(Closed) should I be worried ?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

I would be worried that he didn’t want to help support your family. If he won’t talk to you about the situation, maybe you could do a few couples counseling sessions to figure this out.

Is he also good at computers? Maybe he could get some kind of IT job. When my FI was hesistant to go look for a pt job (he is a student but we needed the extra $) I thought about the skills he has and things he likes. Then I sat down with him and said something like “Ok honey, we need some extra money and these are some jobs I think you would be good at/enjoy. What do you think?” 

In our case, my FI didn’t really understand our situation so I also sat down and showed him our budget. 

Post # 4
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am very worried that he doesn’t want to help with the financial support of your family.  First you start out working 2 jobs and then what’s next?  You working 3?  That is completely unfair.  I would sit him down and show him how much money is coming in and what the bills are.

Post # 5
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

I would be very worried.  I don’t understand why  he doesn’t work.  Is he going to school?

Post # 6
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That would be a definite red flag for me and not just because he doesn’t have a job but because he ignores you when you try to talk to him about an important issue that is no doubt causing you stress. Is he aware of the bills and the fact that he has basically drained your savings? I think he needs to stop free loading. I would tell him that you 100% support his idea of writing a novel but you can’t do that if you’re homeless and broke. I would also mention that you feel a bit used since he isn’t even using his time to write the novel. Instead of just right out of the gate accusing him of that I would ask to see what he has done and see how much progress he has made because you’re so excited and supportive. I think he needs to be told that he has to put the novel aside for his spare time and to get a job to start contributing to the financial situation. If talking won’t work, try counseling. If that doesn’t work then I think you need to seriously reconsider if this is the person you should be marrying because it’s unlikely that his behavior will change post wedding.

Post # 8
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Eek!

Have you tried talking with him about it when he’s NOT playing xbox? I know … maybe that’s a silly question. But the guys I know tend to be pretty single minded (not good at multitasking) and wouldn’t be able to hear/participate in a discussion like that while they’re doing something as absorbing as playing xbox.

He definitely needs to start pulling his weight, so schedule some time with him to realistically talk about your finances as a couple, and what needs to happen and when. It’s been great of you to support his artistry, but you have to eat, and if the novel is not progressing, then he doesn’t have much of an excuse for not working!

Post # 9
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that sitting him down and giving him a reality check would be very reasonable. It’s unfair and selfish of him to have only you working. You are getting married and there needs to be team work and support, there is no way around that. I have a few friends that are writers, so I understand him needing to focus and be alone and the whole writer vibe thing. However all the writers I know have some sort of income coming it be it by tutoring, dog walking or whatever they have to do. Why does he not work?

Post # 10
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

just read that he doesnt go to school…

If you can’t communicate about this with him without him blowing up on you then this is a MAJOR problem and you need to really think about if getting married is a good idea. I truly hope that things work out for you.

Post # 11
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Tell him straight “our money situation is really bad” and explain exactly how bad.  Then tell him while you want to support his dream of writing a novel, it is no longer financially feasible for you to go on supporting the two of your by yourself, and you need him to get a job.  Stop beating around the bush and hoping he will volunteer do to something which you already told him he didn’t have to do.  Tell him calmly and without placing any blame that the situation has changed.  Don’t focus on the past or why he hasn’t worked up til now, instead try to focus the conversation on your future together, and why you need his income to start to rebuild your savings.  If he is understanding and goes out to try to find a job- great!  If he refuses to do his part and put your needs as a couple before his needs as an individual, then you have a problem.

Post # 12
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

ya def explain the situation to him, if he’s not already understanding that. but if he is, then he really needs to step it up, thats not fiar that you have to work while he gets to sit at home. i respect that he’s writing a book-thats awesome but if its not paying the bills- he needs to get a job and help you out.

Post # 15
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

hate to say it but if he is getting defensive and doesnt want to get  a job-its not gonna change when you get married. HUGS this is so unfair to you and maybe you have to question if this is the type of guy you want to marry. he doesnt want to support or help you now- whats gonna change in the future? He has to change- and he has to want to change. No matter how much you want him to change he has to…. and you deserve someone who is gonna support and help you!

Post # 16
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

He can always get a job like waiting tables or retail or something, and then after he has the job mention he needs the time off for the wedding.  If they won’t give it to him, he can quit and get a new job after the wedding.  At least then he would have had about 9 weeks of work (and pay!).  Think about it- if he works part time (20 hours/week) at minimum wage, for 9 weeks, and then couldn’t get the time off and had to quit, he would still have made over $1000.  What could you do with that money?  Then he could find a different job once he got back.  Or maybe they would be fine with letting him take the time off, and he would have a job ready and waiting for him after the honeymoon.

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