Should I Confront My SIL?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I confront her?
    Yes : (31 votes)
    52 %
    No : (25 votes)
    42 %
    Other (I'll leave a comment) : (4 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    559 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Wow, this is a strange situation.  I couldn’t blame your mother for wanting to know if the twins are her grandchildren.  And who your mom does or doesn’t talk to isn’t your SIL’s business AT ALL.  But unless your mom is willing to stand up to SIL, there’s nothing you can do here besides start drama.  I guess you could talk to your mom about it?  See if she’s willing to discuss SIL’s behavior with her?  Or just let it go at this point.  With the password changed, SIL will have a harder time snooping.

    Post # 3
    Member
    6644 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

     

    SerendipityBride:  So have your mom change her password.  Simple as that for the FB issue. Other than that your mom needs a backbone and stand up for herself with this woman

    Post # 4
    Member
    229 posts
    Helper bee

    Here’s my two cents:

    I would not say anything to your SIL if she’s likely to throw a fit/blow it all out of proportion. You changed your mom’s login information; that should be enough for now. Yes, she was way overstepping the boundaries of privacy, but confronting her about it now won’t change how she is and what has happened. Once she tries to log on and can’t, she will probably realize that she’s been found out, anyway. Would it really be constructive to confront her? Probably not, as there’s no logical reason to have done what she did, and she will likely only produce excuses, which would probably frustrate all of you more than actually resolving anything.

    So, no. I wouldn’t bring it up. But if your SIL brought up the password change, I would take that opportunity to tell her exactly why it was changed and what you’re feeling about it. Just… in a mature way that will minimize the drama as much as possible.

    Post # 5
    Member
    13021 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Your mom is perfectly capable of doing something if she wanted to.  I don’t think it’s your place to confront SIL.  This is between SIL and your mom and up to your mom, I dont think you can fight her battles for her.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1349 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’d unblock the other woman, and see if her message shows back up.  Would it be possible to talk to your brother?  JUst explain the whole situation to him?  Maybe he can talk some sense into her.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1950 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    No, stay out of it.  If your mom doens’t want to confront SIL then it’s not your place to confront her either, as it does not involve you.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    284 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t think you should confront your SIL, but I would definitely learn a lesson from this and not share details with your SIL that could open up an opportunity for her to indulge the snoopy side of herself again.

    That being said, obviously this is a hugely difficult situation for her. How would you feel if your DH cheated on you and ended up with two children out of it? I understand her concern, and her fear. She’s probably just trying to protect herself from what has to be a huge amount of discomfort and pain by having this thrown in her face, and while it’s wrong of her to snoop, I see where her concerns lay. That being said, it’s your and your mother’s business who you speak to, but I do hope that you choose to respect your SIL and brother’s wishes by maintaining their privacy and not opening yourselves up too much to this woman should she get in contact with you.

    Snooping is not okay, and it’s not okay of your SIL to try to control your mother’s social interactions, but I also understand where the crazy was motivated from. Obviousy they have made a lot of an effort to recover from this as a couple, and while you may wonder who your nieces/nephews/grandchildren are, it’s important to respect their wishes.

    But if she does mention the password change, I would definitely say that while you respect her privacy and her wishes regarding the issue of her husband’s illegitimate children, it’s also not appropriate to censor or observe the private communications of a full grown woman. Her lack of trust is offensive and this type of controlling behaviour will not be permitted in your family.

    Post # 10
    Member
    559 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    SerendipityBride:  It’s your mother’s decision to have or not have contact with the mother of the twins.  If you mom isn’t worried about your brother and SIL’s reaction… I’d be worried either or both would fly off the handle if they found out she was trying to prove relations.

    Honestly, I know a lot of people will say none of this is your business.  But I also understand trying to keep peace within a family.  It’s hard, especially when relationship are strained.  I think it may start drama if you try talking to your brother about this situation, but maybe try talking to him about his possible children?  But I’d avoid trying to come between your brother and his wife.

    Post # 12
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee

    Wow, your SIL sounds crazy. If it were just her being creepy and reading messages (bad enough!), then I’d let it go, but because there are potential grandchildren/nieces/nephews involved, I would go ahead and confront her. If the mother is trying to get in contact with your mom and your mom is interested in responding then your SIL shouldn’t be allowed to continue to shut that down. (For what it’s worth, if you wanted to find out the paternity, your DNA and your mom’s DNA would definitely show if your brother is the father). So what if calling her out causes ‘drama’ (she’s already causing drama anyway), people who pull stunts like that only get away with it because they trample on everyone and no one stands up to them. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    284 posts
    Helper bee

    SerendipityBride:  Just be careful that your mom isn’t used as a tool to get to your brother, there’s nothing as soft as the heart of a grandmother toward her grandchildren, and I say that with a lot of respect for grandmothers everywhere. Your SIL and brother haven’t given you much information, there could be some underlying issue that they may be trying to protect you from.

    The behaviour is of course, as I said, not appropriate, but I hope that everyone is safe and respected in this situation (including the mother of the twins and the twins!)

    Post # 15
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    SerendipityBride:  Strange situation for certain, but I honestly don’t see what good a confrontation would do…unless you just really want to get it over with and let her know how you feel about her and this whole mess….in which case, let that out…just don’t expect a big turn around from your SIL….people who ARE crazy like that, rarely change.

    Have your Mom change her password at the very least to prevent further snooping.

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