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You're doing what's best and right for you. A good friend ... true friend, would know that. Her reaction just validates why she is not in the wedding party at all.
You don't owe her an explanation IMHO. It's your wedding and your decision. Her BS is not something you need surrounding you when you are planning and on your wedding day. If she asks why, tell her...otherwise, leave it it alone.
You definitely do not owe her an explanation. Now, if you'd told her right before you got engaged "oh please promise me you'll agree to be my bridesmaid!" then yeah you might want to be nice and explain why things changed so that a friend isn't left bewildered, but unless it is something specific like that where a clear expectation was put out by you, then no you don't need to explain to ANYONE.
@MrsTahoe: I don't think you owe her an explanation, or anything for that matter, not only because you're simply not obligated to give one, but especially regarding her. She sounds very self-centered and judgmental, and her friendship is conditional and manipulative. Wish her well on figuring all that out...far away from you. Congratulations on your wedding and in making such a smart and healthy decision for yourself.
(Heh. You just helped me come to a conclusion about a similar "friend" in my world. Sometimes it is easier to help others than to help ourselves. Thank you for your inspiring and thought-provoking post.)
@Cornflakegirl: Happy I could help. :) I'm curious to know your story as well, but regardless, I hope it all works out!
When my friend told me she wasn't going to attend, I actually felt relieved. That has really shown that I made the right decision and this friendship has run its course.
It sounds like she's made the decision to be hurt about this, and I don't think there's anything you can do. I'm not even sure explaining why you didn't choose her to be a BM would help much. Like a PP said, if she asks you pointblank, then yes, you should tell her that you decided not to ask her to be a BM and explain why. But if not, I wouldn't get into it with her. It would probably lead to a fight and a lot of hurt feelings, and as I said before, she's making the choice to be mad about this and not attend your wedding. It's her loss, unfortunately.
Yikes! I was in your exact position but I DID offer an explanation without being asked first (pressure from another friend). Bad idea. If she wants to bring it up with you she can/will. As a previous poster said, a true friend wouldn't make you feel bad about this decision.
I wish I hadn't said anything, and you should just let it go. Hopefully she'll come around, but if not, it's her loss.
@MrsTahoe: "When my friend told me she wasn't going to attend, I actually felt relieved. That has really shown that I made the right decision and this friendship has run its course."
Good for you! You definitely made the right decision, and no, you don't owe her an explanation.
I actually think I'm in the minority here - you are saying that this friendship has run its course.... well, I think that's why you need to let her know why you aren't picking her. Not in a hateful "mean girls" sort of way, but you need to let her know that you didn't want to pick her as a bridesmaid because you and her have grown apart and aren't the friends you once were. I think when you DON'T say something, you never get closure. I was having similar issues with one of my best friends from high school who became very needy/leechy when we got older (and would dissapear when she'd date a guy and reappear when they dumped her). I had to put my foot down and basically tell her why I thought we shouldn't be friends anymore and it's been 2+ years that we talked, but we both had closure. I think we both sensed for a while that we had outgrown each other but felt obligated to be each other's friends for some reason because of what good times we had.
Not worth it - if you don't want to keep her as a friend, be honest with her. It will make you feel better in the end (long time from now).
@LovesToPlan: If you don't mind my asking, what happened when you spoke to your friend about it?
cmvmph I do totally see where you are coming from, and if it were a normal situation, I would be comfortable in telling her I felt we've grown apart and that was a factor in my decision. But this friend is just so... explosive with her reactions, and can be so unpredictable and negative about the smallest disagreements, that I feared she would really fly off the handle when I shared I didn't choose her because I felt our friendship had been suffering for a while. Plus she was never geniuenly supportive of my FI and me, though she'd never admit that fully. I just didn't want to get into those discussions with her, especially as I've tried sharing feedback with her about our friendship before and she always threw it back in my face.
I was just curious as to what the 'expectation' was out there about whether we owe friends an explanation or not about who we select for our wedding. Mine definitely was a more *special* case though! :)
@MrsTahoe: I don't blame you for feeling relieved. It's a shame when someone chooses to put their pettiness over celebrating the happiness of a friend. Here's to the genuine friends that share in one's happiness with a true heart.
As for my story, I lost a friendship with someone whose jealousy of me emerged in all its ugliness from the moment I got engaged. She actually tried to trick me into leaving my engagement ring in her safe (she was the only one with the key to it) when we went out dancing one night. Her reasoning? I would attract men who would see my ring as a challenge and she didn't think I could handle myself in that situation...even though we were going to a gay bar just to dance and avoid attracting men in the first place. Hooray for crazy logic! After declaring that I've never been a support to her, that I never fit her definition of "friend," and after it had been months since we last corresponded, she was actually surprised when we did not invite her to the wedding. She wrote as much, as though trying to guilt me into going back in time to invite her. She said that not only did she expect to be invited, but also that she expected to be more than just a guest to help me that day. I've ignored her e-mails ever since because it was clear that she never wanted a resolution, she just wanted to fight. She tried to goad me one last time (I hope) into responding to her, otherwise she will just go on thinking I'm being "beastly" toward her but still sends her love to my husband and stepsons. As far as I'm concerned, she can go on thinking whatever she wants. Like Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz, "You have no powers here. Be gone before someone drops a house on you, too!"
Haha I love the Oz quote, truly perfect!
Thanks for sharing your story too - it's really amazing how weddings bring out people's true sides, and in both good and bad. I have some friends that have been SO amazingly supportive and helpful, and they aren't even in the wedding! They just love me and want to do what they can to share in my day. Those are the people we should surround ourselves with. One of my friends who is coming, I was her MOH about 3 years ago. I haven't asked her to be in my wedding because we haven't really kept in touch and have grown apart - not for any bad reason, just life. But we're still inviting her and she's been nothing but happy and supportive of us. And she's not giving me grief for not including her, even though I was her MOH! AND she and her husband are traveling so that they can attend and show their support!
Since my friend sent me her message explaining why she wasn't coming to the wedding, I haven't responded, and I don't plan to. I know she's looking for a response to show that I'm upset, and I won't allow her manipulation to dictate my decisions any longer. I did that enough when we lived together. It sounds like you've done that too by not responding to your friend, and I think that's the right decision in situations like these.
Perhaps the right thing for me to do would have been to explain to her why she's not being included, but I didn't want to fight, or have her say nasty things to me. I don't mind dealing with conflict, but ONLY when both sides play fair. Otherwise, I'm not going to waste my time or emotional energy.
In this case after reading all your follow ups I think you handled it fine as you don't want to fight. However I think in most cases no you don't OWE anyone anything, but as a friend and hopefully someone with manners and kindness you should explain to a friend your choice. I mean why wouldn't you? Just because it is a wedding doesn't exempt people from acting appropriately. If a friend hurt you in an everyday situation you'd want to talk it out right? Same concept.
Err no! You don't owe someone an explanation as to why they're not a bridesmaid. I hope nobody is secretly expecting to be a bridesmaid at my wedding because I am only having one and I don't intend to explain to every single one of my female friends, relatives and future relatives why they're not being asked.
It seriously pees me off when women get like this. When my sister in law first got with my brother, one of her friends announced "if you get married DON'T expect me to be a bridesmaid" so she didn't ask her. When her friend found out she wasn't asked she went insane!
The worst part about it? My sister in law gave in and added her as a bridesmaid at the last minute. Don't you dare do the same lol! You handled it perfectly and you don't owe her, or anybody else you didn't ask an explanation as to why not. She's being ridiculous and a drama queen. You don't want that at your wedding, maybe it's better that she's not coming lol.
I think you've handled the situation well. I too had to learn that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my decisions. The funny thing is that the people demanding them actually already know the answers. This girl knows exactly why she isn't in your wedding party. She doesn't need one from you because she will make up one that suits her imagination anyway.
I wouldn't respond to her either. If she is as explosive as you say, responding will only stir up more drama. If she doesn't show up to your wedding--yay! She would probably walk around sullen playing the martyr, and whining to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be near her.
*Sorry if I'm over the top OP. I'm beginning to get a real attitude about this type of behavior surrounding weddings
@MrsTahoe: No, trying to explain yourself will only cause a fight. Stand by your position and send her an invite. If she comes, wonderful. If she does not attend, oh well. She is an adult and you can not control her actions nor can she control yours.
I think you've handled everything well. If you had previously, or recently said that she would be a bridesmaid, or if she asked then I think a simple "sorry, when it came down to it I made this decision" would suffice. But I don't think if you had never mentioned it you should then seek her out to tell her why.
Sounds like she's just decided to be mad, and it's ultimately her loss.
Okay, is the poll meant as like a hypothetical situation or your situation specifically? If it's not your situation specifically, I am kind of shocked by the results.
@ThePrincessMaggie: I meant it hypothetically, but I'm not sure if that's how people voted?
@MrsMagnus: Not over the top at all! It has also shocked me how ridiculous people become during wedding planning - and we have only planned ours for two months and are getting married in 3 weeks. I'd be afraid if we were planning for longer - who knows what kind of drama would start! But what I don't understand, most of all, is that a wedding is about the two people getting married and how they want to celebrate. Why do others become so crazy over it??
@MrsTahoe: What happened? It wasn't pretty. She got really mad and walked out of a Starbucks on me, claiming that I was insensitive and "needing space". It honestly confirmed my choice. Things between us were a little awkward for a couple of months, but it seems fine now. We just NEVER talk about the wedding, which suits me just fine.
You're right, being engaged and planning a wedding really does bring out crazy sides of people (including ourselves sometimes!) that we didn't know they had. Sigh. That's why being engaged is TEMPORARY! ;)
My two cents: I was expecting to stand for a close friend and former roommate. She and her guy were together many years before tying the knot, and she had always told me I'd be in the bridal party. After he proposed, she asked her MOH, but I heard nothing. Weeks and then months went by and I didn't hear from her, not even a call to tell me she got engaged (I found out on facebook with everybody else). Finally I asked her about it. She said on two separate occasions that nothing was final yet, when I knew that she just didn't want to actually tell me I'd been excluded. To me, the important thing wasn't that she didn't choose me (although that hurt), but her evasive techniques. Finally we had a discussion about it, and I felt better and closer to her again- knowing who she had chosen, I saw why they were better choices and waasn't upset about it. I was glad to attend her wedding.
All told, I do think an explanatory conversation is nice, but a reasonable friend won't throw a temper tantrum if you don't ask them, either. As others have said, her reaction indicates you made a good choice!
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Hi Bees,
I have a friend, whom I've known about 6 years, who I've had a very volatile relationship with. We lived together about 4 of those years and many of them were extremely stressful for me. She has the capacity to be a great friend, and those moments often came through, but she also has a lot of anger management issues and would often take out her stress and anger on me. We had many explosive fights over really insignificant things.
She also has an odd sense of entitlement, in that she'll expect things from me (or expect me to do things for her) without regard to its cost (physical, emotional, mental) to me. An example, she'd often expect me to pick her up from the airport when she'd get in at a time when public transportation wasn't available. Most of the time I'd say yes, but if I couldn't (one time I was really sick and said no), she'd get really angry with me and not speak to me for days. And yes, where we live, cabs are easy to get - just expensive.
To get to the point of all this, I've know for some time before FI and I got engaged, I wouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, because of the anger and entitlement issues. But of course to make matters more complicated, she is the one who introduced me to FI. Another reason not to include her in the wedding was because she's been rather negative about my relationship with FI (saying it was never going to work, because he was in the military he'd definitely cheat on me, all kinds of nonsense).
So after our engagement, I chose my bridesmaids (3 in total including MOH), and that was that. I didn't tell my friend I wasn't choosing her when we told her our wedding plans, even though I knew she was expecting to be a bridesmaid, and was actually even expecting to be MOH. I didn't tell her mostly because of how angry she can react to things (who needs that stress before their wedding?!) but also because I don't feel brides are necessarily obligated to explain to friends why they weren't chosen for the bridal party, even if the friend expected to be. Her expectations were based on her own views, not because I ever said "Oh, when I get married you'll DEFINITELY be a bridesmaid!" I was actually very careful not to say that to anyone cause I know things change.
Now at this point this friend obviously fully realizes I'm not having her in the wedding and so she is refusing to attend. She said she's upset because she's not included even though she introduced us, and also because I never talked to her about it, and she doesn't want to come to the wedding and pretend not to be deeply offended when she is.
I know I've made the right decision in asking her not to be in the wedding, and I also know the choice for her not to come is on her. But this does make me curious as to what you all think - if we have a friend who we KNOW expects to be a bridesmaid (whether they came to that conclusion themselves or because we'd promised it so long ago), do we owe it to them to explain why they aren't in the wedding? Or is it our choice and we don't owe anyone an explanation?