(Closed) She just not that into me…

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Am I just blowing this out of proportion, or is it alright for me to want more than co-existance?
    You should be fine with things the way they are. At least she still loves you. : (0 votes)
    You two are seeking different things, and that's not healthy for a relationship. : (99 votes)
    98 %
    You love her, right? Then stop worrying about yourself and just try to enjoy your life. : (1 votes)
    1 %
    I'm not seeing the problem here... : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    12569 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t have any advice for you, other than you should seek counseling together.  Neither of you seems particularly happy in your story, and that’s a big problem.  It seems like you’re trying to fix what’s wrong, but she’s not receptive to it, which makes me think she has already checked out of the relationship.  Her infidelity also plays into me thinking that she’s uninterested in this relationship.

    Were you ever head over heels in love with her?  Could you not imagine your life without her?  From how you say your relationship progressed, it seems to me like you got involved otu of obligation/responsibility/confusion, and not because this was the woman you couldn’t be without…

    Post # 4
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think the problem here is that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it sounds like she’s checked out at the moment. Would she be willing to go to couples counseling with you? I’m nto saying that’s going to save your marriage…what may come out is that she is done with the marriage, but at least you will both be moving toward something. You ask for advice on how to make her see you differently, but it sounds like the issue here is really hers.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Have you thought about or suggested couples counsling? Im sorry your going through this. its a tough situation. have you tried to talk to her and ask her whats going on? maybe she is fighting with herself over one thing or another and it just gets “taken out” on you?

    Every relationship goes through rough patches, and it does take both parties to want to make it better. its not a one way street. I hope everything gets better!!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1042 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I can understand how frustrating this probably is for you. Honestly, however, it seems like a with a little hard work, these difficulties could be fixed. It really seems like you guys are having trouble comunicating. From what you wrote, it seems like she shuts down, and that is making you feel as if she does not care.

    I think speaking to a counseler would be a really good idea here. You say you are out of ideas, and that is fine! Anyone would be. Sometimes it is hard to figure a way out of a rut, and that’s why it’s so good to have a third party come in and look at the situation.

    It seems like the issues with sex are connected with the other problems going on. If a woman (or man) does not feel securein a relationship, it is often hard to be comfortable with having sex with someone. Overtime, I can sure this can make you feel as if you love someone like a brother, even if in reality, you don’t.

    I think if you both are willing to commit to counseling and hardwork, you can make your way through this.

    Post # 7
    Member
    7610 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’m not going to suggest counselling.  Everyone deserves to have butterflies and no counsellor can create those for you.  I believe you will both be better off with other people.  It doesn’t matter how good things look on paper (you love her, you have a child together, you’re already married) if it’s not working in real life.  Break ups are horrible and difficult and upsetting, but living with a partner who is “just a friend” and feeling emmasculated for the rest of your life is worse.  Also, if she’s cheated on you before, who’s to say that she won’t do it again?  If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, do you really not expect her to ever have sex again for the rest of her life? Her silence during your conversation makes me suspect that she wants it to be over but can’t bring herself to say it (of course I could be wrong there and maybe she just needs time to think).

    I truly wish you the best of luck with everything.

    Post # 8
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think parenthood is particularly hard on women, and I suspect this is an aspect to her problem with you.  Regardless of whether you were too rough with the son or not… I’m guessing she feels at the end of her rope, and then the last thing she needs is to feel like she has to babysit you guys and make sure no one gets hurt.  Rather than argue with her about it and try to “win” your point, you should really LISTEN to her, and try to get at the root of her frustration.  Whenever you argue and try to prove she’s wrong, or write her long notes, you’re really saying to her, “Your feelings are not valid and I don’t care about them.”  Next time she says something to you like that, try just repeating back to her what her concern is.  Say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stress you out. Am I worrying you that he might get hurt?”  Just ask little question like that in order to allow her to clarify her feelings. Don’t tell her she’s wrong though!!! Even if you weren’t being too rough, her feelings are still valid!!!  You’re job is not to prove her wrong, but to give her a chance to talk about her feelings.

    I think if you could try to not invalidate her as much, the sex stuff might improve too.  Try your best to help out around the house and to take over some of the childcare for her.  It just sounds like she’s stressed and has a lot of resentment to you.  Remember, men who do housework get laid more!!!  I’m serious.  This is the best foreplay you can do, is just taking care of things without her having to ask you and becoming a parent that doesn’t worry her over the welfare of her son.

    Post # 10
    Member
    7908 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    @Juliepants:  I agree. You can’t create passion and romantic love with counseling or waiting. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it sounds like the ebst thing for both of you would be to end it. You both deserve someone you really love as a spouse, not a sibling, and someone who loves you back the same way.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @Juliepants:  +1

    I hate the idea of throwing in the towel, or how accepted divorce is, but everyone DOES deserve to be happy. 

    I would also suggest that you could try counseling first, but IF that doesn’t work, please don’t force yourself to be in a relationship where neither of you are in love with eachother, have passion for one another, and aren’t a “team” together.  I only feel that leads to fake lives and infidelity. That’s not the example of marriage you want to set for your son.

    Unfortunately, you can’t make yourself be in love with someone no matter how hard you want to sometimes. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I’m not sure if I can say divorce is the answer but separation may be—if that doesn’t make her realize that she wants to put in the work to save the relationship idk if anything will

     

    You’ll either miss each other and start to put more focus on the marriage or realize that you are better off apart

    Post # 13
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    A HUGE HUGE HUGE sign for me that maybe you should do something REAL drastic (counseling…leaving) is she looks at you as a brother. BROTHER. Think about that. What does that say about the way she views your relationship. That is super strange to me. Maybe SHE has a lot of issues to deal with. Insecurities, not happy with herself, some selfish problems she needs to work through. It just seems like there is previous baggage involved and it is bringing the relationship and you down. If you feel like you are a good husband, a good man and a good father…you deserve more. Maybe enough giving her chances? Maybe she feels she has all control and all the things you say mean nothing to her because A) you will never leave and B) the relationship is i her hands. Pack your bags…spend time away from her. You have a right to want a love filled relationship that leaves you going to bed and waking up feeling blessed. You also have a right to seek it and fight for it. If she is not showing any interest in making things better for the two of you and your child then maybe you should focus on your happiness for a little bit  and move on…

     

    Best of luck to you.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    It sounds to me like one or both of you could have some depression. For me when I’ve checked out it’s been that and feeling under appreciated and overwhelmed. You don’t say how old your son is but that first year is an adjustment as well as the first year of marriage. That first year for me was one of our worst years of marriage, my expectations were that we would be blissfully happy all the time( not real life at all). Throw in a little one ugh. I suggest what pp said about picking up slack as far as household chores, yes even the laundry is sexy lol! Also suggest a nightly ritual of a glass of wine after the kid goes to bed ( if) and just talk. If she’s not to tired from child care, work, house stuff maybe maybe you’ll get lucky. Lastly I want to let you know that when the kids were little the last thing I wanted was sex. My hubby took it as though I just didn’t love him, truth was I had been crawled on all day and just didn’t feel sexy myself. So I would suggest that it could also be that as it’s a very very common feeling in new moms and if we don’t communicate it to you, well then you come up with your own reasons why we just don’t want to. Counseling gets some of these things out. Also want to suggest you read men are from mars women are from Venus, as well as seven languages of love. They could really be helpful to you both! Good luck.

    Post # 15
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Sounds there there are a ton of issues you two need to work on, together AND separately.  It was only six months ago that you vowed to love and honor this woman for the rest of your life, and you two apparently have a small child together now as well.  Having a small child is the most difficult, stressful and emotional time of a woman’s life, especially one who has to work and deal with schoolwork and also the adjutment to being a new wife, and you are stating you don’t know why she is tired all the time and wants to sleep?  Let her sleep, it will improve her mood and ability to function and process stress, especially now!  Intimacy will come back once you have resolved your issues and your major stressors have settled down.  Also, trying to engage her in board games is fine, but maybe that sounds boring to her!  If she’s running around with work, child, and school having some downtime on games or fun websites is healthy and probably keeps her sane.  Why don’t you try playing an online game togehter if she likes that, or sitting next to her and looking through funny pictures together?  If she is concerned you are being too rough with your child and fears you can’t control your body, is there any basis for this, has your child had an accident because of rough housing?  Her divorce comment sounds like it came from a place of panic that you were not listening to her concerns about the safety of your child, and at a time when she had to be out the door to go to work.  Mothers of small children may be irrational in their protective nature, but as the father and husband your job is to put her fears at ease if possible, even if they seem overprotective to you.

     

    You need to go to see a professional to work on your communication and also your responsibilities in your relationship.  You say you don’t know what your role is or how to behave, and yet you feel badly you aren’t being treated as ‘the man’.  You may have taken on other roles and if you want to refine them now you will need to work hard to do that.  You also need to seek counselling for yourself.  Falling into a spiral of depression over a fight is not healthy, and this is a condition that is easily treatable and getting help for this is essential to your relationship, your ability to be a parent and your pesonal health.  Your wife also sounds like she has some type of issue of depression or detachment or stress that also needs to be addressed by a professional, and these fights and calling you ‘brother’ may be a cry for help.  You both seem very disconnected from each other, and trying to work through the issues on your own isn’t going to solve anything, it’s going to lead to more frustration and heartache. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    3832 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My advice would only be counselling.  You both need to sort out your feelings with a mediator.  

    Best of luck to you. 

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