Post # 1
This is quite a long story, but I appreciate anyone taking the time to give my any advice. My husband and I have been married just under a year, together for a total of 8 years. We have never had any problems in regards to cheating, trust, or honesty until the past few months. We recently moved to a different state and in April found out we were expecting.
I decided to take a trip up north for 2 weeks to visit my family. We had never been apart for longer than 2-3 days in 8 years so this was a big change. From the day he picked me up, I knew something was different with him. He had changed in a matter of 2 weeks. He became secretive, distant, and cold. I had no idea what I had done or what was going on- I never felt so alone.
One night, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked through his phone. I found a woman’s number and text messages to her, but no replies. He asked her “So when can I take you out on a date ;)” and then sent another with a “:(” I immediately got dressed and woke him up. I asked him who she was and why he was asking someone out on a date. He explained that when he fainted at a restaurant while I was out of town (which btw, he didn’t decide to tell me until I arrived back home) she was the manager on duty and drove him to and from the hospital. He said they started talking about everything going on and how he is scared to have a baby and he didn’t want to seem weak to me. He deleted her number immediately and promised that it would never happen again, admitting that he is a “piece of sh*t”. This happened almost a month ago and there has been no contact with her at all.
Then, this past weekend I was checking my email on MY laptop when I noticed he was logged in, which was odd. I noticed a lot of replies from Craigslist. I became curious and searched through all of his mail, going back over a week. He had signed up for “dating” sites and exchanged emails with numerous people on Craigslist… even stooping so low as to send one a picture of his genitals… Most of the conversations were friendly and nothing more, but a few (which I believe were just spam bots) he talked dirty to and received no reply back. I felt absolutely disgusted and betrayed. He had chosen to stay up until 4am speaking to these people while I was sleeping upstairs.
He says he doesn’t know why he chose to do this. He thinks its because of the stress from job (which he hates), and he was looking for a change but doing it in a self destructive way unintentionally.
I thought things had been going great since the last discovery and then this.. I feel so betrayed. I feel like he cheated on me 20 times in the past month. He’s begged for my forgiveness and even went as far as deleting that entire email account, forking over passwords and such to his phone and other accounts. I just don’t know how to feel in this kind of situation. We have been together 8 years, are expecting our first child in November, and I still love him… am I doing the right thing by agreeing to forgive and work past this?
Post # 3
only you can decide if your relationship is worth saving. I would recommend counseling if you do.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. I don’t buy his excuses. My FI is stressed to the max at work and he doesn’t do what your husband is doing.
What he’s doing is disrespectful to you and your child.
Post # 4
wow that is def betrayal!! What would he have done if these people replied back?!? I think you need to discuss on a deeper level his intentions and why he did this. Good luck
Post # 5
@cherrypops79: ((HUGS)) This really sucks and, yes it is cheating, at least in my eyes it is. I am so sorry you’ve had to face this. I would recommend counseling because this is one of the most difficult issues a couple can ever face. Yes, you can forgive him and yes, you can move past this but not without some time and healing. And you’ll never forget.
Nobody deserves what he did to you. And you’re pregnant, which is a woman’s most vulnerable time of life. He destroyed your trust and betrayed you.
Also, please get tested for STD’s, because a lot of men get “quickie” sex on Craigslist, even for free. It could jeopardize your and your baby’s health.
He needs to provide you with a better explanation than just that he’s an idiot. You already know that part. He may have been feeling lonely, neglected or afraid of becoming a father. But he chose the worst way possible to act out those fears rather than coming to you and just talking about them. A lot of men have a really hard time with admitting any kind of weakness, but that is still no excuse for what he did.
I wish you all the best.
Post # 6
I agree with the PP who recommended counseling. This is something that I wouldn’t tolerate in my relationship. He might be scared of having a baby, but that’s no excuse to actively search out ads on CraigsList and send pictures of his genitals to someone. That completely skeeves me out and I would be making the first counseling appointment available to find out why the heck he’s even thinking that doing something like this would be ok.
Post # 7
@cherrypops79: I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you should definitely follow your instincts and do what you feel is best. IF you do stay with him, you should probably do some sort of couples counseling. It sounds like he needs it. If I were in your shoes, I would probably not stay in the relationship. But that may not be the right choice for you. I hope you get it all worked out! And know that you always have support from us 🙂
Post # 8
@cherrypops79: I would consider this cheating. Not only is trolling online for dates highly inappropriate while married, sending pics of his junk!? He needs to get real and man up. None of this “I’m stressed” BS.
I’d suggest counseling – both individual (for you) and couples – if you have any desire to work things out with this man. Tough situation, given you are expecting.
My thoughts are with you!
Post # 9
@Sunfire: Thank you 🙂 I suggested counseling and he doesn’t think that we need it… I think he just wants me to put it behind us and move on, he doesn’t even want me to speak about what happened. I feel like that is impossible to expect from me.
Post # 10
Yuck. This made my stomach turn just thinking about it. This IS cheating. He knows what he is doing. He’s only sorry he got caught. Saying that it is “just because he is scared of having a baby” is a piss poor excuse. Being scared of having a baby doesn’t make him weak (I think it makes one human!). Blaming that feeling for the reason he is seeking out attention from other women DOES make him weak though.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength and healing. 🙁
Post # 11
I’m so sorry that he is doing this to you. I don’t think I could let go of something like this if it would happen in my marriage, but you’re the only one that knows what decision is right for you, your husband, and your child.
I definitely think that if you guys try to work through things, you need to go to counseling together. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 12
He is out of line blaming job or baby stress – he needs to take responsibility for his own actions instead of blaming external factors. He’s obviously unhappy and acting out in a way that will destroy his relationship. He needs to go to individual counseling, and the two of you need relationship counseling to determine if your relationship has a future.
I am soooo sorry that you are in this kind of situation and wish you all the best…you are string enough for this 🙂
Post # 13
I don’t agree that your husband’s actions are an appropriate stress response, but I would at least give the benefit of the doubt that this is rooted in stress and apprehension over these major life changes. THIS DOESN’T MEAN AUTOMATICALLY FORGIVE AND FORGET. Only that I think it’s really important when facing such betrayals that you must keep as cool a head and as open a mind as possible.
Not everyone has learned appropriate coping skills and while I personally don’t think sending pictures of your boy-parts to strangers on craigslist is an appropriate way to blow off steam, if that’s all he knows how to do, then that’s what you need to deal with now, and part of dealing with it in the long term will be giving him the chance to learn healthier outlets.
Only you can decide if it’s worth trying to save the relationship. The feelings he’s feeling are normal and human, so don’t take issue with those, but the way he’s acting on them are inappropriate at best, and it’s really important that he get to the bottom of why he’s doing these things, and that you allow him to do that.
If you don’t give him the opportunity to figure out these things, then there is little chance you can rebuild the relationship— like I said, no one but you can decide if it’s even worth it to try, but if you’re going to try, you will have to give him the fighting chance.
I think you definitely need counseling, both as a couple and individually, and that it would be unwise to try and patch things up without it.
Post # 14
Is this cheating…YES! Life is full of stress factors, but that doesn’t mean you handle stress by talking to other girls and going on dating websites. You need to talk to him and figure out the root of his issues. Apologizing every time he gets caught isn’t enough.
Sorry that you are dealing with this!!!
Post # 15
OP, I feel for you. That is such a horrible thing to do to the woman you claim to love, especially while she is carrying your child. It just enrages me! Please, if you do decide to stay with him, get involved with some counseling because I don’t think it will be very easy to forget.
Post # 16
Oh my… I am so sorry… that is terrible. Especially with a baby on the way. I am just….wow…
What in the hell is he thinking? That is how he deals with stress? Really?
Well guess what..life is full of stress! Is this how he is going to deal with it all the time? He should be expressing his concerns to you, instead of sending pictures of his penis to strangers. Not cool….
Yes, its cheating.
I…. I am just not going to say anything else, because I am pissed….