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Personally, I think that sounds really nice...I don't see anything wrong with it. I think that would be a really personal touch to the ceremony.
My cousin sang a song to her husband during her catholic wedding. It was beautiful. I also have a friend who's husband played the guitar and sang to her during theirs. I say go for it.
Hardcore Catholic here. :-) I think it would be completely appropriate and beautiful for you to do this. I'm a lector, and my groom and I are doing the first and second readings at our wedding Mass.
I had a Catholic ceremony. So I understand how it would go. My first impression, is that it would look kind of strange to to be cantoring in your gown. It's just hard for me to picture. Besides, I think it could sound like one of those things that a bride thinks is a great idea, but when it actually comes to the day of your wedding, just adds to your stress. It was too momentous just to be at my wedding, and soak in everything that was going on. I can't imagine then having to be on cue, and perform. Does that also require your MOH ot follow you around and straighten out your dress more than usual? Ican realte in a Cathloic way, not a cantoring way. But I would probably vote to skip it.
But I wouldn't say that it's "tacky" or lacking etiquette. I'm not sure I would have any thoughts or reactions regarding the bride, other than it striking me as maybe a bit odd. But maybe if I knew the bride was a cantorer, I would understand. Also, if it really makes the mass more meaningful to you, that's what's really important. Have you asked your priest for an opinion?
Much as I would want to, I wouldn't do it, even though you can sing and you have cantored before (I am a singer too, although not a cantor, and I know how awesome it is to sing in public. I am also Catholic and had a Catholic wedding.). I am sure cantoring makes you feel close to God, but I am doubly sure that getting married is even better in that department. I would want to concentrate on being a bride and not have my attention diverted by having to cantor. You will get other chances to cantor, but (hopefully) no other chances to be a bride. As Tanya said, it's rather overwhelming to be getting married, and you might regret giving yourself that added burden when push comes to shove.
Also, from a guest's point of view, I would feel like it was breaking the symbolism of bride-and-groom-united to have the bride getting up and leaving her groom twice to go run the service. I would want to keep my focus on your unity as a couple and not on what a great singer you are. When the marrying couple participate in the ceremony, usually it is together, like to hand out communion. Or for the person who mentioned doing the readings, both her and her husband were each doing one, whereas it doesn't sound like your husband would have a corrolating part to play.....I am uncertain on how big a deal this is, and much more certain on your day being very overwhelming with emotion!
I think the blunt reactions from your mom, MOH, and other friends have some credence to them, and they have nothing to do with your qualifications for the job, just the appropriateness of doing it at your own wedding. I think if they are reacting this way, it's safe to say that other people in your life are going to react this way too. How do you feel about that?
I am a trained soprano and I want to sing in my wedding. Definitely a neat idea!
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What does your FI say about the idea? I think if you want to do it you should, but also keep in mind what some of the others say, do you want the added stress? would it take away from you the unity of the ceremony (for you and your future husband, not the guests)? How does the Priest feel about it?
Good luck!
I'll be honest, this is a part of my personality that my mother, MOH and friends would not really understand. So I didn't expect them to understand.
No, my husband would not have a correlating part, although he does not seem concerned about that and as long as he doesn't mind, I guess I'm not worried about that.
For me, as a lapsed Catholic, the only time I have felt connected to the mass is through song. So the idea of not participating makes me feel less connected to the mass as a whole.
I am concerned, but only slightly, as to how it will look. I did not consider that it would make us separate, although again I don't think I have put as much symbolism on my wedding as others have. We already live together, and I have yet to feel that emotionally anything will change. For me, its more of a ceremony for my friends and family, than the start of our lives together. Our lives started 5 years ago when we met. So I don't honestly fear having any emotional issues on the day of. But if that were the case, I would not print the information in the programs and I would just alert my music director that I will not be singing and she will do it instead. So there is a back-up plan.
I feel that this is a way for me to create a sense memory to remember this day. Emotionally, this is how I would connect to ceremony.
In terms of my dress, I am considering bustling it for the entire day anyway, which would negate the entire issue with the train, and if not, I don't see this being any more complicated than when we bring flowers to Mary. My train isn't very long, and since I will be facing the congregation I would not need to have her straighten it until I come back to front of the altar.
Just my thoughts on what you all said... I haven't decided yet, I'm just trying to feel out what is the right path for me. I do feel that those with the most drastic opposition are not singers (or soloists) themselves. It is a heady feeling to sing solo, and many would find that daunting and nerve-wracking in itself. As I did it every Sunday (sometimes twice) for 10 years, it doesn't phase me. I've sung in front of family and large congregations before. I know this is my wedding... but on a day where I want to be emotionally connected to the ceremony, I don't want to feel like it is just another mass, with a few hoops to jump through and poofy dress.
If you want to sing but don't want a solo, what about having a congregational singing? That way you can feel connected to the religious aspect of the service without putting yourself in the spotlight.
I really like the idea of you singing but don't love how your husband would just have to hang out by himself. Do you have to go over to the cantor stand or could you just sing from your spot on the altar? I think that would be very lovely.
(Speaking as someone who is neither a public singer nor a Catholic but as one who enjoys and appreciates singing and has attended many, many masses as a part of her middle school education.)
Personally, I think that it would really disrupt the flow of the service. I think it would feel a little choppy.
I also think you might enjoy spending that time with your husband. One of my favorite things from the last full-Mass wedding I went to was during the solo, when the bride leaned over and put her head on the groom's shoulders. Even from the back of the church, it was so apparent how happy they were and what a nice break it was for them.
You're right; I'm going to say you should do what you think is best. ;) But I would probably not do it, just because you're already going to have a lot going on leading up to the wedding and personally I wouldn't want the extra stress in the final analysis. But if you know you can handle it and it won't be an issue, I think it sounds like a lovely idea. It's what you *do*! (sort of.) 
As a guest, I would probably see this as the bride trying to get as much spotlight as possible. Plus, when would you have time to warm up with everything going on? I'd say just sit back and enjoy it.
I agree with chelseamorning
I am Catholic also and while I don't think it will disrupt the "flow" as SOMEONE is going to be getting up to sing, I just think it would be.... too much. As a guest, I would sit there and think "awkwardddd". Also, my favorite part of a wedding mass i the bride and groom together throughout the entirety. So, my vote is no yet do what your heart tells you to do.
I think that you should do it. A wedding is a sort of performance and you actually have talent! That's wonderful!!! I'm Catholic and I think it's fantastic. You could just do one or the other though.
Please don't do it. I'm catholic. I am a cantor. I also have a professional background in opera and musical theater.
Just don't go there. This isn't a show, this is a wedding. I understand where you are coming from, but do you really want this to be an excuse for people to roll their eyes at you?
Also, this wedding is about the marriage, about BOTH of you. The second you start singing at mass, it turns the whole thing into entirely being about the bride.
Additionally, I'm guessing you will probably have friends that sing there as well... what will their reaction be? What about voice teachers/coaches etc?
You wil already have a lovely dress on and a veil... I say don't push it!! :-) You have enough times to sing for friends and family, this is your one chance to be the bride and NOT the cantor!!!
I think fabulously made a point, I was thinking, about it not being a show.
@lisalulu, I do think a lot of weddings are like shows, but not Catholic weddings.
I'm not sure that Miss Mac is doing it to be showy, as she's said that cantoring is how she feels connected at mass.
I can understand the perspective that Johnsbride09 brought up about how a guest would react. I think in the end, that will decide it for me.
Honestly, I think most of Catholicism is a performance, and I have always seen the masses I have sung as a mini-performance. The wedding mass is even more so, given all the stage direction that seems to occur. But I don't want to be performing. For me, this is the one are where I won't feel like I'm performing.
I realized last night that I think the reason I wanted to do this was that it was the one area where I will feel completely comfortable during the ceremony. That is my comfort zone. So for me, it was an obvious direction to go in. I have never needed to warm up beforehand, so I knew that wouldn't be a problem. None of my friends sing, and my coach is the person who suggested I should sing in the first place. In essence, this is a part of me I don't share anywhere but in my church. My mother said at the beginning of all this that she wished I could sing, but when the decision came I think she thought as a guest instead. I see that perspective and I think I will not do it... if only cause the dress and veil thing will look ridiculous.
I guess I just don't feel connected with the rest of it, as neither me nor my fiance are very religious, and this ceremony is expected by our families. This was an area for me to connect with what I love about that church and that space. I think I was coming off a weekend of wedding showers where I felt like a deer in the headlights, not comfortable with the spectacle and I was reaching out for the one thing I know I am capable of and comfortable doing.
I'll allow my music director to carry the music herself. I cannot bear to break the traditional expectations of my guests. Everyone seems to expect the same things at a wedding, and we are expected to perform accordingly. No matter how much of yourself you try to bring to it, there is always someone who will be concerned with how different it is from the "norm". I thank you all for your input.
Re: Showiness
I agree that Miss Mac isn't thinking of this to be "showy" but I think regardless, this is how it will come off. If there are any non-Catholics at the mass, they may not realize how the ceremony "goes" so they may think it is a little showiness.
I also think this might be a good time to listen to your mom and MOH and other friends. They will be honest with you by giving a perspective as a "guest". I just think its a little over the top.
Now, I'm not Catholic, but I do know a Protestant couple who led a congregational praise song or two (or hymn, I'm not sure which) together with an accompanying band during their ceremony. It was really a part of who they are and something that drew them together, so it was a natural part of their ceremony.
I don't think it would be showy. But it is indeed untraditional. That doesn't mean bad.
Miss Mac-
I really think you are making the right decision in not singing. I can see why you would want to, but people are dumb sometimes and would not understand why the bride had to "show off" even if that is not your intention.
I also think, that when the day comes, you will be relieved that you don't have to get up and sing on your wedding day. If you are going to feel like a deer caught in the headlights then, don't add something else to the mix.
Perhaps you can find another time to sing something for everyone?
While I'm with fabulously on this one, I could see how you would find it hard to resist. I am resisting reading any of my poetry at my wedding to avoid making it a personal show ... or I hate to say it, just plain showing off. eeek :/
Hi Miss Mac,
Hope you're feeling ok with the decision. You sounded a bit melancholy about it in your last post - there are so many things to consider when planning a wedding and so many little compromises, but remember that your day will ultimately be special and amazing.
One of my friends sang at her wedding. While it was pretty, in a strange way it was almost awkward because it felt like such an intensely personal moment between the bride and groom. As a guest you almost felt like you should avert your eyes and give them a bit of privacy.
Hi. I hope I'm not repeating anything said above but I think you made the right decision in deciding not to sing at your own wedding. Although your intentions in wanting to may be completely justified, I think it would be awkward for the bride to sing solo for all of the guests. This reminds me of a wedding I was in back in 2006. The bride's parents (who have fantastic voices) sang a duet during the ceremony and although the song was beautiful and very well sung, I could see that the reaction of the guests wasn't the greatest. A LOT of guests commented on how it it was completely weird for the bride's parents to sing to the guests as the whole point of a wedding is for the guests to honor the bride and groom and their and families, not the other way around. I personally don't know if I agree with that, but even aside from the multitude of not-so-positive comments I overheard, even I felt awkward watching the bride's parents sing at the bride's wedding. So I would imagine that I'd feel even more awkward if the bride herself did it. And I should add that although I knew the parents really well and knew they definitely weren't doing it to show-off their great voices, a part of me still felt like it was completely unnecessary and definitely appeared the the guests as if they were putting the spotlight on themselves.
Miss Mac,
I'm sorry you don't feel connected to mass, other than by singing. You said that much of the Catholic mass is a performance. But I think that you are confusing performance with ritual. I can see how you'd think it, but really a performance is done for the purpose of entertaining. With the performers probably taking credit in a job well done. Catholic mass isn't about entertaining. It's about worship and fulfilling Catholic obligation. And hopefully those who have the talent to sing during mass, are giving that credit and thanks to God.
I hope somewhere before your ceremony, or if not, after, you find the value in all the preparation you've made to have a Catholic ceremony. I know you said you and your Fi aren't very religious, but I sense that you want to connect better to the mass? religion? Catholicism? I think if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have bothered to cantor. (Maybe I'm wrong?) If you haven't mentioned this to a priest, maybe the one who's marrying you, it might be a great place to start talking about what Catholicism means to you, questions you have, problems with teachings. You might find the priest has some answers or insight that make good sense.
God Bless.
At first when reading the responses, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of agreed with the other bees that you shouldn't sing. But, then I really thought about it and tried to put myself in your shoes (because I'm not a singer at all, even though I wish I could be because I'm very passionate about music.) This is what I came up with: I disagree with the bees that say you will look "showey." First of all...i would hope that the guests you chose to be at your wedding know you well enough that they wouldn't think you were being a "show off." Rather, singing is YOU and who YOU are, and is something you enjoy. Secondly, isn't the point of a wedding to kind of "show off" a little? I mean, why else would we walk down this loooong isle, with everyone standing, wearing the best dress we will ever wear in our lives and want everyone to think we look stunning? Why would we pay a sometimes ridiculous amount of money on invitations, food, drinks, bands, flowers, decor, etc. if we weren't trying to "show off" a little....even though it may be subconsiously showing off. (I'd like to think we at least think we are doing this for ourselves, and not other people.) The truth is, if we were truly not trying show off, then we would get married in a small courtyard with our parents and siblings and 4 closest friends, and only spend about 1,000 dollars on a lunch that celebrates our love.
I don't think that your desire to sing at your wedding is showy whatsoever. When it comes down to it, your fiance would probably love to hear you sing, and so would your family, and most importantly, so would you. I can tell that in your previous responses you really wanted to do this because you were sort of defending all the reasons why other bees were saying you shouldn't do it. i am not catholic, but am religious, and have attended all types of weddings (including catholic.) Music is something that definitely brings people closer to God (some more than others) and if that person is you, then I say you should absolutely sing at your wedding. The wedding is about you and your husband uniting yes, but if not for God, you wouldn't be standing at that altar. There is no reason your husband can't stand alone while you have your moment connecting with God. He would be proud, not feeling awkward because you were a few feet away for a few minutes. I'm not sure about the logistics of your singing, but if there was any way to make the transitions a little smoother, that would be best (can your husband walk with you forward until you have to step over? If he helps you over, it will look like he is apart of it more! I just think that if it is a defining moment in a mass for you, then you should be able to remember it as something you did during your own wedding. Bride's Day, Bride's way!!! Go with what your heart tells you, not what we bees, or your wedding guests think...and your MOH and mother will support you no matter what, especially if you tell them you want to do this more than anything. Good Luck!!!
I'm also a singer..sung for 30 years. I can say that while I'm accomplished I don't want to worry with the hassle of doing it that day and I always put pressure on myself to do a perfect job (I've sung at numerous weddings of my friends and relatives btw) and there might be a little more nerves there than I'd like..thus being said, I will NOT sing at my own wedding. Plus I think it would be a bit weird for the guests. I personally have not seen this happen before and many of my gf's back home also sing but they didn't do that either.
Now at the reception if we have a band and I want to sing a few verses of an 80s Bon Jovi song???THAT is a different story! I would belt out a few bars of "Livin' On a Prayer" in an instant!!!
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I was a cantor for my parish in Chicago for 10 years (until a year ago), and my former music director will be playing the music for my wedding. While picking ceremony music, she mentioned that I could sing the psalm and the communion hymn. I would secretly love to do this, as I love to sing and participate in the mass in this way, and have not sung with my director since I stopped cantoring. But I have gotten some pretty blunt opinions from my mother, MOH, and other friends that I have even mentioned this too.
During the mass itself, what would happen is that after the first reading, I would leave the altar, step over to the cantor stand, sing the psalm and verses, then step back to the altar for the second reading. For communion, I would take communion with my new husband, then step over to the cantor stand and sing the communion hymn as others come forward for communion. I have cantored many many times... although never in a dress and veil.
I know that many will say that I should do what I feel is right (and I probably will), but I want to know your opinon. Would it be tacky or lacking in etiquette to do so? It isn't quite the same as singing to my fiance/husband, since it will be songs that are part of the mass. But it is my way of participating in the mass and where I feel most connected with God.
What would your reaction be? For Catholics especially, your reaction? What would you think of the bride? Would it be a welcome surprise?
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