Post # 1
Let me start by saying my fiance is a wonderful man. I love him very much. But lately we have been fighting so much over every little thing. We have been dating for four years, engaged for almost one. I am 25. I am so frustrated because I feel like we both love each other and both want to be together but it just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. I used to think if you loved each other you could always work through it, that’s what love was, that’s what marriage was. But this is just beginning to seem so hard. There are some good days, but then there are some really bad days. We don’t seem to be able to talk about our issues anymore. It just seems like the same fight over and over again now and instead of constructively talking it just ends in slammed doors and tears. I’ve always loved having him by my side. I have always preferred having him around to not, but lately I’ve preferred being on my own because being with him just seems so hard and exhausting. The worst part is that I love his family so much and my family loves him. My mother tells me at least once a week that he is an amazing person and I am so lucky to have him. Why does this feel so hard then? Should I call off my engagement? I can’t postpone it I feel because we’ve already been engaged for so long. I love the idea of being married to him on the good days, but I’m scared the bad days are getting too frequent and will soon outweigh the good days. I’m starting to feel very scared about getting married. I love him so much though, what do I do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Sorry love 🙁 It sounds like you both really need to work on your communication with each other. If you think the relationship is worth saving (and it sounds like it was good before all the fighting), I would consider suggesting couple’s counseling as an alternative to a breakup. If he’s committed, he’ll do it. Good luck!
Post # 4
I second involving a counselor. They can help you in ways that books and websites just don’t have the power to. You are taking the first step by wanting to fix it. Part of the engagement is hashing out your issues. So it is ok to be feeling some of these emotions.
However, the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” really helped me understand how to fight in a healthy way. I am currently reading “The Concious Bride” to help me understand some of the emotions that have taken me by surprise. These may help you as well.
Post # 5
I am sorry you are feeling this way and I agree with the other Bees counseling is definitely in order because it will help you both get to the bottom of why you are constantly arguing. You were good before so there is something causing it. I hope you two can work it out and eventually get married because you both deserve to happy.
I send you a BIG HUG AND A PAT ON YOUR BACK …Take care
Post # 6
Don’t toss it out just yet.
What are your arguments about? How do they start and escalate?
Post # 7
@sounsure: Based on your post alone I would say don’t throw in the towel just yet. But can you share what these fights are about?
I used to think if you loved each other you could always work through it, that’s what love was, that’s what marriage was.
You are pretty much right about this. I think what you guys seems to be missing is the **WORK** part. It’s not that “We love each other, so this issue will work itself out.” That’s incorrect. It’s “We love each other and we owe it to each other to put some effort into this to make it work.” Make sense?
Of course pre-marital/couples counseling would be a huge benefit for you. But also talk to each other, not about the issues you are fighting about. But about the issue of fighting in general. “Babe, we’ve been at each other’s throats recently, and I don’t want to spend our engagement fighting and I certainly don’t want to call off the wedding. Why do you think this is happening? What can I do to help?” Make it a two-way conversation.
And going forward, if you find arguments getting heated, take a break! Cooler heads prevail. Before it gets to a point of crying and slamming doors, call a moratorium on the whole thing. Take a walk, go for a drive, read a book… whatever. You both need a chance to cool off.
Post # 8
@sounsure: I could’ve written your post 🙁 My fiance and I have been fighting soo much. The only difference is I can’t stand my fiance’s family but everything else sounded spot on. My fiance recommends we go to therapy but I don’t want to (not yet anyway.)
What do you guys fight about? My fiance and I have some pretty big fights about some pretty big things (where to live, money, etc.)
Post # 9
I had a teacher once who just celebrated his 30th anniversary and he said
some days are hard, actually, some years are hard. Some years were terrible and so many bad things happened. But that’s a marriage, that’s a relationship, it isn’t easy but we always worked on it and here we are today
Post # 10
First off, I think it depends greatly on how extreme are these arguments and what they involve.
There is no relationship that is perfect….you’ll have your ups and downs during the course of the relationship. Maybe its just a poor communication problem lately? Try talking calmly and rationally…
Post # 11
I think you just need time. All this wedding planning can stress a couple out…
Post # 12
Do you have more good times or more bad times? That’s a good indicator. Also, you don’t necessarily have to call off the engagement, but maybe stretch it out longer. There’s no shame in that.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Unfortunately, I don’t think you should be fighting this much before you’re even married. You need to learn how to talk to each other… can you imagine your life in 20 years with this man? It’s not futile but I would definitely see a counselor who can teach you how to comunicate ya know?
Post # 14
I think you should tell your fiance exactly what you’ve told us. With the exact verbage. He needs to know how you feel. If he doesn’t realize how you’re feeling, how would he know he needs to put work into the realtionship too? I’ve heard holding the person’s hand while being in an arguement really helps to connect the 2 people and helps them to resolve it in a more pleseant manner. It’s something small, but I’m sure it works wonders. I can see how just to feel the one that you’re so angry at can make you realize what you’re saying can actually hurt them, which could make you choose your words more carefully. But definitley dont throw in the towel just yet.
Post # 15
Thanks for all the encouraging words everyone. I think a lot of what is going on is the stress I’m under. I’m in law school so that on top of wedding planning on top of trying to get a business venture going is starting to wear on me I think. We’re not fighting about major issues, we fight about little things like keeping the house clean.
I know I love my fiance and as long as we’re not fighting over the three F’s (family, faith, and finances) I think we’ll be able to work through the other things.
Post # 16
When I was moving to another town to live with my fiance, we argued alot. Same thing…some nights I would be on the commuter bus DREADING my arrival home. I spoke to a counsellor and he assured me that “Fighting is communication TRYING to happen”, ie. feel happy that you’re communicating and not just walking away. I think with all things considered (cohabitating, an impending wedding, law school) the bickering is normal. I wouldn’t throw in the towel. Maybe look into a couple of counselling sessions together to help with communication styles. Another thing that we found helpful was reading “The Five Love Languages”. It sounds cheesy and they seriously need to work on their book cover graphics, but it was a great tool (and not a long read). Good luck!