Post # 1
I am asking people to be BMs for me this week. It’s kind of stressful because I once said no to a girl I literally hadn’t heard a peep from for almost 10 years who got back in touch to ask me to be in her wedding. I said no and I still feel bad about it (I was also out of the country that whole year from when she asked through the wedding, but I still feel bad 10 years later!) So I’m afraid I have bad wedding karma from that and that some of my friends will be like omg wtf no way we aren’t even that close!
So on that base of nonsensical paranoia, I give you my small but more real problem. I met my friend C in grad school, she was my roommate for one summer, and we have kept in touch well. Through her I met her high school BFF, R, and then later her other friend N. I’m least close with N, but I’ve visited C and R on their own. I only see N when I’m with them. These girls all live in separate cities btw, but we get together for milestone bdays, baby showers, etc. And generally if we email we email as a group.
The thing is R has been kind of awful lately. Super judgmental bordering on mean… And I don’t need her being negative about every little choice I make. She has also made multiple nasty comments about my cats, basically wishing they’d get hurt, to the point that I unfriended her on FB cause every time I posted a picture of my kitty she would say something disturbing. If she noticed, she never asked why… She probably knows though cause I sent her a long email asking her to stop and she tried to justify it but said she would stop. But then it happened again and that was it.
Anyway, if that weren’t going on, I’d probably have asked all three of them as a unit. But at this point, I really would only want C as a BM (and R and N as guests.) I don’t want to hurt R’s feelings though even if she is being awful (N would not care.)
I’m also asking some other friends, so it’s not like it’s them or nothing.
What do you think?
Post # 3
Given that you said you met these women in grad school, they are old enough to know that not everyone in your life is going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.
I think you should ask C and be done with it. I don’t think it generally turns out well, when brides ask women with whom they already have issues.
What’s the worst that can happen? R gets upset and drops out of your life- oh well.
Post # 4
Ask exactly who you want in your bridal party, so I voted C only. True friends realise that not everyone can be in the bridal party, and you can still be friends without being in the bridal party. C, N and R are not joined at the hip, they are not an all or nothing deal. Besides, you knew C the longest and N and R are more “C’s friends”, so it’s easy to justify that way.
Post # 5
As someone who endured a negative BM before, leave R out, for sure….. Not worth it I agree with the above, only ask C.
Post # 6
Before i even read the whole story, i wanted to pass on something another bee said on a post of mine. I thought it was one of the best pieces of advice – so im giving it to anyone before they pick bridesmaids.
I had a really bad exerience with a friend of 25 years during my engagement – I won’t go into it, but the result is that she not only abandoned me, but all our friends and pretty much our entire family (we were cousins).
Anyhow here is the piece of advice I wish i had known before i made that choice: Bridesmaids are not just a group of friends – they are the friends who will be there to support and defend your marriage and be the guardians of the union you are about to make no matter what the world throws at you. (Unless of course the spouse were to break that contract by cheating or abuse….then said friends feel free to beat his ass :-P)
Seriously, though. I found that once i viewed it this way it made all the difference. I have many friends, a few close ones, but even fewer close ones that view love and my relationship with the same level of commitment and passion that i do. Whatever the definintion of that love is to you – pick people who will reflect that and stand by you even if the world tries to tear the two of you apart 15 years down the road.
Sorry for going too deep – haha. I’m just saying this after a lot of hurt that I hope no one else ever has to deal with!
Don’t worry about R and N – they are no good for you and NO good for your relationship. Ask C if she fits into the category i described. If not, stick to the other people you already said you had.
Good luck and congrats on your engagement!
Post # 7
Oh my gosh just ask C, certainly do not ask R. And if I were you I’d think twice about even INVITING R.
I had a bit of a bridesmaid dilemma too, and now I’m super glad I chose who I did, and that I didn’t also include a couple of others ( that I was originally thinking about including simply to avoid an awkard situation.)
Post # 8
Forget about the negativity and choose exactly the people you want that will love and support you during this amazing time in your life.
Post # 9
Why would you even consider making someone a bridesmaid that you can’t even be facebook friends with?
Post # 10
Wow I am really surprised by the replies! I was sure you guys would say all or none, but it looks like the vote is overwhelmingly for just C.
I’m going to sit and think about it a while before I ask C. I like her a lot, but I don’t want to cause any drama for anybody. Easier to wait to ask than it would be to ask and regret it!
Thanks so much to everybody who voted and replied. The best part about weddingbee is being able to post something to a big group where everyone knows exactly what you’re going through 🙂