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*grabs the duct tape*
I wouldn't do it, unless it's normal for you to inquire about his parents well being and you can do so without it being obvious. If your man is perceptive, though, he will see right through just about anything you say.
If there is a way you can bring it up without sending off his mental alarms perhaps inquiring about their activities would work. Something along the lines of "How are your parents enjoying their travels?" Maybe you could mention how you can't wait to see pictures. I'm not sure what would be natural conversation for the two of you.
@Tunacupcakes: Well, I ask about them once in a blue moon but I haven't asked for 2 months now. And he is very perceptive so maybe I need to shut my mouth for now.
The thing is the reason for his parents being abroad is not for travel or pleasure--but mainly financial issues they are having and are trying to resolve. So I do feel bad that they're struggling but at the same time I don't want to get to July and find out that for whatever reason they couldn't make it back to the US. But I guess there's nothing I can do to prevent that if it's going to happen.
@Shirinjoon: Ohhhhhh. Hmmm I see.
Welllll......honestly if you say anything he will probably see right through you. Especially since he knows the direct connection to his parents coming here and your engagement. He will immediately connect the dots if you mention his parents. If you are ok with this, then ask. It's not like it's a bad question, but it might not be...helpful to the situation.
I personally wouldn't mention it. Sorry. :(
@Tunacupcakes: You're right and that's pretty much my take on the situation--I just needed an objective opinion. I'll just keep quiet and hopefully he'll mention it on his own....
*crosses finger*
At least either way you will know pretty shortly. *tries to offer some pseudo comfort*
no I am sorry- I can not support you in asking this. In all honestly- he knows that July is the deadline (?) so you really just need to see what he has planned. Do you think you will extend the timeline as he is making some progress?
I wouldn't do it. Anything even close to the engagement deadline...it's too risky! >.<
I know I would have a really hard time mentioning it without mentioning an engagement...and if the engagement is connected to them meeting...no way.
I want to talk about my engagement so bad it almost hurts! But I know I gotta be quiet...talking about it may delay it further! :(
Thanks for the advice ladies and rest assured that I won't ask him that question or anything relating to engagement for that matter! That's why I have come to rely so much on you all for advice!
@armychica06: With regard to extending the deadline, I have to wait and see what happens because if July comes and goes and he doesn't even mention anything relating to our parents meeting or engagement, then I will know that something is seriously wrong and no extension of the deadline will fix it. If however he plans for our parents to meet and let's say it's for early August and we plan it out--then of course I'll be flexible if I know that it is set and will happen in early August. For now, I know nothing and have seen no progress--so I'm sticking by July unless I see anything reflecting some progress!
In all honesty, sometimes I feel utter hopelessness creep in and I know that's normal for waiting bees. But it's just getting so difficult because we are less than 2 months away from July and he doesn't mention ring shopping or his parents...nothing. And this man is DEFINITELY one who plans things out, talks about it and follows through. So the silence is a bad sign so far.
If he's perceptive, he'll see through any questions you ask, even if casually phrased. But, that may be ok. For example, I think it's reasonable to get off a phone call from your parents in early June and say, "My parents are trying to keep July free to meet your parents, but they do have some unavoidable commitments. Would you like me to get their full schedule for you or would you like to talk directly with them yourself to plan it? If you know which weekend it might be, that would helpful for my parents." That reminds him there are multiple parties he needs to be sensitive about. (I don't know about you, but my parents have fairly busy schedules - one month isn't even enough advance time for them really if it's something super important, at that point most things are already booked in so there are free days in the month left, but many days busy that can't be changed.)
ok so perhaps I am alone here...but if this man is presumably going to be your future husband, why can't you ask him about his parents? I understand not wanting to be a naggy broken record re: engagement and that there are issues btw you and his parents, however what precedent are you setting within yourself by second guessing asking him a simple question? Are you going to have a lifetime of second-guessing everything you say as to not have it misconstrued? Are you going to have to rely on a message board for advice everytime an issue comes up that could potentially be touchy? Ask him. It is one question. If one question is going to make or break his decision re: wanting to propose to you this summer...why would you want to spend the rest of your life w/him anyway?
@LindaD76: In her earlier posts (weeks back) she said that she was trying to keep a zipped lip for a variety of lengthy reasons that generally boil down to having promised to her SO that she'd drop the subject and let him do his thing. So there's nothing wrong with speaking with the future husband at all, I usually advise it, but in this particular situation, I might advise differently based on additional details that aren't provided in her original post.
I think it's okay to confirm with your SO that the meeting will happen in July, and at that point you can ask for more info about when his parents will be back in the US. I don't think the topic should be off limits, you're allowed to talk about it because you actually have to coordinate with your parents too and they need some notice to prepare.
You can say somehting like "I want to make sure July is good for your parents before I tell my parents about the meeting. Do you know if they will definitely be back in the US by then?" Say you don't want to bring it up with your parents who will be super excited and asking about it constantly until you know for sure it's going to hhappen.
I like the suggestion of asking in terms of coordinating with my parents as they would like to know at least 2 weeks in advance of the meeting. At the same time, I think it's a bit premature for me to ask now since we're still a good 1.5 months away from July...I think I'll bite my tongue for another month--until mid-June. At that point, if he hasn't even mentioned his parents having returned to the US, then I will ask him if they're back yet.
And just to clarify, I truly don't believe that asking him will change anything in terms of whether or not he actually follows through on his promise. I'm not afraid to discuss things with him. I just wish that he would bring it up--which is why I'm keeping quiet right now!
Tunacupcakes: Thank you, and yes it is a comfort to know that in about 2 months I will have an answer--either he will keep his promise or not. And I will take it from there....
Don't ask. At this point I think no news is best. If you ask him then you will go back into that stage where you get obessed about it. Just let him do his thing.
Wait, and hope he mentions it, or bring it up ONLY if it can be done in the context of another coversation. I'd hpoe if things were going badly over there (Iran?) he'd have said, "Gee, I'm worried about Mom and Dad," or something along those lines.
Only 76 more days. :P
Dear Shirinjoon -- you won't have an answer in July -- because it seems to me you're prepared to continue extending your deadline. Only this time, what we hear "creeping" in is this problem his parents are having (financial or otherwise) about possibly not making it back to the States by then... and you being understanding and kind and willing to accept this. What else can you do, you're probably asking yourself?
Oh boy, I say. You are giving your man a lot of leeway here, there and every where. He is controlling you and the situation a LOT. You say he no longer wants to make love with you and hasn't for a long time (a recent previous post), but he doesn't explain it on any religious or moral grounds. So you come up with an excuse for him by your lonesome - that it must be these antidepressants he's taking. You've told us his parents full-out rejected you some time ago and that he followed their wishes and broke off a pledge to marry you (or something close to it). Now you're in a place where you let him NOT be intimate with you, not check out other medications, not feel comfortable with him discussing his parents, their situation or whatever. What are you doing?
I would look very carefully inside myself if I were you and really consider whether I was happy and having My needs - any of them - met or not; stop worrying/wondering about what he's doing. He's not in a very good place. If I were you, I would give serious thought to individual psychotherapy to help you sort out your priorities and find your inner strength because you seem to be in some kind of denial here, sorry to say so. I would just say it might be a good idea to put your own house in order and do what you need to do to make YOU happy and less controlled so that come July, come what may, you'll be okay.
The question I presented in my post has to do with seeking advice on whether to ask my SO something. The reason I posted this is because I know many bees suggest keeping silent while waiting. Nowhere in my post do I ask advice about my relationship and if I should be with this man, so I'm not sure why you are offering this particular advice but be aware that in no way do I have doubts about my SO.
If you look at my previous posts, I have never once mentioned being unhappy with this man. That is because he TRULY makes me happier than anyone I've been with. And I'm not going to write a novel about why I believe I've found the love of my life. Perhaps you meant the advice in the nicest way possible, but please do understand that when I ask a question about something specific, in no way am I seeking advice on whether I should be with this man.
@JoeBeth12: I think the OPs been pretty clear July IS her deadline in her previous posts. Of course, only she can decide what to do should her SO have another problem that sets him back, and how she will face it. She has said previously that if July comes and goes and he has not prporsed to allow them to start planning as weding by 2012, (was it?), then she was planning on ending the relationship - she's crossed that bridge of decision making... but with the deadline over 70 days away, it's hard to not mull over it. I think that's why she wants to ask him about his parents' status, to hopefully make him divulge something, anything, but since it's not a normal conversational topic, she'll be breaking her "waiting silence" and could be seen as starting up the "wedding/engagement nagging", which to many men seems off putting, and makes them postpone the engagement even longer, because they think that soemhow there are days whe WE don't think about it. She's just following Mr. Bee's advice as much as she can, and trying not to bring it up unless he does....and if he IS planning some sort of surprise, of ourse, he won't bring it up, either. It's a sucky place to be, to be sure.
I know your post was well-intentioned, and that you weren't out to ake Shirinjoon feel abd. It's really hard sometimes to guage other people's relationships on internet boards when we only hear snippets of usually bad or anxiety inducing things about the posters' SOs.
I'm hoping for the best for Shinjiroon, as she's said he's never let her down about anyhting else, before.
@Isilme: Thanks so much for your kind and supportive words, and your post described my situation exactly. I do have a deadline and he is well aware of it. And you are correct that he has never broken a promise to me before, and I do trust him with all my heart. But the truth is that some things may not be in his control--such as when his parents actually get back to the country, so that is why I am concerned with whether or not they'll make it back. I did ask him a while ago what would happen if they didn't return by July, and he assured me they would. So I'm just going to have to wait this out. I know if he will follow through on his promise to me--but that doesn't make waiting any easier! Thanks for being so understanding :)
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I really value the advice of you ladies so here's something I would like your guidance on:
As mentioned, my SO agreed to a timeline and promised that our parents would meet in July (it's a cultural thing before getting engaged). I know July is 2 months away, but I'm wondering if his parents have returned to the US by now (they've been abroad for months), since he told me a few months ago that it would likely be sometime in mid-May. However, there's no guarantee that they'll be here by June even (long story as to why--I won't get into it). In fact, in December he told me they would get here in March but for whatever reason they never did.
Given this uncertainty, should I casually ask him if they're back now or would it be interpreted as pressuring for the meeting between the families to happen earlier than july? And just a side note: it's unlikely that he'll mention when his family is back in the country since he RARELY talks about them (partly because of past issues his family had with me for no reason--which are resolved now but it's still awkward to talk about them normally so he avoids the topic unless I bring it up).
In all honesty I'm not trying to push him to make the meeting happen earlier than July. Rather, I just want some information--even if it's just knowing that his family is actually back in the country so that hopefully things can go as planned for July. (I don't want July to come only for him to say that they're still not here...I don't want to be blindsided more than anything else). What do you think? I haven't spoken about engagements or anything since late March, so I've been pretty good and don't want to ruin it.