Post # 1
Im a regular poster but im so ashamed of my feelings i had to post anonymously. It has to do with my SIL (husband’s sister) and how her being so perfect in every way maks me feel SO inadequate. I am generally a confident person but in this sitiaation i dont know how to be that way, eapecially when everyone is alwas praising SIL for her achievements ( she’s a doctor) , her perfect kids and not to mention how GORGEOUS she is. She has always been kind to me and i like her a lot but i feel so inadequate around her. Im just average looking and i have a normal 9-5 job. I also am having trouble TTC while she has two amazing kids at the age of 30 already. Im 35 and dont know if ill ever have kids.
More than anything, i feel so jealous of her model looks. And i feel my Mother-In-Law likes flaunting her daughter’s beauty in my face. But SIL is always so humble about it.
Please help me stop feeling this way!!!
Post # 3
Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself!!! I am sure you are beautiful, smart, and talented…you just don’t feel you have to flaunt it like her (or her mother). A quiet confidence can speak volumes over someone who has to put themselves out there, flaunting everything they have. I’m sure she admires things out of you too (maybe when her kids are crying and she feels she has absolutely no free time for herself, she looks at you and thinks “damn, I wish I had a regular job and the freedom to do what I want when I want it”). It is easy to forget how great you are, but try to make it a habit of noting one thing about yourself every day…no matter how small it is. As far as kids…they will come. Be positive. Celebrate your life—greatness isn’t always caught up in titles or seemly perfect outer appearances—and I’m sure your Darling Husband can tell you all the wonderful reasons he’s with you and why that makes him proud 🙂
Post # 4
@Greeneyyed: She sounds like a lovely person. And you know her looks are genetic and not her “fault” per se. If she’s kind to you that should be the quality you focus on.
I have a co-worker who’s confessed “envy” of me and her perception of my “perfect” life, looks, etc. One time she even rudely snapped at me because she saw me putting lip gloss on in my office. She said, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe it, like you’re not perfect and beautiful enough already.” She did the eye-roll and her tone was very sarcastic. It stung, I’ll admit. I’ve never been anything but nice to her.
If you let this eat at you, it will only cause harm to yourself and your relationship with your SIL. My advice is every time your thoughts begin to go down the road of envying her to tell yourself to stop it and realize how unbecoming and petty it is to you.
You have your own lovely, unique qualities, and you should focus on those instead. Your Mother-In-Law has every right to be proud of her daughter. The next time she praises her, why don’t you just agree with her?
Also, let me tell you this secret – no matter how “perfect” someone’s life appears to be, nobody on earth is immune from suffering or struggles. Try to get to know your SIL as a person, as a human being and a fellow woman, and maybe you’ll discover her to be as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. And maybe you’ll gain a very good friend as well.
Post # 5
Hey, remember, you Darling Husband picked YOU, not a clone of his sister. She may appear to be perfect, but there’s probably something about her you don’t know. And, remember, it’s her mom’s “job” to be proud of her.
Post # 6
I clicked to read, just to see if this was about me, lol.
OP: I definatley think you need to work on your own self esteem. Maybe by focusing more on being happy with yourself, you will care less about her.
Post # 7
Awww, I completely understand how you feel! There are some people you just sit and wonder like God I wonder what it likes to be you! But ease your thoughts by realizing that NOBODY has a perfect life!! She goes through hard times and probably doesnt feel as gorgeous and happy all the time. At the end of the day she’s human, with human feelings and emotions. So dont put her on a pedestal in your mind because she isnt any different from you!
If you feel like you are just average, do some things to your look to spice it up! Maybe a new hairstyle, a new lipstick, go shopping, you know? Anything it takes to make yourself feel gorgeous!! But it first starts from within 🙂
Post # 8
I’m in the opposite boat as you. Many times, my Mother-In-Law shows favortism towards me over my SIL (DH’s sister) and is eager to show me off and boast about my accomplishments while leaving SIL in the background. Mother-In-Law is always getting down on SIL about her weight, boyfriend, job…etc. I always feel so bad for SIL when her mother is doing this.
In reality, I’m often jealous of SIL. She lives in a big city, has a ton of close, fun friends. She’s a true free-spirit. She works to get enough money to support her lifestyle and do really fun things, but doesn’t worry much about the future (something that is constantly weighting on Darling Husband and me). Her boyfriend, though not a millionaire, loves her deeply and would do anything to make her happy. She’s beautiful and comfortable in her own skin. She is the life of the party and is always bringing joy to others. Her lifestyle may not be “brag worthy”, but it’s perfect for her.
I’ve told her this many times. Some may say “the grass is always greener”, but I say that we each have qualities and characteristics that make us special, and as long as we treat the people around us with love and respect, it doesn’t matter what our jobs are or how nice our houses are or that we’re a size 2, we should value what we have and not compare ourselves to others.
Post # 9
I can see where you’re coming from. I have a coworker who is a friend of mine. She’s really pretty, very skinny, everybody loves her, she can do no wrong! I’ve felt jealous at times, wishing people would treat me that way. However, she has some big health problems going on, and she’s dealt with her share of stressful situations. A lot of times, there are things going on that we don’t even see or know about.
I remember being jealous of my Future Sister-In-Law. She got to get married right away to FI’s brother, even though I had been with my now-FI longer than them. They got to start their lives quicker than us, and I was really jealous. However, the things she has dealt with in the past year…I would never wish on my worst enemy, let alone her.
Try to focus on the great things you do have going on. I know it is so hard, but once you start playing the comparison game, you can never win, no matter how many great things you have going on.
Post # 10
I cant tell you all how much better you have made me feel! It’s so nice to get a different perspective one this issue and i am truly grateful to you all. Keep ’em coming– i love reading your posts 🙂
Post # 11
@Greeneyyed: Just think, there are probably people who are very envious of you! Wouldn’t you want them to know you’re a very nice person inside, and just as insecure and childlike as all we humans are? No matter how someone appears from the outside, inside we’re all so much the same.
Also, think of this. She may have many other people hating on her and being envious. She may find it difficult to make and keep friends because of it. She may be lonely. You could help her by understanding and befriending her. She has pain, I promise you. She may feel isolated and stressed out. Think what a gift you could be in her life.
People misperceive me sometimes in my real life. They may think whatever about me – I have a perfect life, blah blah, but I am human just like they are, with the same weaknesses and faults everyone has. And if they give me a chance and get to know me as a person, they find that I’m not “stuck up” (as I’ve been accused of being), I’m just a private person. I never look down on anyone and if someone takes time to look beyond my surface and not judge me they find I’m a pretty nice person after all. I’m kind and warm and a loyal friend. You may find this is true of her as well.
And you may find she is equally as envious of you in some way, lol. I have a friend with perfect, long, gorgeous thick hair that I totally envied. I told her once I wished I had her hair, and she said, “Well, I’ve always been envious of you, too, I wish I had your tits!” Haha, it was too funny.
Just give her a chance and get to know her and your envy will go by the wayside.
Post # 12
@Greeneyyed: your sil sounds like a nice person, don’t taint that with those unwanted feelings. accept all that she has and be grateful that you and she have a great relationship. admire yourself for who you are. think about all that you have achieved and how strong you have become by achieving them. there are probably woman out there who are envious of you too.
Post # 13
Been there. My SIL is my age, but she’s gorgeous, has a good job, a great Christian (I’m Christian too, but not as…good? at it as she is), selfless, and totally humble. I envy her so much, because she’s such a great person. In the end, I had to decide that me envying her for being good wasn’t making me any better of a person myself, so I’ve tried to turn it into just looking up to her. And I’ve tried to remember that people aren’t always comparing us when we’re together, though I tend to feel like they are.
Post # 14
It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others, but DON’T DO IT. Seriously, it’s the worst, most pointless, thing you can do to yourself. Instead focus on your own accomplishments. Compare your current self to your past self and focus on how you can keep improving. Having “everything” comes with its own set of problems. I promise that your SIL has issues of her own no matter how it may seem.
I agree with PP – try looking up to her (or someone you admire) instead. There were a couple of girls in my grad program who expressed themselves so well and were good at everything they did. Instead of comparing myself to them, I paid attention to their attitude and actions and tried to learn from them.
Post # 16
I felt the same way about my sister though in a younger situation. She gradutated from HS and was a socialite… She had what I thought were better grades than me (turns out i was wrong we graduated with the same GPA) Is always doing something or other that is amazing… Oh and she has the model body… in fact she has modeled for a family friend. Well I happened to find her page on me in her high school scrapbook project. Turns out she does it all because she is trying to live up to me! When you let yourself dwell on things you can’t see how amazing you are! And prayer your way for a little one- don’t give up hope yet!