Post # 1
I’m having trouble coming to terms with some things in my relationship with FI.
Some back story on him — He never had a stable parent growing up, and his first marriage ended when his first wife financially ruined him behind his back in a matter of less than 3 months.
So here’s what’s been going on… am I in an abusive relationship or is he simply afraid because of his past?
A couple of examples:
- I got a dr bill at the house. He opened it and proceeded to call my dr and ask when the payment was due, if I was behind on payments, etc. He told me about it after my dr’s office called and told me they thought it was weird.
- I got a phone call reminding me my first student loan payment was due in 2 weeks. He proceeds to call the student loan agency back and grill them just like he did the dr’s office. Again, they called me to tell me about it.
- I can’t do/buy ANYTHING for myself without it being questioned… whether its getting an $8 eyebrow wax or buying my first pair of shoes in the last YEAR. I make my own money AND contribute quite a bit to our household. WTF.
I’m starting to dread our wedding and I’m wondering if I’m making a huge mistake. Besides the weird money control issues, he is a good partner who is supportive, helps me around the house, cooks, is affectionate, etc. I just can’t wrap my head around the money control issue. We are beginning premarital counseling in November, but I just don’t know if it’ll be enough.
Help, please 🙁
Post # 3
I think think the writings on the wall. You need to go and get counseling by yourself to see what “YOU” want out of this relationship and to make sure “YOU” are not making a mistake, because these things will not go away, they will only get worse. And you are right, we do want a partner who’s understanding, encouraging, and supportive. I say good luck, but before you say “I DO”, make sure!
Post # 4
Wow I think that he needs some counseling. Him calling YOUR bill companies and grilling them is obsessive and crossing a line. He needs to get past what his ex did and trust you not to be the same person.
Post # 5
I would not be with someone that controlling. I think that his need to control you through money is a scary symptom of greater problems. Relationships should be a partnership, not a one way street. You are a valid equal who deserves to make your own decisions about spending. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce, and quite frankly, your FI’s actions are scary.
Post # 6
It seems like you already have a good handle on what’s going on. You seem to love him and want to be with him (which is good, but his behavior has raised some concerns for you (which is bad). That you’re going to counselling is fantastic. If Dec. 31, 2011 is your actual wedding date, then it looks like you have some time before your wedding to figure things out and see if you can resolve the financial control issues. Good luck!
Post # 7
Where are you doing your premarital counseling through? If it’s not someone who’s a licensed MFT or MCSW, etc, I would think about trying to get into some more focused couples counseling. Or can you start the premarital counseling earlier, if it is with someone you think would work? This sounds like something that would be a dealbreaker for me UNLESS he really acknowledged the problem and committed to working on it. If he thinks it’s totally normal behavior, I would be worried.
Post # 8
You talk to talk to HIM about this.
Tell him how it makes you feel that he wants to be so controlling over your money. You said his ex-wife ruined his finances, he may not even realize how this makes you feel for him to want to be controlling. In his mind, he’s probably Mr. Fix-It and just trying to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again; but not thinking about how that makes you feel and that you are not his ex-wife.
Have a sit-down discussion about finances, what both of your future goals are for money/savings/retirement, make a budget together, etc.
Post # 9
It’s a huge, but not insurmountable problem. IF, that is, he is willing to acknowledge that it is completely unacceptable, controlling behavior. If he can’t see that or doesn’t care, you need to end it, because he will make your life hell.
Post # 10
I would seek a marriage counselor here. He has a bit of an overbearing issue w/finances and control imho.
This would be maddening to me.
But the real issue isn’t about him super duper penny pinching, it’s about the control, which over time if left unattended and not corrected, could lead to other negative problems.
Post # 11
i’m sure he has some underlying issues as anyone would… don’t break it off yet. give the marriage counseling a chance. you never know. maybe he doesnt realize how crazy he’s being about finances.
Post # 12
Yeah, definitely start counseling as soon as you can. My husband is kind of frugal with money as well, but he still isn’t controlling about the money I make and I don’t have to answer to him about everything I buy. Your shouldn’t have to either, I can definitely understand why he would be so worried if his ex gave him so many problems, but you aren’t his ex and I think he needs some help getting over it.
Post # 13
I would sit down with him and see what the deal is. Let him know that you’re not comfortable with him calling and grilling your doctor’s office, student loan company, etc. See if he’s comfortable talking about these issues and figuring something out. If he is, great. If he’s not able to talk about it with you and come to some solution (or is at least willing to talk about it), then there are bigger problems. No one should have to account for every single penny they spend. You’re making your own money and contibuting to the household and he shouldn’t be questioning everything you spend. Do you guys combine your finances?
Post # 14
The only situation his behavior would be acceptable would be if you were constantly emptying the bank account without his consent. If you are a team and have a jointly agreed upon budget, niether one of you should be acting like this towards the other. Yes, he might prefer if you do your own eyebrows to save money or not buy new clothes (your old ones are just fine according to him, right?) but he should trust that you’re an adult and can spend $ how you see fit, assuming you don’t run to vegas and spend it all.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park
If it’s honestly only isolated on financial trust, not ANYTHING else (i.e. sexual, emotional, physical) then I think proceeding with counseling would be a wise choice. It sounds like he has good reason to be worried, and is dealing with his issues (albeit not in a good way). My advice would be to seek both premarital counseling, and also consider financial counseling. This way, you can set up your accounts to be transparent, and he can feel safe. You can outline all the budgets so he clearly sees what goes in the bank and what comes out. Then, you can both set up some “fun money” for each of you every month. That way, he knows you get a couple hundred bucks to spend the way you want, and will get off your back. He won’t feel so uncomfortable about frivolous spending when he knows it’s always the same amount each month.
Post # 16
My God, yes, you have a serious issue. And I don’t know that it is specifically money, he has a serious issue with TRUST in general. The money is just the catalyst.
I would be very fearful and would insist on counceling. Are you planning on staying home iwth children in the future? Because your life is going to be hell if you do that later, but don’t get help now. We’ve all heard stories about women who have no money to buy things for their kids because the husbands hid it all and won’t give them any to take care of the simplest of household needs. Also, what if, God forbid, you get sick or injured and have to rely on his income solely? You will not be in a good position to buy even a tube of toothpaste without permission.
I would definitely say that this is not an issue that is going to go away without help.