Weddingbee boards

I was in a situation a lot like yours 2 weeks before my wedding.  I wasn't pregnant, but the same type of marijuana issues in the relationship. 

For the first couple years of our relationship, I had no idea he smoked at all (I've never done it).  I was probably a little naive and missed little signs, and he sure as hell wasn't going to bring it to my attention (he knew 100% I wouldn't be ok with it).

Once we moved in together, I found a baggie in the laundry and ask him about it and that was the first I ever knew of his habit.  Over the next few years, it would come up from time to time when I'd find something.  We had a lot of arguments about it, me crying, him promising to quit, saying he doesn't do it that much, etc etc. 

2 weeks before my wedding, I found out by accident (not him telling me) that he had been arrested a few months prior for possession.  We are in our 30s and professionals so being arrested for any reason isn't run of the mill stuff in our social circles.  I flipped out but went ahead with the wedding anyway because I figured it was too late to back out and I loved him.  Long story short, that was only the tip of the iceberg as far as his problems went (he's moved on to much worse things, lost his job due to it, etc) and 7 months and tens of thousands of dollars later, I'm getting divorced.

As soon as we merged finances after the wedding, his ATM withdrawals made it pretty apparent his little habit was to the tune of more than $1k a month.  I really had no idea.  He was paying his bills on time, socking away money into savings, etc the whole time.

Dig around.  Make sure you know the full extent of things if you're even considering still moving forward.  Do you share finances?  Can you get a fuller picture of how much, how often, etc?  When you're with someone who lies and sneaks, what you think you know is probably not the half of it.

They really can hide it if you spend most of the day apart.

All I can really say is go with your gut.  You probably know deep down whether or not you should marry him.  There are a lot of external factors that will make it seem like you should march forward with the wedding, but trust your intuition.

You have to assume he will stay exactly the same after the wedding and after the birth.

If he's still using at the same level, and hiding it, is that something you can live with long term?

I'm so sorry... Truth is, you told him that if he smoked again, the wedding was off, and he did not take it seriously and smoked... Now, if you don't hold on to your word, he'll probably just lay low for a while and start again, since you married him even after saying it was a dealbreaker. Unfortunately, he would have no reason to change if you go through with this...

However, you did choose to conceive with someone who you knew was a drug user, and no matter how much it bothers you, he will always be a part of your daughter's life, and, subsequently, of your life.

I think you should cancel the wedding for now; and go to counselling with him and let him try to rebuild your trust, if he's at all interested to do so. That would be a good start, and maybe later down the road you can get married if it works... I know you feel weird about starting a marriage with counselling; however you are way more committed to him than by marriage already with your child to come; and if there's any chance that you may make this work and be a happy family, you should at least give it a try. If it works, all is good, but if it doesn't, at least you will know for sure that you have tried everything in your power to make it work.

whether or not marijuana should be legal.. the fact is that it is illegal. 

and now that you have a baby on the way, it's not just about the two of you and what you want... it's also about the baby.

you don't want him setting a bad example for your child.

you don't want him getting in some sort of legal trouble while your child is around. bring a child to a drug deal? get busted? have your kid cry as she watches daddy get arrested by the cops? 

no. get out now so you don't have to deal with a divorce.

If he's actively addicted (which it sounds like he might be, otherwise why not just stop, if it's causing all this strife?), then couples counseling won't be productive.  The addiction needs to be dealt with first as it's likely CAUSING a lot of the problems in the relationship and it's not like he'll be honest and genuinely open to changing his damaging behavior.

I have nothing against couples therapy in general (even early in the marriage) but from what I've read, in some situations like addiction and abuse, it can be useless or even counterproductive.

@prettyflowers: Agreed; however if counselling can show him just how much his addiction hurts the relationship, it could trigger something in him to motivate him to stop and get help on the addiction issue.

@mommytobee: He already knows how much it hurts her, unless he's deaf and blind.  Addicts don't change until their own life becomes unmanageable.  It's not really about how they're affecting other people (even those they love).

@amnystik: Not to start a debate... But even if she does leave him, he is still the father, and might still be in a car with his daughter and get pulled over and searched... As long as he is using drugs, his daughter could be exposed, no matter if OP marries him or not.

On another note, I understand it being a dealbreaker - I would not even go on a date with someone who uses drugs or even smokes cigarettes... I mean, if something could eventually be a dealbreaker, why even start?

But, it doesn't have to impact your daughter's life... I learned at 25 years old that my father had smoked marijuana all my life and had just quit 5 years before. It was a shock. But, like OP, my mom didn't like it and asked him to quit when she became pregnant. He didn't. But they had a life and a family, and had she not found the weed, she would have never known. And he was good to her. When weighing the pros and cons, my mom realized she wanted him in her and my life. So they worked through it, became more open with each other, and my dad managed to limit his use, enough so that I never knew about it and he never used around my mom either. He eventually stopped when HE was ready for it.

I know I'm going in all sorts of directions here, I told you before what I would do in your situation, and now I'm telling you what my mother did when she was in your shoes. I'm really happy she stuck with him because he's the most awesome father one could hope for, and his mj use never affected my life.

All this to say that all is not black and white, and you need to think through it really well for your daughter's sake.

I had an ex (granted, it was in high school, but we dated for three years) who smoked weed almost every day, and definitely every weekend.  He knew how much it hurt me to know he could get caught by his parents or the police, so he told me he stopped.  He didn't stop, he just got much better at hiding it.  It was so painful to find out this one thing, a silly recreational thing, meant more to him than my security and happiness.  I know how much it hurts to have your SO lie and go behind your back when it had been understood that certain things make you unhappy.  I just can't imagine being pregnant and planning a wedding and finding out :(.  Best of luck to you.