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So, I'm going to say what you probably don't want to hear. I think you're overreacting. I've been in a ton of weddings, and when I get the save the date, I don't run to text or call my friend to tell her how cute they are. Does that make me a terrible friend? I didn't think so.
You said these girls are there for you for all of the important and big stuff. I think you're being a little too sensitive about this. It's ok to be excited about your wedding and all of the details! But, everyone has very busy lives, and they can't be as excited over every detail that you're excited about. They do live 2 hours away, and I'm sure they thought they were cute when they received them. So, I wouldn't write them off as being terrible friends just yet.
You may be over reacting a little.
I just got married in July and my BM werent very "thrilled" either..I mean they had a shower and did the whole stagette but they didnt call over every little detail and get excited...cause well....they will never care as much as the bride does. I was hurt though and took it personally.
THEN i was MOH in a wedding in october and she sent me her invited and I was like "sweet" but didnt call her or anything, hosted her stagette, but didnt go to the shower, i didnt even call to see how it went. Thats when it donged on me that I was acting like my BM in my wedding...which is ALSO when i realized...no one cares as much about their wedding as the bride...Did i change my attitude, no...cause i didnt care that she put a ribbon on her invite...but when she called me and talked about it...i acted SUPER thrilled...
I certainly do not expect each of our guests to contact me about this. I guess I just thought that my BMs would be excited... I'm not writing them off as horrible friends by any means. I guess I just wanted someone to share the excitement with besides my FI and mom.
I've gotten many STD's too and never thought to call the sender up and mention them, and I think I'd be less likely to do it if I was in the bridal party.
I think you're being overly sensitive too.
I think you are overreacting.
Nobody will be as excited as you for your wedding. Not a bridesmaid. Not your mom. Nobody.
Make sure that you are doing this to make yourself happy, and not to have everybody fawning over the different aspects of your wedding. A wedding isn't about how many people you can impresss, it's about marrying someone you love. Even if they were very impressed, I'm sure they would think that to themselves, happily put their STD on the fridge, and get on with their lives. It's just a Save the Date. Just keep reminding yourself of that!
Personally, I don't call or text when I get a STD or invitation. If I happen to talk to the person I'll mention it but I wouldn't go out of my way to. But that's just me.
I agree with @Baileyh, while your BMs are apart of your wedding, it isn't THEIR wedding.
I bet if you called to talk to them, they would be more excited about it. They probably just didn't think it was a call-worthy occasion. Your feelings aren't Bridezilla or anything, you just want your friends excited, but sometimes people just aren't on the same page. Try reaching out to them and see if they're a little more excited :).
I think you're just having a bad week and letting things get to you. If your friends have never been in a wedding they probably don't understand the excitement you're getting from all this. They probably don't mean to be blowing you off, they just don't realize how big this can feel when you're the bride.
If you take a step back, its just a note announing your wedding date. They already know this. Getting a card in the mail isn't news to them as it may be to some of your other guests who haven't heard as many details yet.
When weddings roll around, everything gets elevated and put on a pedestal. Cute invites to any other party aren't as big of deal. True, weddings are more important than most parties but even if they're your dearest friends, its not their wedding and they're never going to share the enthusiasm completely. They just don't understand because they've never been in your shoes.
My chattiest BMs are the most recently married ones since they're fresh on the heels of their own weddings and full of advice. Others are pretty silent on opinions. I don't let it influence me either way. I send them all the same group emails so they're on the same page. Some respond endlessly, others don't.
Perhaps, before your next exciting thing you can try a group email that says what you're up too and pose a small question you'd like their advice on. I always ask my BM's random questions "would you eat grits?" "are hydrangeas ugly?" Nothing too time consuming but kind of prodding them to get talking about your wedding. I found that once one of my maids sends a reply all, eventually they all start replying.
Also, you may go above and beyond like your FI says when it comes to friendship. Some people are like that. My mom and sister are card sending, care package making crazies who love to do nice things for people and constantly pick up small things to send friends when they're reminded of them. I'm the worst, I barely remember birthdays.... I don't love my friends any less, I just don't show it the way they do.
BTW - the bees would be super excited if you posted a fun photo of your STDs!
Maybe just a little.... but take into considration a couple of things: Were the girls really excited when you told them you were getting maried? Were they really excited when you asked them to be BMs? Have you discussed wedding plans or the like with them already? If you answered yes to these questions that could possibly be why you aren't getting a super excited response out of them. If they've already acted happy and excited for you they might just genuinely not have thought about doing it again or are "all wedding out" lol. Do you know what I mean?
You're obviously going to be more excited about your own wedding than anyone. I bet your girls are excited, they just aren't jumping up and down. This isn't something to be worried about. If they've expressed their happiness for you and are pleasantly taking part in the wedding you should be happy!
I think your overreacting as well. I have been in a number of weddings and never have I called the bride to comment on how cute their STD's we're. I also would never expect any of my BM's to comment on mine.
I also must add that just because they are part of your BP, does not mean that they need to thrilled about your wedding. Sure, I was happy my friends were getting married but was I overjoyed by the whole thing? Absolutely not. I also dont expect any of my BM's to be giddy over my wedding either. They'll show up and do their job and thats really all I can ask of them.
I certainly would not be upset over something like this and I definitely do not think your friends are taking advantage of you, based on the things that you have described.
I'll join in with the others. I didn't really get any calls or texts when I sent out my STDs. It was a little dissapointing until I realized that I probably wouldn't have called or texted either, it just wouldn't occur to me. Did you show them your STDs before you sent them? If you did and they already gave their opinion, they probably didn't think there'd be anything more to say.
At the end of the day, you can expect your BM to host your shower and bachelorette, as well as be there for you on your wedding day, but not a whole lot more. You certainly can't expect them to feel a certain way or act a certain way throughout your entire engagement. I mean, you can, but you'd only be setting yourself up for some major dissapointment.
Some things in life are just out of your control. Someone else's feelings towards your big day is one of them. Once you accept that, your wedding planning process is sure to be a lot more enjoyable!
Sorry, but I also think you're overreacting.
The sooner you expect your BMs to just get their dresses, show up and party with you on your wedding day, the easier planning will be. Because then when they do comment on something, it'll be a nice surprise. That's all that's really required of them, anyway.
As others have said, no one will care about your wedding as much as you.
As brides, we care about our own weddings more than anyone else ever will. I doubt it even occurred to them to call! I know I never did, even when I was in the bridal party. I think I mentioned to FSIL that I liked her invitations the next time I saw her, but that was it.
I know it can be difficult to be so excited about something, but for most people save the dates are just functional. We do these things (the DIY, the little details) for ourselves after a certain point - otherwise they'd just be plain black and white text.
To me, that's what sites like Weddingbee are perfect for - people here are actually interested in what we're putting into the details!
Only my oldest sister (MOH) commented when she got her STD. Others mentioned it to me the next time they saw me. I do see where you are coming from about the lack of excitement and I think it definitely has something to do with the fact that they are unmarried, and your FSIL sounds like she is either a bit selfish or jealous or both. She should at least show you the same courtesy that you showed her. But there is still time, your wedding isn't until April so I think at this point you are over reacting a little bit.
I think you have the right to feel what you feel and shouldn't need to poll a group of strangers to know if you should keep feeling that way...BUT, I have to say that I have never received a STD and then called the couple. STDs do not really require response. I'm sure they ARE excited for you, but nobody else is going to be as excited for your wedding as you are. I don't think they bahaved poorly. I'm sure they're excited, but they're probably also busy continuing to live their lives. If they weren't happy for you, they wouldn't be spending $$ to put on fancy clothes and throw parties in your honor and stand up beside you on your day.
Hey
I am writing to validate your feelings because i think its totally natural and understandable how you are feeling. that being said, i also don't think you're BMs are wrong. i had a very similar experience. i sent out my STDs by email and in them included a link to our wedding website....which i had worked hard on for so long and i am so in love with my website! so i was SUPER excited to send out the STDs. i got a ton of replies from guests who hadn't even known we were engaged yet, but NOTHING from my BMs! and i felt exactly how you did. i was hurt and i didn't understand why they couldn't write back to say they got it, or what i was really hoping for was for them to immediately write something on my online guest book about how excited they were for the wedding - NADA (ok i am being harsh, i have 6 BMs and ONE of them did all these things....she was a former bride herself so i knew she understood, plus its in her personality to get excited over these things).
anyway, after being upset myself, i had to analyze the situation and realize i was over reacting (like everyone here is saying you are). i told myself that i was over reacting so i wouldn't be so upset anymore and eventually it works. then you just need to focus on the fact they are your BMs, they will be there at your wedding, your shower, etc. if you ask them to do wedding stuff with you, they will do their best to make it. they ARE happy for you....so really, does it really matter that they didn't call you about the STD? but i do get it how it feels. since then actually, i just get excited about things for myself and since i don't expect it from them anymore, i don't get upset. i sent my invitations in the mail a couple of weeks ago....same result as STDs - guests emailed me to tell me how pretty they were, nothing from my BMs...
I'm not sure if I feel comfortable saying that you are "overreacting" to the situation itself, because I think what's going on is more the issue of the emotions behind the situation, and not feeling like those are being validated in the way you'd like.
I know how exciting it is to have all of this wedding stuff happening, and I know how special it feels to have others share in your excitement. Conversely, I know how dissapointing it is to have others NOT share in the excitement.
Yes, I agree with others that maybe the BMs don't understand how exciting of a situation it is, never having been there themselves, though I think it is dissapointing when they're good friends, especially ones with whom you've been supportive to in the past.
If possible, I'd try not to let yourself get TOO wrapped in the situation itself, because it is possible that you and your BMs have a different sense of etiquette and sensability when it comes to sharing excitement. I think though your feelings are your feelings, and I don't think you need to listen to anyone who invalidates them.
I'm going to take a chance to be in the minority, but I'd be a little hurt. Something similar happened to me with my MOH & BMs. The only call I got was my 8 year old niece telling how pretty my invite was. (I wanted to have a little mixer for the bridal party and parents for everyone to meet.) They didn't even call to RSVP, let alone to acknowledge the work I put into it! So I understand how you feel. I wouldn't call them out on it, but it's okay to be hurt for a day or two.
Are your friends married? I'm 24 and the first out of my female friends to get married, and I can sense that it has been a 'reminder' to some of my friends that they are still single or still not engaged - i.e. we have had many "why haven't I met someone??" conversations lately! And I think it can make people truly anxious.
Maybe you're in a similar situation?
I've been very low key about all my wedding and associated events, and I don't gush too much about my fiance, because my friends have known him for years and love him. I try to frame the wedding and all events as a chance for all of us (i.e. including friends) to get together and eat, drink, dance and party again and again!
I've never called anyone about a save the date-although i know how you feel. When I sent mine i really wanted everyone to call and tell me how awesome they were, but my sensible side told me they just wrote the date on the calendar and threw them out. lol.
I think your BMs probably didnt call because they werent suprised to receive them as the already know about the wedding and know the date and all that. It would have been nice for them to call and say they got it, but the fact that they didnt call doesnt mean that they dont care
I don't think you are overreacting at all. It's totally natural to feel excited and want others to be excited and it's always discouraging when your friends don't respond the way you'd want them to. I would be sad if no one called or texted me about my invites (I didn't send out STDs). It's totally fine, just know that people will all come around in "their time". Lots of people don't get excited until they feel the wedding is "close" hehe. I remember some people weren't excited at all and then suddenly something kicked in and they cared when the date got closer. It's just different for us ebcause we think about it 24/7. Be patient and they'll come around. And if some people are selfish and continue talking ONLY about them, then stick with the people that ARE supportive in this time...you truly find out who your supportive people are during wedding planning.
And by the way you sound so sweet and caring. I would probably agree that you could be selfless to a flaw...my husband tells me that too. And it was hard for me to realize that people wouldn't change during my wedding planning. I had to really learn how to let go of my expectations for others (we always think that since WE would be helpful, why aren't other people?) and really cherish those people that were there for me...and still are!! Thanks @judithsr!!! hehehe ;)
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Hey Bees!
I need some of your wonderful advice. I've been stuck in a rut all week because I do not feel like the people in our wedding party are very excited about our wedding. All of my BMs, except for one, who is my FSIL, live over 2 hours away. We sent out our save the dates last week. I was SO excited about them! They were super cute and I was just thrilled. My upset comes because not a single one of my BMs has called, texted, or anything about receiving it. I have gotten emails and phone calls from several other people about how they got them and about how excited they are for the wedding, etc. But NOTHING from my BMs. I guess I just wanted a phone call or something. These girls have been my best friends for years and I can't imagine not wanting to share the excitement.
This is really hurts my feelings because I am a great friend to all of these girls. My FI thinks that is part of the problem. When I mentioned to him that I was upset, his first reaction was, "Well everytime they call you and everytime you talk to these girls, everything is always about them and whats going on in their lives and the problems that they are facing. They are use to it being like this." He said it has been like this for years and that I am just too selfless. He thinks that I am selfless to a flaw. Is that even possible?! I love helping people and hearing about their lives. I truly get fulfullment by helping others. My friends and I really don't talk about me often... and I am okay with that. Besides this wedding and some family drama, my life is pretty uncomplicated. I work full time at a hospital and I am also a full time student. I also don't do very well being the center of attention. The idea of being the center of attention on my wedding day actually creates pretty bad anxiety.
In many of these girls defense, they have never been part of a wedding before. The only one who has ever been a BM before is my FSIL. So maybe they don't know how exciting it feels to be sending out something to all of my guests annoucing our wedding date. My FSIL is another story. I was a BM in her wedding and was totally supportive throughout her entire engagement. We went to FL for *one* of her bachelorette parties (she had 2 and I went to both,) I attended all 3 of her bridal showers (I even threw one of them), and was always up for hearing about her wedding planning. I bought my dress a few weeks ago and she hasn't even asked what it looks like. Ouch!
These girls are my best friends for a reason. They have always been there whenever I needed them and I love them all to death. I know that they love my FI, so it isn't that they aren't supportive of the wedding. I just want them to share in the excitement with me... and it isn't happening. We've almost been engaged for a year. The planning didn't really start until 2 months ago, so it's not like I've exhausted the subject with them. Maybe I just haven't talked to them about it enough?!
Do you guys think I am overreacting? I've been pretty emotional all week about this. Is my FI right? Am I just too much of a selfless person that even my best friends take advantage of it? Please help!
Thanks in advance and I am sorry for the long post!