- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
So, last April we started talking about getting married, decided to be informally engaged and started planning for our wedding for a date this June. Since it’s going to be in my hometown, he had me go ahead and and give him options for a venue, caterer, etc, and he picked them since he’s rather particular about things. I’d hoped that he would have proposed formally to me by now or given me the green light to tell my family and friends so that they could start making arrangements (he already told his family for that exact reason).
Intuitively I’ve started feeling that he was getting cold(er) feet. I say “colder” because he’s never been excited about the prospect of a wedding. He hates being in front of people, formal events and such. He’d be much happier to elope and keep going on with our peaceful, amazingly compatible life together. He has an incredibly small family (< 10) but mine is much larger and closer. My wedding is something that I’d like to celebrate wih them, particularly my aging grandparents in their 90’s.
After trying to avoid these increasing feelings of uncertainty, I finally decided that I needed to delicately broach the subject of the wedding last week. He admitted that he has concerns about getting married this summer because he’s unsure about our future financial situation given that I’m not working a full time job and have a disability (ptsd). He grew up incredibly impoverished, hungry and there were lots of fights about money so he never wants to experience that again. I understand that. What I don’t understand is how he’s making me feel.
From absolutely day one, I was upfront and honest about my situation. Although I haven’t been making much money in the last year, I don’t have any debt other than a few thousand dollars in student loans and a decent credit rating. The reason I’ve been unable to have a full time job at the moment is because I’m taking classes to change to a career that can accommodate my ptsd better. Since he lives halfway across the country and couldn’t move/leave his job, I’ve been the one flying back and forth. That was not only unconducive to having a full time job or being able to concentrate on my studies, but very expensive on my part (at a time when I’m not making much money).
He says that he can’t help feeling insecure and concerned about money, since it’s been engrained in him from an early age, but that he’ll try to work on it and move forward. I asked him how long he thought that would take and he said a couple of months.
Now, all of us on these boards know that I don’t have a couple of months left to book the photographer and other large parts of our wedding (which is being paid fully by my parents btw, so no debt there). Do I assume he’ll snap out of it when the time comes or do I cancel the wedding? I can’t gauge which would actually be right. He’s a very private person in his late 30’s with a very regimented life and often needs a bit of a kick from someone to push him out of his comfort zone and move forward. At the same time, he’s very honest about his feelings and if he is actually never going to be ready this summer, I need to accept that.
My parents will be quite unhappy (deposits) since they’re not made of money. I feel like he’s placed me in a tenuous position and it’s stressing me out. My anxiety levels from ptsd have been keeping me up most nights, but I think even without the ptsd, any bride would be feeling like me.
So what do you all suggest?
Just fyi: The reason I’m not wearing a ring at the moment is because we’re in the process of having one custom made with diamonds from our grandmothers (we’re both sentimental like that)