Should he ask your parents first?

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I told my FI before we were engaged that when he wanted to propose to NOT ask my parents for permission. I find it an archaic and insulting tradition- they have no say in my marriage.

They may be upset, but I think they’d get over it out of happiness for you.

Post # 3
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I personally think it’s crazy for parents to have that much say over a relationship.. so maybe I’m not the best to give advice.  However, you are not their property and he doesn’t have to ask for their permission to have you as his future wife.  That is for YOU to decide 100%. 

Do you know what would happen if they did not give their permission/blessing? Would it make a difference? I’m just curious…

Post # 4
Hostess
15072 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I wanted my DH to ask my dad, it was important to me because it was important to my dad. It’s up to you and your SO, you know your family dynamic best and can decide if this is a hill to die on or not. 

Post # 5
Member
7197 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

SoonToBeAFK:  My husband asked my father for permission, but he had already asked me first so in effect it just meant that my parents were the first people we told. My husband felt it was the respectful thing to do.

If your parents are traditional, I don’t think it does any harm to do it that way: rather than together saying, “We’re engaged”, your FI alone asks for their permission / blessing. It costs you nothing (just like with your plan, you know first), but it would probably make your parents happier. 

Post # 6
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

SoonToBeAFK:  My FI and my sisters FI talked with our dad about wanting to propose to us, his daughters, but they did not ask. They just wanted to extend the courtesy of letting our family members know when/how the proposal would happen, to give them a heads up. Our families didn’t need to give their permission, we both have been out of the house a long time and did not come from a family that ever expected that.

My brother also ran his plans through his FIs dad/family, but did not “ask.”

This seems to be situational to the family/couple. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way, just whatever works for the couple. 

Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Its your choice. I will say if you think they will be mad, at least sit down with them your fiance and you tell them you’ve decided to get married.  To me its not a real question but respect. How old were you when u started dating. ..that part was over bearing less u were under 18

Post # 8
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m an independent lady, but I was never against the whole getting family approval thing. I knew my dad would appreciate it in theory(we’re Asian), but having him ask for my parents’ blessing wasn’t really something I had considered in real life. FI did ask for my dad’s blessing though FI told me ahead of time he was going to do so. I’m glad he talked with my dad, and even moreso, it impresses me that he would do it all on his own. 

Post # 9
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My FI, when proposing to me, showed a video of him asking EVERYONE I knew and them all (jokingly) saying no. But eventually saying yes, and why, which was very emotional and beautiful.

To answer your question. I think it depends on the person. My dad is the type of guy that would say yes, but if he was not asked he would have been pissed. I think it’s courteous to do so, but not necceserily to abide by their response.

Post # 10
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wanted my FI to ask for my father’s blessing before he proposed, but I didn’t tell him. FI did ask my dad. It’s important to me, because I am my dad’s little girl and will be until the day I die – my dad and I are close. However, if my father had said no, I would have both wanted to know why and would have wanted FI to propose anyway. It’s not a black and white yes/no – it’s a blessing, not permission, IMO, and a courtesy. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong either way though, it’s way more cultural than anything. 

 

I don’t think that’s the problem here though. How old are you, OP? How old were you when you and your FI started dating? Were you underage – did you parents still have a say over your actions? Are you still living at home? Your post raises a ton more questions (for me at least) about how controlling your parents are, and why they’ve had such a strong opinion about this. 

Post # 11
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

For me, it’s not so much about the permission but just the mutual respect. I wouldn’t bring home a guy that my family didn’t like and would disagree with our relationship. I was sad that my SO didn’t ask for my fathers bLessing.

Post # 12
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

No because I am not property that is someone else’s to give away. 

Post # 13
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Whichever is right for you. It was important to me that he not ask. I didn’t need the formality of my Dad saying yes. 

Post # 14
Member
2679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I told my FI specifically NOT to ask my parents. I am a strong, independent woman and my mother and father have nothing to do with who I marry.

Post # 15
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

MrsKing212:  This.  I told him I am not owned by my parents and to not ask them, and he obliged with my wishes.

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