Post # 1
Sorry this is very long but would appreciate some support. For those of you who followed my last thread (and those who didn’t) on my mom turning my wedding into a nightmare I am running into even more trouble with my sister. I am about 5 weeks away from the wedding and really devestated that at this point doesn’t look like either one of them will be involved in the wedding preperation/shopping or attending the wedding.
A bit of backgroun on my relationship with my sister. I am 33 she is 32, she got married at the age of 20-21 to was emotionally abusive, started using and got badly addicted to drugs and cheated on my sister on more than one occasion. This guy did not want my sister to have much contact with our family. Many abusive partners like to isolate their partners. On numerous occasions my sister left him (when he cheater on her, or forced her to work overtime to feed the drug habit), she would come to my city stay with me for a month or two and then go back to him. On one occasion she left my house in the middle of the night without even saying goodbye! Needless to say for many years my sister and I did not have much of a relationship and for most of her marriage we were not in contact. In December of 2012 my sister left her husband again (because he was cheating again!) and came to live with me. At that time I was in the process of moving in with my fiance so she lived with me for 3-4 months until we found a condo for her. I made a deal with her that she could pay 2/3 of the rent and I would cover the other 1/3 plus utilities and her cable/internet. Part of doing that was I wanted to make sure I would have a place to go to incase there was problem with FI at any point. Well somehow I ended up paying half of her rent and utilities and cable and internet because she is quite irresponsible with money.
This arrangement would be for a year so I figured that would be ok, I loved my sister and knew she went through a terrible experience and I wanted to be there for her. Besides financial support both me and my FI gave her every kind of emotional support, took her out with us often etc…
Fast forward to last October when she found a BF who happens to be an amazing guy. In November my fiance and I had a “bed bug scare” one day and on that very day because of bad wheather we also lost electricity and heat. We called my sister to say we need to come and stay over for at least a night. (Given that I was paying half of rent and all utilities I figured that would be ok for her.) Well she insisted her boyfriend of one month had to come and sleep over as well that night and wanted all of us to sleep over in a one bedroom condo. We ended up at our own place.
Long story short my sister has never really been there for me and even now after her divorce she has no changed one bit, she is very selfish and self centred and I honestly don’t think she has any love for me. She is also not too supportive of my wedding although she said she would be there, we are paying for her and her now FI to stay at the bed and breakfast for 2 nights. But lately we have been having alot of probles, most of it because of her selfishness. We got into an argument about a week ago and she told me the reason who didnt’ speak to me for all those years was not because of her ex husband it was because “I am a miserable bitch.” That comment really hurt me more than anything especially given everything I’ve done for her in the past year and a half. I didn’t speak to her for about a week but yesterday we were supposed to go shop for my wedding shoes so on Saturday I texted her thinking Iw ould be the bigger person and asked if she wanted to come shopping for my wedding shoes.
She did not respond until this morning saying given that we are in a fight it would be akward for us to go shopping for my shoes. I ended up buying my shoes anyways by myself yesterday but I figured if she is not there for me during bad times or even good why should I keep her in my life? I just find both my mom and her very very toxic and I am seriously considering cutting all ties with both of them. I don’t want her at my wedding not her and not my mom. And although it makes me really sad i think the only thing to do is cut them out of myself otherwise they will always drag me down or use me and then throw me away when they are finished….
Post # 2
HuysuzAyi33: I am soo sorry that your mom & sister are not supporting you. Your FI makes you happy and that’s all that should matter. If they can’t be supportive and even pretend to be happy for you – I say don’t invite them to the wedding. Tell them and then stop talking to them. If they make any effort to change their behavior then reconsider but I wouldn’t put up with it. You are supposed to be happy and they are bringing you down. Forget them!
Post # 3
I can understand minimizing contact with family who are selfish, immature, and hurtful….but cutting off all contact and disowning your own family members is extreme and really should only be reserved for those who are truly toxic and abusive. Is not shoe shopping really going to be the last straw that gets her uninvited from your wedding?!?!
Your sister said something nasty in the heat of an argument, and nobody forced you to pay her rent. I think you need to stop paying her rent so you feel less resentful of her crappy (but not malicious) behavior.
Post # 4
HuysuzAyi33: I’m sorry you have to be going through this. I have similar toxic relationships with my two sisters as well.
I think cutting off all contact may be a bit extreme, maybe just keep the contact to a minimum (holidays, birthdays etc). But for sure you should not be paying rent for your sister with her being so ungrateful. Honestly some people are just users. My sister was in a similar situation with an abusive husband. They seperated, thank goodness. My sister was obviously very hurt. But once she came back around hanging out with the family, she was still selfish, toxic, and even tried to steal money from my parents. Needless to say we have very minimal contact. I only ever call her to see how my nephew is doing.
I think the first step here is to stop paying for your sister. She obviously doesn’t truly appreciate the sacrifice you are making for her when she can call you a bitch. And not letting you stay in the condo for one night just because her bf was there? Ridiculous. Seriously it seems like she has some weird entitlement going on, like you owe her to be doing all these things for her. Once your not supporting her, see if she still wants to pursue a relationship with you. She may even be the one to cut you out of her life! Sometimes family members really change once the money supply is gone. I have seen it firsthand!
Post # 5
HuysuzAyi33: First stop paying her rent. It’s insane that someone in their 30s has their sister paying rent & utilities. She’s using you. After the “miserable bitch” comment I would stop doing anything for her and yes I would also limit contact with her–all communication would be on a need-to-know basis.
Ask your sister if she still wants to be a part of your wedding. If she says yes, then allow it but don’t put yourself out to accommodate her. If she says no, respect that and move on with it.
Post # 6
I agree with what Lily said about your sister having an entitlement complex. Some people are just parasites in life. They will use people to get what they want; and when they finally have it, they discard the person once they no longer have any use for them.
You’ve been there for your sister supporting her through all of her crappy decisions in life and this is how she treats you? That’s messed up.
I support having minimal contact with them for the time being. And once your mom and sister realize that they need to EARN having a place in your life by treating you respectfully, then you can open up your life to them again. Sometimes, having distance from poorly behaving family members can be a good thing.
I can speak from first-hand experience from my father. He is a class-A narcissist and has a very big problem with respecting boundaries. One day after he said something particularly uncalled for, i cut off all contact with him for about a year. Then, when he finally learned that he can’t say whatever he wants without there being consequeneces, he slowly started to act more maturely and respectfully toward me.
So it may take a while, but if you draw a line in the sand with your sister and mom and make it clear what you will and won’t put up with, things can get a lot better in the long run.
Oh, and STOP paying for your sister immediately. Stop, stop, stop. If you continue paying for her, it’s like rewarding bad behavior and she will have no incentive to change. She has to get her shit together and start paying her OWN way. Your money is yours and not hers from here on out.
Post # 7
HI Ladies and thank you all for reading my post
Vitana: My sister does have serious entitlement issues, one of the things we got into an argument about was she constantly makes negative comments about my father who is 60 and currently on disability which gives him a small fixed income. I try to help my dad out as much as I can with groceries once in a while or taking him out for a movie or dinner once in a whie and I do make sure I see him once or twice a week, because he lives alone and doesn’t have alot of friends and also who knows how much longer he’ll be around. My sister doesn’t feel the same way which is fine but she constantly makes negative comments about my dad not contributing to the wedding etc.. at which point I suggested instead of always making negative comments maybe she should lend a hand, and by that I was not referring to money, but somehow she got it in her head that I wanted money from her and went crazy.
I am sorry about your negative experience with your dad. I’ve actually cut all contact with my mom at certain points in my time because I couldn’t take her controlling and negative ways. My sister cut contact with me for years while she was married and right now I think I want to do the same. Somehow she thinks she is doing ME a favour by being in my life!
spiffanee: As of this month she will be paying her own rent and hydro, although all of that is in my name so if she didn’t i would be screwed. I will call the cable company tomorow since that’s also under my name to disconnect the services but I believe they will need one month notice 🙁
She says I am being petty and I should let her be in the wedding becasue we’re family but I dont think I want her there as if she is doing me a favour while im paying all this money for her FI and her to be there. If i don’t want her there I need to cancel the extra cottage quickly…
Lily827: She constantly acts like she is doing me a favour, a number of times she has told me she was hanging out with me on a certain day as if it was an obligation to her or a faviour to me. Ever since I see her as minimally as possible anways.
canadajane: You’re totally right that I paid for everything voluntarily and I did it with love until I started seeing how ungrateful and really truly a not nice person she is. At the time I couldn’t stop paying her rent because she had the brilliant idea to quit her job to find a better one and was unemployed for 3 months! Since the condo was under my name, she has terrible credit and wouldn’t have qualified for a place I had no choice but to keep paying the rent (my mom paid her half) until she found a job. Now she will start paying her own rent/hydro as of May 1st.
Post # 8
As an outsider, we can’t tell you whether or not you should cut your family out of your life for good — only YOU know the answer to that question. But given what you wrote, it is clear that your sister is a very selfish and immature person so I would recommend NOT sharing so much of your wedding details with her and stop expecting her to do all these wedding activities with you.
Your wedding will only be really important to you and your FI, so it actually normal for other people to not show as much enthusiasm for your wedding plans. But given how toxic your mom and sister are behaving towards you, if I were in your shoes, I would totally and completely STOP ALL wedding convos with them and just treat them as an “out of town” guest that you are not that close to. Just send them the pertinent information like date/location/time, etc. but leave everything else out and only share it with people who genuinely love and support you 110%.
Additionally, girl you need to stop supporting your sister ASAP. I understand how it was out of the kindness of your heart and your desire to see her safe that you offered to pay 1/3 of the rent, but it should NOT have been for this long. From my own experience and what I have seen around me, people who are given “free” stuff NEVER appreciate the value of it. It is only when they have to really work hard and go through the toils that they appreciate what it is they earned. Your sister’s sh*tty attitude indicates that she is an ungrateful, immature, and extremely self-centered person who feels very entitled for what she has.
People like this will never see the “error” of their ways if you continue to be a doormat and are generous/giving to them when they do not reciprocate in kind. I know this is your mother and your sister, but being family does not give free license to forget basic good manners and be a b*tch. You need some STRONG boundaries around your mother and sister, otherwise, this will be your life — where you give and give and give, and all they do is take and resent you for it.
Post # 9
HuysuzAyi33: Being someone in a similar situation (mom and sister make everything about them, I’m beneath them, etc.) and I have 100% decided that, after this wedding is over, they’re out. I love my dad more than anything, but I wont let people constantly put me down.
My line of thinking is – just because someone is family, does not mean they’re entitled to treat you like garbage. Do what you have to do to make sure you have the life you want.
Post # 10
jasonkatie2014: Thanks, I am sorry you have the same situation going on 🙁 it sucks when a person can’t depend on their family. I think at this point I need some serious distance from both of them until I can get over this feeling of hurt and resentment.
Post # 11
Here is my other Dilema ladies, can anyone make suggestions?
The condo is under my name and even though my sister has said she will pay the rent and the hydro starting May 1st my inclination is to give 2 months notice to my landlord at the end of the month and have her move out end of june and find her own place with her FI. Even though she is going to be paying rent I will still legally be responsible and after the “miserable bitch” comment I just don’t want to.
The Catch is my sister is scheduld to get married in July! and so she’s asked me to keep the partment till end of july. Should I give my two months notice or let her have the condo till after her wedding?
Given that she hasn’t even apologized for what she said and she is blaming ME for saying what she did i am inclined to just give my notice and let her fend for herself, but I don’t want to be unreasonable 🙁 any thoughts?
Post # 12
I would give the notice now. There is no reason you need to be paying for her bills. She has a fiance, let him pay for half the rent on her new Place. I would be worried that she may not pay the bills to spite you if you get in another fight.