Post # 1
how many of you share your marital woes with your friends?
just curious because we all have relationship issues once in awhile, and we all need to vent it somewhere.
I might tell my sisters or my best friend when we have an argument, but we’ve had a few pretty big fights that I haven’t told anyone about. I think it’s because I’m worried that they will judge the entire relationship on an argument and somehow convince me that I shouldn’t be with him. I also don’t want them to look at him in a different way.
just how much of your marital life do you share If any?
Post # 3
@RockStar33: I would say don’t share much. Use internet forums instead. You don’t want to paint a bad picture of your spouse to someone else, unless your spouse really is bad! If that is the case, maybe seek out individual counseling.
I was in a previous marriage that was riddled with woes. Bad stuff. I did seek out counseling because I was at a loss on how to improve things. I shared with some friends, but I was already on my way out of the marriage then. I needed outside perspective because my ex made me doubt my own perceptions.
What are your fights mostly about?
Post # 4
@RockStar33: I never reveal anything that might put Mr. 99 in a bad light with my friends or family, it leaves an indelible impression that cannot be erased, and just because he’s an emotionally marooned jackass that has a penchant for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time is no reason to lambast him because I might be a little wounded from our last dust up…..and he has so many endearing and lovely qualities that no one sees but me, so he would never be able to redeem himself in their eyes.
Post # 5
@RockStar33: I no longer share unless I am visibly upset (and I am pretty good at hiding it).
I was upset with DH one time about some chairs that flew off the pickup (long story I won’t get into), and my BFF, who is great to talk to but considiers her less than 1 year relationship superior to my nearly 4 year relationship and marriage, said, “Oh look at me gushing about my FI telling me how beautiful I am and you and your husband are having relationship problems!” I was ready to beat her damn face in.
It only took that one time and now I don’t share anything. I also won’t share it with my parents. I don’t need anyone thinking that just because I have a little spat with my husband that my marriage is suddenly over or we need counseling.
Post # 6
@RockStar33: I’m not married but I don’t tell my friends and family about any arguments that BF and I have. Well any big ones anyway. I might say something funny like “He thinks using paper plates is tacky but I think using regular plates all the time is crazy!”
Small, little arguments like that are okay. Anything bigger than that, nooooo. You will forgive and forget about fights but your friends/family won’t. They’ll always look at him differently.
I agree with the PP. Use internet forums if you have to.
Post # 7
@megz06: Hmm, I’ve never thought that about people or had people think that about my relationship. Last Christmas, my sister-in-law shared a funny story with us about how she and my brother were fighting over toothpaste.
We all laughed and we certainly didn’t think their marriage was in trouble because of it.
But I can see how some people would. That possibility never occurred to me, wow. Guess I should take back my previous statement about how sharing little arguments is okay.
Post # 8
@RockStar33: My best friend has heard it all. She’s the one I vent to all the time. But because she’s the one I always go to, she also knows how much we love each other. She’s known FI for as long as I have, so she knows when I’m venting or we’re having a problem that he’s not some evil person (nor do I paint him as such), we’re just working through things and she gets that.
Post # 9
@RockStar33: Sometimes I turn to my mom, but seeing as my FI is now almost-family to her, I don’t want to involve her in our little spats. I do seek her out when something is really bothering me–she’s a good voice of reason and she and my dad have been happily married over 30 years, so I figure that there is a lot I can learn from her.
Otherwise I spill to my best friend. We’ve been best friends for over 15 years and she knows everything. She has seen me through some really crazy times, and she still she loves me and doesn’t judge. She loves my FI and I know she won’t think differently of him or of our relationship regardless of whatever stupid thing he said or did or should have done differently, lol. FI and I don’t fight often, so when I do bring something up, it feels important to me. Sometimes I’m being crazy or irrational (in which case she will tell me so) and sometimes I have real reason to be upset (in which case she will tell me so).
It’s taken years of practice, but I’ve figured out who I can trust with such personal issues, and who I should avoid bringing them up to.
Post # 10
I don’t tell anyone about any fights or disagreements, unless they’re funny (like his intense and insane desire to name our unborn child “Julius”)
Post # 11
I definitely share some stuff with my best friends when FI and are fighting (which is rare). I think it’s normal to have someone outside the relationship to sound off too, as long as you share the good AND bad, if they know you, and your FI, it shouldn’t paint a negative view of your relationship.
I don’t really share problems with my family tho.
Post # 12
@RockStar33: I don’t share any problems/fights I have with Mr. BaldEagle to anyone. I share issues I have with his family with my friends/family sometimes. But besides that I don’t tell anyone anything that would make them think of my DH in a bad way.
Post # 13
@Nona99: lol that is spot on it love it!
Post # 14
I’m learning the hard way not to overshare. It’s led to a lot of unhappiness and doubts on my part that probably wouldn’t have been there otherwise – or wouldn’t have been as bad at the very least. >.<
I’ve found that ever since I’ve gotten into a serious relationship, there’s been a ton of noise around me – everyone has an opinion about relationships and how mine should be. Things get blown out of proportion and really, it’s nobody’s business.
The problem is that I tend to overshare about everything. It’s in my personality to, so I’m trying fix that.
Post # 15
My bff recently spilled the beans about how her husband is a complete ASSHOLE (borderline abusive imo, and Ive told her this now.) And now she acts like nothing is wrong now that that “fight” is over. I cant look at him the same way or stand being in the same room with him now.
Post # 16
@Nona99: I really wish I’d been given this advice before starting my current relationship! It’s so spot-on and I’ve half screwed things up already. >.< You’re so right – there are so many wonderful things about him that only I see, and my SO not a very socially gifted kind of person, so it’ll be hard for him to redeem himself once I start venting about a bunch of little things.
I also find that – and I don’t know if it’s because I’m related/friends with total downers, but I find that people are often just chomping on the bit to find fault in our relationship. People always seem to just want to find things that are going to be dealbreakers. I’ve had people tell me perfectly mild things that I’m not bothered about at ALL should be considered “totally unacceptable.” Many of the people I’m surrounded by also don’t have particularly happy relationships so I really should just stop talking to people and feel my own way through the relationship.