(Closed) Should I attend?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should we go?
    Both you and your fiance should go. : (20 votes)
    30 %
    At least you should go, even by yourself : (38 votes)
    58 %
    You don't have to go - just send a card : (8 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4528 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I would try to go, it would probably mean a lot to your friend

    Post # 4
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    It really depends on what your fiance feels – I went to the funeral of my partner’s friend’s brother a few months ago. It was a little strange, because I didn’t know the brother at all, but I was fairly close to the friend, so he really appreciated my presence and our support after his brother’s death.

    At the end of the day, I don’t think it’ll hurt to have too many people at the funeral, rather than too few. Obviously, if your fiance can’t make it (e.g. isn’t comfortable, or has to work), then that’s fine, but no one should mind him being there.

    Edit: I didn’t realise you were wondering whether or not you should go. Honestly, I think you should. Like with your fiance – your friend won’t mind having extra people at the funeral, and would really appreciate the extra support.

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    7568 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I would probably go to support my friend. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    12568 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would try to go – it would mean a lot to her.  I think your FI should go as well, as a show of support for your friends as well as for you. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    When my dad died, a lot of my old friends from middle and high school who were close to my dad showed up.  We hadn’t talked in almost ten years, having mostly lost touch after high school, having all gone our separate ways and all, but it had always been this group of like four or five people who’d basically lived at our house for five or six years, and my dad had loved them like his own kids (they’d talked to my dad more than they’d talked to me since we graduated).

    We haven’t talked again since the funeral, but it was really amazing to have them there, because they knew the dad I grew up with and they were really the only ones other than my brother who could share that with me.  I’ll forever be grateful that they took the time out of their days and their days off work to be there, and I’ll never forget that. 

    I’m assuming your friend is fairly young to have lost her dad, so the bulk of her memories will be of her dad as she was growing up.  At the funeral, she’ll be surrounded by people who knew him in such different ways; as a friend, a husband, a son, a brother, an exboyfriend (yes, my dad’s old girlfriend from high school showed up, which was sweet of her- they’d parted on good terms), possibly a father-in-law; it’ll be good for your friend to see someone who shares some of her old memories of her dad.

    So yes, you should go.  As for your FI, honestly, I’d let him make his own call.  Funerals are awkward, I know I hate them and will do anything to avoid them (they’re just not part of how my grief process works), but if he’s the type who isn’t too put off by them, he might want to go to support you.  Leave it up to him.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Funerals are not for the person that died but for the family left behind. You should go (and FI too if he wants) to support your friend.

    Post # 9
    Member
    7772 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Of course you should go!  I can’t think of any reason not to go. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I bet she would be very touched if you went. A few of my friends that I lost contact with attended my grandmothers funeral and it really meant a lot to me.

    Post # 12
    Member
    882 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    The biggest mistake people make when a friend’s loved one passes away is to not say anything, and/or not attend the funeral. Most people are nervous or don’t know what to say, so they do nothing. I’m sure it will mean a lot to your friend if you and your FI attend the funeral. Funerals celebrate the entire life of a person, and even though you haven’t been close with him recently, you were once a bid presence in his life, so yes, you should both attend. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2872 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think you for sure should go.  You’d probably be more comfortable if FI goes too, but I guess that’s up to him.

    Post # 14
    Member
    9956 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I would go… with him, or without him …. truly the choice is yours.

    Best Friends in life are a rare thing… be they long ago or now. 

    Being there for her, if just in your presence will mean a lot to her… especially if now she lives worlds apart (other side of the country)

    We go to funerals out of respect for the dead… BUT in truth it is more for our love and compassion for the living.

    Funerals tend to be tough events for sure… but they are touchstones for our lives.

    So they aren’t all doom & gloom… you guys might have the opportunity to catch up “Sylvia… I am pleased to introduce you to my Fiance Paul”… (Point of Etiquette.. the basic anyhow, when it comes to Intros… always Woman mentioned first.. so introduced to a Man)

    And a chance to reminisce… “Remember when we were kids… and your Dad did this…”

    etc

    No doubt your meet up at this difficult time will be very therapeutic for both of you.

    Embrace your friend, embrace the cycle of life… you both will be richer for it (and so will your Fiance too, if he chooses to attend with you).

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I definitely think you should go and offer your condolences. It would probably mean the world to your friend, even though you aren’t as close these days. It meant so much to me when one of my friends came with her FI to my grandmother’s wake and funeral. I was a mess, and having them there was amazing.

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