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Hi Bees!
Do you bees mind sharing some of the best advice that you’ve learned in pre-marriage counseling?
FI and I have faithfully endured over 10 months of marriage counseling. It’s been such a blessed experience and has helped us both to grow spiritually as a couple.
Our pastor told us from the beginning that he was going to teach us what was biblically correct not what was politically correct. The first thing we taught us was how to build our marriage on a firm foundation, the same way that Jesus told Paul to build his church on a rock meaning on Jesus. He also thought us how a three cord rope (God, FI and me) is stronger than a one cord rope or even a two cord rope. We’ve learned what the biblical roles of a wife and a husband are in a marriage. We talked about our finances and about raising children. He also gave us a couple of books and such.
The last piece of advice he left us with was this:
1. For each of us to read our bibles daily.
2. Eat our meals together
3. Get to as many church services as we can-Three to thrive (Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday night (bible study) which we love going to church we are both church goers)
4. Invest in our church-With our time helping with church ministry and doing evangelical work and our finances (10% of our income goes to tithing).
5. Never go to bed mad at each other.
Bump: Doesn't have to be Christian marriage counseling. It could be any marriage counseling...
Our pastor said to be a student of each other. For instance, instead of just getting mad that something your SO does is different than how you would do it, recognize it's coming from someone with a different perspective on life. When you look at your SO as someone to be studied and try to understand them instead of chalking it up to them being unintelligent or obstinate, it will really help.
He said as believers, how we conduct our marriage is a picture of how Christ loves the church, so try to keep that in mind-- we're a witness even when we are annoyed at each other.
Also, someone else told me to always uphold your husband, especially in the company of others. Don't tear him down. In private, don't be sarcastic and cut each other down--you are there to support each other, and joking in a negative way doesn't help your relationship.
I'm a newlywed and I'm really thankful that we haven't had any issues where these would come into play, but I try to keep them at the front of my mind for the future. :-)
I haven't been to counseling yet so I haven't gotten advice from there... but the advice that is ALWAYS passed around my family from my grandparents to parents to aunts and uncles is (seriously): fight naked. They always say that when you're young and you fight naked the fight doesn't last too long because you end up ah'em distracted? :) And when you're old and you fight naked the fight doesn't last too long because you end up laughing (at yourselves and each other). I don't know how literally anyone takes it and FI and I certainly have never stripped down to argue... but its a funny piece of advice nevertheless!
Also, can you explain the rationale behind the tithing thing? i've heard that before but i don't get it. what does the church do with your money?
@ Corgi - "fight naked"! Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!! If I was super-mad at my husband, and this was our motto, I'm afraid if I started pulling my clothes off to fight with him I'd just throw them at him!!! LOL!!!
Seriously though, the pastor really focused a lot on finances (since apparently that's the biggest thing married couples fight over..?) and stressed the importance of having a savings account and retirement plans. Of course he talked about other things too, and the spiritual aspect of our relationship, but he started out talking about finances and spent half the time on that and the rest of it on other areas.
Our pastor told us that a priority in marrying someone isn't whether they'll be a good provider or a good mother, but whether they'll be a good companion.
@ Corgitales Just curious have you taken that advice about "fighting naked" yet? Lol. That made me LOL.
Tithing
Everything the pastor taught us in marriage counseling was straight out of the Bible. He would always start out our marriage counseling sessions with, “Let’s have a moment of prayer” than he would tell us the topic and tell us to open our Bibles to such and such. So in my notes I have bible verses and things such as that to show you were it says that in the bible…If you want me to.
Most churches teach that you should give (tithe) 10% of your monthly finances before taxes and spread it evenly every Sunday. God will take your 90% and stretch it. Gods body is the church so if you rob from God you’re causing him bodily harm. And if you rob from God your pretty much cursed. I don’t know if that’s literal but we are pretty much fundamental Christians.
That’s pretty much all.
I know with planning our wedding and all the expenses of the wedding it is really a huge sacrifice to tithe 10% of our income, but it's well worth it because I know God will provide for us a beautiful wedding.. We've been in prayer that he would meet our financial needs for our wedding....
@Corgi - that's some fun marriage advice! Though I think i would be like okqueenbee and start throwing my clothes at Mr. Pea!
One thing our priest kept telling us that still sticks out is to make sure you have God in your home. Being an Orthodox, we have icons (pictures of saints, Mary and Jesus). So we have icons all over the house. An icon of the last supper in our kitchen and a cross over our door that we walk through the most coming into the house. He said if you don't have God in your home, He will whither from your heart.
My husband and I also don't believe in the "don't ever go to bed angry..." saying. We find that if we go to bed angry, in the morning, we usually have calmed down and forget the reason we were fighting to begin with. Either that, or we both realize why we were wrong and we talk about it in the morning much more calmly.
And finally, it was actually the Catholic Church that made us realize how strong our bond is. My husband is Catholic, and as i said above, I'm Orthodox. When you go to pre-marital counseling in the Catholic church, they have a piece of paper that they ask the person who is of Catholic faith to sign basically saying that they will do everything in their power to raise their children Catholic. My husband went into the counseling saying that he wouldn't ever sign the piece of paper, b/c we knew we wanted to raise our kids Orthodox. Well, the priest told him that if he didn't sign it, he would be considered in "poor" standing with the Catholic church, and wouldn't be able to receive any of the sacraments. He was pretty saddened by this, and so we went to a separate room and talked about it. I told him that I would never want him to not be able to participate in the sacraments of his faith, and that it was a piece of paper required by the church, not something binding in the eyes of God, and just to sign it. It was one of the best talks we had, and he saw how supportive I was of his faith while I saw how he was willing to put his faith at risk for me and my faith. It just brought us closer together.
So...that last story wasn't really advice, but more of a way to show how religion can bring a couple closer together, even if it didn't mean to :o)
My fi and I went to our Engaged Encounter Catholic Retreat 2 weeks aog and we had a gret time! It truly was a bonding experience and got everything out on the table so to speak! But the one thing that stuck in my mind and still does, is the mentor said..."Don't go to the ALTAR to ALTER!" Very clever, but true! I guess you figure some people will think things will change once their married or some might try to change their spouse.
Prime example...my cousin got married after 9 yrs of dating her then BF, they were really rocky, she didn't like certain things about him and thought that that might change after getting married...WRONG! They ended up getting married anyway. Well 2 yrs later, they're getting a divorce! I think this is a perfect example of what that means!
@thefuturemrsgibbs- no, I have not taken the advice yet :) Honestly I don't know how literally it is meant to be taken haha. It is something that comes up at every single family wedding and all the older people laugh and nod, but so far I have not decided to strip down when angry haha.
re: tithing-- is that from the new or old testament, if you don't mind my asking? i just find the whole concept very interesting. I am Christian but I am not super tied to any church. I grew up in a very liberal Lutheran church that did not preach tithing-- at least not like that. Then I went to college and took some classes in the history of Christianity that I found fascinating, particularly in how the bible came into being.
I've seen tithing as a good thing, but I think it can turn into a legalistic task. I don't think it states anywhere in the New Testament that if you don't tithe, you are cursed. Tithing is not to be forced upon believers. We should be cheerful givers and choose to give money out of our love for Christ, not because we fear damnation. I believe tithing also shows that our hearts are not bound by money, that we can freely give it up.
I know the Old Testament requires it, but Jesus fulfilled the old law through his sacrifice.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pro-tithing, but I don't think it's mandatory and I don't think God curses his believers; he bestows grace upon them.
Don't forget that your spouse comes before your children. If you put your children's needs above your spouse's, you lose the firm foundation you've set for them.
@ejs-- that is really interesting advice.... i'm not quite sure how i feel about it though. I think you obviously can't forget about your spouse's needs or place them in a much lower position than your childrens, but your spouse is an adult who can fend for themselves.
Hey, Futuremrsgibbs - I don't want to sound like a downer, but I don't 100% agree with everything your pastor told you. I've always disagreed with the advice to not go to bed mad at each other, I've found that can cause things to get worse and actually after a good night's sleep it's much easier to be constructive.
Also, go to as many church services as possible and invest in the church? I'm going to argue that this one doesn't 100% benefit you two as a couple and is more a benefit for the church financially. I get the reasoning behind it, so you are more involved in the church community, building healthy relationships that will support your marriage and I guess it shouldn't come for free, but there are so many other ways you can build healthy relationships and be a part of communities, I just am surprised he put such an emphasis on that. And reading bibles daily, I think that's just to get you more involved with the Church and there are other things you could read together that can bring you closer.
These are just my thoughts, I feel strongly about them obviously. And to answer your question the best advice our Reverend gave us was to learn good communication skills (which we already have), develop healthy relationships for support and avoid inappropriate relationships that can damage our union, learn from relationships that influence us (parents) either by repeating good behavior or avoiding bad and don't use finances as a means to express frustration about other things (which a lot of couples do and is one of the biggest causes of divorce).
@Corgi, I know, it's weird advice, right? I think it was meant more for like....putting your children's needs above your husbands to the point you strain your relationship with your husband. I don't take it like needs as in "oh the baby needs to be fed" but more like neglecting your husband in favor of your children....not necessarily short term type stuff (obv a new baby's needs come first, etc), but letting your husband drop to the bottom of the ladder and neglecting your marriage. At least that's how I take it. Parents can get SO wrapped up in their kids I think it's easy to let your marriage fall to the wayside. It's a couple weeks at first, then a few months....
@ejs that makes a lot of sense. I guess i took it more literally like: if you have to choose between your husband and your children you choose him. But I definitely agree that you have to make your marriage a priority.
@Corgi, yeah i didn't take it literally but more so the general priority. I think sometimes you choose your kids based on the time in their life, sometimes you choose your husband, but you have to spread the love and attention around and stay balanced. I'd like to know that if i was feeling neglected and frustrated and my needs weren't being met (more so emotional/supportive I guess...it's not like i can't feed myself or do my own laundry) that my husband wouldn't say, "well we have kids, sorry" but was there for me, too. Found a way to fit it in. There's always a way.
Mom says I'll feel differently when I have kids, that they'll be my whole world and stuff, more than my husband. Sometimes i feel like that's dangerous talk! =P
A tidbit I picked up from a couples dinner, where there was a Christian husband and wife speaking: don't use the words "always" and "never."
Meaning, don't say "You always do this," or "You never do that." It's not true or communicative, and it can be damaging to think of things in those absolute terms.
There are quite a few interesting opinions and pieces of advice in this thread! :)
i think what was talked about regarding investing in the church and reading your scriptures daily is very important. tithing - my family has always done it that they give to certain organizations, and consider that their tithing because it will still help people even if it's not through the church.
but i believe that when you get involved with your church it helps build community, which may be just for the church to grow, but i know my church has a very strong community, and i can see it's helped my parents in the fact that they have other couples who have gone through what they've gone through, and they can teach and learn from each other.
and the scriptures? our church teaches very heavily that through the scriptures you learn and grow in Christ, and when you read them together, you grow together. we have a passage about a cord of three strands is not easily broken, and it has to do with building your marriage on God, so by reading the scriptures together you are building that relationship.
obviously there are other things that you can read, and by all means, do that as well because reading them will teach you stuff that the bible may no necessarily but i personally don't believe they should replace the scriptures.
@minutiae- that is good advice I think. I use a lot of strategies that I learned in mediator training in my arguing. The always/never thing is totally true. Also, it is much more effective to use i-statements than you-statements. "I feel like you don't care about me when you x because y" versus "you obviously don't care about me because you x." If you make it about you and your feelings instead of accusing someone of something, it seems to be more effective.
wow... all of these are good. lol @ naked to fight. the most important part of the premarital that I will never forget is when our mentoring couple explained that the bible commands the husband to love his wife, but the bible did NOT command the wife to love husband, because God knows human nature, and that it is easier for unloving wife to fall in love with her loving husband, then it is for a unloving husband to fall in love his loving wife. Sooooo true.
@Loveapril That's a good way to look at the bible. No wonder it emphasizes that a man should love their wife. Some people get upset that it says that the wives have to submit to their husbands but all the husband has to do is love his wife. But the way you put it makes complete sense.
One of the things I love that our pastor shared with us was during a session on communication.
Ask the second question. It's easy to ask what happened, but harder to ask how it makes the other person feels. We've been working on that and it's really helped us!
@ Lace
Yeah they say:
Talk is cheap, but listening is expensive!
ok, that brings about the other part of what my mentoring couple said about "submitting". The submitting is a process in the bible, just as Jesus laid down His life in sacrifice for us all, such is the example that the husband must do for his wife. So when husbands sacrificed all for his beloved wife, that's when the wife willingly and joyfully CHOOSES to submit to her husband. Think of the sacrifices that Jesus made for us all, did we not willingly and joyfully CHOOSES to submit to Jesus' will??
That was such an inspiration for me that I found the word "Ahav" online, which means "love" in Hebrew, but there are several words in Hebrew for love, Ahav is the sacrificial love, the ultimate love shown by God to us...
As a verb this word means "to provide and
protect what is given as a privilege" as well as " to have an intimacy of action and emotion". We are told to
love God and our neighbors, not in an emotional sense, but in the sense of our actions
@ Loveapril Thanks for the explanation on the Hebrew word for "Love". Our pastor taught us that Love is a decision. And that sometimes some people get a divorce because they "fall out of love". To avoid that you just have to make the decision to love that person with your whole heart even on a bad day.
I think there are many pieces of excellent advice here. And it's so great to read the advice of couples who are following God's word. I was a non-believer or agnostic for too many years of my life. After meeting my fiance I was walking in my house one day and practically dropped to my knees when this overwhelming feeling came over me. I can't explain it exactly, but it was the moment that I realized I had been very stupid and that God had always been with me. Since then I have tried to learn more about life philosphies and God. As our wedding is approaching I'm constantly looking for advice, books, scripture, etc that focuses on how to be a Christian Wife and mother.
As far as the "not going to bed angry" I think this should also follow "Don't leave home angry" and "Don't hang up the phone angry".I'm a firm believer in these, though I don't always live by them. I have left home angry once and I was just thinking "If I got in a wreck and died my fiance would live with the guilt that our last words to each other were spoken in anger"
Plus you should NEVER raise your voice when you're having a tiff. This goes with what someone said about learning from each other. If you are yelling at each other you don't actually hear the other person's side you're getting talked at and not to. If you are being calm and not yelling then you are actually listening to the other persons side which gives you the opprotunity to learn from the mistake that caused this fight. That piece of advice actually came from my fiance. It took me a long time that when I got mad to not raise my voice and it just made me even more frustrated that he would listen to me as calm as a cucumber and speak softely when I stopped. It was actually a fight with my mom that brought this home. She was yelling at us (yes fiance and myself). We kept trying to talk but she wasn't listening and frankly I wasn't listening to her side either because I shut down. I wasn't interested in her anger words that had little merit.
I think Minutiae makes a good point. Just recently my fiance made a comment about the number of times I call him. If he doesn't answer I do tend to call at least once more and has he's been on pain pills lately I tend to call multiple times because I think he's asleep and I *need* him to know something. This particular day he said "you always call over and over again" I was so hurt as I had had a horrible day and was currently standing outside the ER. And I haven't really called him since, I'm not angry anymore but I'm still pretty hurt over it.
This is an e-mail that was sent to me that helps me through hard times.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of the story is:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God
MrsJellybean227 That story about the man on the deserted island was really good and it had a good moral to the story. Thanks for sharing.
We have done Christian marriage counseling even though we aren't religious, because our pastor requires it. We learned a lot! One of the best things I took with me was a principle from the book, "Love and Respect", which is to remember that your spouse is a person of goodwill. I think in arguments its so easy to start thinking that your partner is out to hurt you, or that they have negative intentions, and to basically accuse them of not being a good person. I know that my FI is a good person and has goodwill towards me, and so I have to acknowledge that even when we disagree or things get heated, he's not saying or doing these things maliciously - maybe its because he's just as upset and scared and hurt as I am. Being able to identify that has already made our fights so much easier and quicker!
OUr preacher suggested the book "Sheet Music" for all couples stating that romance does not begin in the bedroom. we have started reading it and its a great book written by a christian psychologist
Omg! I lost my darn binder that I made as a wedding planning book and I had all kinds of notes of marriage classes... I'm sooo bummed.
I agree with putting your husband before your kids. If you and your husband dont have a solid relationship then your kids will pick up on it and could lead to other problems with the kids. You should always make time for your spouse. Your husband should be second on your priority list...God, spouse, children/family, friends and so on.
Ive been doing the Love and Respect program and listening to Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans its been really great stuff! The main thing about the love and respect is from Ephesians 5:22. In the workbook we have it says Wifes must respect their husbands and Husbands must love their wifes. It like a cycle...if you dont show respect to your husband then he wont show you love...if he does not show you love then you wont respect him. Woman need love and Men need respect. (of course we both need love and respect equally).
Premarital Advice:
1. Your spouse should be your BEST friend. If they are not...you need to working on becoming.
2. No one person wins in an argument. If one person wins....both of you lose.
3. Don't loose respect for each other.
4. Learn each other's Love Language and use that to show the other love.
The best pre-engagement advice I ever recieved came from a very unlikely source. I work at a bank, and one of customers, a big rough & tough cattle rancher gave me a book that his wife made him read. It can be found in the Christian section of bookstores usually, "The Five Languages of Love"
The first chapter is kind of mushy, but what the rest of the book offers is so true. I couldn't put it down and read it all in one afternoon. I could easily pick out what type my then-boyfriend-now-husband was and how I can show him love and what type I was. You can apply it to all loved-ones - children, parents, siblings, friends too. I've bought several copies now for shower presents and others going through tough times.
Best wishes to all of you!
The best piece of advice I've recieved is from a long-married family friend. She told me that every single morning when she wakes up she asks herself "Do I still want to married to X?" and then acts accordingly (doing extra, nice things for him, thinking before she speaks if they fight, etc. Like people are more inclined to do in a new relationship). There are so many relationships that end when someone starts to take their partner for granted, and I think this is a really good aproach to keep fresh love in a marriage.
Our pastor (who is also my cousin) spoke on three points: Communication, Finances, and Religion.
1. For communication, he said each of us has a time of day when we do not want to talk. We should determine these times and decide that no serious relationship discussions should be allowed at this time. For example, I am NOT a morning person. I tend to be kind of cranky earlly in the morning and this would be a really bad time to try to have a serious conversation.
2. Finances: he said to have a plan for our finances and to stick with it. He recommended that we do our finances together, and he said that it doesn't matter who makes more money because all of the money earned is for our family together not just one individual in the marriage.
3. Religion: He quoted the statistics for divorce in the average American couple as compared to a couple that is actively involved in church. The difference was staggering. I can't remember the numbers off the top of my head but I'll repost if I find them. He also mentioned tithing and the family structure and values that are supported by the church.
He also told my FH to never stop "dating" me and learning about me. He also told him, "There may come a time in your marriage when you realize that your sex life is lacking some. My best advice is this: If you want a better sex life, DO THE DISHES!" Loved that one :)
And a quick comment on the "never go to bed angry" advice. I've heard that many times and I don't really agree. Sometimes, I might be PMSing and just cranky and I get angry over stupid things. Usually, once I sleep on it, I realize that I was unreasonable and apologize for my behavior. I think the important thing in fighting is to make sure that your partner still feels loved. My FH always makes an effort to tell me that he loves me even when we're fighting and I do the same for him. There are some fights that can't be resolved in one day and that's ok. I think the "don't go to bed angry" advice puts pressure on you to work something out that may just need time to work itself out. So my best advice on that front is to fight fair even when you're angry. Be kind to each other even when you're angry. Tell your husband you love him, even when you're angry.
well - our minister (my godfather) - we FINALLY got to meet with two weeks ago. Thing is, we are legally married already and he knows this. NORMALLY he does put his couples through "marriage counseling" before the wedding - but since we are already married (and he's known me since birth) we did literally a very informal sit-down with him and his wife for 2 hours. My husband - who is "spiritual" but not religious - was very respectful throughout, which was good! anyways though - as far as the "best advice" I got from the two-hour meeting was "learn how to 'carry' your spouse in times of need".
He talked about how - when one spouse or the other needs to be "carried" during times of need, that it is OK to do so - as long as it doesn't HURT the relationship and as long as it doesn't carry on for an indefinite time. For example, he talked about a time when he had a bout of depression and really couldn't function as he normally did and how his wife did everything that needed to be done - taking care of EVERYTHING around the house - even things he normally would have been doing - as well as helping with all of the church stuff that would normally have been his to do.
Of course I know that a lot of people would have issues with this - but I understood what he was talking about. Now, I am of the mindset - for example my sister-in-law...if you're with someone who is lazy - refuses to work - and you do EVERYTHING...that's a different story. I hate how my SIL works 2 jobs to "support" her boyfriend of 10 years - and he literally sits around the house doing nothing. But again, that's a different situation. What my godfather(minister) was talking about was more "in times of need". And I couldn't agree more.
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