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I'm super annoyed. My fiance's SISTER just mentioned in conversation today that she didn't think she and her husband could afford to come to our wedding. If they were unemployed, that would be one thing, but they are not. They make a reasonable amount of money, and more than his other sister, who is definitely coming.
Also, she brings this up at a store, where she's buying tons of toys and crap for her kid. As I said, their income is sufficient enough that they SHOULD be able to save up a few hundred bucks for gas and one night at a hotel. But instead, they buy random crap and say they can't come?
I'm saddened by the idea of immediate family not making an effort to attend the wedding. There really aren't any issues between my fiance and his sister. They've always gotten along quite well.
I'm sorry that you're upset. It stinks when people don't make an effort to come to a wedding. How does your FIs or in laws feel about this? I know my parents would NEVER stand for that. Perhaps you can mention it to your FI or in laws and they might just take care of it?
Oh believe me I mentioned it. :)
They are kinda in a tough spot because they feel like his sister is horrible with budgeting money and then always comes to them to bail her out. So....this looks like it's turning into another one of those situations. I think, when push comes to shove, if his parents think I'd be really upset about her not coming, they would pay for her to go. BUT they don't want to tell her that now, because they think she should be capable of saving up for it.
My fiance absolutely WILL NOT pay for her to go. He's lent her money before and gotten burned. On principle, he refuses to support her financially, because he thinks it feeds her irresponsibility. He loves her and they get along, but I guess his whole family has really had to draw "boundaries" with her as far as money is concerned.
Ah. I was just thinking that the in laws may just have a very stern lecture and tell her that not coming is really not an option and to get it together, but apparently that has already happened!
I would honestly just tell her that you're sorry she can't fit it in her budget and you'll miss seeing her and tell your FIL's that you do not want them paying her way. If after at this point in her life after having children, then bailing her out on everything is not going to fix it at this point. (I know this from personal experience with my own FSIL)
That sucks, but the truth is you never know the reality of anybody's financial situation from the outside. Maybe they really can't afford to go. Maybe toys for the kids are a higher priority for them than your wedding. Maybe there's some completely different issue. You really can't know what's going on in her head.
I'd be polite about it and let it go. If nothing else, you don't want to start a fight with a member of your future family. You're going to be part of that family for a long time. If your future sister-in-law is flaky or unreliable you'll probably be dealing with stuff like this a lot. I would start practicing now at letting it go.
I agree with frugal: while you may feel like you're observing financial frivolity, you don't know the whole story. Tons of toys or a "reasonable" salary don't account for the fact that you have no idea where that salary goes (mortgage, food, student loans, car payments, daycare for children, etc.) and the fact that toys cost nothing near the cost of travel and lodging for a family. I am sorry she is not making more of an effort in your opinion, but just try to be understanding. She will probably look back and regret not being there, regardless of if she can truly afford it or not, but you can't force her to see what you see.
I agree with the last 2 replies - while your wedding obviously means a lot to you, it may not be worth the expense for others, even if they are family.
This is just one of the risks you take when you plan a wedding out of town
Sigh. I understand how you feel. FI's SIL (yes, just the SIL) has already told us that she might not be able to come to our wedding because of some "training". Firstly, they live out of state anyway so either which way they will be flying to the wedding. So how is it any different to fly from GA to NY versus FL to NY?
She said she was coming to the bridal shower. Then I heard through FI who heard through his mom that she is no longer coming to the bridal shower. No one thought it might be appropriate to tell ME?
Whatever. I really could care less about her because she is about the most selfish person on this planet. She can go out and spend $200 on books in one trip but can't be bothered to come to our wedding. And yes other posters are absolutely right. Books are more important to her than family. Which is all fine and good because I stopped caring about her years ago.
For the record, her daughter/our goddaughter's first birthday is 3 weeks before our wedding and FI is flying down for her birthday. We just don't have the finances to fly both of us nor do I have any extra time off. So just because she is a shit to us does not mean we are a shit to her or her kids because of it.
Some days I can tell myself who cares? Other days it really bothers me because family is really important to us!
Some people just do not care about family and I'm sorry you are dealing with it as well!
Maybe they will send a really good present on their behalf?????
Sounds like a cop-out. Hey, if she doesn't want to come, you don't want her there, right?!
In my opinion, there are not a whole lot of good reasons to miss your brother getting married. She sounds relatively irresponsible with money, anyways, and is probably looking for a hand out.
I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters...In this case, she is IMMEDIATE family of the groom. If she can't make her brother's wedding a priority over other things, that's seriously wrong,regardless of her financial situation.
I'm sorry you're going through this but I do agree that no one should pay for her trip to the wedding other than her and her husband.
i have a retired aunt and uncle (with no kids, no mortgage, and are definitely not hurting in finances) that already told us that they won't be able to make it to our august wedding because they are going on a cruise in september. wth? not like i care, i feel like if they're going to act like that, then i don't think i want them at my wedding. however, my uncle had surgery for esophageal cancer a few months ago and we really wanted to see him again.
i say if she's going to act like that let her, your party will be better off without someone complaining about how expensive it was to go to your wedding. she'll realize that she's missing out when everyone else in the family talks about your wedding and how they're looking forward to it.
Oh man, that's not cool at all. Maybe there is something going on 'behind the scenes' that you guys don't know about? Either way, it was handled improperly. Hopefully she realizes she needs to be there. If she doesn't show, I imagine there will be a strain on their relationship.
Eh, she can learn the hard way about being irresponsible - if you're old enough to have children and be married, you're old enough to learn how to budget. She'll be the one that has to live with missing her own bro's wedding, and get the grief at the next few family gatherings. To me, it's better not to bail her out and just miss her at the wedding, if she truly does have the money but won't put a few dollars away to drive out of town.
I agree with others who said you can not pay her way nor can her family pay her way. I say wait and see what happens. If she does end up missing the wedding; Then decide if you want to hold onto hurt feelings or not. I say avoid the subject and give her the benefit of the dought for now. If she still decides not to make it; then I say you have a reason to be upset! Good Luck!
I should add, she is pretty close to her brother. She isn't close to me, but we get along fine, and she's given me a "neutral" rating, according to my other SIL to be, who is very close to me. I guess she's hated every other girl my fiance has dated, so "neutral" is pretty good.
As far as her money issues...my fiance did their taxes so he kinda knows what's going on. Like, for example, they are getting $5000 back in taxes this month. Hmmm plenty there for my wedding. Their income is roughly $55,000/year and they live in a two bedroom apartment. Both their cars are paid off. No one in the family really understands where the money goes, but we do know she is spendy. As in, Fendi handbags, manicures, getting her hair done, Tiffany jewelry, Starbucks a few times a week...etc.
Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprise if the whole reason she mentioned it to me this early was so I would get upset and tell her parents, and they would offer to pay now, so she would know she could spend the tax return on more crap she wants!
Sorry to hear about this! Hmm I agree that it's really though to judge a financial situation from the outside, and that she legitimately might not be able to afford it. Weddings can be pretty pricey, between appropriate attire for family members, travel costs, hotel costs, and a gift. That can be more than a few hundred. We ran into a similar situation with FI's brother. He & his family weren't going to be able to make it to the wedding, so FI bought his brother a ticket & he is staying with my family. Gotta take care of each other! Hopefully it works out, but also try to go easy on her -- your wedding is going to be beautiful & wonderful whether she's able to make it or not
55K/year for a family with a kid = not a lot.
Still, it's kind of f**ked for her to miss her own brother's wedding.
"Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprise if the whole reason she mentioned it to me this early was so I would get upset and tell her parents, and they would offer to pay now, so she would know she could spend the tax return on more crap she wants!"
I was just about to post this when I saw from your followup comments that you had already realized this on your own. If she has a history of expecting the family to bail her out financially and gets along well with you and your FI, then this is exactly what is going on. The fact that your future SIL is a leech is not great news, but it would be more stressful for you if she opposed the wedding. Let your FI's parents deal with her - they raised her and need to deal with her irresponsibility.
To be fair to her - $55 would be tough to raise a family on in NYC , and I would imagine it would be hard in Chicago too. I'm sure that there are parts of the country where it is much easier, but it is tough in urban areas.
Well, first of all I just want to say that I think it's unfair to 'decide' she makes enough money to afford to come to your wedding. Other bees have posted about the size of gifts they received not matching up to the income of the gifters, etc. and I just think it's awful to determine someone's disposable income in any situation. FI and I make VERY good money, but if we always spent what we made we would never save anything, so I would be upset if someone got mad at my $100 wedding gift b/c I 'make 6 figures'.
So if I were you, I'd tone it down about what she can/can't afford and approach this in regards to the real terrible faux pas which is the fact that it's her brother's wedding. And she's so ho-hum about it that she has the nerve to tell you this far in advance instead of trying to save up or asking for help. If I were you, I would express concern to her and FI's parents and say how awful you feel that she won't be there. It will work itself out, I'm sure.
Hrrmmm... wouldn't out it against her to actually come up with that solution. I know many people who milk their parents/family members like that b/c they know they can.
I'm going to side with the bees who believe she should be at the wedding. This is her BROTHER and if you say that they have a good relationship then she'd find a way to make it to the wedding. When people make it a priority to be there they'll find a way.
Even if it means that they have to stay at a cheap hotel and not get a wedding gift b/c that's what they can afford then so be it. I think beachbride would take her claims more seriously and cut her FSIL a lot more slack if FSIL wasn't blowing money living beyond her means.
There's nothing you can really do in this situation. It's just likely that your future in-laws are just going to foot the bill and the entire family will be at the wedding. Just be happy that you and FI can be more financially responsible and not be in the kind of position FSIL is in.
I totally think it's a ploy to get you to get her parents or someone to pay.
This same thing happened to us! My Sil and her family, said that they were going to come to our destination wedding and then 3 weeks before leaving, told MIL that they were too broke to go. Mind you, this was after they already bought their air tickets and their kids were going to be in our wedding party. But, they didn't want to spend extra money on the hotel and were telling MIL that they were going to eat the money spent on airfare. I could have understood if they were really having money troubles, but this information came to light after they had just bought a huge McMansion that same month! After MIL came to us in distress and making excuses for why they don't have the money, we paid for their flights in the end. In retrospect, I really think it was a ploy for us to paid for their trip since our in-laws didn't have money.
Well, close to one year after our wedding, SIL and family are living it up again, seems like the money issue had magically resolved itself!
I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this one. I can't imagine anything keeping me from my own brother's wedding.
I DON'T think it's unfair to "decide" if she makes enough money to afford my wedding. Finances are cold, hard facts. If you ever visit a financial planner, that person will look at your income, look at expenses, and look at what you want to buy, then they will tell you straight up, "you CAN afford this" or "you CAN'T afford this".
With their income, they CAN afford it. With their current lifestyle, they cannot. They're already tapping BOTH sides of their families for extra grocery money...etc. If they were unemployed, or really not spending ANY money on anything but necessities, that would be one thing. But if you're buying purses and toys for your kid, then crying to your parents for grocery money...that's another. It's called mooching.
Also, her parents (my FML AND FIL) are pretty wealthy. He is a very established Doctor. She's only been married for a year and a half and I think she just hasn't ever altered her lifestyle.
I totally agree with moderndaisy--it's not really for you to decide what they can and cannot afford, and $55k for a family of three isn't a lot, especially if they live in a city. I mean, those literally luxuries you say she has (and do you really know if her Fendi handbags are real and not $25 knockoffs? Or maybe she saved up for it so she'd have a classic bag that'd last a long time instead of one that wears out and has to be replaced every few months?) aren't all that expensive, necessarily, and perhaps those are the things that get her by in a daily life otherwise devoid of simple pleasures and pampering. Really, until you are part of their immediate family, you just don't know where their money is going, what's their priority, and what life is like for them and it's not your place to judge how much they can afford for anything. Yeah, finances are cold, hard facts, but have you reviewed all of their financial information?
But it's true that it is a huge problem that she's missing her brother's wedding, and things should be tackled from that angle. I don't see why it is such a problem if her parents pay for her to attend. Maybe she can afford to come to your wedding, and her parents' offer to pay should only swoop in as a last resort, but that last resort should exist. Unless she's some sort of monster, I'm sure she doesn't want to miss her brother's wedding and when the time comes will do her best to find a way to get there.
I agree that simply looking at finances is a tough call on whether people can/cannot make it, but from personal experience, there's a point at which you "know" they can afford it and "know" that they're taking advantage of people. Yes, it's upsetting that she would try to manipulate you and that she won't even bother to save up for her own brother's wedding, but also she has chosen, 5 months ahead of time no less, that she can't make it to said wedding. There is plenty of time to save up the money if you actually try and there are better ways to let somebody know. My FSIL does the same thing. She'll say something like "oh, we can't go out to dinner (a month from now!) for FFIL's birthday, because we dont' have enough to pay for all of the kids (none of whom are EVER invited)." All of which is bs, because the kids aren't allowed and FIL's always pick up the tab. She's really bad about that sort of thing even though she actually makes a fair amount of money. And she goes to salons, starbucks, etc even when her kids had subsidised lunches through their school.
Wow. The main thing, I think, is A) how upset will your mister be if she's not there, and B) how big of an atmosphere will you have at the wedding if your FILs feel they have to pay for her to come?
What I'm getting at here is the internal dynamics of your FILs. Let them work it out themselves - you don't want them feeling resentful against you, if they only bail her out for you, if you know what I mean?
She sounds horrible, but hey, who knows waht's goin on behind anyone else's closed doors! Good luck with it anyway!
I can speak from experience here, if he was your FI was to help his sis out he would definitely be enabling her...if she knows there are other ways to pay bills (ie borrowing money from her family) she will be irresponsible. Also keep in mind, that in her mind she may very well be broke. The more money you make the more you spend (ie tiffany's, Fendi, stuff for the kids and a lot of it may be on credit cards), especially if you aren't forced to be responsible. I would think if they made plenty of money and had kids, they wouldn't live in an apartment, they'd buy a home, so I assume, she thinks they are broke.
And yes, she probably mentioned it this early to see if someone would offer to pay for her to go. I am supposed to go to Chicago (from CA) for my brother's wedding in October, and I am still hoping we will have the money in time, so I have not told anyone we may not be able to go yet.
That is such crap! I live well below the poverty line, and I would NEVER miss my sibling's wedding! If she cut out the Starbucks every day, she could save $25 a week, that's $450 by September 18! That is enough to drive to Chicago and stay at Motel 6 for a night.
WOW that is bold of her to say that she won't be at your wedding. And mean. Whatever, I mean, do you really want her there is her morning latte means more to her than her brother's wedding!!!???
Yeah that totally sucks! I have found that when it comes to the wedding, money is always what makes things uncomfortable! For me it started when the some of the bridesmaids refused to contribute enough money for the shower (they don't know I know about it but when my sister and cousins are in the party too it wasn't exactly a secret), so that sucked and was disappointing that they are my best friends yet weren't willing to put forth the effort when I totally would if it was for one of their weddings. I think people just don't understand what weddings are like for the couple getting married. I totally understand why you feel hurt by it - hopefully she will get her act together without your FILs having to pay her way.
@hoosier- I think driving to Chicago is a lot cheaper than flying a family to a DW on the beach
i agree with hoosierbee!
I wanted to ask how far do they need to travel??!? that they need to save up? Road trip is not that expensive even if you had to drive from NY to LA!
My Sister in Law (my brother passed away) is saving money to come to my wedding and she lives in RUSSIA...yes that is half across the world and she said she would never miss it. Don't stress over it! Just let it be. I think if she does not show up she will regret later, one day, trust me!
Ugh, that's rotten in my opinion. Then again, my husband's cousins did the same thing (cousins that he is EXTREMELY close to- he stood up in their weddings) and I'm still pissed about it. Not enough to let it bother me but if it gets brought up I still feel the same disgust. The bottom line is that some people just don't value the weddings of anyone but themselves and act as if they were just invited to some party. I now give their "life events" the same priority that they gave our wedding. And I spent this past Sunday gardening instead of attending a boring first communion brunch for one of their kids who couldn't care less if we were there anyway. Petty? Maybe but that's just how I feel about it now.
UPDATE: my fiance confronted her and now she is going to "make an effort" to attend. We'll see what happens...
FH's brother is like that... and he's our bestman. At this point FH's parents are planning to pay for his airfair and hotel... We are just staying out of it--but I think it's crazy-- he's known for over a year it was a destination wedding and he was the BM and he couldn't save $25 a paycheck or something?!?!
Travel would be from Chicago to South Carolina. It's a long drive, but it IS driveable.
My parents, who always prefer road trips to flying, are driving from Chicago!
We also have a gazillion hotel points, so we could probably cover their hotel for one night. They'd have to pay gas and wedding gift then.
My aunts live across the country and they dont have alot of money either but when they found out that I was getting married, they started saving money to travel to the wedding, they cut back on Xmas gifts for their own kids and mini vacations too, if my brother or sister was getting married I would make sure I would come up with the money to go!
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