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it makes me feel awkward. i hate when people ask what we want. i don't know, our wedding is in a little under a year, i'm not going to get around to registering for a bit. i feel so uncomfortable when people have called to ask our address. am i supposed to thank them then and there for the card/present they are inevitably sending us?
i'd be uber annoyed if i was in your situation. sometimes you just can't make people happy.
We haven't registered yet, but when I think of a registry, this isn't for me to tell people this is exactly what I want. I think of them as a guideline for people to get an idea of what I'm looking for. I don't expect people to buy from my registry, but I am ok if they do. But people should definitely not complain about what you put on it. That's just rude, if they don't like it, they should just buy something they hope you would enjoy, or like you said give a gift card.
I feel weird because we have the traditional registry things already and we just bought some of it in January so it's not like we need new of these things. I, also, feel bad if someone goes through all the trouble of registering and people just wing it. My FI did this at the last wedding we went to, in all fairness it was his friend and I did tell him where they were registered. He bought them a bottle of the groom's fave alcohol... I felt like crap giving it to them.
@reinab505: I'm sorry - Since it wasn't me (either giving or receiving it) the alcohol is kind of funny! I would have been mortified! Prior to planning my own wedding, I'm 99% sure that the wedding I attended with my now fiance a few months into us dating - he didn't have a plus one for me, he hadn't RSVPed to bring a date, and I'm pretty darn sure that we didn't take a gift. Blame your guy's moment on being a dude - and next time, handle the shopping!
@divergirl: I think that is where I differ. I feel like a registry is something that depicts exactly what a couple would like. I know that when we registered at Bed Bath and Beyond, it took us an entire day to pour over the options and really choose precisely what would work for our home. Especially when you are standing there with someone paid to tell you to do that very thing.
Oh my, registering made me VERY uncomfortable. Anytime I tried to talk to anyone about it, they all said that it was something I really needed to do. Most of my guests have to travel across the country and their presence is enough for me. Gifts on top of of airfare, hotel, and rental car seems excessive, personally. It also creates somewhat of a logistical problem for us if people bring gifts to our wedding (we live in San Francisco, the wedding is in Phoenix, and we are leaving from Phoenix to go on our honeymoon before going back to SF).
Registering was wierd but kinda fun. I wont tell anyone I am registered unless I ask. I did it for the convience of my guests.
@christalynn11: I totally understand where you're coming from. Although I'm still far away from my wedding, I had to register just so guests had something they could buy us. I am SO picky about things I buy myself, let alone gifts I receive! I know when it comes to my wedding, people will do what they want. I KNOW there are certain people in my family who totally take advantage of all the hard work that goes into a wedding by giving a small gift from their whole family (something worth $50 for a family of 4? That's a better deal than going to the Olive Garden!)!
i'm sorry you have to deal with that. i don't understand why your friends/family feel that it's ok for them to tell you what to do with your gift registry.....
i never really liked the idea of gift registries. i just don't feel comfortable telling people what to buy for me. i also find it difficult to determine the CORRECT price range to register for: is a $30 item too little? but would a $50 item too much?
on the other hand, i love the idea of cash and gift cards. the recipient can simply spend the $$ on whatever they want/like or even not spend it and save it for later.
i didn't have a registry for my wedding, rather, we told the guests to do "wishing wells" BUT only if they want to, because we dont have a house yet and are living in an apartment, we really don't need anything; in fact, we have TWO microwaves and way too many plates.......
DH's mom wanted us to have a gift registry for those who didn't feel comfortable in giving cash gifts, but i insisted on not doing that for the same reason listed above.
I think that we oftentimes take the registry and wedding gift-giving way way too seriously. A registry is not a demand. It's there as a convenience to guests who can purchase something for you without having to intuit what you want, but it doesn't mean that they MUST purchase from the registry (technically, guests don't even have to give you a gift, even though it's customary). If guests have a problem with your registry--at Target, at Honeyfund, just cash or whatever--then it's simple: they don't have to purchase from it.
And as brides, we should be gracious enough to realize that's the case and not get all huffy when people take their own perogative and give you that weird gravy boat or wall hanging, or nothing at all. (CHRISTALYNN11, and anyone else on this thread, I'm NOT pointing the finger at any of you AT ALL. ChristaLynn11, I'm really sorry that your f&f have been so judgemental and inappropriate regarding your registry--I think (and I hope) that your experience is perhaps not the norm, thankfully. Just keep smiling and don't let it get you down).
I totally get what you are saying. We made a registry because we have lived together so long and I have always had a house so we have A LOT of stuff so there is not much stuff we need. I told my mom how we want what is on the registry and not something similar from somewhere else. What does she do buy the camera from somewhere else and FMIL bought the camera off the registry!
i totally hear you! the same exact thing happened to us, people were constantly asking where we were registered so i send out a registry card in each invite. then i get all these comments that since it's a lot of kitchen stuff (BB&B) that it must all be for me and "why doesn't the groom get to pick stuff?"
i'm like, damn, it's not like he lives in this house eating all the food i would make with that stuff and drinking out of those nice glasses on there or anything... you can't please everyone and that counts doubly so when a wedding is involved.
so you're def not alone in this, i guess the best advice i could give you is to not even think about it. you have more important stuff to worry about, let these people fend for themselves, you've already done them a favor of leading them in the right direction and that's all you can do. if people complain to you maybe have a line ready for them like "well it's a list of things we would definitely use but we'd be happy with anything you are generous enough to gift us."
good luck.
I very much agree with @JennyW1: I'm actually not setting up a registry no matter how many times people ask me to. I'm going to accept whatever they give me no matter how ridiculous or useless it may be to me, because I've witnessed too much registry drama that I just want to avoid all of it. No one forced me or pushed me into having a wedding and no one is twisting my arm into giving nice gifts to my attendants, I'm doing it because I want to and not expecting anything from the guests other thant hat they show up on time and not wear jeans or sneakers lol.. A friend I know had a wedding and people barely showed up that was horrible and thats my worst fear lol
@christalynn11: I totally understand how you feel. I felt SUPER awkward about registering and have posted about that elsewhere. It's a weird feeling. I felt better when my mom (who used to be completely anti-registry) said it was for the convenience of my guests. I still asked my FH to set up the appointments, etc. and really wasn't all that into it.
People are weird about this stuff. My FH's family will not buy from a registry, which is cool...but then it's super awkward when they ask what I want for a shower, etc. So I ended up (after a really uncomfortable conversation) making ANOTHER list for them with generic items (tea towels and the like) because that's what they wanted me to do. The registry was BAD, but a handwritten list was fine?! Confusing.
My family and friends and our friends will buy from the registry or give cash. My inlaws will probably be shocked (because they do LOOK at the registry) at all the stuff that has been kindly bought for us. I think that they just see it as good to know information, whereas (even though I didn't like doing it) I put a lot of research into the appliances, warranties, etc.
What stings is the judgement that comes from others. My sister also got married this year and my aunt (who isn't the most social person in the world) gave her the extremely generous present of a couple of really nice knives and a cutting board. After the presents, she went up to my sister (who was talking to a bunch of my mom's friends) and asked "why in the world did you register for such expensive knives?" My sister explained why...but yeah. Super awkward. If you thought they were too expensive, why did you buy them? And if you bought them, why complain about it in public? Crazy.
Oh wow, totally. We have actually resisted registering, despite intense pressure from just about everyone. My FI is strongly opposed to registering, which is the only thing that's kept me from caving. But stories like this make me feel better about it!
Everyone tells me it's for the guests' convenience, but then people express so much judgment about it. Plus it makes the whole experience feel so much more transactional. I don't expect gifts - my wedding doesn't come with a cover charge. If someone is moved to get us something, that's lovely, but they aren't obligated, and if they do I'd rather it came from the heart.
Totally feel you on this one! We're getting married in less than 2 months and still haven't finished the registry. I absolutely hate asking people for things and we have dragged our feet to the point where my mom called my FMIL to get her to start nagging us. Oh... my mom (who is generally a pretty amazing person) also told me that she thought I should register at Crate & Barrel or Macy's as well as BB&B so that I could "have something with a little class". Then, when I stubbornly went the opposite way and registered at Target she applauded it saying she loved to get people Target gift cards for weddings!
We've also been accused of not having a big registry so that people will give us cash (we're in the market for a house) and that just infuriates me! We have a ton of crap from our respective previous houses and just don't want to get a whole lot without having a specific house to put it in. It's insanity and you definitely can't please everyone. Good luck!
@christalynn11: I hate posting this as well but I will jump into the fray by saying I totally get where you are coming from. People BUGGED us to register months ago saying they wanted to buy us gifts (even people who werent invited to the wedding surprisingly enough) we were so busy that it was tough for us to find time and when we finally did it took us much longer than we expected. We bought a house last year but neither of us had much so what we have is beat up hand me downs and garage sale finds (all funds this year have gone to that new mortgage and wedding) so we are incredibly grateful and excited to have ANYTHING off our registry because it is all really needed but at the same time would never expect a gift. But now it has been MONTHS since we did this and I am two days away from my shower and there have been a grand total of three gifts purchased from our registry. Even my bridesmaids (who were two of the people bugging me to do it) havent bought anything. To top it off we have had snarky comments made about what we registered for and that kind of hurts. In the end I just feel conflicted about the whole thing. I know it is so "third grade Santa didnt bring me what I wanted" to care what people have bought us but I guess the whole wedding thing is just so emotional and eventually things that shouldnt get to you do. That being said I feel incredibly shameful admitting this but geez people why do you bug and bug me to register and then have a hay day bugging me about what I registered for and then in the end not get anything off it anyway? Sheesh. I have enough stress planning a wedding without your added drama. Rant over. :)
I knew other people felt like this!
I think one of the hardest things for me was my older brother who was visiting from out of town and asked if there is a reason we registered for such expensive pots and pans. He then said that he had gone to REI and looked at our luggage but didn't want to spend all that money so would it be okay if he bought me the smaller sized one? Honestly, buy what you'd like buddy. At this point, I just wish he wouldn't give me a gift instead of asking such obnoxious questions!
Another comment I got was 'why did you register for place settings for 12 people when there are just two of you' - or 'who needs that much flatware?' Well, WE DO. We are asked every year to attempt to host a holiday at our home but we don't have anywhere near the amount of plates, knives, silverware, cups, or glasses to HAVE a holiday here. And again YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT for US!!?
I also registered for some big ticket items that we had been putting off buying so we would get the completion discount after the wedding. We never expected someone to buy us a Dyson vacuum, but after 20% off, gift cards and our own cash, we could afford one this way.
This isn't a complant, but the person who was most adament about our having a registry (ahem, FI's grandmom) was the person who bought a huge amount of stuff off registry, like pots and pans. I just thought it was very funny, although very annoying, because then we had to cancel what we had already registerd for.
We didn't register. I've lived on my own for 23 years and i have everything that i need. A wife of one of my best friends from high school asked me where i registered. I felt like asking her if she was kidding. I hate to say it, but i feel like registries are for younger couples or couples just starting out...not couples in their 40's such as me and my FH. I don't really expect a gift from everyone and if we get something we do and we will be appreciative, if we don't then we don't and thats ok. We are flying in for the wedding so i don't really feel like carrying a toaster on the plane home but how do you tell people that. My FH's dad asked us what we wanted. None of my FH's family is coming to the wedding because its in MD and they are in FL. He said to think on it and let them know because a guess a bunch of them are gonna pitch in and get us something. This makes me uncomfortable because do we tell them something we may want for $20, for $50 or for $100.....who knows. He said "a gift is always much better then money or a giftcard". I completely disagree for the reason that i have everything i could possible want and need.
We haven't registered yet but people keep asking us where and when were are going to do it. I feel horrible if we register and people think it's too expensive. It's really a no win situation. I'm going to wait until the last possible moment if at all.
@christalynn11: I thnik it's really weird how people ask you what you want and then get something totally different and not from the registry. I had my registry listed on my invite for my bridal shower and I didn't get ONE GIFT from one of the registries. And from the other one, I got one gift. It was weird. Like, what's the point? I think people have good intentions but when the party day comes people think "Oh I need to go get a present, I'll just buy this". I mean, I still loved my presents but A LOT of my lingerie didn't fit (size was on the website)... Still had fun and wedding/parties were great...just seems like people don't look at registries much anymore..
The best part of registering was the gun. That was awesome. Other than that, I hate it for it's awkwardness and I privately wish people would just give us cash.
People ask what gifts they should buy you, but deep down they already know how much they want to spend and what they feel like giving you. I feel that they just ask to be polite or to make conversation. When people ask me what we want I just tell them that they should surprise me. I completely refuse to specifically ask for anything, this way I have no expectations and cant be disapointed.
The reason I like registries is actually so I can spend less $ on a couple if I'm not that close to them but suckered into going to a shower or wedding. Because we usually just give a large cash gift if it's our friends or close family, but otherwise I buy a $50 registry gift and write out a card. Also, if there are just too many weddings, babies, parties, whatever all at once (it's called fall) and we can't afford to give everyone a large $ amount, it's nice to be able to buy a less expensive tangible gift that they already picked out.
We refused to do a registry. I don't really like them and the traditional registry items did not appeal to me. If it came down to getting a muffin pan or nothing, I'd take nothing. My side of the family gave us money. His side of the family has given us nothing so far. My husband's feelings are hurt, but I wasn't really expecting anything from them anyways.
I was pressured into registering, and then only one couple used the registry and everyone else gave gift cards or nothing. I was confused. Why tell me to register and then just give me a gift card anyway? Couldn't you have done that on your own?
I felt ridic having a registry that no one purchased from. I'm still a bit bitter.
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This feels shameful to even post - I may seem ungrateful, but really I do appreciate what we have been given. I guess I'm just surprised - and I feel like I can't possibly be the only bride out there who has felt this way...
People INSISTED we register. So we did. Then people complained. They critiqued what we chose. They asked us if we would consider other less expensive items. They said BBandB wasn't close enough to their homes to shop there. They said the Target registry didn't have enough selection. They arrived at my shower with $21 gifts split between a few folks. They bought off-registry.
And all this time, I couldn't help but feel a little frustrated with the whole 'gift' aspect of the wedding. We are really going out of our way to do nice things for people (our attendant gifts are pretty awesome, everyone who helped throw my parties got a lovely gift and thank you card) and make the wedding a good experience.
Registering FELT WEIRD to begin with. People tell you they want to buy you things, to tell them what you would like, then they want to buy you something else or nothing at all?
So I updated our registries, I added different items, all the while wishing they would just give us what we asked for, a gift card, cash or simply a well wish.
How does the gift situation make you guys feel?