Post # 1
My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship, (we met in person but since we’ve been together it’s always been long distance and will be until shortly before our wedding next June). From the beginning of our relationship until very recently we always had a phone call every night for at least an hour or longer even though he doesn’t like talking on the phone that much, as well as at least a couple texts throughout the day. Recently I went to Illinois (where he lives) and spent about three weeks there with him, and we got engaged while I was there..YAY! 🙂 So when I was getting ready to leave he asked if it would be okay if we just talked on the days that he has off of work instead of every day. I do understand where he is coming from because he works a schedule where he works 12 hour days from 10am to 10pm as an engineer in a factory which sometimes entails a lot of physical labor so I understand that these are long days and by the time he gets home he just wants to shower, eat, and head to bed when he has to get back up and work another 12 hour day the next day.
This is perfectly understandable, however, I am so used to when we are apart having a nightly phone call with him that it seemed horrible to me at the time. We have gone with his plan so far, with instead of a nightly phone call he sends me a text before he goes to bed saying goodnight so it’s not like there is no contact, but this has been super hard on me so far since I am so used to having a nightly conversation with him when we are apart. I have asked him if we can talk more often because I miss the nightly contact…especially since we just had three weeks together I am missing him like crazy being apart and he wants to stick with this plan. I know he misses me too and does want to talk but with his schedule he works 3 days is off two days, then works 2 days and is off 3 days every other week…so with this plan he wants so far sometimes we don’t talk for 3 days at a time other than a couple texts in the morning and at night.
Even though things are fantastic other than this, it makes me feel like there is a distance between us when we aren’t talking for a few days at a time. Anyone been in a situation like this? I do understand his viewpoint and that he is worn out when he gets home, but should I accept what he wants and just take some time to get used to it, or does it seem reasonable that we should talk every night like we did before but maybe just for a few minutes to see how our days were and say goodnight instead of for an hour or more like we used to do? Just looking for some input to see if I am being unreasonable wanting to talk every day.
Post # 3
Long distance is a tough path to be on. I have done it before…super super hard. You are not unreasonable to want to talk to him. Its only natrul to want to. You are stronger then me…personally I couldnt do it only talking to my FH every 3 days or so. Shit I can bearly get used to him being on Midnights for 4 weeks and not having him home everynight!
I would bring up your concerns next time. Tell him you know that he schedule is very heckative but this is really hard for you to quiet cold turkey of not talking every night. Ask him if its okay to just do a few minutes every other night. Just before you go to bed. That way you can feel better knowing you talk to him to see how his day was and to tell him how yours was. Dont go into major details….that will take 30min to explain. Keept it short and sweet…then end it with I love you good night! After a week or so of doing this maybe then slowly go back to what he wanted.
A relationship is give and take….and compermises….it should be done on both parts. Maybe he could just give you 15min on the day that is in between the 3 day period if you willing to do a short and sweet conversation! Maybe even do it where he could call you on the drive home from work just to check in.
Its all about communication….just talk to him the next time you are able to for more then 10 min!
Post # 4
Me and my FI were lond distance for nearly 2 years. Finally, I made the leap and moved to be with him, and I haven’t regretted it. I think it is important to have very regular contact. We had a nightly “date” at 9 PM and would chat online via webcam for about an hour. Some nights we weren’t able to get together, either he had a night out with his friends or family, or I did. But I would say on average, at least 4 nights a week we would talk, and every 2 to 3 weeks he would drive the 300 miles to see me, or I would go to see him for a weekend. We reached a point where something had to give, it was just to hard to build a relationship on getting together once or twice a month and an hour of talking every day.
Is there a reason you can’t move to Illinois, now? Planning a wedding is hard without your partner with you. Just a thought.
Post # 5
My fiance lives 8 hours away. We too haven’t lived in the same town the entirety of our relationship. However he does call me every night (he definitely isn’t text friendly) unless he falls asleep as he picks up the phone (Which has happened a couple of times, he even forgets his alarm he falls asleep so fast. It’s insane). Long distance is such a hard thing to handle. However I feel the whole contact thing shouldn’t be something that is planned. It seems like with your best friends you don’t have nightly calls or schedule texts to have a conversation. He may be tired, very understandable! Though I would be dying to hear my fiance’s voice at the end of a 12 hour shift. Maybe suggest just a quick call to say goodnight before he falls asleep rather than the hour long conversations you’re used to. Perhaps this is a compromise? On his days off you guys will be able to talk longer and when he calls to tell you goodnight maybe it won’t be such a strain on his part to stay awake and be emotionally aware of what is happening. My suggestion may be out of line, but I honestly hope it is helpful.
Post # 6
I have actually been in a similar situation. My fiancé and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 6 year now. He will be coming down a week before our wedding and leaving a few days after. I absolutely hate going a night without talking to him. I deal with it when I have to but I still don’t like it. I feel lonely and like something’s missing but I understand that it’s only for the time being. It doesn’t happen very often anymore but a few years back he used to work on an oil rig. He would work 12 hour days (sometimes day shift sometimes night shift) for weeks or months at a time. Sometimes we wouldn’t get to talk for a week or more because they didn’t have a phone at their camp and it sucked.
My suggestion, like others said, try to find a compromise. Maybe instead of a goodnight text, you guys can have a 5min goodnight call; just enough to hear each other’s voices and talk for a little bit. My other suggestion would be to try to keep yourself busy to help keep your mind off of how much you miss him. If you’re actively doing something it’s harder to just sit and think about how you aren’t together. Give it sometime and see how it works out. I know one of my biggest fears during those times was growing distanced and apart from each other but it made us miss each other more and understand not to take the time we have together for granted.
Post # 7
I understand that with his work it would be hard for him having such a long day, but honestly it would bother me. I mean, a compromise of maybe a shorter 15min max call would make me feel better if I were in your situation. I am a big believer in couples living together before marriage so the more time you can spend with each other or at least talking the better! I couldnt ever imagine going a day without talking to DH before we were married. Even when we were BF+GF we spoke everyday so to be engaged and not talk everyday would be hard for me. But if you find it ok then that’s fine! 🙂
Post # 8
I think it’s a reasonable suggestion, but I know I couldn’t do it either. The thing is, a lot of guys in LDRs feel like once they call their SO, she’ll trap him into a long conversation, and if he tries to end the call, she’ll get all pouty and sad, and it ends up being this whole big production. I don’t know if you do this, or to what extent, but if keeping up throughout the day can ensure that you both have a general sense of what’s going on with the other, then maybe you could make a deal that on work days you have a five minute cap on your phone calls. And you have to be diligent, not start any super deep convos on those nights, etc. But if he trusts you to be able to keep it to under five minutes, then I’m sure he’ll eventually be fine with it, and that way he gets a good night’s sleep after a long day but you still get to hear each other’s voices. Maybe that would work?
Post # 9
There should be communication everyday in my opinion. Even if he has a long day he can call you before he goes to bed and have a short talk. It doesnt need to be an hour a pop or anything but 10 15 min isnt going to kill anyone.
Post # 10
How about you talk every other day as a compromise? THen you don’t have to go multiple days without talking to him.
An hour or more a night sounds exhausting. What on earth do you say to one another for that long every night? There’s a How I Met Your Mother episode where Ted is dating someone who moved to Germany and they do what you guys were doing…it was hilarious to watch him stretch for stuff to talk about.
Post # 11
Bf and I are long distance in the summers, and I totally get wanting to talk every night. Bf works 16 hour shifts some days, so he just wants to come home and sleep. That’s taken a lot of getting used to for me, but I had to realize that he works so hard to provide for our future, and he’s doing this for me. We talk on the phone maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so, otherwise there’ll be a few texts throughout the day. It’s definitely been an adjustment.
Anyways, I’d suggest telling your FI how you feel about all this. Tell him you miss talking to him, and ask if you can talk every other day, or ask him to give you a 5 minute phone call every night just to say good night. Hang in there 🙂
Post # 12
I feel for you! I was in a “mini LDR” for 3 months when my husaband (then BF) was in China for 3 months for work. And with the time difference, it made it very difficult to talk daily.
I like you, am one of those people who finds a great deal of sastifaction in speaking or at least have some sort of contact (email, text) with my SO daily, I love it and feel kind of empty without it.
So what about, as a compromise, you guys can at least chat via text or emails every other day that you don’t speak on the phone?
Post # 13
we’re long distance as well (have been for 2 years) and i get where he’s coming from but i couldn’t do that. even if it’s just for 3 minutes, i want to hear my man’s voice every single day. we rarely talk for as long as you’re describing – i agree that sounds exhausting – our phone calls average 20 minutes. so, even if it’s just a “i’m going to bed – good night, baby” i think you guys should do that.
Post # 14
I was wondering–how long have you been dating your FI? That makes a difference in phone call conversations.
The reason I’m wondering is maybe it’s the amount of time on the phone. My FI and I have been together for 6.5 years. We lived in the same town for about a total of 3 years of our relationship. We’re about 5 hours apart right now while he’s finishing up grad school. I am not a huge phone person, and neither is he. We started out by talking every night, for around 20-30 minutes. However, as we have both gotten busier (he is working on his PhD, I am teaching full time and working on a Master’s in the evening), we have let some nights go by where we don’t talk, or we will send a quick text to each other. There are nights where we are both just drained and want to go to sleep. It’s nothing against the other person, we just need that “down time” so we can recharge for the next day.
It sounds like your FI is really busy. If you really want to talk to him those nights, maybe try a shorter conversation. I wouldn’t be too worried about cutting back on the phone time, as long as he doesn’t seem distant when you’re talking to him. I do miss my FI on the nights that I don’t talk to him, but a quick text message or two always seems to help that.
Post # 15
Thanks for all of the input everyone! I had tried talking to him about it and he didn’t see it as a big deal…guess I just hadn’t relayed it well enough to let him know it was very hard on me. So, after trying to talk about it on the phone a couple days ago I sent him a text last night explaining that I didn’t need to talk for long, but just wanted to be able to talk for a few minutes every day just to hear his voice and see how the day was, say goodnight, and I love you. He called me back this morning and said it was no problem and that he hadn’t realized it was bothering me that much and that we could definitely talk for just a few minute every night with a longer conversation on the days he doesn’t work.
Oh and yeah we are going to have to be in a long distance relationship until next May at least, because I am in school. I do all of my classes online, but I have two classes I am going to have to do that require an internship in a daycare or preschool and I am going to have to do it in Kansas. I was planning to move to IL this summer, but then found out they changed the rules for these classes so I am going to have to be here. It stinks, but we’re making do with it for now…and really the time will fly by once school gets started again and I have something to do.
Post # 16
I have totally been in this situation. Except we are both American but during our LDR we lived in separate countries and with work and time change we maybe only talked once or twice a week. I know it’s SO hard because there is SO much you want to tell them, and rely on them for, and you end up feeling really lonely sometimes.
I spent a LOT more time in prayer and after few long months have discovered a lot of progress in my independence and self confidence. Because when we can’t rely on them we’ve got to do it on our own, right?
So even though it’s crazy hard, and I would never wish it upon anyone. Just know that there are people who totally know how you feel and that finding hobbies and friends and all that really does help! It’s great that he listened and changed the plan based on what you need! Guys can seem so much more independent than us sometimes (or at least that’s how I felt–like I was super needy all the time and he was totally calm)!
If you love him (and i’m sure you do) then it will all be worth it and you’ll never take each other for granted!!!