Should I change wedding plans to appease mom?? Long….

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

yogahhh:  Sorry to hear you’re in a bind.

Which is more important – having your mom with you at the wedding, or eloping? If you want your mom at the wedding and money is an issue for her (regardless if that is the truth or not), offer to help pay for her trip cost. Then you can call her bluff – if everything is paid for and she won’t come, then it’s an issue between her and your FI, in which case, do you really want her there?

 

With a destination wedding you can’t expect everyone to make it. And that is so weird that her 4 nights is higher than your 7 nights. When you were researching the venue, were you aware of that?

Post # 4
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

yogahhh:  Is there any way you can help out with her costs, or she can share a room with someone else? Does she have a friend she could bring along to split costs with? She could also stay at a cheaper nearby resort and just come for the wedding.

All that being said, I feel like the time for her to complain about the cost was before you booked everything. Now flights and rooms are locked in and you have a vision in mind for your day, it is a lot less considerate of her to suddenly be making a big deal about it.

Post # 5
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee

yogahhh:  No, don’t change your plans. She can fly down and back for just a couple of days, if she really wants to see you get married. Since you used the word “appease,” I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be more things that she can dissagree about, if this issue gets settled. With some people, it’s always something …

Post # 7
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

 

yogahhh:  my mom divorced when i was 16 and doesn’t have a lot of friend.  in the months leading up to my wedding, all my mom said to me was that she had no one to sit with at the wedding, no one to dance with, etc.  i told her to stop complaining and get over herself.

she would have 7 other people to sit with, our family members. and when it came time to dance at the reception.  my mom had 10 friends, half of which were also single who danced with her and all of my single friends danced with my mom.  it was a non issue that she made such a big deal out of before hand for months.

 

i know your situation is differnt.  is this just about cost, or about your mom being alone?  does she have a friend (even a close girlfriend) she could bring as her date.  i know you might not want people you don’t know, but if having one extra person to keep your mom company might make everyone happy.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Did she know you guys were looking at going to Jamaica? To be honest, it is one of the pricier islands but if she knew about it and said not to worry about costs when planning your big day, then it’s on her. She could have started pricing it out on her own or asking you approximate costs of how much it would cost for her stay. I’m sure if she asked you, you likely would’ve asked on her behalf and helped her price it out. 

I feel like with destination weddings, some people just want to know the price and they are good to go (or not go) and others don’t mind searching around for the best price or the better flight, etc. There will always be some guests that might not be able to afford or make the trip for multiple reasons. It sucks, but that’s the reality. I’m a dw bride myself so I know how it is!  

My vote is a bit biased because I don’t have a good relationship with my mom anymore, so she isn’t invited to my wedding. But I think that if you can, have a heart to heart with her about it this week. And see if there is anything you can do to make things easier on her, maybe have her split a room with someone else or stay at a nearby resort/hotel. If she wants to be there, she will find a way. 

Post # 9
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would maybe try to talk to your mom prior to dress shopping to understand expectations. Maybe she had a certain $$ in her mind, but after you booked the resort, she looked into it and maybe it was $$$ so she wasn’t fully planning for it. If your mother does not travel abroad a lot, she might not be aware of how much things cost.

I’m not really of the camp that the wedding is all YOUR day. I believe in being a good hostess and picking a location that allows all the people you want there to easily be able to make it. A destination wedding in and of itself is more for the couple, and that’s fine, you guys have your reasons for it, but recognize that with a destination wedding comes the risk of no one attending. As you will find on the bee, MOST people here compromise their dream wedding in some way – in order to also be inclusive and honoring and sensitive to their guests who do pay a lot to make their way there.  

If your mother truly is in a financial bind, I would not be resentful towards her about it. Try not to assume that she is out to ruin your day, if she loves you, that is not her intention. Parents got through a lot emotionally as well when their kids get married. Try to have a talk on the phone or in person – not over Facebook message and really try to get her to tell you what she feels. 

Post # 10
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

yogahhh:  is it possible that your mom told you to book whatever you wanted with the assumption that you would be sensitive to her financial situation? She may have said this so that she could be as supportive and in-intrusive as possible, and perhaps is now hurt because she realizes that the end result is out of her price range?

Sometimes, I think that things go unsaid for fear of intruding and/or hurting someone. I know it is not necessarily the best way of going about it, but it honestly does sound to me like she is being as supportive as possible, and then gets frustrated because her ceiling is lower than yours or lower than what she expected. 

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to her. Sit down with her over coffee and don’t lay down things from your perspective, but lay them down from hers. If you two are as close as you say, then it shouldn’t be too hard getting to the bottom of it 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

yogahhh:  Again you’re making assumptions… you’re assuming right now that your mother has negative intentions, that she’s doing this to hurt you, that she was not going to come anyway. You have got to let those assumptions go, not let them get to your head. Make another effort to talk to her in a way that is not emotional, really try to understand what is her biggest hesitation. if you can solve for it, that’s great. If you can’t, move on and try not to focus on your hurt. You are in control of your feelings and you’re getting married!!

Post # 13
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ugh, I’m sorry. That’s really frustrating. The only advice I have for you is to follow your heart. I hope everything gets sorted out!

Post # 14
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

yogahhh:  It is always more expensive per person for singles to travel alone. When you look at price quotes on websites for vacation packages,  the price is always quoted for double occupancy- the price that each of two people sharing that room will pay.

Perhaps your mother truly was shocked at the price increase when she checked the cost of a single supplement.

 

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