She asked for the ring back. Now what?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would give it back (not that I think you are in the wrong AT ALL). Save the peace. Even if it can’t be saved, do you really want to go the next 30 years + fighting about a RING?? 

But that being said, I would say all bets are off. Your wedding is your wedding. Change everything else back that you want. Don’t let this woman steamroll anything else. No kids, no communion, nada. Consider yourself a little bit wiser. Walk softly, but carry a big stick. 


Post # 3
8675 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I wouldn’t give back the ring. It was your husband’s to give, and it is his. It was gifted to him as a family heirloom and now it is yours. But that’s just me.<br /><br />I’d also turn my wedding back the way I wanted it.

Post # 5
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

rachel85:  ugh, family drama.  I’d give the ring back to her and call her bluff.  Your FI needs to handle this, by telling her that while he was honoured to present you with the ring he is NOT going to if it means her behavior continues.  If she does not feel like she wants to attend the wedding, then that is her choice but she cannot throw tantrums to get her way at YOUR and HIS wedding.

I bet you dollars to donuts that when she sees him put his foot down and stand beside you (metaphorically) that she will back down.  But be prepared if she doesn’t that you two will need to present a united front towards her behavior.

Post # 6
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

rachel85:  I totally agree with PP. Give the ring back and do your wedding how you and your FI want. I understand the thought of giving it back hurts but like you said, keeping will cause hurt as well. 

If she wants to be a raging bitch and throw a tantrum over silly wedding details and is now trying to destroy her son’s wedding by turning his family against him then she isn’t respected enough to have a say in the wedding and frankly she’d be uninvited.

I wouldn’t want a ring attached to that, she can have it and she can sit at home with it alone when you get married.


ETA: So sorry you are going through this. I will never understand why some women would do such hurtful things to their children. I watched my future MIL spew her crazy all over FI’s brother’s relationship, then their marriage, until they got divorced.

Post # 7
692 posts
Busy bee

Hyperventilate:  I agree.

It was given to him and he gave it to you. It’s yours. It’s the ring he proposed with. If she can’t get over it, then she can stuff it. It’s not about the ring anyway. It’s a power struggle.

I know some lunatics and they tend to calm down and become more reasonable after some time passes, so she’ll probably end up going to the wedding and eventually pretend none of this happened.

Post # 8
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think there’s a lot of huffing and puffing and a lot of smoke blowing. Keep the ring if that is the decision you and your FI come to together (consequence she faced when she gave it away) and change any of the elements you don’t love about your wedding (consequence she faced when she was neither the party getting married nor the party paying for it). She’ll yell, and maybe disappear for a while, and probably say hurtful things. But if she gets her way with the wedding or the ring, you’re reinforcing bad behavior and will face the consequence of 30+ years of more of the same regarding any decision in which she wants a say. 

Post # 9
3826 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rachel85:   I agree with PP, give the ring back and consider yourself FREE to do exactly what you and your FI want in terms of the wedding.  Do it with great joy, no matter what her reaction is.  Let her stew in her own juice.



Post # 11
6953 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d give the ring back and have the wedding you want.

Post # 10
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would give the ring to his sister to give back to the mother so she doesn’t have a chance to start something. I would make sure she knows you’re hurt that she is acting that way.

And then I would absolutely reverse every uncomfortable compromise she made you make about your wedding. Have the wedding that your FI and you want; it sounds like all she did was use it as a front for controlling you guys anyways.

Post # 12
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I am so sorry! I am on the fence about whether you should give the ring back or not. However, I agree with PPs, change your wedding to what the two of you want not what she wants. Is she the one getting married or are you? Just remember that because it sounds like she is trying to turn it into her big day.

Post # 14
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Give the ring back and buy your own. You didn’t mention this in your post, but if your FMIL is contributing financially in any way to the wedding, then you need to put a stop to it and pay for the wedding you want. Otherwise, she continues to have an input – controlling or not.

Post # 15
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

PPs have said it best: return the ring quietly and remake your wedding into your ideal version of your wedding. This is a mixed blessing – you’ll get to pick your own ring (ask your FI to do something special so you can have a “charged with positive and untainted love energy” ring) and have the wedding that you guys really wanted. Also practice along with your if saying something like “Hello Sally, we’re sorry you’ve decided not to attend the wedding but we respect your choice not to.”

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