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I can certainly understand why you're disappointed - teenagers are a handful, especially if they're not your own! You are being selfish but it sounds like your feelings are valid and that you were really looking forward to an empty nest. Why can't her Mother pay for room and board?
ETA: Try to convince her that she'll miss out on so much of the college experience by staying at home!!!!
I know how you must be feeling. I acknowledge that. But... when you marry a person with kids it is a total package. Evidently your FI thought she was moving away too. Things happen. You just have to roll with it. Maybe after a semester or two she will want to live on/near campus. She is old enough to get a job and share an apartment if that is what she wants. And... she'll probably really want that when she starts wanting to hang out with her college friends and you and FI will not allow her to come in all hours of the night. Right? : )
I know it must be hard, but they are his kids- and like you said you knew about them before you got engaged. His kids are obviously very important to him, and even though it is not how you pictured you life together you have to be supportive. you don't want to start your marriage with him thinking you being selfish in regards to his kids- because if you put him in a position where he has to choose between you two it will get messy.
But, I really do think that once she starts classes she will want to move out. She will meet new friends and start a new life of her own. Let your FI enjoy the last time he will live with his daughter before she grows up and leaves. You two will have your whole lives together when she is gone.
I understand how you feel but this kind of hurts meand I can relate to your stepdaughter. Th My dad remarried when I was 17 and I could tell that my stepmother wanted me out. She once sent me numerous texts cussing me out and saying i'm ungrateful and that she's the best thing that has ever happened to my dad. I didn't even live with them full time I would visit them a couple times a week. I felt really unwelcome in what used to be my home. Needless to say I GOT OUT OF THERE but my relationship with my dad has never been the same and will never be. I would implore you to try to realize how hard it is to be a child of a broken family, even as a 17 yr old. I think that if you try to be nice to her your DH will love you all the more and your stepdaughter will show you the same respect. It's not that its YOUR fault, I'm really not trying to be mean.
@Secondtime: oooo that is a good point!
@Texas: No, it is not like that. I understand what you are saying. I do. We get along fine. I think she would rather not be at home either. I know when I was 17 I was GONE! I could not get away fast enough. I think the issue is that she and her MOM lied about the living situation. Her mom is constantly unsupportive of her and favors the other daughter heavily.
Yes, I knew about them before. When we began dating they never lived with us. It went from me and him kidless (he went to see them every weekend and more) to them living with us full time with No WARNING!. I have learned to grow with them in the paast 1 1/2 years. I have been having major brain farts, been overwhelmed with doing 100% DIY stuff and then this news didn't help. Thanks ladies! I feel better.
She needs to be punished in some way (like getting kicked out) for lying about getting a full ride and being able to move out. Why would it be so bad for her to take out loans? If her other option is no education at all, I'd rather get loans and be able to attend school. If there is something she can do in the meantime and continue to apply for scholarships, like go to community college for cheaper, then she should really look into that. Good luck...
Seriously? Who DOESN'T take out loans to make it through college? Why is this a bad idea!??!
Wait, I am confused....did the mom lie about the full ride or did the daughter? B/c if it was the mom then I am not sure why the daughter should be "punished"?
She needs to take out a loan. It doesn't need to be a lot, but how else is she going to pay for school? If she's staying at home, it won't be a lot.
She should also be encouraged to stay on campus her 1st year. That's where all your friendships are made, especially freshman year!
I hope everything gets worked out.
"I wanted to begin my marriage kids free."
You are marrying a man with kids. Your life will never be "kids free." You are becoming a step-mother, whether you like it or not. Pushing the kids away so you can have unlimited free time to spend with your SO will only isolate the kids and make them resent you.
I don't see the point in punishing the teen for not telling the truth by doing something extreme such as kicking her out. Maybe if you didn't push so hard for her to be leaving, she wouldn't have felt the need to lie. You mention that you're still paying off your school loans. As a to-be parent, don't you want your children (biological or not) to have a better life than you? If she can live at home and reduce the amount of loans she is taking out, that would make financial sense.
You are starting a new family, whether you all live together or not.
Edit: Regarding taking out loan money, at many public schools, the cost to live on campus is more than tuition and books. I get taking out money for educational expenses. I don't get taking out money for living expenses unless you have to.
yikes.
My FI's cousin lives with us and hopefully he will be leaving soon. I REFUSE to set a wedding date until he lets us know when he is leaving.
However, that is a cousin. With you it is harder because those are his CHILDREN. You and your FI should discuss what you are comfortable with living wise...such as rules and expectations so the kids don't think they can walk all over you. Being a step mom to teens would be so hard, you need to make sure that you and your FI are on the same page as far as what is expected from them. Things like them coming to live with you with no prior warning is not ok, you need time to prepare for things like that.
Believe me, in a semester or two, she will make friends and want outta your house. Just give it some time, most commuters I knew moved as soon as they found friends to live with.
He made a commitment to his child before he made a commitment to you. I'm sorry if he mislead you in anyway about what life would be like after the kids were grown but that's not how life works.
Remember what it was like when you were 17. Having your dad and stepmom kick you out would crush your self esteem as well as potentially send you on a path of self destruction. Drinking, drug use, unplanned pregnancy-these are all known to happen to girls who lack a strong, loving male role model in their lives.
When you decided you wanted to marry this guy with children, despite how old you thought they were, then you agreed to be in it for the long haul. The thing with children, or any marriage, is you have to work through the unexpected. Those are his children. I can assure you they will come before any woman. Just like I would never put any man before my son. I think you are being unreasonable.
@EvaBostonTerrier: 100 million percent AGREE!
Your life will never be "child-free" even if the daughter moved away to college. She would be home for vacations and if its only 30 min, she could pop back for random dinners/pick up things/ laundry.
A child should never feel unwanted in their home, regardless if you want a child-free start to your marriage. You knew what you were getting into by marrying a guy with kids.
In regards to her "lying" about the scholarship, maybe she didn't entirely realize that room and board is seperate from tuition and books? She is only 17 after all.
@KendallR10: You are lucky.. I don't know anybody in my personal or professional life who was able to get a degree without doing so. You really are blessed.
@KendallR10: I was fortunate enough to have scholarships get me through undergrad, but not that lucky when it came to medical school. So loans it is! I know of one person who isn't taking out any loans, and that's because they have a trust fund...
As someone not that much older than your step-daughter to be, right now you come off like the step mom from Parent trap.
You knew you FI had kids, I moved out for college but still consider my parents house "home", at least until I'm married. I bet your step-daughter just LOVES how she can tell you just want to get her out. And can you say, if you have a decent relationship with your parents that moving out meant your parents were suddenly "kid-less"? She is 17, not 27. She still needs her daddy. For you to just want him to yourself when he has a longer committment to his kids is ridiculous. And if she was going to college 30 minutes away, that is hardly moving out. She can and will be home some still. It is incredibly selfish to think that suddenly you must be the center of FI life when these kids whom I assume he loves, have been around longer. You get a different sort of love than his kids, but you still have to share.
@jumpthegun:I didn't have to take out loans to get a college degree and neither did many of my friends/family/coworkers. It's not because we have trust funds. It's because our parents made educating us a priority and a personal financial goal. It is their personal decision between parents and their children.
Granted, I feel gifted everyday because I graduated without any loans, but it shouldn't be a "given" that her stepdaughter needs to go into debt to get a college degree if her husband is willing to contribute to her education.
i'm sorry. i know it's a greater inconvenience to you, but this person is your soon-to-be husband's daughter after all. the reality is that shit happens and we just have to deal with it. though i definitely think your fiance's daughter should have been more up front you both about the real situation. did she offer any explanation or was it just an honest mistake in her interpretation of her package? regardless you should both help her come up with a plan. let her stay through the first year, but maybe encourage her to look into work-study or some other kind of job that would help pay for housing costs. maybe she can be a resident assistant or some kind of similar job that would provide her room & board in exchange for working. or help her research and apply for other grants or scholarships. i know it's an added stress that perhaps you had not envisioned, but its not the end of the world. these things have a way of working themselves out!
@CanAmBride: Even if they are willing to help, they may not necessarily be able. It almost sounds like you look down on those parents who weren't/aren't in the financial situation to pay for their kids to go through school. It isn't that they're bad parents or aren't making education a priority. We don't all start life like Monopoly with the same amount of money, on even footing. All good parents want their kids to succeed, but not all parents are able to financially back their child's education. Because I promise you that mine definitely made my education a priority, because had they not, I wouldn't be where I am now. So, while it's great that you realize how gifted you are that you didn't have to take loans, please try not to (unintentionally) disparage those who had to, due to their parents' financial situation.
I am so sorry but this is part of being a parent - dealing with issues like these. And you are agreeing to being a parent for the rest of your life. I think you are frustrated and I understand this but instead of trying to get rid of her you need to find ways to work it out.
I wish you the best on this and hope you find ways to not alienate his family. They are part of him. Do not make him choose.
@jumpthegun: It isn't that they're bad parents or aren't making education a priority. We don't all start life like Monopoly with the same amount of money, on even footing. All good parents want their kids to succeed, but not all parents are able to financially back their child's education.
ITA!
@jumpthegun: Did you seriously just advise her to kick her stepdaughter out?
OP, I'm sure the daughter's 4 years of college seems like a long time right now, but you are building a lifetime relationship right now. If you want her gone, trust me she will notice and realize what your feelings are, and her relationship with both you and her dad will suffer as a result. Of course her dad's feelings are hurt - you're basically telling him that you're upset his teenage daughter is still going to be around. Please don't try to stop him from being a good and supportive father.
@Wonderstruck: I advised her/them to punish the daughter in some way for lying, "like" getting kicked out. That may be what they decide as a family is the best course of action. It may not. I'm not saying to exile the girl and cut off all ties or anything crazy. But if it isn't made clear that deceiving people, ESPECIALLY your own family, is wrong, then she may continue to do it. I know people who've been "kicked out" by their parents and told to get jobs and pay their own rent and not expect to depend on their parents unless necessary. And they've turned out fine. Me, I was clawing to get out for college, not because my parents suck, but because I was tired of being babied and wanted to be independent.
And it just occurred to me that perhaps it comes across as me telling the OP to "get rid of" the daughter so she can have her man to herself, but in reality, I'm just thinking of the lying aspect and how, at her age, she CAN be on her own and NEEDS to be taught that lying isn't the way, and we have to work to earn back trust. That would be a huge problem if she feels like her dad is choosing his FI over her, and so it shouldn't be about this at all (and isn't, in my mind, as I totally didn't even realize she could take it like that until I read your full response). My problem is that she lied, and that needs to be handled somehow. Some parents prefer to go tough love and would kick her out and tell her to call if she's starving, here is first month's rent, now go find a job. Some kids need that. But to just hide all of this under the rug does not seem like the proper course of action to me. And of course, now I'm wondering WHY she lied, perhaps she could sense she wasn't wanted and was hoping she could figure a way out? There are so many things to address with this situation. There are going to be a lot of talks in this household, I'm guessing!
Oh Lord. The girl is 17 years old. You are acting as if she lied about killing someones dog, or stealing the neighbors car. She lied about her living situation, which could have been a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. Even if it wasn't, as a parent I hardly find that grounds to kick a child out of my home, especially my own, or my fiances. Shame, shame....
@jumpthegun: I guess I really didn't think it was clear whether or not the daughter lied. OP didn't point blank say that. I mean, that would be a strange thing to lie about. Are we sure that the bio mom didn't lie to her, or that she was just confused, or the terms of the scholarship changed, or she just decided to not board? OP< could we get some clairification on this?
@Wonderstruck: Rereading the post it sounded like the OP couldn't stand the mom (she said the daughter was a good girl overall) but then got caught up in the fact that marriage wasn't going to start off "kid-less". I for one would really like an update/clarification too
this is just horrible and selfish, the kids were there first as much as you want to be his first priority they are you are not. If you dont want to deal with the kids then dont marry him. You should not try to push his kids out of his life. Life is scary and hard enough at that age, knowing your dads new wife doest want you around is only going to make things harder for her. No one should ever come between a parent and their child
coming from a person who is not too much older than your soon to be daughter in law and who was in an almost identicle situation except my father is gay and it was his now life partner in your position and now as a mother of a little boy... sometimes shit happens. lets face it she is 17 years old and about to start a HUGE new step in her life, thats scary no matter how old you are. and also SHE IS 17! that means she is below the age for legal consent for ANY type of permissions or content documents and possibly that may be a factor as to why she could not live there. there may also be other terms that where promised from the school that just doesnt pan out like the dorms may be overbooked or overawarded scholarship funds sao she got less.
im sorry that you were not expecting her to be there but he made the commitment to her 17 years ago and sounds like he is not going to stop that or put her on a sideburner anytime soon. and i agree with your future husband that eather you suck it up and deal or find a way to get her out yourself. and it sounds like her mother is trying to help her get loans and its your FI that is saying no so if you dont like it the take it up with him and dont take it out on her. no one wants to start out life with owing someone a lot of money. weather you get along with his ex or not should have no effect on the interactions you have with his children.
Agree with jumpthegun on comment about parents and education.
@ OP, this is your fiance's child, which (yes, as previously stated) means that you will never have an empty nest. Even if she were to move away to college, she would be coming home during mid-semester, Thanksgiving, winter, spring, and summer breaks. Maybe you need to sit down and reflect whether or not you can really last in a marriage where the presence of your fiance's children is real and not temporary. So far, it sounds to me like you've just been "getting" through the past year and half with the idea that as long as you put up with it now, eventually his children will be gone. When I was facing problems with my significant other's family, my family reminded me that if you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. Could I really deal with that for the rest of my life? I think that's what you really need to ask yourself. Do you love your fiance enough to accept his children fully in your life? Any children you may have in the future will be their half-siblings. You will have family events, perhaps Thanksgiving, etc .. where they probably will come home, and he is going to walk them down the aisle when they get married (as well as probably chip in for their wedding expenses). In addition, when she graduates, chances are that she will probably be living with you guys for a while until she has a job and is steady on her feet.
As to not having sex because she is a wall away .. she is 17. If she does live on her college campus, she will be experiencing things like her roommate bringing hookups back to their room and having sex in front of her or kicking her out of the room. The people living next door to her will probably also have sex that she can hear. She's also old enough to know that you and her father are having sex, and she's just going to have to accept that. There's no reason for you to tiptoe around that issue because she's definitely old enough to deal with that (how else does she think she and her sister were created?).
I personally think that she should take out a loan. I didn't want to, but I had to, and it's the reality of life. Many people take out loans all the time, whether it's for undergrad, grad, law school, med school, PHD, etc ...and they pay them back. It's almost like a rite of passage. In addition, she has a 6 month period after she graduates from college where she does not need to start paying back the loan (a 6 month period to find employment). Having the loan will also help her build credit in the future. College is fun and all, but it's also the first step towards growing up. Most of the people I knew in college had loans, they worked on campus for extra money, and it motivated them to come out and get jobs so they could pay back their loans.
Have you and your fiance talked about perhaps moving out from the apartment and saving up for a house? If you are planning on raising a family of your own with him, you probably will need the extra space. Perhaps a compromise you can reach with him on the loans is that instead of getting a job to pay for her room and board, you can use the money from the job to start saving up for a move out of the apartment together with him (and with contribution from him of course). If she is staying at home with you guys, moving to a bigger place with give you all more space and perhaps less contact with each other. You should also agree to a set of rules that she must abide by while living at home (you guys probably don't want her coming home at all hours of the night/early morning, bringing home strangers, throwing parties in the home, etc ..., chores that she should help out with since she is going to be living at home ...). Chances are that after her first semester of living at home, she will want to move on campus because it will affect her social life. Good Luck!
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My soon to be step daughter overall is a good kid. I get along with her fine. It is her mother that is really driving me nutso. Custody issues, child support, threats and sh*t talking about me...My fiance's youngest daughter went back to live with her mother (too much drama and not enough space on weddingbee!). The oldest is still living with us.
Here is the thing. I knew he had kids when we began dating. They are older (17 and 14) so I knew that they would only be with us for a few years. I can handle that- most days. So the oldest tells me she got a full ride to college 30 minutes away. Tells me they are covering books and room and board and gave her so much in fact that she has money left over. Of course I am screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!" She honestly did work hard and deserves scholarships. I was also praising God because I would have a chance to have an empty nest! I could begin a new chapter in my life with just me, my man and God. I have not been out in over 2 years because I have been stuck babysitting his "untrustworthy" (his quote) kids. My fiance kept hyping up how we were going to have an empty nest.
I find out yesterday (70 something days before my wedding and less before she begins calsses)that not only did she not get a full ride, she will continue to live with us! I am pissed! Her mother wants her to get loans and my Fiance is not hearing it and smartly, the kid does not want loans. I know it seems selfish to want my man all to myself, but dag. I am so upset with the lack of communication, miscommunication and flat out lies from this woman. If she didn't get a full ride, just open up your mouth and say so. UGH! I know no one wants to feel unwanted but I miss my man and part of the reason I was so elated about an empty nest is that I can BE with him. I can't possibly have sex with my husband if she is sharing a wall in our apt. lol
He thinks I am being selfish and a jerk. I told him he should not have hyped up what was not reality. I wanted to begin my marriage kids free. Instead I am almost back to square one. My firned said if I really want her gone, I would get a job and pay for her room and board. Shitting me! I am still paying back my own school loans!