Should he tell his mom about the actual engagment beforehand

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

He’s 27 years old. He doesn’t have to tell her before the fact if he doesn’t want to. 

Post # 3
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

This is a difficult situation. Because on one hand I think yes but on the other hand it gets tricky. Knowing that she’s not going to approve already gives me an indication of how she’s going to react. I think it’s important to note that she probably just has his best interest at heart, and is genuinely concerned. Marriage is a huge, LIFELONG committment. Not to mention you are still young, and religious differences can cause a huge strain in marriage if not dealt with and discussed. 

That being said, if it were me I would probably let my mother know. If I knew she was going to be upset, I would want to have an actual conversation with her about it and try to get her to see where I’m coming from and vice versa. I think your fiance should respect her opinion, as it is valid. But ultimately, it is his life and he has to call the shots and make the choices. I would leave it up to him to make that final call as it’s his mother. 

Post # 6
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Considering that you already know her viewpoint on an engagement, I see no real point with telling her. It’s not going to change the fact that you’re getting engaged, it’s just going to make your SO sad and you as well as I presume he will tell you the outcome. I would just go ahead with your plans, and then inform her. At that point, she’s hopefully grown up enough to respect your decision and not cause a scene.

Wishing you the very best of luck!

Post # 7
4751 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He’s an adult, he’s obviously made the decision to propose, and he’s essentially already told her his intentions. Since she seems to be unhappy about it, I can’t imagine that him telling her before he does it will make much of a difference.

FWIW, my DH kept his proposal a secret until the day of. A good family friend knew, because he connected DH with a private jewler. My BFF was brought into the mix about 2 months prior to proposal to find out my ring size. He took my dad to lunch the day of the proposal, and then called his mom when he was driving home to our house to propose. So yes, he told his mom and my dad, and they were thrilled but we knew they would be.

Post # 8
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My FI was in the same situation.  He knew his mom didn’t like me and would be upset.  He told his parents and showed them the ring, partly because he was excited and wanted to share with his parents, and partly to give them a heads up so they would maybe get used to the idea a bit before he actually proposed.

They had a negative reaction.  His dad came around and said he supported him, and has since been completely happy about the engagement.  The only halfway nice thing his mom had to say was, “You have excellent taste in jewelry.” She tried to convince him to wait until he was done with grad school (at least 3 more years, we were 26 and 27 at the time, been dating for 6 years). She asked him multiple times if he was sure.  He ended up telling her that he’s made up his mind and he hopes she can support him.

In the end, I don’t think it mattered that he told them ahead of time. When he called to tell them I said yes, his mom immediately changed the topic.  She literally acted as if he didn’t say anything more important than he was grocery shopping. But maybe if he hadn’t told her, she would have had a huge fit that I would’ve overheard? Who knows.

Anyway, I think if he tells her it may soften her reaction when you guys tell her that you are actually engaged, but I do not think it will make her any happier about it.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  TGold.
Post # 10
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Etassy:  He is a grown man, who supports himself, correct? Then no, he doesn’t need to “warn” his mother about his plans to get engaged – let alone fill his mother in on the financial details.

Post # 11
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Zhabeego:  I agree.  The mother doesn’t need to be told how much the ring cost EVER.  It’s none of her business.  And if you know it will only cause conflict anyway, that’s even more of a reason not to tell her.

Post # 12
47 posts

Etassy:  he’s 27 !!! I’m sorry I don’t even think it’s any of her bussiness when or how he proposes or how much the ring was ! She doesn’t “need” or have a “right” to know before but if he wants to tell her or not that’s totally up to him but if he tells her before or after he’s done it the bottom line is she dissaproves and her thoughts will be the same either way. Hope it goes well and you have a nice proposal !

Post # 13
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Etassy:  I don’t know…if I was him, I would let her know. Not because he has to or because she has any say in what he does or doesn’t do, but because it’s the right thing to do.

It was very important to me to have FI “ask” my dad, not for his blessing, but so my parents would have a heads up. They love my FI (and his parents love me), but I still felt it was respectful to let them know that something so big was about to happen. He talked to his parents about it for the same reason (and because he was so nervous).

In your case especially I think that letting her know is the right thing to do – if she’s blindsided by the engagement her reaction is bound to be a lot worse than if she knows about it in advance.

ETA: He definitely, definitely does not need to tell her how much the ring cost!

Post # 14
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Honestly? I think he shouldn’t mention engagement or marriage to her again until after you get engaged, and then he should sent her a note or an email saying something along the lines of, “I’ve asked Etassy to marry me, and she said yes!! I am so happy and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. We’re thinking the wedding will be month/date. I know you have some mixed feelings about our relationship, but I hope you can set them aside, accept the fact that I love her and she loves me and we are mature enough to make the decision that is right for us, and that you will be happy for us. It’s so important to me that you are supportive.” I feel like that would give her a little time/space to adjust BEFORE reacting — if she’s going to be able to accept the engagement/marriage, chances are better that he not spring it on her in person or on the phone (when her initial reaction might be hurtful to him) — but I don’t think talking to her about it in advance will do anyone good, she’s likely to say something that will spoil the anticipation for you both, and why set yourselves up for that?

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