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If you are not 100% happy getting married, i'd say that's a damn good reason to put it on hold and wait. It has to be your decision to call it off, but your FI's behavior sounds a lot like an ex boyfriend's of mine. I dropped him pretty quick and was much happier in the long run. Is there another reason his attitude and lack of desire to help you around the house is suddenly surfacing? Maybe depression or something that can be treated? i personally would not be a happy camper if i was in your situation, either. At least you have started counseling, it's a step in the right direction. I say you wait until things smooth out a little bit. I hate to say it, but sometimes hindsight is 20/20 and you want things to get better before you get married. I'm sure lots of people will say things contradicting my opinion, but the fact that you are already considering calling off the wedding says something to me. I wish you luck, I can only imagine how difficult of a sitaution you are in pulling in all the bread and working all those hours and not having a whole lot of help at home. you can only take so much before you spread yourself too thin, also!
PS the anger issues concern me greatly. I know people fight, but there is a point that verbal anger can easily turn into physical anger. Be careful!
If you are having doubts serious enough to prompt you to post this question, then I think the answer is yes- you have to postpone until things are worked out.
Are you happy right now? You say you love him, but are you happy? Are you ready to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want to have children? If he won't clean up after the cats or cook a meal, do you think he'll help with child rearing?
If you were my best friend I would tell you to call it off entirely or postpone it and give the couples counseling a chance. If counseling works, your relationship improves and you are in a relationship that you would be happy with for the rest of your life, then start planning again.
I think you know the answer to this question in your heart and you are just here to hear that you're making the right choice. Trust your gut instincts. Postpone.
Sorry you're going through this. I'm wishing you the best.
I agree with ejs4y8. I think it sounds like you are not thrilled to be marrying him, then it may not be the right choice. It does sound like he has a lot of issues currently and the anger is definitely a red flag! Have you sat down and talked with him directly about what's going on? Could he be depressed? I know sitting at home looking for a job can be extremely frustrating especially if nothing is coming out of it. I would try and find out the source of his troubles, and maybe even suggest counseling.
Yikes, this is a tough situation and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I think it is great that the two of you have started couple counselling... it definitely seems like a step in the right direction and will help you get to the root of your problems.
It definitely seems like there are a multitude of things on his mind... maybe he should start some individual counseling as well? I'm not sure... but it definitely seems like there are deeper issues and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for it.
Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Big hugs!!
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SOOOOOOO Sorry to hear you are going through all this. I have to say though that first off I would definetly put the wedding on hold for a while. I think yes that you need to get these things worked out before you jump into a marriage with him. I know it is hard when you love someone.
I was married once before to a man prity similar and ended up divorced because eventually the anger gets worse and each time the yelling gets worse and in a lot of cases gets viloent like mine did. If a man can't take responsibility for his actions and man up as you put it to his problems then he is not ready to have someone else in his life. you are going to need him and he isn't going to be there. Believe me I went through all the same feelings as you right now and I just wish I wouldn't have married him and look now I have the best fiance in the world and is very very supportive and we have a relationship TOGETHER. It is not one sided and that seems to be how your relationship is.
I am glad to hear you are doing the counseling you never know. But definetly hold off on the wedding for a while and truly truly you deserve to have a man that wants to love you and cherish you and support you. One who will put as much into the relationship as you do. Just remember that you are a very special person and you deserve someone to be good to you.
I am always here if you need to vent or just need a non biased opinion:) I hope this helps and I will say a prayer:)
I completely agree with ejs4y8's post. if your gut is getting you to consider calling off the wedding, then that says something! If anything, you'll definitely want to put your wedding on hold. Continue to go through counseling and see how that progresses. If nothing changes in your FI's attitude, then I would think there is definitely something wrong. Like ejs said, he may also be dealing with depression or some other condition, and it has to be hard on him to have no job and being unable to help in supporting your household. Hurt pride can definitely be playing a role in his actions and attitude. But definitely be careful with his anger issues. He may not hit you, but if he is hurting you emotionally and verbally, that can be just as detrimental to your psychological and emotional health.
HUGS!!!
I dont want to be a downer, but I am going to go a step further and suggest you call off the wedding for now. Counseling and postponing are great ideas...except I am scared for you. I have been in a situation very similar to yours. He only screamed at me and got angry. He never hit me, until one day he did. Unchecked anger escalates...ALWAYS. What about when you guys start a family? I grew up in a house with a lot of screaming and unhappy people...trust me on this baby girl. GET OUT!
I recently read an article in newsweek that discussed the rise in domestic abuse with the decline in the economy. Im not sure what it was titled, but please, look it up. Can you imagine how he would react if, after working 13 hours, he came home to a dirty house and you expected him to cook dinner?
A man who loves you will never make you feel bad about yourself. He will never make you feel like you have to compromise your own happiness for his self esteem. A man who loves you doesnt scare you. You deserve so much better than this. Do you have a brother? Does your daddy know that he is treating you this way? All I can offer you is my most sincere concern and hope that you know your own worth...
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I just have to say that everyone on here has it right!!! I am glad you were brave enough to post this. You are a very brave person and very strong. You just need to know you are worth it!!!!
I agree with ACountryCowgirl. Very brave of you to come and seek outside input. I wish you all the best, please let us know how it turns out.
Anger is such a powerful emotion (unfortunately not a positive one). It is possible that he is clinically depressed or have anxiety issues even especially with the trials and tribulations he is experiencing (as well as you) with the not so pleasant economic situation. Finding a job right now is tough and losing a job is tough, but this is not an excuse! It sounds like you have become his scape goat which is not good for either of you...
While it is nice to see that you are both attending counseling, it sounds like it may take quite a bit of time to solve this issue. IMO the relationship is unhealthy and volatile as it currently stands and I doubt either of you want to marry in such a situation. I think it wise to post-pone the wedding until you are both comfortable with the relationship which will allow you to better cope with other demanding "life test".
Just remember you have a supportive network here at wedding bee should you ever need to vent or need advice. Best of luck!
There is only one question you need to ask yourself to give you the answer you need:
Can I live with this, like this, for the rest of my life?
Do you want to live with this for the rest of your life? Because you can't change a person. As much as we would all like to be the one that changes a man from the way he is to the way he should ideally be. And we can't "save" or make someone else's life better. Only they can do that.
I've been in your boat so I understand and have walked in your shoes. At 20, I started a relationship with a 25 year old musician. Everybody loved him and he had a fabulous personality. After 5 years, he asked me to marry him. We rarely fought and he had no anger management issues, but I pretty much supported the both of us and he rarely worked (his "art/music" was his work...strumming a guitar on a sofa all day) and he smoke pot ALOT and I didn't. He would NOT stop no matter what ultimatums I gave him. I just didn't want that in my life. So I asked myself "Do I want to live with this, like this, for the rest of my life?" The answer was "No". No question about it. I imagined having children with this man and him sneaking off to the car in the garage to smoke a joint. Or having to leave them alone with someone who was stoned, no matter how wonderful he was. Sorry, but I made choices in my life and I chose NOT to smoke pot or do drugs. Why should I live with the repurcussions of his choices when I didn't make those choices?
Anyway, I called the wedding off. It was extremely difficult. I felt guilty about it for a long time. And I may have even moved 3,000 miles across country to get away from our shared friends, the questions and having to bump into him. (Everybody was floored by our break up, confused, felt sorry for him, tried to get us back together.) But, now, I'm getting married to a wonderful man who shares the same ideals in life that I do. Who wants the same things and equally share our responsibilities. And I can sit here, 8 years later, and say that I made the right choice. There's a reason I didn't marry him.
You may not see your reason right now, but you will later. Do what's right for you.
This must be so, so tough for you. Tough for you to even write this post. You are very brave for having done so. That said, this relationship sounds toxic as it is right now.
You really need to go with your gut on this one. Personal counseling (for you only) can help you figure out what your gut is saying if you can't do it on your own. It is a highly recommended practice to use personal counseling as an augment for couple's counseling, so please consider visiting the counselor by yourself in addition to with him. He should do the same (go without you).
If your gut is telling you that you can't live like this, then I think your instinct to postpone the wedding is the right one. I would go one step further to say what no one else is saying though: I think that if you decide you can't be in this relationship in a married sense, and that his behavior is due to character and not circumstance, then you should break up and move out. It's one thing to be in a cohabitating relationship with someone because you're not yet ready for marriage or because you don't believe in marriage, but quite another to be in a cohabitating relationship with someone who you know you can't marry, at least in their present state. Marriage is not going to change him. And postponing the marriage isn't going to change him either. Canceling the wedding and continuing to cohabit as you are won't change him either. Only he can change himself. You have to decide whether you want to wait around while and if he does that. Whether you marry him or not won't have much of an impact on that process, if he does it at all.
We all have awful life circumstances thrown at us, and how we deal with them shows the type of person we are. He may be dealing with depression, as someone else mentioned, or he may just be incapable of taking responsibility. One way to take responsibility would be for him to seek treatment for his depression, if that's what he's experiencing. So it's a good start that he's come to couple's counseling with you. It's not uncommon to have negative reactions to it like he did; change is hard, but he's making the effort and that's more than many people can say they have. Give it some time. I would talk with your counselor about doing individual sessions for both of you as well to get more to the heart of things. Let us know how things transpire, and good luck and lots of hugs to you.
You have some great advice here. And good for you for reaching out in a safe way. Too many women think all domestic discord is their own fault, and are ashamed to display anything but perfection in public.
Keep in mind that during stressful times, everyone has doubts. What I would do is save your post, with the advice, in a place where it won't be seen by others. In a week, come back to it, and see if it rings just as true. If you need to, come back a week after that. If it still feels as true when you are angry as when you are calm, postpone or cancel.
I say this honestly and with a lot of concern for you:
DTMFA
I think you know that's what you need to do, and I am worried that this situation could escalate to abuse.
The fact that you are even asking this question to a group of internet strangers and you might value our opinions over the man who says he loves you makes me think that you absolutely should not marry him.
It's okay to have doubts, and it is absolutely okay to step back and reconsider. If you are not even sure that he loves you right now, you really need to rethink your relationship. Sure, I had doubts through our engagement about our wedding planning, getting along with my in-laws, wondering if I would be a good wife, thinking about what future fights we might encounter on issues we don't agree on, etc. Some doubts are totally normal and people go through them, get married, and are perfectly happy. But the nagging doubts about whether he truly loves you, whether he treats you right or abuses you, etc...those are red flags.
You deserve a better life than this. Good luck!
You have a lot of really great advice here already.
If it were me, I would probably move on. You need to make yourself happy. I don't think I would put up with someone yelling at me. From what you have told us, it sounds like he is lacking in the patience department which is something you need in a marriage as well as when you decide to have a family.
I am glad you are reaching out to others about this and getting some support.
Anyway, good luck with the counseling and whatever you decide to do and please keep us updated!
I think if you are interested in saving this relationship, you are going to have to set up specific boundaries (perhaps with the help of your counselor) for himself and yourself. How far are you willing to stretch before you're living your life for him and not with him. If he is seriousl about saving this relationship, he will also have to set up goals for himself and for you as a couple. It's a two way street regardless of how sorry someone is feeling for himself.
First of all I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. And there's alot.
I echo what many of the other posters are saying and will offer what happened to me too.
My xh began by yelling too. He'd yell (after a few years of marriage, wasn't bad before..so think carefully b/c your guy is already doing this) and then he'd get mad, yell (a few more years later) and storm off and not come home for an hour or two. I too believed he had too much stress at work (owned his company), outside pressures, so I gave him mulligan after mulligan and just tried to be as supportive as I could.
He never changed. He too also walked out of a counselor's office when I began to suspect other areas of his life changed also. He did go back, but demanded he see the counselor alone..and he lied to her repeatedly.
These warning signs are your soul's way of saying something is seriously wrong. It's your woman's intuition. And ours is going off too for you. Something IS wrong. He's got serious issues and I don't think they'll go away. He might have a chance if he committed 100 percent to therapy but it doesn't sound like that is an option or something he wants to do. Plus he's got a child out of wedlock (your monies will go to that child via the court system and to child support), he doesn't have a job and doesn't sound like he's really looking for one actively, and claims he's getting a new one started.
There will always be issues in life. We'll always be handed a curve ball now and then. What matters is HOW you handle them when they come at you? Will you snap like a brittle tree branch does when a storm comes or will you be flexible like a willow? How he's handling these issues and how how he's treating you right now (not cooking, letting you carry the financial load by working 13 hours a day) tells me alot. These should be the HAPPIEST times of your relationship..NOT the most stressful.
I'd go talk to a counselor by myself. Ask her what she would do and get her feedback. I can only say if it were me, I wouldn't go through with it and might ask him to move out. One thing I love about T is how he reacts to stressful situations. I see instead of yelling or being mean, gentleness and compassion be the result. He is totally different from my x and trust me..that one quality makes all the difference in the world.
You're a treasure. You deserve to be treated as a treasure. Don't compromise. Don't settle. I thought I'd never meet anybody again and that love would never find me. Well sweetie, it did. And it's 100 percent better than before and more than I could imagine. The same can happen to you too! Many hugs and best wishes.
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outsideBride, there is some great advice already, so I won't repeat, but I wanted to point out one thing in your post that really struck me. You wrote that you are not even sure if he really loves you. to me (through the filter of my own experience of course) that speaks volumes. I know everyone has their tough times, but even when you're fighting it's really scary to feel that your partner doesn't love you and something I'm pretty sure I could never live with.
I'm also not sure how to interpret when you say he yells at you vs. that you fight. The two are pretty different things. Voices might get raised during a fight, but that's really different than one person being the aggressor. If your instinct is to characterize arguments as his yelling at you rather than as having a fight, it really sounds like a red flag to me. As does your description of having to sort of swallow your thoughts and feelings in order to keep the peace. Not every couple agrees on everything, and there can be some really tough times with a lot of arguing, especially if one person is feeling depressed (as he may be due to lack of job). But I personally feel that it should never come to the point where you have to hide what you're thinking or what you need.
Hmmm, this turned out to be a lot more opinionated than I intended when I started. Obviously I only know a small snapshot of your situation based on what you wrote. And when I started writing I was thinking that maybe he's going through a hard time etc. But as I re-read the details of your post, it really just doesn't sit well with me. No matter what he's going through, there's no justification for him basically taunting you into criticizing him and then blaming you. And I strongly believe that you should never, even for a second, have to question your partner's love for you. You deserve to know that you are loved, all the time, even when you are not at your best, even when you make mistakes, even if you are sometimes irritable. Always.
I cannot believe that I have had so many responses in such a short time. I want to thank you all for what I can tell are heartfelt responses.
Many of you were correct in your assessments.... He IS depressed. I have been asking him to go to counseling for months to deal with OLD anger issues, but really the biggest part of our problems has only been in the past month or so since he got depressed. He doesn't believe in medication (I am actually a physician, and even tried to explain to him HOW medication works) and he doesn't trust counselors. He is absolutely vegetative at this point, and for the past two days hasn't even come downstairs except to walk out to check the mail, and get a drink from the kitchen. I am cooking all the meals and carrying them up to him. He will admit he is depressed, but if I ask him what he wants to do or suggest anything, he says that I am pushing him. So, I am just biding my time, trying to "take care" of him, and trying to curtail all the fights since most of the arguments are about things that don't even REALLY matter. I have been telling him frequently that I love him, and that I am proud of him and that I support him. I know I cannot fix him. I emailed his mother and told her how he is doing and asked for her input/help. He may or may not get mad at me for doing so, but if it is meant to be, he will realize that I did it out of love and concern.
I really can only see two paths that this will take....
1. He will stay depressed, continue to yell and bicker, and we will break things off entirely in a big ugly explosion.
2. He will get better- either with time, counseling, medication, or support from his mother.... and perhaps appreciate what I have gone through.
It does my soul a lot of good to know that there are others out there who will listen to me and offer emotional support and guidance. The fact that I don't feel all alone in dealing with this is truly comforting.
Thank you all and may you all be blessed with many happy days.
OB-
Thanks for sharing with us. It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and that you are pretty knowledgable about the causes and possible solutions to the situation. As another physician, I wanted to add a little something that you probably are already well aware of... But, we are at as high or higher risk than other groups of failed marriages, domestic abuse, alcohol and other substance problems. I think part of it is that we feel like we should have it all together (at least on the outside), and it is hard for us to reach out for help.
You, on the other hand, have been able to let your guard down and reach out, and I think that speaks very well for your future... whatever decisions you decide to make.
And just so you know, I broke up with an emotionally unstable man when I was 34. I was really taking a leap of faith, because I had no idea if or when I'd find a good guy. Well, here I am getting married to the man of my dreams in 3 months.
Whatever happens, trust in your gut and your support people. Please update us when you can. I'm sending some positive thoughts your way!
Your situation is similar to mine. I have been in a relationship for 6 years and married for 3yrs. When we are about to get married the same situation happened. He will get mad at little things and have anger issues. I thought he will change and things will get better in time. A year after we got married, the arguements turn to verbal abuse. At times he would be the sweetest guy ever than at other times we would argue....the argument have turn to physical abuse. We had a puppy... He would get mad when my dog pees in the house. He complains that I don't know how to train the dog. He pushed me to the ground. Then said get out. He pulled my arm and drag me out the door. He apologize after that....I kept thinking things will get better I can get through it, but just last night my husband got mad at me because I cooked a crappy dinner. He started cussing and said the food taste like crap. He started yelling and say I thought I taught you how to cook the steak. He blame me for being lazy and not putting attention to the food. I was actually calm and told him I'm sorry if dinner didn't turn out right. He just kepting yelling and yelling, then I got to the point I gaved him an attitude, I said then don't eat the food. So I took the food away from him. He got the food back to the table, I took it away the second time and said I'm gonna throw it in the trash. When I did that, he pulled my hair and pushed me against the couch and hit me. I have bruises all over my body. I'm to the point that I'm trying to get out of this relationship. I'm emotionally ruined and depress. He don't admit he 's wrong. He always blames me for all the arguements and said everything is my fault. He calls me a psycho b***tch. He said I need to go to a mental hospital.
Please hold off on your wedding. I don't want you to go through what I did. You deserve someone so much better and so do I. I don't want you to be naive like me. When I was about to get married my instinct told me to get out. If your instinct is telling you that, please follow it. Seriously he's not gonna change. Things will just turn physical.
I am so sorry for your situation; it must be really difficult. I am with pretty much everyone here in believing that you should not marry this man, at least not now, and perhaps not ever.
What I am wondering is why you feel like you have to take care of him. Because at the moment, it sounds like you're doing everthing - providing the financial support, doing all the housework, bringing his meals to him in bed... I have personal experience with depression, and although I'm certainly not a doctor, in my opinion someone who really is so clinically depressed that they can't get out of bed needs professional care. By which I mean, you need to see about getting him checked into a facility. But I sort of suspect that in fact, if you weren't there to wait on him hand and foot, perhaps he would have sufficient incentive to get out of bed and do a few things. And in my experience, any kind of routine activity really helps with depression. It may be really difficult to cook, clean, and get yourself to work, but having to do all that can really keep you out of the abyss. So I don't honestly think you're doing him any real favors by taking care of him the way you are - you are really enabling him, one way or another. I also wonder if some of his behavior isn't just manipulative - if he's afraid that you're thinking about leaving him, maybe being more and more helpless is his way of making you stay.
My best recommendation would be to call off the wedding and move out. Let him know honestly that you still love him (if you think that you do) but that you simply can't live this way. Let him know that you can help him get the professional help he needs, but that you can't be his sole support any longer. And let him know that when he gets his life back together, you guys can try again. But honestly, based just on your description, it doesn't sound to me like this was the relationship that you deserve even before things got really bad. Maybe some time and distance will help you see better what you really want and need, and let you make the decisions that are best for you.
Oh, dear. To be honest, I felt a little frightened while reading. I fear that if you marry, his anger issues will escalate to something far worse than what it is now. We all deserve to marry the man of our dreams. This does not mean a "perfect" man...But one who loves, cares, helps, appreciates, adores, shares...
"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px">So, I am just biding my time, trying to "take care" of him, and trying to curtail all the fights since most of the arguments are about things that don't even REALLY matter."
Sorry, I have to disagree. What you feel - what you NEED - does indeed matter. It matters a lot. What you're essentially doing is completely and utterly ignoring your own needs in order to take care of a guy who appears to be contributing nothing to the relationship but his presence.
What you're talking about - especially the part where you apologize every time there's a problem to make peace - is the classic start to an abusive situation. Sure, he's never hit you. But the abusive guys (and women) don't typically start off as being awful. They start out as being "wonderful." Little by little, they start finding fault and criticizing more and more, until there's a firm dynamic in which one person is in control, and the other person is trying to make him/her happy. Sometimes that escalates to physical abuse. Sometimes it's "just" emotional abuse. I'm assuming you've spent a little time volunteering in the ER, correct? The women you see who come in with black eyes from their boyfriends hitting them would probably say much the same things about their boyfriends as you do about your fiance - how they're great guys who are just having some problems. Really!
I'm sure he's depressed about the fact that he's out of a job and is being supported by his fiance. But think about it - you're getting a vivid picture now of what this guy is like under pressure. What happens if you have a sick child? Or a fire burns down your home? Or you get seriously ill? Is this the person you want to have around in a crisis? Your profession is not a low-stress one - can you afford to live with a high-maintenance spouse while still remaining sane?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. But I've been there, and I got free of the situation, and I am now engaged to a marvelous guy who is still marvelous under pressure, and who values my needs alongside of his own. I thought PreviousGuy was wonderful - but I *know* that Fiance is wonderful. I have never had a conversation about him that included the line, "He's a wonderful guy, except for this one little thing...." Does he have faults? Sure. As do I. But I don't have to convince myself - or others - how terrific he is. His own behavior does that.
I know you're afraid this guy will starve and wither in a gutter if you break off the engagement and get him out of the house. He might (though I doubt it). But people often have to hit bottom before they can find it in themselves to turn their lives around. As a physician, you may have occasionally dealt with drug addicts - well, the addicts whose well-meaning loved ones never let them hit bottom typically take much, much longer to get sober (if they ever do!) than the ones who get smacked in the face with the results of their behavior. Your fiance has absolutely no incentive to try to do anything right now that would change his current situation, and while he can't fix himself alone, others can't fix him if he's unwilling to do so. He can "not believe" in counseling and meds all he wants - his opinion on both subjects might be radically different if he weren't sure where his next meal was coming from.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. You sound like a wonderful, caring woman who deserves a wonderful, caring fiance. But bringing this guy dinner is not going to turn him back into a wonderful, caring fiance, because the guy you thought he was isn't the guy he's turning out to be. Apologies for being so negative, but you really need to consider thinking for some time about what *your* needs are, and acting on those, whatever they are.
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My fiance has some anger issues. he has NEVER hit me, but yells at me sometimes. Sometime the smallest issues set him off. I apologize even when I don't really think i did anything wrong to try to make the peace. He is going through some other things now with loss of a job, difficulty in getting a new business started, my dog that doesn't like him and has bit him three times, and issues related to a child he had with a woman previously that he has no contact with (not of his own choosing) Part of me feels sorry for him and wants to be there for him, and part of me wants to tell him to man up and that he is responsible for his actions no matter what he is going through. When we fight he usually complains that I blame him for all of our problems.... but I don't think I do at all. In fact, I think I let him off the hook. I am working 13 hour days to pay for our wedding and support us while he is sitting at home all day supposedly looking for work on the internet. He does take care of the cats, but even getting him to do the dishes while I am at work is big deal. And recently, he started refusing to cook... saying that I am too critical of his food. I have never brought forth any direct criticism OTHER than if he makes something that I make, and he directly ASKS. it is like he is trying to trap me into complaining when I didn't want to complain at all. I have tried and tried and tried to reassure him that I like his cooking and want him to cook for me but he refuses. I don't know how to fix it, so I do what I always do... suck it up and cook dinner for both of us after working hard for 13 hours ... this way I get a little less than an hour before I pass out from exhaustion. We have just started couples counseling... but his attitude was terrible not even five minutes after walking out. I am not sure he loves me, and honestly at this point just wonder if he was just infatuated or looking for someone to marry/start a family with....
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