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Pretending you made the guest list will only make them aware of their maybe yes, maybe no status. I think you've got to decide or pray it doesn't come up.
How many people are going to be at your wedding? If it's 500, it's hard not to include them. If it's smaller, you can tell them you're keeping the guest list small. AFter all, that's what Girl B did! I'm a huge proponent of not inviting people you don't want to. But then again, I had four guests. On the other hand, we didn't have any guest-stress either.
Hmmm that's a tough one. Are your numbers really tight so that just sucking it up and inviting Girl B for the sake of having Girl A wouldn't really be that big a deal? I think that, if it comes up tomorrow, definitely don't say anything one way or the other. If they ask you directly, ugh that would be annoying but you'll have to just come up with something about I don't know maybe space constraints at the venue and trying to figure out what the capacity is or something like that...maybe you're still working out your wedding budget? Basically don't commit to anything when you see them. I think, since you really do want Girl A there, she should get an invite, but you have an easy excuse with Girl B since she didn't invite you to her wedding. What could she possibly say to you if you don't invite her? She has no right to be upset about it if you didn't get an invite to her wedding.
What is the target number for your guest list?
Maybe looking at it practically will help. How much per person is it costing you? Sometimes it helps to put a price on it. Like if it is $50 per guest, and each has to bring a guest, thats $200 to invite them. Is it worth it?
I wouldn't worry too much about not being invited to Girl B's second wedding. Sometimes people don't think the fuss is necessary over a second wedding.
I think you could totally buy yourself some time by saying you haven't decided on the guest list, and you are unsure of how many friends you will be able to invite due to limited space at the venue, and your families would never forgive you if you didn't invite all the family members first.
I feel ya! I had a few people on my list like this and it was even more complex. I decided to invite them all in the end. I think not inviting them would have ended the friendships and I wasn't quite ready to do that.
It sounds like this is the case with you. Would it end the friendships if you didn't invite them? Are you ready to do that?
I'd tell them it's going to be a small, family-only wedding... even if that's not true. ;) You can always invite them later, saying, whaddaya know, we decided to make it bigger!
FI and I are paying for the entire thing ourselves, so we are trying to be as ruthless as possible (all those heads add up!!) Right now we are about 165. Those are the absolute essential people that he HAVE to invite. FI is not inviting some extended family and friends that he'd like to and I'm being very picky on what friends are attending.
I guess I just don't want to flippantly invite them because it's 'expected'. But, at the same time, we are "friends". There's no way I would invite one without the other. I'd rather invite neither than one.
I definitely know this will come up tomorrow (the last time we got together was before I got engaged - FI and I were talking about possible wedding dates at the time, and Girl B put the date in her blackberry saying something about not knowing if she'd be invited but wanting to keep the date free) - it wasn't even an official date and a whole year away!!!!
Edit: If I don't send them an invite - it won't be the end of friendship kind of thing that it might be with other friends. We aren't that close to warrant that kind of backlash (meaning, it wouldn't be THAT offensive). They haven't even met FI and we've been together for almost 4 years!
*bump* Sorry, feeling the clock tick on this and still can't make up my mind. Maybe I should toss a coin. ;)
I would wonder why you are having such trouble making up your mind... do you want to invite your friends, or your "friends"? Is it really expected? By whom? I think there is more to the story or more to your cutting of the guest list.
Unfortunately, it seems like these women are closer to each other than they are to you (or at least it comes across that way, with the whole "package deal" thing)... I mean one of them got married and didn't even tell you about it. Who are you worried about offending?
I say, be non-commital about it for now (as in, be vague). Your wedding is a year away. Who knows what will happen? When it gets closer to the time you'll send the invites, see if you have room for them.
I agree with the others, just give a non-commital answer like you haven't really started planning anything yet, or you were thinking of having only your families there or something like that.
Hopefully at least the one that had the small wedding will know better!
If you think they want to celebrate your marriage and happiness and are not totally irrelevant, AND you have the $ and space to accommodate them, then I think its a fine gesture to throw the ball in their court so to speak.
On the other hand, if you are uncomfortable with inviting them then don't. Just be prepared that they might not want to continue the relationship that you are currently have if they are hurt by being left out.
So, how did it work out with your friends this weekend? Were you able to deflect their questions?
UPDATE:
Thank you all SO much for your advice and input!
I'm not sure why I was being so indecisive and confused on the matter (I blame wedding-planning brain)!!!!
I was really stressing out leading up to it (if you couldn't tell) ;) - and was planning to go the non-committal route of trying to figure out how much family to invite, blah blah blah.
I remained non-committal and it wasn't a big deal.... UNTIL one (Girl B) started asking if she could go to a shower, even if she wasn't invited to the wedding (but I think it's because she's about to have a baby shower in a few weeks).... I think it was more of a "I really want to be invited to the wedding" type of thing - but, by this point, I had already made up my mind.
I think in all the 'should they be invited' thinking, I forgot the value of friends that you aren't able to see often, but can pick up right where you left off. While we may not be close in a day-to-day type relationship, there's something about big life events that made me realize that I want them BOTH there on my wedding day (or, at least, invited!).
I know our friendship would not change if I decided otherwise. And, I'm VERY GRATEFUL to all who chimed in with your support and words of wisdom.
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Bees! I can't make up my mind!!!! And, I'm hoping dialogue on this post will help me figure it out.
I've been out of college for *gulp* 13 years. There are two friends from college that I can't figure out if they should be on the official guest list (they made the list, but I've had question marks by their names the whole time).
There's one that I'd rather invite over the other, but they are a package deal (there is NO WAY I could invite one over the other).
I was roommates with both of them at varying times. The two of them were way closer friends throughout the years and kept continually in touch. I can't even remember how it happened, but I got back in touch with both of them (maybe at one of the gal's weddings) and probably for the last 5 years or so, we drive from our various homes and converge in a central meeting place about an hour away. We catch up for a couple hours and go our separate ways - without a whole lot of interaction between times (except an email or two from time to time). We meet up like this maybe 3 times a year.
I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out if I should invite them because:
*I don't consider these gals to be close friends/confidants. We share things, but I feel like there has always been a tad bit of underhanded snarkiness to them, which make me also a little self-conscious (like all they'll do is come and talk crap about the wedding).
*I was invited to one of the girl's wedding (we'll call her Girl A) 5 or so years ago (this is the one that I really would want to invite). Girl B was married about 8 years ago and I wasn't invited, nor was I in touch with her at the time, so it wasn't a big deal. She got divorced and remarried in January of this year, and didn't invite myself or Girl A, saying she was going to keep it small (Girl A was a BM in her 1st wedding).
*Part of my doesn't want to invite Girl B, since I got cut from her guest list!!
*I don't know if Girl A will understand not being invited - as even when Girl B was talking about her wedding saying "I wish we could invite everyone, but we are just keeping it small, etc." - Girl A was completely clueless, saying how much she couldn't wait for the wedding but might be out of town and was so bummed to miss it.
Anyway - I'm TOTALLY on the fence about this and flip-flop ALL the time. Part of this is sometimes I leave our lunch meetings feeling happy that we keep in touch. And other times I think - boy, I need to stop meeting (just too much snarkiness).
The decision making is heightened because I'm seeing them TOMORROW and they know I'm engaged and the topic WILL come up.... so, HELP!!! Do I included them? Pretend I haven't made up the guest list, to buy me more time?