI.
My FI is like my Best friend we've known each other for 10 years and we've been living together for 6. When we first started living together every day was like a honey moon. The sex was plentiful and great. Everything was passionate and new and exciting. That lasted maybe a few months. Then we got comfortable. We had jobs, and chores, and other friends, and family, and he wanted to play on the computer, and i wanted to read, and, and, and... things died down for us.
No we ran into a rough patch and FI needed a job. A friend of the family was an Adult Video distributor and needed someone to run their online sales department. Yay, we thought. Job! and it'll be a fun ice breaker at parties.. "So what do you do for a living?" ... now i have nothing against legal pornography... and i still don't in moderation. But here's the thing... If your husband fixes refrigerators, and he spends all day looking at refrigerators. Is he really going to want to come home and deal with yours at the end of the day? Don't think so. It's not that your fridge isn't his favorite in the world, he's just tired of looking at the damn things.
Sex life? S C R E A C H I N G halt.
Okay Bees I know mine is an EXTREME example , but I'm making a point here promise.
We both hated it. I felt undesired and unloved. he was depressed because i was depressed. on top of that it wasn't just what he had to look at every day, His coworkers were jerks, his boss was degrading and was starting to ask him to do things that would compromise his ethics.
So He quit.
And he was finally able to clear his head and we could talk about it.
And we've worked through the issues he had from that job. Were opening up about what we each need. Yes i do want Sex more than him. So he knows to try more often for me, and i try to know when to give him space. Because that's what love is about, Compromise. I may not get sex every day but i've opened up and told him things that I'd like that would make having sex less often better for me. (Details would be WaaaaayTMI) and it turns out my sharing that wiht ham has made him more interested in Sex. Yay we all win!
And now while it may not be the honeymoon that we had when we started, 6 years later the sex that were having less often is more passionate and meaningful than it ever was.
All things come around. and like the other parts of your relationship your Sex life needs to find a balance too. Sometimes its just takes a while. The most important things is communication. and that's the hard part. we've had alot of tear filled talks about this on both sides. But it's worth it. and if you cant find compromise on your own, then do try therapy. But remember you can't force someone to be what they're not. In a relationship you have to find it in yourself to be whats right for both of you.
Best of luck. theres alot more i could talk about. but i've rambled enough. I know i'm new here but this a topic where i've so BT,DT. so i guess feel free to PM me if you feel like talking anymore. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
I understand so much of what you are going through. My husband is the one with the drive, but I have like, sex inertia. Once I get going, it's easier to stay going, but once I've stopped it's so hard to get started again! I attribute our problems to two things:
Because of the birth control method we use (natural family planning), our sex "windows," if you will, are something like 3 days off (period time), 5 days on, 11 days off, 11 days on. You'd think after 11 days of self-imposed abstinence that I'd be raring to go, but my desire just plummets right before that. I think it's hormonal (sharply decreased estrogen after ovulation) but my knowledge of this does not seem to put me in the mood. Obviously for your fiance his fluctuating hormones are not the issue, but it could be that he's been off the bandwagon so long that getting back on looks like more work than it's worth.
I also find sex painful at certain times of the month, and I'm worrying it's building an association in my mind between sex and pain. Your fiance could have similar bad associations in his head if other times you have had sex he has had performance problems. So it's important to talk about it (but not dwell on it, or else he will probably feel worse) and then take the pressure off yourselves. Not every intimate thing you do has to be a "home run." Start slow and appreciate all the things you have to offer one another. Does he like his feet or back rubbed? Those can be physical ways of showing affection that can relax him and may help him get in the mood. But it's important to do them for their own sake and not for the ulterior motive of sex. You can also ask for these non-sex physical things from him too. There are times of the month that I prefer having a backrub to sex! But sometimes these things lead to sex precisely because you weren't asking for it. Confusing, I know. But you are not alone and don't despair! I am glad I'm not the only one either.
We have been together for almost 8 years, and yes, dry spells happen. we call it "losing our mojo". we get tired, stressed, sick, etc. but we talk about it, and realize that it is an important part of our intimacy, and we need to get back in the game. we have date night once a week (even if we are just at home making dinner, drinking wine, with no tv or any other distractions). sometimes, it is just about getting into bed naked - silly, but it works! and sometimes we are both so exhausted, but we force ourselves to make it happen, since at the end of it, we always enjoy it and are glad we did it. So, talk about it - why is he less in the mood than you? what is going on at work,etc? if it is important to you, than yes, he should make an effort as well, and compromise. maybe you won't be one of those couples that have sex everyday, but you both need to find a common ground.
You know I'd have to weigh in with the medical perspective!
I think the first thing to do is ascertain whether there is a medical problem. He should be having an erection first thing in the morning, and if not he may have a medical problem that needs to be addressed. Is he able to get aroused when you two do make the effort to try? Is he able to perform normally when you do have sex? How about when he masturbates? How often does he masturbate? Is he on any medications? These are the first questions to address.
Then, there are the psychological factors. Has there been a dynamic set up where you ask frequently and then get rejected? The times you do have sex, is it fulfilling? Is he content with the frequency of sex? Are there unresolved and undiscussed issues in the relationship? It's time to get those out in the open either with a counselor or by yourselves.
Sex is very much a "use it or lose it" type of activity. If you are not doing it or not very frequently, the body sort of quietly shuts down the drive. Commonly, one of the partners has a very different level of sex drive than the other. If this is the case, it is important to find ways to meet in the middle. For the lower drive partner, this might mean never saying no if the higher drive partner asks. The higher drive partner has to not abuse this privilege. For the higher drive partner, it might mean finding some other fulfilling ways to express sexuality. Perhaps he could fulfill your needs without necessarily having sex.
These are just a few of the things to think about. I'm including some reading as well.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-2659.html&fromMod=popular_sex
http://www.sexhealthinplainenglish.com/men_articles/aging_and_male_sex_drive/male_sex_drive_1.htm
Hope this helps!
My biggest advice is to tell him exactly what you wrote in this post. That you're concerned, and worried that this could be a deal-breaker. Obviously you don't want to attack him, but you need to figure out if there is a problem that can be fixed, or if this is the way the rest of your relationship will be. (And of course, if it's light now, it could be non-existent after a few years.)
And also, don't blame yourself -- his light desire most likely has nothing to do with anything wrong with you. And you're not doing anything wrong by bringing it up. You're entitled to discuss this important aspect of your relationship!
This may be completely irrelevant to your case, but I fall squarely into the use it or lose it camp. Until I started reading Weddingbee I never realized that was the case. Once I made a concerted effort to say yes more often it got easier each time. Maybe your FI works the same way?
Oh my, such wonderful understanding and so many good ideas here!
I agree with most - could it be medical, time conflicts, emotional challenges?
For my FH and I it has been nothing but stress/work related, after 7 years together and 5 years living together. Like Sanserif said, as soon as we quit whatever we are doing and get perspective we are able to see why it was that we couldn't bring ourselves to do it. Perhaps the best thing to do, especially if he is going through something (it doesn't have to be big) is to just give it time. For us, we have decided all it takes is the word "thesis" and we will understand for up to a month. Then we get to ask again ;-)
Thank you Doctorgirl!
I am the lower drive of the two of us and it hit home when one of the bee's was talking about sex and that even though she wasn't necessarily in the mood, she went for it 95% of the time. I thought, DAMN, I am aiming for 75% of the time! So I am mentally working on that. (Dont get me wrong, teh sex is great, but I am with chealsemorning in that I have sex inertia and it can take some effort to get me going. Add on top of that, that I am incredible stubborn and just typing this I feel bad for my FI.)
Just a thought, if he is the sex inertia type, try and find a product that he really likes and keep it around. I LOVE the kama sutra strawberrys and champagne gel (I know its supposed to be used on him for better...taste, but tingl-wow, I am a fan of that stuff for the both of us). We are currently in a dryish spell (once a week give or take and that still takes convincing on my part) and I am planning on getting some gel asap because I dont want him to feel like I'm always rejecting him. i've seen the hurt look in his eyes before and dont want to be the cause of that. Talk to him about how you both feel. Does he know how it makes you feel? If he's silently broding over stress or something to that effect, it may take some effort to get him to talk about it, but its probably very worth it.
This post hits pretty close to home for me...my FI and I have been together for 7 years now, and around year number 5 it just started to taper off. I realized recently though that it just seems so easy to let other things take precident... go to work, go to the gym, cook dinner, do dishes, misc. errands, wedding stuff, etc. and then there is no energy left for anything else. It is my goal to try and change up the order I do things...focus on him first thing when I get home from work. Maybe that would help...use the energy while you still have it?
I totally totally get this. I'm in a very similar situation, have been from the beginning. There was a lot of tension about it, a lot of fights, and finally a lot of loving discussions, which seem to be helping. The love is amazing, the sex is great when we have it, and it just took some time to get to a place where we'd discussed different sides of it, etc. We both just seem to be coming from different places, and unfortunately, just being our natural selves about it left a void for me. Lots of patient, loving, discussions.
WOW...I knew I would love this site but I had no idea how much. I was just getting ready to post this exact topic, glad I read through first. FI and I have been together for 2 years now. getting married in 3 months. WE had a very active sex life in the beginning and it seems that since we moved in together (a year ago) it's gone downhill. I feel horrible about myself. I feel unwanted, undesirable, ugly fat. You name it, I feel it. FI and I have talked about it and he has flat told me nothing turns him on. He says he misses it but that he just doesnt want it and it's not important enough to do anything to fix it. I must add, tho, that he has an incomplete spinal cord injury and doesn't just get erections. He has tried several different ED medicines, however, we haven't found the one that is "just right". Talk about a Goldilocks complex. I cannot begin to understand what it is like for him, however, he doesnt seem to realize how painful this is for me. I have done things to try and turn him on, I have flat out asked if we can please have sex and nothing. There is always a reason we dont. I know I love him but like pp said, I dont want to spend the next 50 years of my life wondering why he doesnt want me. I have had the ufortunate experience of finding provacotive (sp?) photos of him and well, all, of his exes so I know he has had a drive in the past, just not with me lately. (I will point out he has never mentioned "us" doing any of the photos...just sayin.) I will def. keep checking this post for advice as I am feeeling completely crappy and have been for a while...thanks for letting me vent...
Spunkyteach,
I can empathize with you on the feeling undesirable part. I finally started working out more and I feel better about myself. I would start with whatever it is about yourself (not with him - just you thinking about you). And you need to talk to him about how you are feeling, and how knowing about the older photos makes you feel. This isnt something that will just go away, and however it sounds, sex is an important part of a relationship. Yall need to talk about that and you need to consider how you feel now at the 2 year mark. What about 20, 30 years of this if he is unwilling to do anything about it?
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