- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
My FI proposed to me with his great-grandmother’s ring. His mother wore it on a chain every day, just like her mom did before passing from Ovarian cancer in 2001. Since FI is the only boy of the family, she passed it to him to propose with when we decided to get married. He and I are perfect together. We complete each other. I cannot picture this kind of happiness with anyone else. But dealing with FMIL has been anything but blissful (as evidenced by my past posts) … every time we made a compromise, she asked for something more. The Catholic ceremony that neither of us were comfortable with to start with MUST have communion, his four older (married) sisters must be bridesmaids, our no-children-please wedding should include a squadron of flower girls in custom white dresses styled after whatever I pick out, the poem my MOH said she wants to write me me for the speech/champagne toast time need to be translated into Spanish in advance no matter what. It completely feels less like she’s worried about incorporating elements of his heritage into our wedding (the excuse FFIL offered) and more like she’s trying to find an excuse to boycott it because we all (ALL, me and him and my parents who are paying for the reception and her and her husband) argued about her wanting to invite 140 extra people on her own to our 100-guests-in-total wedding.
So I came home this evening to find FI in a rage, yelling at his mom over the phone. Apparently she called to make an announcement. She isn’t coming to the wedding, and she WANTS THE ENGAGEMENT RING BACK. She said it’s hers, it’s always belonged to the women in her family (it’s her grandmother’s ring), and if we “have chosen not to honor the family heritage” then we need to give it back. Apparently, the more they argued, the worse she acted, to the point where she now says she’s going to try and get his sisters and father to boycott the wedding also, including his closest sister (1 year apart in age) who he had asked to be his best (wo)man. “If [his] family isn’t important, then they will save him the trouble and just skip the whole thing,” she said.
Anyway, the ring. FI says it was legally his to give, and he gifted it to me, so I have every right to keep it if I want to. I honestly don’t know if the FMIL relationship is reparable one way or the other at this point. He says she doesn’t deserve it, it’s mine, and he’d rather throw it in the Bay than give it back. I don’t know if I want to start my marriage wearing something with so much hostility and animosity bound into it. I’m not a terribly sentimental person, but I believe the actual physical ring used in the proposal and wedding ceremony carry a great deal of emotional weight. FI offered to “bling it out” (it’s a very simple gold band with a small solitaire) for our dating anniversary and I about had a panic attack – I would NEVER “upgrade” it, restyle it, blingify-it, replace it for reasons of trendy fashion or getting a bigger ring, or do anything else to change what it fundamentally is: the physical representation of the promises he made to me, after we decided to bind our lives forever.
So the thought of ditching it hurts, but so does the thought of keeping it. And god only knows what kind of crazy she’ll cook up if I don’t return it. I always thought she liked me, she always seemed reasonable, but omg. Clearly she’s not afraid to slam her hand down on the “Destruct” button when she feels she’s been wronged. FI’s sister (the one who is best man) said she’s just freaking out because her youngest child getting married means she’s officially an old lady now, she’ll stop having tantrums as she gets more time to process those feelings.
I’m just … reeling. About the ring, about the argument, about all of it. What now?