Post # 1
I just had one of my (3) BMs on the phone last night to tell me that she can’t make it to my Hen night because she’s booked a holiday with her dad. This isn’t the first time she’s blown me off to do other things (“I can’t come dress shopping on that day we arranged 3 months in advance because there’s a party I want to go to”), and I’m just really feeling that my wedding isn’t even slightly important to her. I appreciate that it’s not as important to anyone else as it is to me, but I thought, you know, it would be a little bit important to my bridesmaids. Just a little bit.
The worst thing is, that she said “to make it up to me” that should would really make an effort to come to the cottage we’re staying at 2 days before the wedding to help out (I’m doing lots of things, like flowers and the cake, myself). I asked all the BMs last year if they would do this, and they all said yes, so it’s like she’s making it up to me by doing what I thought she was doing anyway. On the phone she kept saying how she’d arranged this holiday in Feb, and she wasn’t sure which came first (like it matters – if you arrange to do one thing, do ONE thing!) but I checked back on the emails and I arranged the date of the Hen Party on the 2nd of Feb, so it must have been before she booked the holiday.
I really feel like when a guy wants to dump you, but is too lame, so just misbehaves until you have to dump him. That’s what I feel like she’s doing. And I just feel that if nothing about my wedding is important enough to her to make time for, she can’t care about me that much, so is she really my friend? And do I want someone that isn’t my friend in the middle of all my wedding photos?
So should I just tell her not to bother? Or try explaining how I feel and see if it makes a difference to her? (I was pretty mellow on the phone because I was tired and had had a couple of glasses of wine, so I just kind of said it was ok) Or should I suck it up until the wedding, and just hope that I feel better about things later?
Post # 3
From your description of her current and past behavior, she has no respect for you or your friendship. Your bridesmaids should not include that type of people who cannot be bothered to be there for you when you need them. Kick her out of the wedding and write her off as a friend as well. Unfortunately not everyone is a true friend, and you had to learn this the hard way with her so move on with your life before the wedding rolls around.
While it is true that wedding planning is only important to the couple, that doesn’t give anyone the right or justification to completely blow you off when you do ask for help or participation with anything. This is especially true when they know full well what is going on when.
Post # 4
I think you should let her know. If she doesn’t respond appropriately just cut her out. You really realize who your real friend are during the wedding planning process. Just let her know how all of this is making you feel.
Post # 5
I learned who my true friends were from the start of my engagement up until now – meaning I kicked 2 girls out of my wedding party due to their lack of support and lack of care to anything unrelated to them – also because one was a pathological liar.
Post # 6
Has she always been a bit like this, or is it just since becoming your BM? If she’s always been like this, I would probably tell her how hurt you are that she is always putting you last. That this is an important time for you and she is an important person in your life and you really need her to pull her weight. On the other hand if this is new behaviour I would guess she is jealous and/or worried about how your friendship might change once you’re married. You can have the same conversation though, it just might be a matter of figuring out what her problem is. I almost lost a friend over my behaviour during her engagement – I regret my own actions but I also wish my friend had called me on it. It would have been a good wake up call for me, even if it hurt at the time.
If she is your BM she must be important to you. Are you willing to lose her friendship over this issue? Sometimes weddings teach you who your real friends are, but the emotions around them can also be intense and complicated and I’m not sure I’d end a friendship without being sure what the underlying cause is. Unless it was a friendship I wasn’t keen to continue. Good luck!
Post # 7
Mountainbride, those are really good points.
She has always been a bit ditsy, and has let me down on occasions in the past, so to some extent my expectations of her are bit unrealistic. I wondered for a while if it was partly jealousy – we were flatmates in college, and there were 3 of us, all in relationships. Now, me and the other girl are getting married, and my BM’s relationship broke down. I wondered if that was it, but she’s been in a new relationship for a few months now, and is really happy.
When she called me, I didn’t flip out because I’m now sort of expecting to be disappointed by her. I suppose what I’m wondering is am I as important to her as I thought I was? As she is to me? In which case, am I being a bit delusional in my friendship with her? You know how you can think that someone’s your friend, but in reality they’re really sort of tolerating you? We’ve got a wedding guest like that – no one really likes her, but she turns up to everything, so is sort of a friend by default. I’m always sort of worried that I’m that person, and no-one’s brave enough to tell me, so when my friend acts like this I’m tempted to let the friendship fall away rather than get hurt (I was bullied a lot by people who were supposed to be my friends at school).
I can’t call her tonight (we live in different cities) so I’m going to have to wait til tomorrow. I considered emailing, but it seems wrong. I guess I just don’t want to have a BM who doesn’t really want to be my BM!
Post # 8
UPDATE: So, I called her, to explain that actually I was pretty hurt by her behaviour, and I don’t think it’s helped things at all, if anything things are worse. I asked her if she was happy being a BM, and whether there were any problems with her that I’d missed, and she said of course she wanted to be a BM and what problems could possibly make her not want to?
Re the holiday/hen do, she keeps saying contradicting things, first she said she booked her holiday back in Feb, and couldn’t remember which was first, then she said she’d said ok to the hen do, then not heard anything for 4 months, so forgot about it, and booked the holiday. She generally sounded pretty pissed off that I’d called her about it, saying that she’d already said sorry. I tried to be really diplomatic, there wasn’t any shouting or accusations or anything, and so once I’d established she was happy to continue, I figured that was the end of it, really.
I’ve spoken to her a couple of times since, and it’s clear that things are not normal between us. So now I really don’t know – I no longer want to answer the phone when she calls, because I just feel it will be stressful.
I’m not really very happy about having her in the wedding anymore, but I don’t know if I’ll feel worse if I tell her not to come. Rock and a hard place.
Any advice welcome.
Post # 9
Oy, this is so tough. I think you have only two real choice: suck it up or sack her now. Despite its popularity as a poll choice, waiting for her to improve is a losing wager. She’s had tons of opportunities and has never come through, so it seems unrealistic to expect that to start now.
I would explore the pros and cons of the sucking it up versus sacking her now. If you suck it up you may have bad feelings on your wedding day but your friendship may improve (or return to where it was) in the future. If you sack her, it may mean the end of your friendship. It sounds like the more basic question you are trying to answer though is how much of a friendship you actually have and whether the effort required to keep is worth it to you. Good luck 🙂
Post # 10
If she was getting ultra defensive on the phone when you tried to explain to her how you felt, that should be a red flag to you. Bottom line, and you said it yourself, “I’m not really very happy about having her in the wedding anymore”.
It’s your day, not hers, and she is not being a good friend, much less a good bridesmaid. cut her out, and try to move on from the friendship.
Post # 11
The selfish bride in me is saying sack her now so you don’t regret having her in the pictures. But the logical/equitte part is saying you probably have to suck it up unless you really don’t want her as a friend anymore. Like you said, she’s always been ditsy so you shouldn’t expect her to pull though on anything except being there on your wedding day.
Post # 12
Yeah, you’re right that it really comes down to whether I want her as a friend anymore. I’ve ditched friends in the past who’ve become damaging, but, I don’t know, it seems really childish and petty to dump a friend over being a lacklustre BM…
I think that either way I’m going not feel as happy as I’d hoped about the whole BM thing, so it’s better to feel bad for doing the right thing (ie suck it up, and try and repair the friendship) rather than have me feel bad and someone else feel bad because I’ve done the selfish thing.
She’s promised one last thing, to be there for a couple of days before the wedding to help me set everything up, and if she pulls out of that one I’ll tell her not to bother coming at all – I guess that will be her last strike.
Hopefully it’ll work out ok – I had a friend who I thought I’d kind of drifted away from, and then I stayed with her for a few days to help out at her wedding, and we became much closer again, so maybe that will happen here. Fingers crossed!
Post # 13
UPDATE: I just saw a picture of the BM in question in her dress. (background – after failing to get them all together to choose a dress, I bought their dresses from a highstreet store, they tried them on in a different city, and had the option of veto if they hated them, but they all said they liked them, so we kept them. However, I never got to see them in the dresses)
It looks terrible, i mean, really bad. She’s tall and thin, and the dress makes her look about 2 sizes bigger than she is. I hate to say it, but it’s a classic awful BM dress (so much for my good taste!) So anyway, the reason this is important? She’s happy to wear it. She hasn’t once said she won’t, and just keeps saying how pretty it is, and how much she likes it. So, for this one act of uncomplainingly wearing a terrible dress that she didn’t even get to choose, all is forgiven. Yay for a return to a happy bridal party!
Post # 14
Yeah, but make sure she goes to adjust the dress to her figure…and I’m glad everything works out. I am always sorry when bridesmaids act like this. I’m a bridesmaid for my bestie and there are only two of us and we’ve been in her life since forever. I think it hurts more when people you’ve known that long start disappointing you.