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I'm sorry you are going through this, but were you having these feelings when you all decided to conceive?
No one can answer whether you should break off an engagement except you. However, I would suggest focusing on some bigger goals and "finding yourself." It sounds like your pretty young still - what do you want to do with the rest of your life? What are you passionate about (and not just your SO)? What do you want to accomplish in 5 years, 10 years etc? If you don't have those answers, you may need to do some soul searching.
And understand, I'm young too (23) and just recently got married. I really had to take time to make the effort to figure out what I wanted from life too (I'm finishing a doctorate degree in a field I love and am very passionate about. I have a pretty good idea what I what my career to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years etc).
It sounds to me like you idealized who you thought he would be in a relationship, and it's not what you expected. In the end, you're marrying HIM, not who you hope he will be. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about where you see yourselves, how you both feel about marriage, etc. Be honest with him and with yourself - if you're moving too fast, it's better to realize it now than when you're already married. Good luck!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to be treated this way, and you definitely shouldn't be marrying this guy unless he does a serious 180. Have you talked to him about counseling? You have to put your foot down and let him know that you cannot continue to be with him unless he grows up and treats the relationship like an adult relationship.
Sorry you're going through this, it's not nice when you love somebody, but you feel you're not getting back what you deserve. Ask yourself if you're happy and go with that.
but i feel like i shouldnt be crying this much.. that i shouldnt be questioning how much he cares
You are absolutely right about that. You poor thing -- you sound really young. I don't say that in a nasty way -- in fact, even though you sound very young, you sound like you are absolutely getting it about relationships. The ring is just a ring unless you are sure about each other.
How old are you both?
Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days to clear your head? Someone supportive.
I am really concerned about his leaving you for several days/nights whenever you two have an argument. That is very immature and worrisome behavior, especially since you're home worrying to death about him. Then he doesn't have the decency to call you or check up on you and his baby? Hmmmmmmmm, not cool at all. I'm not going to say break off the engagement, but his actions are making me not view him in a good light, sorry hun. You need to stay healthy and stress-free while you're waiting on your son to be born, so please take care!
Yep I think you need some time away from him. You said it yourself: you're always the one who makes amends, the one who says sorry. You need to know if you matter enough to him, if he really wants this relationship right now.
So sorry your pregnancy has all this other stuff going on around it! Please try to eat well and look after yourself right now. Not just for the baby, for you as well.
Audz made a really good point there. At his stage in your pregnancy, he shouldn't be going AWOL. What if you needed him? Selfish boy.
To me it sounds like this relationship was so idealize in your head because you have wanted to be with him for years and years. Now that the reality of you being engaged and having a child together is on him, you are seeing the way that he really is. Really, I think you need to consider leaving him, doing what is best for you and the unborn baby. It isn't going to be good for either of you to have someone around who is so immature and runs away every time you have an argument. At the very least, you need to consider getting into couple's counseling now to see if these problems can be resolved before you go any further.
Im so sorry you are dealing with this....
The leaving thing is NOT COOL. he cant just skip town for a couple days every time he gets mad you know? I hope that you all are able to work through this but IMO i dont think he is ready for the big commitment of "getting married" yet because he doesnt even know how to work through a disagreement. and remeber, marriage doesnt change people so he will still ahev his same bad habits regardless...
good luck!
I definitely think that your FI should not be leaving you alone for days while you're pregnant and not even calling to give you peace of mind. That is not right.
You need to be as stress-free as possible right now in your pregnant condition. I remember reading an article that said baby boys are more vulnerable to stress hormones. I hope your FI comes home soon and is open to working things out with you. You're health is very important, and it does seem that he is disregarding that fact, like it just does not occur to him.
It is time for him to look at your relationship as an adult and step up to the plate. I am so so sorry you are going through this. :( Stay strong, do what you can to work with your FI on understanding each other more and listen to your heart. You're the only one who can make the decision to break off your engagement. Definitely keep putting realistic and rational thought to it, as it seems you are doing already. And do a lot of things that make you happy!
I'm going to have to chance being in the minority. But you must be my cosmic sister because I went through this with my first husband. Like, exactly this. I couldn't buy milk because he was out of cigarrettes. I couldn't get deli meat b/c pre-sliced was cheaper and then he could get his eyebrows waxed. (I so wish I was lying about that.) But you can see where I'm going with this.
That said. I'm going to be super un-supportive right now and tell you what I wish someone would have told me.
GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW! You are not his mother. You will be a mother very soon and it's not his. Your baby is going to consume your life (and I actually mean that in a good way) and you will find that you will get less and less patient until you finally reach your end.
Whose house/apt is it? If it's yours, pack him up. He spends so much time not there, you can only assume he decided that he doesn't want to live there anymore.
Please take this time to be selfish and think of yourself and your baby. Pretty please... <Hugs><Hugs><Hugs>
Signed,
Someone who knows.
Sweety i am so sorry.. i know what you are going through.. my ex-husband was in the marine corps, I was also pregnant, and i swear he would purposely pick fights with me and disappear... i found out later that he would be ot getting drunk with his friends, try hitting on girls, and finally i found out he cheated on me. I'm not saying this is what your FH is doing, but honey he is hurting you, and that is not good especially b/c you are pregnant. I had a miscarriage with my would be second child b/c of the stress placed, and even then, he refused to go get medicine for my sick infant.. instead, i had to call a friend to drive 45 min just to go to a store and drop off child medicine b/c i had no car, a baby with a 106 fever, and a husband that was out doing whatever he wanted to do..
After my miscarriage, i finally had enough and left him. it was a very hard decision, but i realized that i always questioned his love for me, i was always crying, and i wasnt happy anymore. i completely lost myself in our failing marriage. if you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me..
it was very tough for me to leave with my son... but sometimes things fall apart for better things to come into place.
No, like he wanted to try so bad.. and I kept telling him no I didn't think he was ready & i was like really all about keeping my body in shape.. and things were just going so good that I just kind of fell into the idea.. and i guesss when that happened is when i actually got pregnant (around valentines day & our anniversary) then he started thinking about what I said and was like maybe youre right.. and then i actually found out i was pregnant and didnt know how to tell him because he understood where i was coming from when i was scared of the idea.. but i mean he was happy and we both weer happy with it once we actually sat down and talked about it. & i tought wow this is gunna be so great.. and i feel bad because all ive had are doubts this whole time and everyone said pregnancy is supposed to be such a great experience.. and i feel like he ruined that for me by acting this way..
All I can tell you is that marriage absolutely never resolves issues you had before marriage, or changes your partner in the ways you want him to change. Think about the relationship you have with him right now. Is a relationship like that something you want to have for the rest of your life? If not, then it would be a really bad idea to marry him.
& see the thing is is he doesn't talk to me. When I try & talk he tries to get me to just "move on" like te situations just going to blow over. & I've tried the "give him a piece of what hes giving" and he throws a HUGE fit and I'm like see you don't like it now do you? And he goes "two wrongs don't make a right" and i completely understand it doesnt make a right.. but i thought maybe he was one of those "have to be in the situation to understand it" kind of people so i tried it out. its just funny how when he gets it back its so bad.
& as for you that say the running away thing makes you think bad of him..
He never actually gets up and leaves.. it's when hes already out that he just doesnt return home. & usually that would be when hes at work or at army drill.. so i know where he is.. he just doesnt come home after.. which also scared me.. because its like well where is he sleeping then? but most of the time he runs to his grandparents house, which is two streets over.. and i mean (i know this sounds bad) i know hes there because ive driven past before to see if his car is there.. i mean that sounds bad on my part, but hey i needed to reassure myself that he wasnt out cheating.. thats the last stress i need while pregnant. I also have all of his passwords, so i know hes not messaging other girls or anything.. and he doesnt have any in his phone.. actually three girls are blocked on it because he knew them even having his number bothered me.. i made him change his phone nmber too actually. & like he doesnt ever hangout with any, anymore. He used to back when we first started dating until he realized how much more we fought, and how much he hated me around other guys.. we pretty much just dropped hanging out with the opposite sex just to make eachother 100% sure neither of us had anything to worry about.. because being young.. people dont respect relationships.. and although i am the most faithful girl, ive had close encounters where boys tried to make moves on me.. and sometimes its hard to avoid. like if someone plants a kiss on you completely unexpected you cant change that.. and thatlll make less trust in a relationship no matter whether you kissed back or not.. (this didnt happen im just saying our view on this cuz ppl say were immature for giving up hangning around the opposite sex without eachother around)
I literally find out everything, he doesn't have many guy friends.. and i know his brother & his grandparents adore me.. so i find out everything eventually.. so im pretty sure he hasnt cheated.. he just pushes away.. and i dont understand why.. like he knows if we argue at home well just turn away in bed, ill do school online & hell watch TV and an hour later well be all cute and joking again.. but its like when hes gone he refuses to TRY? Like he literally wouldnt answer his phone for me today and i called and then he turned his phone off.. like wow.. i left him a comment on facebook since i couldnt tell him to him directly.. i was like "you have a pregnant fiance you should NEVER turn off your phone." He never ever answers my phonecalls, he will only text.. (i mean like hed call on break at work and stuff occasionally, but like if I were to call his phone he wont answer) but hell answer others? I just dont understand.. I dont get how he can be SO loving on the days were not fighting, and then be SO incredibly heartless for so many days.. its like hes not capable of being nice and respectful for long time? Like hes on a timer or something? & he would NEVER go to counseling i can almost guarantee, if he wont talk to me i know he wouldnt.. if i ask him to do something he takes his good old time and does it late.. but if its something HE needs to do he has to be early.. its like wow how selfish can you be? I am 19, and he is 20 (21 in 3 months). I find it funny that I am way more mature than him and ready for a bigger commitment.. and hes almost 2 years older than me.. it should be the opposite way around!! I'm 19 im expected to be a party girl in college bouncin from parties to clubs .. but instead im trying to start a family and move forward in life!
Part of me hangs on because i feel like weve gotten worse because hes just scared of such a huge commitment all coming at once (like our marriage plans got taken over by baby plans and both of them together might just be to much.. but he wont say it or anything no matter how much i ask) i feel like he wants to run away cuz hes not really ready to deal with it.. like he WANTS it.. but hes not READY for it.. do you get what I mean? I feel thats it.. and thats why i keep forgiving him.. but its like on repeat and i feel like now that ive forgiven him so much that hes gunna hurt me constantly cuz he knows ill always forgive him.. they say some men change when they actually see their baby.. that its kinda like "cold feet" while the pregnancy is going on.. im hoping seeing his child will change him as a person.. i always say "you cant do this once theres a kid, i may be dealing with this shit now.. but not then.. its one thing to hurt me but you will NOT hurt my son" and he always says "i will never leave that babys side" when i say that.. pretty much trying to say that hes only doing it because he has nothing stopping him right now.. which makes me feel like maybe he doesnt care about me.. that maybe hes just pretending to for the kid.. but he doesnt take any responsibility for the kid like paying for anything or planning anything at all.. so its like he shows mixed emotions. This is so incredibly hard. (We live at my house, well, my dads.) Which is why im surprised he pulls this because hes making himself look SO bad to my father and sister. But after my mom passed away this June I felt like i couldnt leave my dad, and we want ourown place but i asked him if we could wait until after the baby is born just so we have the money to buy everything we need first.. i dont wanna put to much on our plate at once to pay for.. and he agreed so he moved in.. but kept half his things at home and still goes there everyday when i work.. and sleeps there when we fight.. and actually yesterday night I told him its one or the other.. he cant have his things in two places.. this isnt a half and half deal.. either he lives with me or he doesnt.. its immature to stay at both places.. were either serious or were not. & he uses the excuse theres no room for all his army stuff in our room and everything usually but before he could say it i was like I have a basement, and you can put everything that wont fit in our room downstairs so its here for you, so theres no excuse.. and all he said was "ok".. and then had to go back to work and hasnt talked since or came home.. its like i just told you no more staying there yet you didnt come home? obviously he isnt taking me seriously.. he like agrees to things and says he understands but then does them anyway and says "i didnt do anything wrong".. & like i texted him so mad and said to just get all of his things.. and he wont even do that! Like he literally will not come home but he wont move out.. like i dont get what he wants!! its ridiculous! I mean if i literally forced him to while he was here he would, but he wont come here to pick up his things because he expects me to let it go whene he finally comes home.. its messed up and I just get so mad that I feel like throwing all of his things out the window. & the one day i got so mad and told him to leave and he told me to give him the ring and he like fought with me over it.. and im like no, you gave it to me your not getting it back.. its your fault you agve it away when your not ready ill sell it and buy the baby stuff you never paid for.. and like he ended up stopping fighting with me and didnt even leave.. he just has like pissed off rampages.. and like ill tell him to take anger management and hes like i dont need that shit fuck you.. and its like well that response in itself proves you need it! the way he drives when we fight is crazy too.. im like you have a 7month pregnant woman in your car watch how your driving you idiot! but he just doesnt care.. when hes mad hes full on mad.. and then when i dont say i love you anymore after a fight (just becaue i feel like he doesnt deserve to hear it, not because idw.. cuz i do love him.. and i feel like crying when he says i love you and i dont wanna say it back) and i can feel how he grabs me tighter and breathes differently.. like you know he feels bad.. and hell apologize and say he didnt mean it.. that he just says thngs when hes mad.. but it just happens so much its like you should be able to control yourself by now.. i could understand if it was occasional.. but its not. its often.. and he always calls me a bitch and say i complain to much.. but its like im teling him my feelings and that hes gunna make me mad if he does something.. and he does it anyway.. so hes the one who causes me to complain.. it all starts with him.. i mean i know i go over the top when i get mad but hes the reason i get mad.. its because its the same thing on repeat that its like he should know better.. and i feel like he doesnt deserve to be in my sons life if hes not helping prepare for it? Why should he get to enjoy the miracle if he couldnt help through the hard part? I mean i know that would punish my little man in a way, not letting his father be around.. but i know in my heart that i would give him such a good life that it would be like he had two parents.. because im one of those people that likes to surround myself with something.. i could be around him everyday and be happy.. itll never get old.. and that way my little guy will never have any problems, the only problem hed ever have is being loved to much.. and who can complain about that? id choose being loved to much than not enough anyday!
Sorry you are going thru this but you should move on. You do not need to be treated like this and deserve better. You are not even married yet and I believe it may even get worse. You will find someone else at an unexpected moment and that prince charming will sweep u off your feet.
I'm going to go with RobynB and say this straight out- get the hell away from this relationship. There are so many red flags being raised by what you've said I don't even know where to begin. I know it's hard with a baby on the way, but you need to do what is right for you. Your baby can still be raised with two loving parents even if you aren't together.
Please realize that many men do NOT change when they have a child. Unfortunately, the issues you are having now will likely continue after the baby is born. Just like getting married - behaviors don't change just because there was a ceremony. Weddings and babies don't make thing better - they can actually make things worse because it places more stress on the relationship.
Behaviors like name calling are never acceptable. This alone would cause me to doubt whether being in a relationship is a good thing. With everything else added in, this is an unhealthy relationship that's not good for you or your child-to-be.
Also, most 20 - 21 year old men are just not ready for marriage. The average age that men marry is typically (statistically) older than the age of the woman (in the US, 26.8 for men and 25.1 for women).
You're only 19 and 20? My lord, both of you are way too young to be trying to have kids! You're still kids yourselves! I understand that accidents sometimes happen but to actually try to conceive? Honey, you have your whole life ahead of you, why why why would you want to have a child and give up your youth while you're still a teenager? I know it's too late now, I say this in hopes that you're not going to go out and try to get pregnant again in the next couple of years. One child is certainly enough for a couple of your maturity level.
I beg you not to get married right now. It's too late to go back on the pregnancy, but it's not too late to go back on the marriage. I know some Bees get pissed off when people say this, but in your case it couldn't be more true: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED. You allowed yourself to be pressured into having a child, do not allow yourself to be pressured into marrying. Again: you have your whole life ahead of you! And it's not even about you now anyway, it's about your child. Everything is now about your child. He comes first. The environment your FI and you are in right now is not healthy for him and he deserves better.
I know this is harsh, but it sounds like you need a fair amount of tough love here. I have serious concerns about your judgement thus far. You sound like you're at the right maturity level for your age, however, a 19 year old lacks the maturity to be making the kinds of life choices (marriage and motherhood) you're making! Concentrate on being a mother right now and providing the best possible life for your son (an absentee father and a home life filled with petty arguments is not the best possible life for him.)
This man is bad for you and will be worse for your baby.
More than anything else, children need two things: love and stability. It will do harm to your child to have parents who are constantly fighting, a dad who doesn't come home when he doesn't feel like it, etc.
Please, please, please, focus on building your own life and your own future to provide yourself and your child with a stable, loving home life. You both deserve that.
When you are planning to get married, your partner and you HAVE to be on the same page about what you want in both your lives. Looks like he is not on that page.
You two seem very young and it seems like the BIG CRUSH that you had in school is not that great in a relationship. Having a crush is liking the idea of being in a relationship with someone. It isn't reality.
My little story, I was engaged when I was 21, to my first real boyfriend. I was still in school, didn't really have my own life and was not even close to being a wife. The relationship ended a year later. It was extremely hard for me because I had to make a new life for myself with what at the time seemed like nothing.
To each his own, but I feel like your 20's are very important. The person you are in your early 20's is the not same person in your late 20's. Remember that.
If you're describing something like this on an online forum then yeah, you should probably consider breaking up with him because you probably know that you should.
The fact that you won't break it off with him because you're afraid he won't come back to you should raise massive red flags.
Not only does marriage not resolve problems, it magnifies them by 1000%.
This guy is not going to get any fans on here the way you keep describing him!
Please take it from me because I have 15 years more experience than you: this relationship is doomed! He has major anger issues, calls you a bitch, and tells you to fuck off. Please don't let this emotional abuse escalate into physical abuse. I'm not saying this is definitely going to happen, but the signs are alarming.
It really may not seem like it now, but you have sooo much more life to live. Each day you are going to learn more about yourself and the whole world. But you need to make your top priority now making sure you and your baby are safe and happy, and that means getting away from this boy who doesn't put you guys first at all. Stop trying to convince yourself that you love him and that he's the right guy for you. When you do finally meet the right one, I guarantee you that you won't be writing stuff like this online for us to bash him about. Be strong, and make the right choice that in your heart you already know! *hugs*
I agree with the PPs. What's done is done with the baby, but you don't have to go through with a marriage you feel may be a mistake just because there is a little one coming. Next time you must try your hardest to keep them in the proper order, first the wedding and then afterward the baby! There's a reason most people prefer it that way - because it is easier to end a relationship when there isn't a child involved. But you can still do it. You just need to stay strong and know that you deserve a healthy, supportive relationship.
This man... is not a man yet. Becoming a father often doesn't turn a boy into a man. When a boy is too young, he'll be too young for quite awhile. Hopefully he will be ready one day, but not for years I would imagine. It's not your responsibility to stay there and endure his behavior and wait for him to come around. It's scary, especially when it seems like being with him has been your goal all your life, but you have the courage to step away. Take care of yourself and your baby first of all, and let your FI grow up on his own.
The fact that he doesn't come home is just as bad as if he walked out, in my opinion. If my FI didn't come home, you can bet he wouldn't be my FI anymore. Marriage is all about communication and if he stops coming home when you guys disagree your marriage will not make it. Also, the fact that he calls you names is a huge red flag. I understand he is the father of your child and your FI, but he sounds completely immature and this relationship sounds extremely disfunctional and unhealthy for all involved. You want your son to be in a healthy environment and this man is nowhere near what you need right now. My advice would be to think about moving out and moving on. Somewhere out there is a man who will communicate with you and won't just not come home and will treat his fiance and the mother of his child with the respect you deserve.
You two obviously don't trust each other (not having girls numbers in his phone)...that is childish...you cannot make a relationship work without trust. What would you do if you worked with other men, he'd get mad? And what if he works with other women, you'd make him quit his job? You need to get out of this relationship...too young.
I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but your boyfriend's behaviour is pretty normal and predictable for a 19 yr old who has found himself facing marriage and kids. Even if some days he gets caught up in the romance and excitement, I'll bet that other days he freaks out. His anger is an expression of that confusion. If he was older, (and maybe belonged to a helpful community like weddingbee who can give good advice!), he might have realised that it was better to tell you honestly about his feelings, and to talk things through. But I imagine that he has no real way to process his emotions and is flip-flopping through a mixture of excitement, guilt, love, terror, responsibility and fear, and it is all just bursting out of him whenever he is challenged.
I'm inclined to agree with most of the bees here, and say you need to find yourself, get clear on your own direction for life, and focus on developing a secure and emotionally stable home for your child, which will probably be separate from him. You are lucky that you still live with your dad and sister, who will give you the support that you will certainly need.
But when you talk to your boyfriend, try to remember and understand what he is going through. You never know, perhaps if he feels understood and supported by you, he may remember what it is that he loved about the relationship in the first place.
@EvaBostonTerrier: I couldn't have said it any better.
You need to focus on YOU and now YOUR BABY. All this worrying can't be healthy for either of you! Are you able to move back home with your Dad or grandparents or move in with a friend for awhile? Maybe staying at the home you share with your man is preventing you from being able to sit back and really think about all the positive and negative issues going on in your relationship.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I will try to share some advice with you based on my experience. I was engaged previously for 3 years, I got pregnant and my engagement ended after 3 weeks. My FH at the time, seemed to think that since I was pregnant I would let him treat me how he wanted or say what ever he wanted to say to me. And just like you, I wanted to have a child with this man! I left the house one day and went to my mothers house and I just went into one of her spare bedrooms by myself and I cried, and cried, and cried. And when I thought I was done crying, I cried some more. I rubbed my stomach and said "we'll be just fine without him." See, being a great mother has to start before the child is even born. I felt like I couldn't let my little boy see me losing my cookies over his dad. So I called that piece of sh*t baby daddy and told him to get out. He didn't want to leave, but when I told him that as long as he is there, I'm not coming home... Eventually he left. With the help of my friends and family and A LOT of prayer. I raised my son pretty much by myself.
He didn't realize at the time what I wanted and what I needed as a mother, and as a woman. He found out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He had to learn how to treat me & I had to learn that I don't need to settle for less than I deserve just to say that I have a man in my life.
After all of that, would you believe we are back together now! 6 years later, but he has a different level of respect for his son and I, & we're planning our wedding this time! It's truly amazing how realizing your own strength can make things turn out for the best!
I would not stand for anyone who didnt come home just because he was mad. That is manipulative and wrong. I would seriosuly consider whether or not marriage is the right step for you at this point..
I'm sorry that he is treating you like this. You definitely don't deserve it. I think you should seriously consider ending the relationship. If he is leaving home for days at a time because he can't deal with a fight while you are pregnant, he is going to do the same thing when your baby is born and if you get married. Honestly, I think the baby will probably make him run out even more. He sounds too immature and young to be dealing with a marriage let alone a child. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your baby. That is what is most important right now. Stressing yourself over the fact that he is not coming home is not good for you. If I were you, I would change the locks the next time he pulls something like that.
From your posts, it sounds like you had dreamed up this person that you thought he would be and you are now unfortunately seeing him for who he really is. He may have even helped you by pretending at times that he was the person that you thought he was, but at that age, you get caught up in the romance and don't realize the true impact of the decisions that are made. You said you waited for him through multiple girlfriends, but did you see how he treated them? Did he treat them the way he is treating you now? From my experience, at 19 and 20, no boy I dated had marriage or babies on the mind and they acted almost the same exact way as your FI is now. They want to go out and have fun, not be tied down.
Also, I may be in the minority here, but I'm thinking if you check his phone, know all his passwords, drive by places you think he might be, etc. that you may have trust issues with him. Has he He may feel a little overwhelmed by that behavior. While I am not condoning his behavior whatsoever, I know that if someone ever did that to me, I would honestly feel smothered. I think you may have some trust issues that you need to take a step back and look at.
Good luck. I hope that it all works out for you and you do what is best for yourself and your baby. Virtual hugs.
Wow. Everything that you have posted is screaming at me that you need to get out of this relationship now. I don't know your fiance so I'm not going to judge him as a person since we are only hearing one side of the story, however it definitely sounds like this relationship is not a healthy one. As wrong as it is for him to yell at you and be verbally abusive, its equally unhealthy for you to be, for lack of a better word, stalking him (checking online accounts, driving by grandparents house, checking phone, etc.). I agree with PPS that it sounds like perhaps you developed an obsession with this person when you were quite young and as you grew older, instead of growing out of it, you became fixated on it until it became a reality. Do you have family nearby that will be able to help you with your baby? I really think you may want to consider some counseling ON YOUR OWN so that you can figure out some things about you. I don't want to sound harsh, but it really sounds like you've created this fantasy in your head and now that it is sort of becoming a reality you don't know how to cope with the fantasy and reality not lining up.
Also, it doesn't matter whether or not he walks out or stays out, he is making a choice to not be home with you, his fiance that is carrying his unborn child. I find it extremely hard to believe that he is just hanging out at his grandparents house innocently. It just doesn't make sense. I almost feel like if he knows you have a tendency to check on him, he knows to have his friends come pick him up. I'm not saying that to scare you but you can't control every little thing.
I really and truly wish you the best of luck and hope that you will keep us updated, as I think you've got all of us concerned for your well-being.
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Okay so this has been tearing me apart ..
I have loved my fiance for so long, like even in middle school I knew.. which I know sounds crazy for being so young, but I honestly waited through all his relationships for him to realize we belonged together. I just knew in my heart by our friendship and the way we acted and how much closer we got over the years that we were meant to be.. but it took SO long to finally start dating.. as of right now its been A year and almost 2 months since weve been officially dating.. and since weve known eachother so long it wasnt long before we said i love you and were already talking about getting engaged.. but heres where this tears me apart..
Since we were so open about talking about it he kept saying "on our 6 months baby im gunna buy you a ring with my army bonus (which is 7 grand)" and he kept saying it.. and i was SO excited, and then when he got it.. he didnt buy me a ring.. ): Instead he bought his dads motorcycle.. i was crushed.. i was like honestly breaking a promise that big was worth it for a bike you dont even have a license fo anyway? & for a while i was so hurt but I didnt leave him.. but in every fight i couldnt stop bringing it up.. and one day he sold the bike and said there are you happy? but i wasnt, i mean i was.. but i mean i didnt have the ring, and just knowing that was more important still hurt.. and i couldnt let it go.. and like months passed and he kept saying how he had no money after that to buy one, but he did want to get engaged.. but he would buy useless things like car accessories and computer accessories that couldve easily added up to enough to buy a ring.. or even make payments on one.. i told him i didnt want an expensive one being so young.. i didnt need some 5000 dollar ring to be impressed.. it was the symbolization of the ring that meant something yanno? & time kept going and i just was so hurt by all this that i sstarted to argue more over little things because i felt as if everything he did wrong was because he didnt really care about me.. i mean i dont know his true feelings, nobody can ever know exactly what someones thinking.. but just i felt like it so much after he lied about something like that. He proposed on September 9th, which was 7months after the "promised day" and i feel like he only did it to make me happy.. like i feel like he did it to make me stay because he knew i was questioning hislove and whether i should leave him.. and t6o be honest i was going to.. until he proposed and i felt like he really did love me.
we were GREAT for 2 weeks, and then life went back to normal.. he went back to his immature ways.. when we fight he ignores me, or gets an attitude and mocks me or like smiles and laughs like im stupid.. if hes not home when a fight starts (like something through a text) he wont come home.. and hell just stop responding completely.. and sometimes hell go days.. like this weekend.. i havent seen him since Thursday morning before i left for work.. nor have i talked to him besides like 3 texts of him saying he couldnt talk right now.. its like im your fiance, and you live with me.. how could you not come home? how could you not call to tell me what your doing or when youll be back? like its not like a one time thing, he does this weekly.. and i just dont understand.. I love him SO much but i feel like i should leave him because he seems to not care.. i mean on the days hes home and were not fighting were GREAT like ive never been happier than those days.. which is why ive held on for so long.. because i couldnt imagine life without him.. but i feel that if i dont leave hell never stop treating me like this... and people say if i leave hell realize he messed up.. but god knows how lng thatd take and im scared hed go back to his old ways, or be with other girls.. and i couldnt handle that, i just lost my mom, and im 7 months pregnant with his baby that we planned.. and it making it so much harder to let go to find out if hed run back. whenever we fight im always the one that says sry im the one who keeps bugging him until he talks again days later.. i honestly dont know how long itd be if i just literally didnt ever text him.. to see how many days he could go without me.. i just dont get it.. the one day he brought up what r song should be at the wedding.. and i almost sat there and cried because in my head im thinking that there really isnt going to be one because hes treating me so bad.. i cant marry a guy who treats me this way.. ive tried to tell him whats bothering me, and he tells me i repeat myself contsntly but its like if you fixed it i wouldnt need to? im so confused.. its like he loves me one week but not the next, like a pattern.. its just so confusing and idk what to do..
I thought I woudl be so happy being engaged to him because its all i ever wanted.. in highschool 2 of my top 5 goals were "Get married to him", "have a little boy together".. like it literally had his name on the assignment.. and we werent even dating!! I just knew in my heart thats who I always wanted.. and i still feel that way, that hes the one because of our good days.. but i feel like i shouldnt be crying this much.. that i shouldnt be questioning how much he cares.. like i always wanted to be where i am today, but i never thought id feel this way.. i guess my dreams came true, i got what i wanted.. i just never asked for the happiness involved in both.. i guess thats my fault for not making my dreams specific.. he doesnt take me seriouslyt when i tell him im not sure if i can be with him anymore.. because ive ran back so many times and he knows how much i love him that hes so over confident that ill always be there that it seems as if he takes advantage of me... that he knows he can do whatever he want whenever cuz ill always forgive him.. but im tired of forgiving him.. its one thing if you mess up on accident, but not when i tell him ill get mad and he does it anyway.. which is always the case now.. if he truly loved me youd think if he knew id get mad he wouldnt do it.. but idk.. maybe my expectations are too high? i just dont know what to do..
ive been crying the past 2 nights hess ignored me and hasnt come home.. just twisting the ring around my finger because i dont awnna take it off, but i feel like i have to.. i feel like im lying to myself, like were not really engaged.. because he doesnt treat me like we are.. the ring is just an object.. it doesnt change anything.. its his actions.. and hes stilll not growing up.. and its hard because i dont think hes ready to be a father either. i knowwwww he loves the idea of his son.. and always talks to my belly when hes actually around, but he doesnt buy anything for it.. hes selfish.. he continues to buy car/computer things and blame it on having no money cuz his bills.. but he just doesnt wanna use his money on anything but what HE wants and what HE can enjoy.. and it makes me feeel like neither of us mean anything to him.. and i feel like i need to let go even though itd break my heart completely.. )':