(Closed) Should I break off the engagment?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

if you have even the smallest doubt in your mind (and it sounds like you have a LARGE one), you need to take a step back and not rush into anything. it is so much easier to end an engagement than a marraige. you should talk to him about it. does he know how you feel? would you consider counseling?

chances are, if you feel like there is something out there that’s better for you, there probably is.

good luck sweetie!

Post # 4
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Clover8:Gosh I REALLY feel for you hun. But it sounds like you are very unhappy  and If I were you, Id think long and hard about marrying this man. Maybe a vacation is in order to search your soul and clear your head. I wish you all the best.

Post # 5
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

I had a child with a man like this. Based solely on what you have written here, I’d say leave. If he is making you feel “worthless” now what about when you are pregnant? Will he call you fat? What about your future kids?

Post # 6
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

To help get yourself on your feet, why don’t you get a job? If financials are one of the biggest reasons you are hesistant to leave, you need to fix that asap.

 

Post # 7
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I would get out.  It’s absolutely going to be hard, but I think it’s what you need to do.  From what I can tell he is very calculating and has put you in a position where you feel like you can’t live without him.   You are 24 years old with no kids to keep, you should not be completely financially dependant on him. But he knows that you are and that’s why he treats you the way that he does because he has you in a position where you feel trapped so you stay and put up with his behaviour.  The person you described does not sound like someone who will change so I don’t think its worth you time to try.  I would move home, get a job, and get back on your feet.  Once the hard times pass I think you will see it as the best decision of your life.

Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh wow. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this situation. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do, but you’re having a tough time making yourself do it. He is not the right person for you if he belittles and demeans you. Some might recommend counseling, which you could certainly do, if you wanted to try and make it work. But in my experience, a person who can be “mean” like that (I would go as far as to call it cruel) isn’t going to change.

I know it might suck to have to move back in with your parents, but you’ll eventually figure out a way to make it on your own again. It’s far better than signing yourself on for a life of sadness and regret with a man who does not make you feel good about who you are. And yes, of course you’d be sad for awhile after leaving him – I really can think of few breakups where both parties aren’t torn up over it for awhile. But to me it sounds like you know in your heart that he is not the one for you.

Post # 9
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Clover8: You answered your own question.  24 is not “older”.  You’re unhappy.  Get happy and leave him!

Post # 10
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

your post worries me.

no stranger on the internet can tell you what to do. what’s your gut?

please go see a counselor. it sounds like there’s some emotional damage, and a counselor can help you figure out if it’s best for you to stay or go.

don’t stay in a relationship just because it’s easy. if you have to move in with your parents again, so be it. it would only be temporary.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Clover8: I think you need to ADDRESS the issues instead of hitting the highway.  Do you love him enough to marry him?  Is it more than the issues you listed that makes you doubt him?  I would suggest couples therapy.

Post # 12
Member
671 posts
Busy bee

This is really scary.. He has a bad temper.. he tries to make you feel like you are worthless (this controls you emotionally), you are completely dependent on his money..doesn’t sound like he even gave you a credit card (controls you financially) the only thing he has yet to do is control you physically.. and god knows that is coming next! i have little respect for men the berate women. I am totally ok with traditional gender roles too.. but I would never marry a cave man. 

Post # 13
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, I’ve gotta say this… If you don’t break up with him now… you will later.. it may not be till your 30, 40 or 50 and by then you may be so shaped by your “roles” and the way he treats you that you may feel even worse about yourself or have a harder time finding your independence. 

I was engaged when i was about 20 and he was great, never did anything wrong, but i was soooo young and didn’t feel i was stable myself yet, so i ended it and yes, it was very very hard. 

Now years and years … and years later, i have the most wonderful man in the world! If you have doubts now there is a good chance you will have regreat later. 

 

Post # 14
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You should have a serious convo with your FI about your feelings.  You have to be honest.  Tell him what needs to change before you will marry him.  I had some of the similar problems with FI, and he’s gotten a lot better. 

See what happens, but if he dosn’t change you need to do what will make you happiest.

Post # 15
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It sounds like you already know what would be best for you, you just need to work up the courage to do it. I would also second PinkPinstripes’ advice to find yourself a job. Get yourself into a good financial position so there’s one less variable weighing in on your decision.

I wish you strength and courage.

Post # 16
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay. Without knowing you, and without knowing him, here is what I advise, as a stranger on the Internet: 

Do not marry this man. Get out. Get out now.

“For one, he has a temper, and sometimes he is just really really mean. He will criticize everything about me, to the point where I just feel like I am worthless.”  Good for you for realizing that you are a worthy person. You are. And NO ONE should make you feel “worthless” or be mean to you. Especially the man that you marry. If he is critical and mean to you now, it will NOT get better after you get married. 

“He feels its not his job. He makes the money, I do the housework. I feel like a maid, and I feel like he is lazy.” Traditional gender roles are one thing; making you feel like a slave and taking you for granted are another. And in “traditional gender roles” like, back in the 1950s, the way it worked was yes, the man would go out and make the money, but then he’d come home and fork over most of it to his wife. Why? Because she was the one buying the food, the cleaning supplies, paying the electrician and all the rest. So she DID have some control over the finances (I doubt, for example, that half those husbands had any idea how much their own mortgage was!). And either way, if he respects you and respects all the work that you do, then he should not only kiss your feet and thank you every day for the contributions you make to him and your household, but yes, he should also pitch in. 

Frankly, from what you’ve said, this sounds textbook for the beginning of abusive behavior. What this man is doing, without you realizing it, is isolating you, slowly but surely:

-He is emotionally isolating you by trying to make you feel worthless so you don’t feel like you’re worthy of love. This can progress to you not feeling like you’re worthy of help or compassion at all. 

-He is physically isolating you by assigning you to a “traditional gender role”–that’s not to say that all housewives are isolated, but a lot of abused women are because that way, they have very few social outlets beyond the relationship. If you have nowhere to go except your parents–no friends in California, this suggests that you are already isolated. 

-He is financially isolating you if you are completely dependent upon him for money. 

It IS possible to leave. I’ve broken off an engagement; I survived. You will survive too, I promise. Don’t be afraid to leave; don’t be ashamed of going back home. You CAN always go back to California. You CAN get a job and solve the money problem. And you CAN and WILL find someone who loves you completely and makes you feel confident and happy. I know it’s hard to think about the difficulty and inconvenience of leaving, let alone the emotional problem, but please believe me, you will be okay. 

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