Post # 1
Both my nephew and niece are getting married this year. They both have said no one under age 14 are invited. So this means that all the first cousins are invited except for my kids who are 12, 8, 7 and 4 who are quite well behaved. Most of the other cousins to my nephew -he isn’t even that close to (nor to his uncles and aunts). His fiance is paying for the wedding (my cheapskate brother won’t help out). But I thought I was close to this side of the family (example: he worked with my husband, both he and his fiance have visited us at the shore at a vacation house to be treated to a lobster dinner, plus his mother-my sis in law-helped me out with my kids when I had breast cancer etc.) To top it off, my sister-in-law told me that their original age cut off was 16 but her sisters daughter is 15 so she fought for her to be able to attend. But when I brought this up to her about my kids, she just said “oh well- it’s their wedding, we aren’t paying for it”. I am so hurt and offended by this omission of my kids. I cannot sit at these receptions and look at all my nephews and nieces and there significant others and know that my kids aren’t there. I already know my sister and her boyfriend and her 2 kids (one is married) will not be going to either because they live so far away (there’s 5 extra people right there invited but not going) . My original idea was to dress up my kids and just go to the ceremony and leave before the reception. But now I’m thinking of not going at all. Am I just making a statement by not going? What should I do?
Post # 3
This is a classic case of having kids at the wedding vs. no kids. It more than likely has nothing to do with your specific three kids. The cutoff at 14 is more than likely to cut off everyone and their mother bringing their children to the wedding. So cutting it off at an age is appropriate, and it won’t look like the bride and groom are playing favorites by letting your 3 kids come, but Johnny and Jane’s and Bob and Martha’s 10 combined kids can’t come.
I did this at my wedding. It was an adult only reception. Anyone under 18 was not invited. I had a fairly large wedding, but my family is huge. If we invited all the kids, we would have another 50 mouths to feed, and we just couldn’t afford it. So try not to take offense to this.
P.S. The only person you’ll hurt by not going is yourself. Find a babysitter for your kids, go to the wedding and have a great time.
EDIT: I just saw that you were planning on bringing your kids to the ceremony anyway. I would advise against this since again…they weren’t invited.
Post # 3
@Jennifer67: if you aren’t comfortable going without your kids, then don’t go. you will find that this board is going to be full of people supporting your friends and their age cut-off.
nobody wants to have their wedding interrupted by fidgety kids with short attention spans. sure, YOUR kids might be well behaved… but it would be RUDE of them to say your kids can come, but this kid and that kid can’t.
Post # 4
They had to make the cutoff somewhere if they didn’t want kids. There are no rules or even general guidelines about all first cousins being invited. I’m sorry you are upset about this, but I’m sure it wasn’t a personal attack. Rather, they had to keep to a budget or a certain number of ppl in the space. Counting people invited but not going does not help because many couples invite more people because they anticipate some declining.
There is a big difference between their original cutoff of 16 and allowing one 15 year old and allowing 4 kids 12 and under. This is not about you. Since you have said you are close, it would be a shame to miss the wedding or reception. Leave your kids at home, go to the wedding and celebrate with your family.
Post # 5
I’m sure your family isn’t the only one effected by this decision. It’s a tough one to make. I have seen this become more common these days and its harder to make exceptions. Since you have a good relationship, you could offer to pay for your kids plates but then its not as fair to others who are abiding and the bride/groom may not want to budge on their decision. I would just respect it.
Post # 6
The weddings are about them, not about you and your kids.
If they don’t want kids under 14, then you need to respect that.
Either go without the kids or don’t go at all.
I am not having kids at my wedding either.
Maybe they don’t want to have a “kids meal” and the food is so expensive they don’t want to feed kids adult food.
This is not a personal affront to you, they just don’t want kids and you need to respect that.
ETA: One of the main reasons we aren’t having kids at the wedding is for their own safety. There is no fence between a 20-30 foot drop into the harbor and our reception area. Just a small raised concrete barrier that could easily be climbed over.
Post # 7
From a bride’s perspective who had to do this, it is a hard decision. We love kids but if we invited all the kids that would be another 26 guest. We are already way over on our guest list. FI tried to say that well we should let these people bring there kids, friends of ours, as they have to travel. I told him a firm no. It is not fair to let them bring their young kids and not everyone else to.
So if you are close, go and enjoy the day without your kids. They aren’t going to remember not going and the only one who will miss out is you if you don’t go.
Post # 8
I did a cutoff at 16 for my wedding, however anyone close to us under 16 was put into the wedding so that way only kids in the bridal party were invited. But DH does have a lot of aunts and uncles that we hardly ever see so we didn’t invite their children (his first cousins) and they didn’t show up. All it has done was put a much bigger divide in their relationship.
With that being said my brother got married that same year and didn’t invite any children at all. Unfortunately the bride and the groom ultimately decide these decisions. If I were you I wouldn’t use this wedding to make a statement and not attend your niece and nephews wedding. I would be very hurt and insulted if because I didn’t want children at my wedding, which is very common, that my own aunt didn’t attend my wedding. I can see this breaking your relationship with you niece and nephew as well as your brother and sister-in-law.
Post # 9
You don’t have to go. I don’t blame them for not wanting the children there.
Post # 10
@Jennifer67: The only thing you can do is respect their wishes and be kind when doing so. This is their wedding, which means they get to call the shots. Even if they had monetary help with the wedding, if they don’t small children at the wedding that’s their call. At my best friend’s wedding, a small child screamed through the whole vows. No one heard their vows. She wasn’t pleased.
Post # 11
@2PeasinaPod: EDIT: I just saw that you were planning on bringing your kids to the ceremony anyway. I would advise against this since again…they weren’t invited.
Gah… the bee ate my post.
I said that I agree 100% with 2Peas. Your kids were not invited, so do not bring them to any wedding events. Bringing uninvited guests is rude and should not be done.
Post # 12
Thanks alot everyone for your comments. I really appreciate your input and maybe I’m just being too sensitive.
Post # 13
@Mrs.RDV:I guess youre right
Post # 14
This decision was really hard for me as well. My FI has a massive guest list, and one of the first things we did to cut down was omit kids. We are only inviting our own nieces and nephews…no cousins/etc. of certain generations.
I am really close to a few cousins and really wanted their kids to be there, but I just couldn’t without our list getting out of control.
Trust that they really want you there! In several years, will it really matter to your kids if they weren’t invited?