- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Hopefully this doesn’t get too long but I’ve been going back and forth on this since I got engaged. I have no respect for my dad as a person, and do not feel
like we have a family relationship. I don’t think I want him at my wedding, but it seems like a strange thing to not invite him when he knows it’s happening.
If you have time to read this and offer insight, I would appreciate it.
Let me explain:
He has never been much of a dad at all. Very detached parent that growing up only pushed us to be successful and yelled at us if we didn’t do well. When we
became old enough to contribute to the family business, it was like all personal attachment was gone. It seemed like our value to him was what we could offer
We had a small family business which my sister and I started to work in when we were both 8 and 9 (home schooled). We were paid of course. Between ages of
14-16, I worked between 80-100 hours every week. I remember in 2007 I had 4 days off in the whole year, including Christmas. I was not allowed to take
weekends off. This may seem like child labour to some, but we were all owners which means those laws do not apply and we were compensated fairly.
When I was 16 I’d had enough. I was miserable. Crying every other day over something. I begged for time off, even a day off a month would have been enough
for me. I wanted to be able to have friends and something of a normal life. When I wasn’t allowed the day off a month I asked for, I left. It was clear that
my mental and physical well being did not matter, just the contribution I could offer the business. Leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me –
that’s when I met FI!
I didn’t speak to my dad for 3 years. There was just nothing to talk about. We had no relationship before then, and there was no reason to try to make one
after that. I did not exist to him because I was not part of the business. Fiance encouraged me to attempt having a relationship with him, so when he would come
into town (he moved overseas when he left my mom – which is a whole nother crazy story and one of the reasons I lost respect for him) I would suggest we all
go out to dinner. We tried this a few times but it became so frustrating that I’ve since given up. During a 2 hour meal, he would not ask a single personal
thing about me or my Fiance. He was always given opportunities and when he wouldn’t talk, I would try to update and fill him in on stuff. We were buying a house,
and he didn’t ask a single question. Seriously, he never asked what Fiance did for a living or where we were buying our house. He only said ‘buying a house is a
bad investment and the housing market will crash, so it’s probably a mistake’. When he met FI’s dad, he did not make any effort to learn about him or find
out about his life. It’s not that he doesn’t like these people, he just hates people in general and if you are not another business owner or someone who can
somehow improve his business, you have nothing to interest him. I honestly can’t remember the last time we had a personal conversation.
Sadly, circumstances have me working in the family business again, but mostly with my sister. This time around I am an employee, not an owner. I work 40
hours a week and do not work weekends. It’s exactly what I need. When he is working in town, we barely talk. Again, no personal exchanges. If I am having a
personal conversation with my sister right next to him he will ignore it or change the subject to work related. We are on a business trip in Asia now and I
am fed up. I have been working 10-12 hours a day for 20 days straight and being around him is making me feel ill. His personality is toxic, his behavior is
childish and unpredictable. If something that a normal person would brush off irritates him, he will rage. Yelling, spit flying, red faced rage. We were in a
taxi and a work discussion set him off and he just went out of control. His behavior is so off-putting that I am actively avoiding spending any time with him
outside of the work related stuff, which means I choose a 50cent cup of noodles alone in my room over a $20 dinner at a decent restaurant so that I don’t
have to be around him. I can barely make eye contact with him or look at him. I feel like I need therapy after being exposed to him for prolonged periods.
Our relationship is beyond repair. We are doing a reception only wedding (private ceremony). Do I invite him to my reception out of courtesy? I don’t know if
I want him there. Unfortunately, I will be seeing him semi-regularly for the next 8 months leading up to the wedding. Plus, I will be inviting my uncle (his
brother) and my grandma (his mom) because I am much closer to both of them. Do I just suck it up and invite him but try not to talk to him? I don’t even know
what I would say to him. I am afraid that he might do or say something that will upset me such as completely ignoring my FI’s family, most of whom he has
never met. What if he turns the dinner conversation towards work or business? What if something makes him angry and he starts berating me or my sister at my
wedding? What if he leaves immediately after dinner because he’s feeling tired and antisocial? Actually, that would probably be a good thing. As much as I
have tried to let it go, I feel so much pressure when I am around him. I don’t want to feel this way on my wedding day.
Help me, Bees! If you have read this novel, what are your thoughts? Can you offer me any insight?