Post # 1
This is getting ridiculous, bees. I don’t know why I’m doing this.
I have the shortest temper when it comes to my SO. With everyone else, I’m the most easy going person in the world. If someone stepped on my foot, not only would I not get mad, but I would apologize for getting in their way. With my SO, he’ll do one little harmless thing I don’t agree with and I explode. I’ve never been like this before with anyone else.
I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, and she thinks it’s because I never got all of my anger out at the people who deserved it, like my ex-boyfriends who treated me like crap, so now I’m directing it at my SO. I just know that everytime I do it, I’m pushing him farther and farther away. I just want to know why my first reaction is anger and why it comes on so suddenly.
Here are a few factors that might be contributing to it:
-I really hate my job. It’s either mindnumbingly boring or incredibly stressful. I dread going in every morning, and I’m usually still stressed when I get home after work (The two times I see my SO).
-We just moved in together after being long distance for almost 8 months so we’re still getting used to each other. The majority of our tiffs involve him saying or doing something that I find insensitive, and instead of calmly and rationally talking to him about it, I explode.
-It started around the same time that I started my birth control. I’ve heard mood swings can be a side effect and it would make a lot of sense as to why I feel so hormonal all the time.
Has anyone else had this problem? It feels like I have PMS all the time.
Post # 3
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: Hi, I feel for you! When I am PMSing (like today) I fly off the handle like you would not believe at my SO. For the rest of the time I could be quite bad. We went to pre-marital councelling before we got married and I loved it. It really helped a lot.
Basically they taught us that if something upset us we have to think “Is it a pinch, or not?” meaning does it matter or not. Does it grate on me or can i deal with it? I think this whenever there is something that my Darling Husband does that pisses me off. Most of the time its something small that I know was an accident so I dont bring it up. If its something that was intentional and therefore he will do it again I tell him its a “pinch” for me. I always try to make it about me rather than him. So instead of saying “You should have done the dishes, for f**ks sake!”, I would say “It would really help me if you did the dishes if you see them pilling up, as it makes me feel like you don’t care about me when you dont help around the house”.
When I started this I felt like a huge idiot, but then it became usual practice for me and Darling Husband to talk about our pinches like this and now its normal and we dont blow up.
Lastly, if I have a “pinch” with Darling Husband I often dont bring it up until later in the day when its calm and im not actually pissed off about it anymore, and I really am just bringing it up to let him know id appreciate he wouldnt do it again.
Again ALLL this goes out the window when I am PMSing…
Best of luck!
Post # 4
Oh man, I can be the same, although maybe not as extreme. I’m not the most patient person in the world normally, but I definitely have a shorter fuse with Fiance. I think it’s pretty typical for people to hold back less with those we’re closer to. We “let our hair down” in positive and negative ways around friends and family. When I was throwing a temper tantrum once as a child, I remember my mom asking why I would treat her (someone I loved) that way, but would never dare do that to, say, one of my teachers. Our loved ones see us at our best and our worst.
I generally know when I’m going to Go Full Hulk and have worked to warn FI- telling him I need a minute to cool down. He hated it initally because he felt like I was ignoring or avoiding him by telling him I needed to walk away from a conversation, but now gets that it’s a helpful way for us to actually have a conversation that doesn’t turn into me freaking out.
That said, while I can be far less patient with Fiance than with others, I also have far more positive interactions overall with him than negative. Is your relationship mostly positive? Or are the negative interactions getting in the way of positive ones?
I definitely understand work stress; unfortunately the person you live with is going to be most directly affected by it. Do you have an outlet to let off steam? I know when I work out regularly I’m a much nicer person.
Birth control can affect people differently, and there are a lot of different pills out there. You should talk to your doctor about trying a different pill or even a different form of BC.
Post # 5
@Sea_bass: Hah, I like that rule! I also do something similar now by asking myself if whatever it is I want to say, is it worth the fallout, and if it will help me accomplish whatever it is I feel isn’t being taken care of.
Post # 6
You may want to speak with a counsellor or a therapist– therapy is not just for addressing deep emotional problems, but also for learning new communication and coping skills. It is very common for people to feel angry about work and other things that are, for all intents and purposes, out of their control, then to direct that anger at a loved one, because we know on some psychological level that our loved ones will always forgive us. So I can’t very well shout at my customers or my manager, but I will take it out on my fi because #1 he’s convenient #2 he will forgive me eventually and #3 it feels REALLY good to shout, even if it’s not at the right person.
You need to learn to identify your stressors and how to express your stress and anger in a way that is not harmful to your SO or your relationship. A few counseling sessions will teach you how to get the stress release you need without snapping at him, and also how to tell him about those things that HE does that add to your stress, but in a constructive and caring way.
Post # 7
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: Another reason might be because you subconsciously know that he’s going to stick around, so he’s the one person you can direct your rage at. If you did this to a friend they’d probably back off really quickly.
It’s good that you have become aware of this.. it’s the first step to fixing your problem. When you feel that anger coming on, maybe you need to leave the room or something. I’d also make sure you explain this to your SO so that he knows that you’re working on it.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but it will get better. It’s normal to have some issues adjusting to moving in. A friend of mine fought w. her bf for the first year they lived together… I thought that was a bit extreme, but they seem a bit better now. Also consider getting a new job or setting some goals so that you feel less trapped in your job.
Birth control could definitely be a factor, but that doesn’t really explain why you’re only exploding at your SO.
Best of luck to you – I think most of us go through some bouts with anger/depression etc. at some point in our lives. Just try to remember that your SO loves you and doesn’t deserve to be the target for your rage all the time.