Post # 1
I’m getting really frustrated with one of my bridesmaids. I’ve been trying to get my bridesmaids all together for the past few weeks, and every time I schedule it, she’s the last to get back to me, and it never works for her. She can only meet on Thursdays because she works the weekend shift (Friday-Sunday, 7am-7pm). Thursdays are really inconvenient for me and my MOH, but to try to accomodate her, we’ve made it work.
We were supposed to all get together tomorrow night at 7. She texted me tonite (at almost 11pm!), asking if we could move the time up an hour because she has to pick her daughter up from an appointment at 8. I told her I’d have to check with the other BMs and get back to her, but I didn’t think it would work because one of my BMs doesn’t get home until 5pm, and she lives 45 minutes away from where we’re meeting. Mind you, the wedding is in a little over 4 months, and we’ve yet to even discuss bridesmaid dresses because of her.
I talked to my other BM about it, and, come to find out, my problem BM had told her that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to make the rehersal because she didn’t want to take time off since she’d just started a new position. I was quite upset. By the time of the wedding, she’ll have been in this position for over 6 months. That’s no longer a new position, in my opinion. Plus, if it was a problem, why didn’t she tell me when I asked her?
I’m thinking of telling her that if she can’t make it to the meetings/showers/rehersal, that I need to know so that I can ask someone else. I need to have BMs that are going to be reliable, not someone who backs out at the last minute on everything. Her having backed out at the last minute on getting together has me worried she’ll back out at the last minute for the wedding. Would it be rude for me to ask her to step down? What should i do?
Post # 3
@lilsistam: are you close to her? Do you mind if she only shows up at your big day?
Post # 4
What’s going on with her? Have you made an effort to hang out with her and not discuss the wedding?
Post # 5
@lilsistam: you should do what you feel comfortable with. but, you should also remember that some people have terrible time management and this BM seems to be one of them. If you still want her in the wedding, you should let her know to come to the meetings asap even if she’s late or can’t stay the whole time. As for the rehersal dinner, if she can make it to the actual rehersal than maybe it’ll be okay for her to leave before dinner. If she just doesn’t show up for the rehersal at all and makes a terrible excuse for not letting you know, then perhaps a quick change of plans and asking her to step down wouldn’t be a bad idea . just my opinion.
edit- thought you said rehersal dinner, i see now you meant the whole rehersal. i think you need to talk to her.
Post # 6
I may be in the minority but what do you need a “meeting” for? I dont see a need for a bm to come to anything except the wedding and maybe the rehearsal. My BMs are in 2 different states and work full-time jobs so I try not to burden them. Is there a way you can fill her in on the meeting via phone or text? Or, did you discuss with her prior to her accepting to be a bm what your expectations were?
I would put my new job before someone’s wedding (even my own!) also. I take no time off of work for wedding stuff.
ETA: If you really want your bms around and she cannot be then I would ask her to step down. Just keep in mind that you may lose a friend so tread lightly.
Post # 7
I get that it’s frustrating, but it sounds like she does have really good reasons for not being able to be there. Six months is still pretty new at a job, in my opinion, especially depending on what kind of job it is. I’d try to cut her a break. I had to have my BMs try on dresses separately because schedules didn’t permit them to get together all at once. Another of my BMs, also my cousin, is going to have to miss the rehearsal because her work absolutely will not let her go. She had to fight them just to get my wedding day off. I’ll just print up an itinerary and walk her through it later. Nbd.
Post # 8
@Scar_cats_tic: I’m somewhat close to her. I haven’t known her long, but she’s been a good friend of mine and my FI throughout our whole relationship,a dn she was insturmental in getting us together.
Post # 9
if you think it’s that big a deal, then I guess you could.
It’s really not rocket science being a bridesmaid. Two of mine couldn’t make the rehearsal, so we just had the boyfriends of the other bridesmaids stand in since they were there anyway. It was actually fairly hillarious what their dea of being a girl was. They were flying in from Australia just for the wedding, so I did everything with them remotely, and it was really no big deal.
I think you just have to decide if you’re ok with her participating only on the day.
Post # 10
@AlwaysSunny: I’ve tried to schedule times two hang out with just her, but it’s never worked out. We have to very opposite schedules, as I work night shift Sunday through Wednesday. I’ve tried scheduling times to hang out with her on Thursday nights, but she’s constantly busy with something, so it’s been impossible.
Post # 11
@lilsistam: I guess some people are really high maintanence for their weddings. I have 4 BMs. Two of which live outside of the state. Therefore, I decided on a color, length and material for the dresses. I am letting them get it on their own time and pick out the style (one of 5 options). Also, if they cannot make it to my bridal shower, it’s not the end of the world.
What time/how long is your rehearsal? Can she take a half day off? If you are having an all day event, then that is a little much. Also, maybe she doesn’t have very much vacation time or is on a probation for a little while. I don’t blame her for prioritizing her job over your rehearsal. After all, she will need her job after your wedding.
OP, I would talk to her and see what’s going on. Also, for me, as long as my friends/BMs are there on the day of the wedding, that’s all that matters to me. I would say, cut her some slack, she isn’t your employee, she’s supposed to be your friend.
Post # 12
@gelaine22: I’m having a meeting to discuss dresses and other wedding stuff, as well as so that they can all meet and get to know each other before the wedding. Two of them, the one I’m having problems with, and one other one, are already good friends, so I want them to meet the other one. I’m letting them choose their dress, but I want them all to wear the same style and color, and the only way to accomplish that is to get all of them together. I could fill her in on the meeting, but that would mean choosing a dress without her, and, since we get a discount in ordering the dresses all at once, she’d have to arrange to get the money for her dress to someone. With as much trouble as I’ve had getting a response and getting together with her, I’d be afraid we’d never be able to get the money from her.
And, yes, I did let her know what the expectations were when I asked her. She said she would be willing to help me with anything and she’d be able to meet whenever. Obviously that hasn’t been true.
Post # 13
I very much emphasize with you and had the same problems with people being unreliable. It’s your day plan it in your own way, please don’t let people discourage you in how u gather your bms for support. I voted step down as its better to address her inability to commit to your day now then it will be the week of your wedding like when we had three key players flake on us and caused extreme stress and issues . Trust your intuition, she is not interested in commiting to your event
Post # 14
@lilsistam: I wouldnt have accepted to be in a wedding where I had to go to meetings and stuff and I dont understand why she did if she did not follow through. I also would not want to drive 45-min for a wedding meeting in my free time. However, if that is what YOU as the bride want I say you should ask her to step down. I noticed nobody on the poll voted you should and I didnt vote yes either but I think you should and soon!
Post # 15
@maya2008: My rehersal is at 6:30pm, so it’s by no means an all-day event. And I have not at all been a hugh maintenance bride. My family is not a part of my life, so I have planned this entire wedding by myself, as well as done most of the DIY projects with just my FI helping me.
As far as vacation time, she works for the same company that I do, so I know she has plenty of vacation time, and there is no probation. I’d be fine with her just taking a couple of hours off so that she would be on time for the rehersal. I’m by no means asking her to take the whole day off for the rehersal.
Post # 16
@gelaine22: It is one meeting, and it’s not really a meeting, more like a fun time for us all to hang out together. I was planning on picking out the dresses for them, and my MOH wanted to discuss a date for the bridal shower with us, but the rest of the time was just going to hanging out together having fun. She’s not the one driving 45 minutes. That is my MOH. I specifically chose the place where we’re having it because it’s closest to this BM. I’ve been trying to make it as easy on her as possible.