Weddingbee boards

My best friend of 19 years, who is my MOH, according to her at least, has already started taking control in a way. She assumed she was MOH, which I am not sure about given I know her ability to take over and only listen to her own opinion, and when I mentioned that my sister also said 'shotty MOH', (meaning she wanted MOH) my bestie said that she had a right to be MOH, she has known me longer than my sister has. (My sister was born about five months after i met my MOH)

We were looking at the bridal magazines and everything, she was saying how we need to start planning right now and we should put money down on a dress if we see one we like. That my FI need to decide food, etc etc. That red and white should be the theme, which is one of my ideas but I had other ones too that I want to consider. I said that I am not really doing much wedding planning yet, the more important thing is getting uni finished, and moving out. Our wedding is not for three to four years, minimum.

She said we shouldn't live together before we get married, that we should save for a deposit on a house. One of the things my father was concerned about when my FI asked his permission for getting engaged to me, was the fact that we haven't lived together, and that we should live together for a year or two before getting married. That is what my FI and I want to do too. But my MOH just made a disapproving face and said that we should save for a house instead.

One thing that really riles me up even more is how she reacted about my FI's choice of best man/men. He is having two, because he couldn't decide between them, one is a friend from high school who we hang out with all the time (him and my bestie) and another best friend who lives in Adelaide, who he has a very similar personality to, and are very similar in their tastes of music etc. They have msn convos I just don't get, but they understand them. Now my MOH and this friend from Adelaide haven't gotten along that well, but she knows how close he and my FI are. Now what really pissed me off was when we told her that he would be one of the best men, she said "Is he even going to come up for the wedding?" That REALLY pissed me off. Of course he would come up for the wedding of one of his best friends! I said that if he couldn't afford the plane trip, etc, which I think he would be able to, we would pay for it ourselves so he could be there. She made a doubtful disapproving face again, and just basically said all this stuff not believing it . He flew up for my FI's 21st and many other occasions, she just thinks the local friend should be the only best man, probably not cos he can do more, but because she doesn't really like the other one.

Of course my FI can't stand up to her, there have been a few occasions where I have said something, she has said something different, and he listened to her not me, even if I was right. I am just scared our wedding will turn into her wedding, that she will shut down every idea I have, insist we plan straight away and my uni work will suffer for it, and if I refuse she might plan things and book things behind my back, even when we do start planning properly I worry that she might change things I've booked or book things behind my back. What do I do?

but I don't want my sister as MOH or two, my sister is an attention getter, she is the youngest and likes being centre of attention, when looking at bridesmaid dresses in the magazines and seeing ones i liked she said stuff like 'that will make me look fat' or 'my hips will look huge in that'. before that she even said 'you cant have long bridesmaid dresses, im too short to wear a long dress. can i shorten it?'

@Jacqui90:  You need to listen to yourself. This person sounds like she will take advantage of everything. Do not, I repeat, do not make her MOH. Maid of Honor is a position of honor, in honor of your marriage and wedding day. From what you describe, there doesn't seem to be much honorable about her, wouldn't you agree? In fact, it sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with her, friend to friend, above and beyond any wedding planning. After 19 years people change and it might be time this friendship to be reevaluated.

@FutureMrsMoore: Seconded. Well said. ;)

Thanks everyone for your advice, I think I will wait a couple of months and if she doesn't settle down I will remind her that is my FI and my wedding, not hers. That I am not deciding on bridesmaids til closer to the date, and that I really do need to focus on uni and moving out at the moment. If she doesn't listen and tries to take over completely she won't be MOH, and I will just have my other friend who I definitely want as a bridesmaid, who is very supportive, as my only attendant. If she isn't going to realise it's my wedding not hers, there is no point having her in it, she can just attend. But I definitely will try not to involve her in much of the details. I know quite often it is usually the bride and maid of honour and the mums who plan it, and the groom just does a couple of things, like the honeymoon and transport, but I want my fiance to be involved in picking everything (except the dress of course!) and not have my maid of honour do much planning, except for the hens night. (she already has an idea for it, and I think it was awesome - spa day!) 

I am thinking maybe if we talk about engagement party details that will make her quit with the wedding planning, of course we may not have an engagement party, but if we do, she can help if she wants to with details. Will have to see how that works. I have spoken to my FI about it, and he said if she tries to talk to him about it, without me there or whenever, he would say we want to make the decisions, and if she persists, he will remind her that it is our wedding, not hers. He has been wonderful with all this, and he is happy to go to wedding shows with me too :)

Thanks for all your advice :)

I have already asked my other friend to be a bridesmaid, cos I know she will be supportive and helpful. We met up for lunch on the weekend and went to a couple bridal stores and other dress shops, and she was supportive with everything and tried on a dress so I could see what the style would be like :) texted my bestie saying:

"Hey, just wondering if you got my Facebook message? Well anyway, you do understand that I'm not choosing bridesmaids yet, besides (other friend), cos I have asked her already. But both you and my sister have assumed you'll be maid of honour. I don't understand why. I need a maid of honour who understands it is my wedding and is supportive of my and my FI's choices. Do you understand?"

She hasn't replied since, and she doesn't text back ever when I mention a single thing about wedding stuff and rarely normally. She responds to my FI's messages easily enough. What should I do? I really am unsure about having her, her comment about my FI's choice of best men was downright rude and I do not want her in my wedding if she is going to talk shit like that.