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Technically, as a BM you really don't HAVE to do any of the things you are saying she hasn't been doing.
If you feel that she isn't being a good friend to you in general, then maybe you don't want her involved because in the long run she won't be involved in your life.
But just from what you said above, I don't think that merits getting rid of her as a BM. She may not be in a financial position to help pay for things and given the cost of a dress and travel and shoes or whatever else, she may just be being cautious about the other expenses.
I think you should sit down with her and talk to her. Also, I think it's tough to expect her to shell out alot of money. She could be going through a difficult time...also people get busy. Have you been a bridesmaid before? There are alot of demands. I just think before asking her to step down, talk to her over coffee or dinner. It's hard to expect others to be as into your wedding as you are...hopefully that didn't come off as harsh, I just have to remind myself of that when I speak to others.
Unfortunately, unless you're ready to end the friendship, I wouldn't ask her to step down. She most likely will be pretty hurt that you're asking her to step down and won't even want to be a friend of yours any longer let alone be a guest at your wedding.
I'm a firm believer in that bridesmaids have 2 jobs. Buy a dress and show up the day of the wedding. I know it's disappointing that she wouldn't help out with the shower, but she did get you a gift (even if it wasn't something you cared for), so it's hard to fault her for doing the bare minimum.
Sorry you're going through this and she's forcing you to make this decision. But, if you do decide to ask her to step down, I wouldn't expect her to show up the day of the wedding.
I think you should let it be for now. Reevaluate the friendship after the wedding.
I would try and talk to her about it and if she is being rude or selfish then ask her to step down. But try talking it out first.
Everyone is wearing their own black dress and shoes. And her travel cost is $2.25 for the subway. And I COMPLETELY disagree... if you know you cant handle the financial responability why say "yes"? I, personally, would not accept a request to be a BM from a friend if I wasn't in a situation where I could buy, dress, shoes, shower gift, wedding gift, bach party, ect.
She doesn't not have money. She invited me to go drinking with her and a friend two days later.
But besides that... if you cant contribute financially you think one would make up for it in planning or something else, which was not the case.
@beekiss2- that wasnt harsh at all! lol. Thanks for the advice
@2peasinapod- it wasnt a "gift", it was for decor... for the lingerie line. And I am 95% sure it was hers to begin with.
@Angela83- I guess I am just frustrated because I have another friend who is SO much more deserving and I hate that I feel I made a poor decision.
Hmm...well, it appears from your 2nd post that you're pretty angry at her over this, so then I guess ask her to step down. I wouldn't expect a good reaction from her though.
I see what you're saying, just go out with her and see how the friendship is going. Maybe she's unaware of the costs or expectations?
I agree with what you're saying about, if she had known she couldn't commit financially to being a bridesmaid, then she should have declined, but I suspect most people (especially those who haven't been married or been in a party) don't realize what it entails. If she has a dress and has shown up to your party, she's doing better than some, even though it's not as good as you'd like.
I would suggest maybe talking to her about it and explain what your expectations were for her and what they are going forward. Maybe she didn't know she should've been contributing financially to the shower, or maybe she just can't. Hopefully a talk will clear things up, and maybe she'll even offer to step down if she feels she can't meet your expectations.
I'm with 2PeasinaPod - really, her only jobs are to buy the dress you want her to wear (lucky her that you let them choose their own) and to stand up by you the day of your wedding. Everything above that is just bonus. No one, not even your BMs, are required to throw you a shower, a bachelorette party, etc.
She got you a shower gift even though she didn't attend - most people just give shower gifts if they actually come. And just because they hung up the lingerie as decor doesn't mean that it isn't a gift - you still got to keep it all at the end to use and it isn't her fault you don't like what she chose.
You really can't be upset/angry when she is doing more than what is required of her (even if it isn't as much as you'd hoped she'd do). You can be frustrated, sure, but that is no reason to ask her to step down.
@ Miss Pizzelle....
If you have another friend who you want to be a BM, why not add her without getting rid of anyone? The fact of the matter is, you can have really good friends that just aren't into weddings. Your BM may be genuinely happy for you and honored to stand up at your wedding, but may not be all that interested in the rest. If this is someone you consider to be a friend and who has supported you in other things in the past, then that's all that she is required to do.
No, I don't think you should personally. I agree with the others who stated her only "job" as a BM are to wear a dress and show up.
But, from your posts I can see that you just want us to tell you what you are feeling is ok and that she is being terrible. So, yes - ask her to step down.
It sounds like you've already made up your mind about how you feel.
I just don't think asking her to step down b/c she hasn't financially contributed is a good reason. If you personally expect more out of a BM than just standing up there with you on your special day, I get that, but I'm not sure it merits dismissal.
If you think she's being a bad friend in general and don't want her to stand with you on your special day, let her go. But you definately risk losing her as a friend forever.
@Miss Pizelle - You haven't mentioned anything she has done that is so awful as to warrant taking such an extreme step as kicking her out of your bridal party. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I am watching a Bridezillas re-run and some of these girls are making very similar arguments. It can be very easy to lose perspective on how other peopl should respond to your wedding.
Umm her only requirement as a BM is buy a dress and show up to the wedding on time. While, her actions may disappoint you, I don't think they warrant you kicking her out. Kicking someone out of your bridal party = ending a friendship.
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To make a long story short:
I feel one of my BM isn't deserving of being my BM.
She hardly ever texts/call me back, we have hung out maybe 3 times in the last 6 mos (we live in the same city),
she did not help in the planning of my shower,
nor did she contribute financially to the shower like the other BMs/MIL did.
She did not even get me a gift or wishing well item, she did get me a piece of lingerie (but it was nothing I would EVER wear, but she would, it had no tag, no bag, no card)
She completely let the cat out of the bag by telling me how much my shower was costing and complaining to me about how much my MIL was asking her to contribute. She wouldnt even give ($25) And this made me feel aweful
I feel like she has really disappointed me. What should I do?