Post # 1
Hello Hive! I need your advice.
My fiance and I got engaged in December 2011, and have set a date for September 22, 2012. My future in-laws threw us an engagement party two weeks ago, and it’s just been lovely.
Fast forward to this past weekend. My sister-in-law-to-be got engaged as well, and so now we have two brides planning weddings in one family. My new sister texted me last night asking if we could “share” resources, and also informed me that she intends on having her wedding within TWO WEEKS of my own.
I must also inform you that we are having the wedding at my fiance’s home. It is likely my new sister will also hold her wedding at her family’s home.
I am upset. Having a wedding so close to mine will make the whole planning process stressful, will take attention from the mother-of-the groom, and frankly, I don’t want to share resources.
Is this selfish? How do you suggest I handle this?! I want to be a great daughter-in-law, but this is really upsetting me.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!
Post # 3
Two weeks is a pretty short. I assume you’ll want to get help from your sis and mom or other family members in getting everything (projects, etc.) ready for your big day, so I think it would be a little taxing to expect everyone to do things twice in such a short time period. I could see putting maybe 3-4 months between, but with only a few weeks, I guess Sis is out to help you with stuff.
I don’t know if it’s ‘selfish’ or not, but I’d be quite upset too!
Edit: I just reread your post and somehow missed the first time that it was your sister-in-law, not your sister getting married. I think that makes it more ok since the family of the bride will likely be more invovled in wedding planning. So you can get help from your family, and your FSIL can get help from her parents/family. Your FI/her bro won’t be expected to do too much in your SIL’s wedding, right?
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s big deal. We say over and over that you only get one day. Will it be crazy and hectic? YES! But can it still be great? Yes.
I had my BF get married within a few weeks of me, and it was great. Someone who was always in the mood to talk weddings, someone to keep her eye out for things I would like, and I found stuff she would like, and it was fun.
It will be what you make it. If you dwell on how terrible it is, and how unjust that she get married so close to you, it will be bad. But if you think about how great it will be it will be much more positive.
Give yourself 5 mins to feel sorry for yourself, and then buck up.
Post # 5
i’d be upset…. i just hope yours is first! if not then i would not ‘share’ resources
Post # 6
I’d be really annoyed. And like a PP said, it’ll be really taxing on the family members who have to come to do weddings, buy two gifts, etc.. It’s just a lot, and it’s inconsiderate of her all around. Is there some particular reason that she chose the date she did?
Post # 7
I can understand why you’re upset, I think I would be too, but I guess there’s not really much you can do. Unless you could bring yours forward a little bit more?
Just make sure she knows that your focus will obviously be on your own wedding, I think it could be fun in some ways as andielovesj has suggested 🙂
Post # 8
I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be too. It’s one thing when it’s extended family or friends marrying close together but siblings is a totally different story. That’s a ton of pressure of your IL’s, especially if they’re going to be helping financially. Sure, you only get “one day” but it’s really not just one day. The weeks leading up to and after your wedding are still full of excitement and STRESS.
What “resources” is she looking to share? I would give a big ole’ FUCK NO to that. Tell her to do her own work.
One of my best friends had her sister get married about 3 weeks after her. She sucked it up and dealt with it but she wasn’t happy. She had to change quite a few aspects of her wedding because her parents were no longer able to help her like they had agreed to since now they had to help out her sister, too. It wasn’t ideal and if I had been in her situation, I wouldn’t have taken it nearly as well as she did. Then again I’m an only child and sharing is not my specialty.
Post # 9
@andielovesj: Friends and siblings are two totally different things. Having two children get married so close together puts a ton of stress on the parents and other family members who will be attending. There’s no way in hell either of our parents would have been able to deal with another wedding within weeks of ours.
Post # 10
I mean, yeah, I’d be a little miffed. Your wedding is a big deal not only for you, but also for your family. To try to fit two weddings within two weeks that will probably be taking place at the same location is rough. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this, and I don’t blame you for being upset.
Is there something you can do to make your day extra special and unique so you don’t feel like you’re being overshadowed?
Post # 11
@UpstateCait: I agree. One of my best friends and bridesmaids got married three weeks before I did. That was no big deal, and it was tons of fun. I can’t imagine, though, if my brother or even my own sister-in-law had been getting married so close to me. It’s just a lot to deal with in terms of family and planning.
Post # 11
I think your anger/annoyance is justified. My FI’s cousin also decided to get married two weeks after our wedding. Most of FI’s family lives far away and most of them already made it clear that they will not be traveling twice in such a short period of time. So, they probably won’t be attending her wedding.
Just focus on making your day the best it can be, and don’t feel forced to share resources. Is your wedding 1st? I hope it is!
Post # 12
I would be upset. My brother got engaged before us. And after he got engaged, my fiance (then, boyfriend) and I waited over a year to get engaged ourselves. Additionally, while they were planning their wedding, I was not even allowed to talk about ours. And we scheduled our wedding for over a year after theirs and we’re not having it in the same venue.
In general, I think its a faux pas to do what your FSIL is doing. I wouldn’t be super happy about it…
Post # 13
That would really annoy me, but I don’t know if there’s anything you can do/say. You can’t “claim dibs” (as much as we’d like to) on a wedding date +/- a few weeks/months. It sucks, but it is what it is. I think it’s inconsiderate on HER part. Hopefully your in laws will tell her how taxing that is on their family to have to weddings so close together.
Post # 14
I don’t understand why it would bother you. She’s your Fiance’s sister. Other than your Fiance’s family, there won’t be any overlap in the guest lists. Plus, it’s in your FI’s household (both weddings), so it’s not like his parents will have to travel for it.
You get one day. Let your FSIL know when your wedding is, when your honeymoon is, and she’ll either have her wedding two weeks before yours or a few weeks later. September is a VERY popular wedding month. PS: Just so you know, your wedding date is listed as July 31, 2010.
Post # 15
@UpstateCait: Friends and siblings are two totally different things. Having two children get married so close together puts a ton of stress on the parents and other family members who will be attending. There’s no way in hell either of our parents would have been able to deal with another wedding within weeks of ours
I see your point about the strain on the families. But I don’t think that is the OP’s problem. That is the parents problem. If they weren’t able to handle it, then they should approach OP’s FI’s sister and tell her they cannot manage the two weddings so close together.
And the strain really only affects them if they are really involved. Neither my, nor my fiances families were involved in our weddings, other then coming. So had my, or his sibling had a wedding, even the same week it woudln’t have really affected them, other then to have 2 fancy functions close together. But I can see if they were assigned a bunch of duties, or DIY projects, set up etc, that it could be very stressful.l But in that case the family should let the 2nd sibling know that they will only be able to contribute X, Y and not A, B and C because they have already committed to do L,M, N for the brother so that their time may be limited.
That to me is different then not wanting to share resources or the spotlight.
It will be crazy, it will be hectic, but the sister and her FI picked a day that works for them. And there is nothing wrong with that IMO.