Post # 1
I could use a little guidance in dealing with a sensitive situation, if you don’t mind. Among our very close friends is a couple that we know have been trying desperately to have a child for several years, but with no success due to a number of problems. It’s heartbreaking because they are amazing people and would make really great parents. Darling Husband and I have discussed it and would even choose them over family as our child’s guardian should anything happen to us. When we started TTC, the thought crossed my mind that it would be very hard to share the news with them if we were successful. They are great and loving people and would be 100% thrilled for us, but at the same time I’m afraid it might be very hard for them to swallow.
I’m now very newly pregnant (it even feels weird typing out those words), and as it turns out they will be passing through town next weekend and have asked to stay with us. So my question is twofold. One, do we share the news with them this early on, knowing that they have dealt with several miscarriages and know what the deal is? They might suspect something is up anyway because we normally hang out and drink and talk late into the night, and I certainly won’t be doing any drinking.
And more generally, what is the most sensitive and delicate way to share our news with them (now or later) to take the sting out of it for them?
Thanks in advance for your advice and suggestions!
Post # 3
We tried for 22 months before we got a sticky baby (2 miscarriages). I was still happy for my friends who got pregnant during that time. In case she is having a bad day, I’d tell her before they come stay with you so she can mentally prepare if she needs to. So probably call her, or even email if that is your normal mode of conversation.
Post # 4
I’m not in your situation, but I have heard that giving them the news casually over the phone, can be a good way to go. In the event they do have a little trouble controlling their emotions, over the phone allows them a little room to fake it while respecting the friendship enough not to lie or let them find out via social media. Also, I wouldn’t tell them anything about wanting them as legal guardians just yet. GL!
Post # 5
My BFF got pregnant the first month off BC and they weren’t even trying to get pregnant. She told me in person, and while I had a gut feeling it was coming, it still hurt. We had been texting all day, and I honestly wish she would have told me in a text first so I could have gotten over the initial shock, rather than try to mask my emotions in person. Obviously, I’m over the moon excited for them and wish them nothing but the best. Your friends may be sad for themselves, but they will truly be happy for you as well.
Post # 6
@PlusOne: I am feeling the same way 110%
Darling Husband older sisters been trying for 7 years: 5 MC, 2 baby’s (my nephews) were delivered at 4 months due to different medical issues that made for a not viable baby. -2 different pregnancies- then two months ago they got the news that an infection post birth ruined her tubes and they can only have a baby via IVF now. Which is going to cost them $15,000
i feel so so so guilty, getting pregnant and I have no idea how I will tell her. When Darling Husband twin sister gir pregnant last year. His older sister was so upset… Happy but became very distant to her sister. It was painful for both of them, I am so close to Darling Husband older sister I don’t want this pregnancy to hurt our friendship. It’s so hard
. I am glad you posted this because I was going to write a similar post in the pregnancy board. :,(
Post # 7
I have a friend who was TTC with her husband when he became ill with cancer and then passed away. Most of my friends knew but I decided not to tell her because she was out of the state with her husband getting treatment when we found out. I ran into her at Old Navy of all places a week after the funeral because I was looking for maternity tops so I was in the maternity section. So while we were talking it came up (no I didn’t jump up and down and scream I was pregnant). Her eyes watered, she looked shocked. She said “You’re pregnant too??” (Another one of our friends was pregnant and due within a month at that time). I said yes. She let it sink in and she told me she was happy for me. And you know what? I knew she was. We didn’t dwell on it. We continued to talk about how she was doing. We actually stood there and talked for like an hour and a half. Now when I see her she asks me how me and baby are doing.
Like you I was really worried about her finding out and the timing REALLY sucked and I know she was hurt. But I didn’t take it personal that she was hurt because she had just been through A LOT… and I knew that eventually she would be happy for me (but I wasn’t looking for her to do so)
So… maybe feel them out. If they are looking at you sideways because you’re not drinking then maybe you can tell them. Even if it does sting I think in the long run they will be happy for you.
Post # 8
Thank you so much for your tips and stories. They were very helpful. I think the plan will be to say nothing this weekend. If they do ask, I probably wouldn’t deny it but I also wouldn’t dwell on it.
We may go visit them around July 1st, so if we do I will make a point of telling them ahead of time by phone or by email (assuming this one sticks!).
You guys are awesome.
Post # 9
It might hurt her at first or take time to sink in, but a friend would never begrudge a friend happiness. Now it infuriated me when I was stuck in bed after my m/c and saw some random teenager of a friend was pregnant, but that’s different. I have never been anything but happy for each and every one of my friends no matter where I was during the TTC process.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@PlusOne: I would wait until they leave unless it’s obvious that you’re pregnant. They are probably going to be somewhat upset by the news and will need time to recover and doing so under the same roof would be uncomfortable. Wait until the all clear at 12 weeks.
Post # 11
We “only” took 19 months to get pregnant, and never got any definitive news that it was going to be hard for us for a major specific reason, but I always appreciated hearing this kind of news via email. It just gave me a little minute to be in a funk without having to face the person telling me, and get happy for them again by the time I spoke/saw them in person.
Post # 12
My brother and sister in law had been trying for three years before they got pregnant. Darling Husband and I started trying around six weeks before we found out they were pregnant. We were so excited when we got the news, as we’d been dreading getting pregnant first and having to tell them.
They’re bound to be upset, and they’re probably dealing with a lot of stress from trying and different fertility treatments etc. If I were you I’d tell them if they ask when they’re visiting this time (i.e. if they question why you’re not drinking), but otherwise tell them over the phone / by email in advance of seeing them in July, so they have time to prepare themselves mentally. Also, I’d make sure you tell them before telling any of your mutual friends, so they don’t find out from someone else.
Post # 13
@PlusOne: I wouldn’t mention it to them especially since you’re very newly pregnant. When you’re further along and decide to tell them, definitely don’t do it in person. A phone call, email or a text would be best so they have time to process it.
I’ve had three miscarriages, one of them I found out about at my 12 week ultrasound. When people announce to me that they’re pregnant VERY early (especially people who know about my MCs) I feel especially hurt. I’m not saying my feelings are justified, but that’s how I feel.
Post # 14
@As_You_Wish: Good to know. I’m very sorry you had to go through that.
Post # 15
I agree, tell her boforehand…while I”m not okay with blasting it to the world and on FB right after a BFP, I think close friends will know somethign is up, and trying to hide it is never a good thing, and while she may be sensitive to the news, she will ultimatley be very excited for you but you should allow her some time to process that so that she can get to that point before she arrives!
Post # 16
@PlusOne: As someone that has been TTC for years….I can pretty much guess how your friends will react. You mention that you’ve considered them as guardians for your child so that tells me how you feel about them.
I would personally like it if you told before I spent the weekend w/you. If we were just going to dinner, I’d probaby go home and cry afterwards (sorry but it’s bound to happen) but since they are staying with you, I think you need to tell them. That way if it’s too painful, they have the option to stay elsewhere or not come at all.
They WILL get over it…we all do and they’ll be thrilled for you but it still doesn’t mean it won’t enforce the fact that they’ve failed at doing something that seems to be so easy for others to accomplish <- that’s how I feel when I hear pregnancy news.
Also, as someone that is named as the sole guardian (in their will) of a young family member of mine….it was an honor when they asked me. They knew I’d been TTC and said they couldn’t think of a better mother to their child than her own. If it’s something you are serious about, I’d wait a while before I asked them.