Post # 1
I guess I’m frustrated and wonder if other women experience this. When my FI & I were first together we saw each other only on weekends (long story – ex wouldn’t move out of the house and so I left on weekends and kids stayed with him). We had sex every day we were together. A year later, he moved in with me and we typically had sex 2-3 times a week. Now, 3.5 years together and we have sex maybe every two weeks. He works full time plus overtime and is going for his degree at night 1x per week. He can get heavily into porn and taking care of himself. Thought we were past that. I know he’s tired and stressed but he doesn’t ever seem to be interested in me unless I bring it up. Even on weekends when he can sleep late and relax more, it’s still the last thing of the day if it even happens. I lived for 25 yrs with a man who almost never wanted sex. Maybe he was gay or asexual but he was emotionally abusive and controlling so I think sex was just another tool to manipulate me with (I have a high sex drive). My self worth was in the gutter and my sexual confidence was nil after him. Before I met FI, I had a couple of flings which were great for my wounded ego. When FI and I became intimate, I was amazed at how caring, fun and easy sex could be. We were adventuresome and a little kinky. Now we’re missionary – all the time. I’m back to feeling crappy about myself and confrontational about out lack of intimacy (not productive). So I sit here at 1:00am after a sort of fight, and wonder: is this like a bait & switch thing? If I marry him, will I feel neglected like before. He says he’s still interested but it doesn’t show.
Post # 3
Sex frequency always slows down in relationships in my experience. I’m not even sure every two weeks is really below average for 3.5 years. Have you tried talking about it in a non-confrontational way? If it’s serious problem you should get some sex theray or counsiling before marriage. Are options like open marriages on the table? (might sound terrible but it’s a real solution for many marriages)
Post # 4
You should have a serious talk with your FI about how you feel and how his lack of interest is hurtful and neglectful to you. I disagree that the amount of sex a couple has decreases over the years, it’s very much dependent on the couple. Make it a point to be intimate, even if he’s tired. Wear some sexy lingerie, maybe even watch porn with him. Porn is a great supplement but it shouldn’t replace you. Mix it up and have sex in the morning or the afternoon. If you’re open to the idea, incorporate some toys. Don’t wait for him to initiate, if you want it then initiate it yourself. Most men will say it’s a huge turn on when a woman initiates.
My fiance and I have been together for over 8 years and we still have a great sex life. Granted, it may not be as hot and heavy as in the beginning, but it is still exciting and we are usually intimate for the most part of the week although there are few weeks were it is just once when things are hectic, but never has it passed a week without. I think it’s because we make our sex life a priority. You and your FI need to make it a priority too. Especially since you are feeling very neglected by his lack of interest, you need to communicate this to him. Maybe he’s unaware of how you’re feeling.
Post # 5
I think it tends to plateau after a little while, and there is another factor. Male sex drives decrease drastically in their thirties. Their testosterone levels just aren’t what they were in the twenties/early thirties; women’s sex drives wane a little bit later in life.
If I were you, I’d bring up the possibility of pre-marriage counseling to address this if you guys can’t work out a solution between the two of you. Sex is an important component of relationships, and you shouldn’t have to be afraid that you’ll get married and always have to be the one initiating/never have sex again. It’s possible a counselor could help him find ways to make you feel sexy/beautiful/like a goddess even if he’s not up for sex on a particular night. Be calm about it, express your fears, and make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t deflate his ego because then he’ll just get defensive.
Post # 6
He could also be really stressed out. Me and my FI had a dry spell about a year ago and I was really hurt by it bc he never really seemed interested in me. We talked it over and he said that the reason he never initiated anything with me was bc he was stressed which causes a decrease in his sex drive and it was easier to “take care of himself” b/c if we did have sex he would only stress about pleasing me. Not sure if that really came out the way that I was trying to explain it though =/ I do agree with the pp’s though in the fact that you both need to sit down (nonconfrontationally) and talk about your feelings on the subject. Good luck
Post # 7
Thank you for your comments. We did have a good conversation about it all and I didn’t mention here that FI has MS. It doesn’t really affect him on a day-to-day basis too much, but there is a fatigue factor and depression. He takes Wellbutrin for that but he said lately he’s been stressed out and even more tired than the MS usually makes him. He said his drive in general has just been low and it has nothing to do with his feelings towards me. It’s good that we could talk about it easily and we’ll try to make one night a week a priority for intimacy. We do lots of snuggling and he’s always very physically affectionate so that helps a lot 🙂
Post # 8
I worry about this sometimes too. But what I’ve noticed is that during the comfort stage, sometimes it’s up to us to spice it back up. It probably wont work the first time but keep trying and the chemistry will come back. Like when he gets home from work tackle him as soon as he comes in the door, don’t even make it to the bedroom. Read a TON of cosmo. The comfort stage often really resembles lack of interest, what I do in this sutuation is try to look for reassurances that he is still interested. Find small things he does that still say “I love you” like my SO STILL 2 1/2 years later nearly every day will come up to my work and sit with me and have dinner. He kisses me on the neck and cheek 10-15 times after we have been sexual. He still will slap my rear end from time to time and still compliments me all the time. It’s things like this that I try to remember when I’m feeling like he’s not interested.
When we get comfortable in a relationship we start to let other things in and lose focus on the relationship and it gets put on the back burner. The need to impress the other is gone. Try to go back to how you felt when you two first met, surely he will take notice and his attitude will change soon after yours.