- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
This year was the first Thanksgiving that I was away from my family, since I moved to a different state to live with my BF. His family lives here, so we celebrated Thanksgiving with them, and a cousin of mine who was visiting his girlfriend, who also lives here, came too.
Because I didn’t get to see my immediate family over Thanksgiving, it was never a question that I was returning for Christmas. My SO wanted to spend some time with his family, since his sister would be in town (she lives in another state), but we originally planned that he would fly to my state after spending a bit of time with her to spend some time with me and my family.
To make a long story short, he didn’t end up deciding to come. While I understand the importance of spending time with his sister (since he gets to see his parents whenever he wants), she ended up being in town for two full weeks. They are both working adults– she is 25 and he is 27– and I don’t know about her, but he certainly makes enough money and has enough vacation time that he could go and visit her another time this year had he come with me and felt like it wasn’t enough time. I make significantly less $ and have a lot less flexibility with my vacation time.
Visiting my siblings was also very important to me, since I am very close with my younger sister who is 18 and away at college, and my little brother is only 11- so it is very difficult to feel like I miss out on his life a lot of the time, since I left for college when he was only 6. Because he is so young, we still do the Christmas morning opening of gifts from Santa. I didn’t recieve quite as many gifts as my brother did, obviously, but I received stocking stuffers, a new purse and some jewelry, workout gear, and two pairs of boots (from my parents and “Santa”- these don’t include things from my siblings or cousins). His family- 25 and 27 year old “kids” and his parents- did the whole shebang, which is very strange to me. I can’t imagine what it would have been like had I been there. Likewise, it probably would have felt strange for him to be at my house for Christmas. I guess it’s difficult for me to judge, since my family does the same, but I know things would be very, very different if my little brother weren’t in the picture.
Anyway… how are we supposed to share holidays when his family still treats him like such a child… and he likes it that way, so much so that he chooses them over his partner? (His mommy’s boy issues are surfacing in a lot of our arguments these days… more on that in another post soon, I am sure…)
Not only was I hurt that he didn’t choose to spend time with my family over the holidays (and believe me, had I realized I would feel that way before we made that decision, I would have made my feelings known), my parents were really hurt. They feel that his choosing his family over me shows that he is not ready to commit (I am struggling a lot with this right now). Furthermore, his mommy’s boy issue is causing a lot of fights about housework, him expecting me to drop all plans when his family pops into town unexpectedly, him not communicating with me about family plans, etc.
Any advice, Bees? Even if you’re not sure how to help, can you share how you handle splitting holidays when one of your families is super far away, and sometimes splitting holidays might mean not seeing a sibling for over a year? What is the holiday and Christmas-morning gift giving like when one family showers their adult child with gifts… do the parents do the same for the visiting partner? Isn’t that awkward? Would love to hear how it works for other families and relationships.