Post # 1
Do any of you lovely bees have any hints on encouraging my fiance to be more helpful?
Fair warning, I this is mostly just a rant to get everything off my chest…
My fiance and I got engaged a little over 3 weeks ago and are planning a wedding for the end of May 2014 because I start my medical internship in mid-June. I am really glad I can plan this while still in medical school (with relatively reasonable 60-70 hour work weeks!) instead of later, but I am starting to have some serious wedding stress. Despite helping my sister with hers and being in several others, I didn’t realize how much leg work there really is… Or how little time 7 months is, especially for stuff that I apparently should have had done MONTHS ago (the dress store said that my dress should be in by mid-late March, but it still will need to be hemmed, taken in, bustled, cups added… etc etc.)
To top it off, my fiance is being a lot less helpful than I predicted. I try to give him one thing at a time to do, but he doesn’t do it. It isn’t even “girly stuff” like flowers or invitations (that he says he doesn’t care about), it is things like asking his groomsmen to stand up, giving me 2-3 sentences to include on our website, having ask how the budget will work, planning honeymoon basics, etc. (FYI, of that list none are finished, he asked 2 groomsmen- one with me there pushing him to do it, but not all of them even know the wedding date yet!!). When I ask he why he just says “don’t worry, it will work out.” For maybe the third time in almost 6 years I raised my voice to him when he wouldn’t stop playing video games to go cake tasting. I spend what little free time I have preparing and planning, but often he has more “I just don’t like it” answers than helpful “I would prefer…” answers.
Any advice on how to inspire him to be more helpful? I don’t want to nag but I cannot do this alone (and have told him so!).
Post # 3
@Spartanbee: I’d love to help you out with this one but I couldn’t figure out how to do it with my husband either! He did ZERO. Look at it this way, it gives you the opportunity to do it your way. If he doesn’t want to put in the effort he can’t complain if something doesn’t go his way.
Post # 4
@Aquaria Glad to hear I’m not alone! I guess I get caught up in the whole planning process and wish he would too!! I just have to keep reminding myself that at the end of the day I’ll get to marry my best friend regardless of how the flowers look or the cake tastes (or if he dislikes the cake and flowers!) 🙂
Post # 5
I planned my wedding in 3 months, so you can DO THIS!! I would suggest picking the choices you like for things (all choices you can live with) and then asking him to pick A, B, or C. If he doesn’t want to pick, you decide. If he doesn’t like any of them, then either he is SOL or he finds 3 new choices to show you. Good luck and try to have fun!
Post # 6
@Spartanbee: First, you need to give him choices and set deadlines. Giving him choices is probably the best way. Some men just don’t like planning, even if it isn’t girly. He still has plently of time to pick his guys (it’s good he isn’t rushing) and he probably doesn’t think the website is that important at this point (and until you send out your invites, it really isn’t).
What I did (and it worked) was a few months out from the wedding I gave DH a list I found on The Knot of all the stuff left to do. He immediately got overwhelmed and saw how mcuh there was left to do and really picked up the pace.
Good luck. It isn’t easy getting opinions or help from your man, but you need to prioritize properly and give him choices.
Post # 7
@Spartanbee: I had a hard time getting my FI to help out too and I had about 5 months to plan my first wedding celebration. Finally he saw how stressed out I was and kicked in, but I wish he’d have done it sooner.
I agree with PPs that you should give him only 2 choices. “This” or “That” speak now or forever hold your peace kinda deal. If he doesn’t know or doesn’t like it but doesn’t want to do the work to figure out alternatives, he does not get a choice.
Write out everything you need to do by what deadilne and share it with him. My FI ended up crossing out a bunch of things that weren’t important to both of us, but knowing (in the back of his mind) how much work it was to even do the non-girly stuff (like pick a caterer) he realized he wasn’t being helpful.
Hugs and good luck!
Post # 8
@Spartanbee: if you figure this out let me know…I literally have to like corner FI to help me make decisions!
Post # 9
Thanks for all the advice! I will defnitely try the here are your choices option! I was afraid that it wouldn’t give him enough say, but it is a lot better than nothing 🙂 And I suppose as long as I am keeping his tastes in mind, the day will still reflect him as much as me.
Post # 10
@Spartanbee: Have you picked your venue? I would recommend choosing a venue that includes everything…ceremony space, cocktail hour, reception room, catering, linen’s, possible cake baker. We choose an all-inclusive venue, and while it doesn’t make it super easy, it’s a huge help in planning! Good luck fellow May 2014 bride!
Post # 11
@Meant2Bee: We have already picked the venues (reception hall- with cocktail hour, caterer, linens, china, and alcohol all included, plus some simple centerpieces that I don’t want to use but will in a pinch), but everything else is separate.
Fortunately we already have the ceremony site, cake maker, and photographer booked… Now we “just” need the florist (unless I DIY), DJ, and officiant before I can cross of “major” things. I know there will still be lots of smaller decisions, but once we get the venues I will (hopefully) feel a little more at ease.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
We did it in six months, and I found giving him set projects and deadlines helped “Hey, you need to figure out the tuxes by DATE.” We used google docs for everything- the budget, assignements/deadlines, addresses ad RSVPS, etc. It also helped that the spreadsheets allowed him to see how much more I was doing (I wasn’t working at the time, and wanted/had the time to do more, but it was still a lot.)
Some things DH just didn’t care about, like the cake, so with his okay, I just made those decisions myself. Made it a lot easier once we narrowed down what mattered to him.
And to make it easier on YOU, go with your gut. Once you’ve made your decisions, run with them- you don’t have time to question yourself.
Post # 13
@Spartanbee: Take a deep breath!
We will have been engaged for 7 months when our wedding rolls around, too.
I just got my dress in September, it’s not due in until January, and the wedding is in March. However, right now I’m happy about that because it gives me more time to work on my “bridal body” so I don’t feel locked into the extra 10 lbs I’m trying to lose 🙂
Also, I would say once the venue, photographer, and dress were taken care of, the rest seemed a lot less time sensitive. Not to say you will have all the options in the world, but florists are a lot more capable of handling several events than say, a photog.
As for my fi, he attended all of the vendor meetings and helped me in decision making/ reviewing contracts, but I wouldn’t say he has been proactive about his own tasks. So I assign him deadlines as up front as possible and try to be reasonable about it. “I need you to ask all your groomsmen by XX/XX so that we can have the wedding website updated with their info by XX/XX so it’s done when we mail the STD’s on XX/XX.” Then, I give him warnings about when the deadline is approaching. Kind warnings, not nagging ones. It seems to work although we still haven’t got groomsmen wear (his job) picked out LOL
Post # 14
Thanks for all support ladies! I tried giving my FI choices (A-D) and ask which he likes best and it seems to be working so far- woohoo! I am working on the deadlines/tasks… he now kids that he doesn’t have to do anything until tonight (the deadline), but as long I know he’ll procrastinate (which is definitely his personality), I’ll just set them a little earlier 😉
I feel a little less stressed now that I have heard back from some officiants and a great DJ group, AND I got told by a program director that I’d match into their residency (which is essentially saying- if I want it I’ll have a job- which I do!)