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I'd be pretty frank with her, and say this:
"Look, I've changed the options many, many times so far because of your feedback, and frankly, I'm tired of it. I understand these are not to your taste, but it's a wedding--when you accepted, you knew that you would be playing on my terms as I did in your wedding X years ago. I hope that you can find a LBD that is rewearable for you as that was my intention. If the cost is too significant for you when you find something you like, or if being an attendant is too much because of my choices, I completely understand and give you the option to back out if you so choose. Otherwise, I'm going to ask that you please refrain from criticizing my decisions and just enjoy our friendship and the wedding itself. Thanks so much for your honesty, but I've made my decisions from here on out and hope you can respect that."
That addresses everything and I guarantee if you say it to her, she's going to be a bit speechless at first.
Good luck!
I totally agree with the above comment. Sometimes you just have to keep it real or it will ALWAYS be one thing or another.
I know that on theknot, they say you can NOT unask a BM......as someone who planned a wedding and as a current MOH, I completely disagree. Yes, it doesn't sound like you should've picked her but hey, we all make bad decisions in the excitement of wedding planning. We all make bad decisions when we're not caught up in that excitement, haha!
I ditto getting rid of her. She doesn't sound like a good friend, never mind a good BM, If you sent her a $30 Target dress and she's still complaining, come on now! $30 for a BM dress - you can't beat that!
To me, wedding pictures were the most important thing to take away with me from the wedding. I would hate it if I had that reaction "who is this person? i really can't stand her now!" I didn't have BMs so I can't completely understand but I had to make similar decisions regarding inviting family members for the same reason I just gave.
Your wedding is about you and your FI, not about her and her feelings. Cut her loose but you don't have to be mean about it. You can do it in a matter of fact way. Don't be drawn in by her saying she'll change, she won't! GL!
seriously, who would complain about wearing a LBD?! I think it's safe to say that we've all happily worn less-than-pleasant BM dresses for a good friend!
Hey bees,
Thanks for the good suggestions. I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out what to do! I've always been a confrontational person, but I feel like when you're confrontational regarding anything wedding-related, you are automatically categorized as a "bridezilla".
hm, i wonder if there is something else going on? maybe she's jealous? maybe she's going through a rough patch right now? although whatever it is, the consequences are definitely not nice and i would have been tossing and turning as well! i think it's good to talk to her about it, but if you are not a particularly confrontational person (i'm not), maybe you could bring it up to her as asking if there is anything going on, you've noticed that she hasn't really been that excited about your wedding, and that you understand it's not her #1 priority, and just wanted to check in with her.
maybe, if the conversation goes this direction, you could even offer her the option of backing out if things are bad for her right now, and that way you wouldn't be unasking her, but rather giving her an out. and for your sanity, hopefully she will either buck up and start behaving, or she will take you up on your offer and back out.
You can kick her out without actually kicking her out. Just approach her like Cinema suggested and make those points, with a strong emphasis on "You can drop out if you want to, I completely understand."
This is guaranteed to accomplish one of two things: 1) she realizes how crappy she's being and sucks it up from now on or 2) she drops out. Either way, you win. We actually did this with one of FI's groomsmen who kept complaining about the cost of everything (FI had just been a groomsmen for his wedding and spent over $2,000). He shut right up and is now totally supportive of us.
I think it's well within your right to tell her she's being unreasonable. Cinema's advice above was pretty spot on. You're not a "bridezilla" because you're picking dresses for your BMs. That kind of comes with the territory, as she should know considering she put you in something hideous. I'm sure you didn't complain to her or make her life difficult. She owes you the same respect and if you're not getting it you need to stick up for yourself. If she thinks you're going 'zilla because of that, do you really care what her opinion of you is? She's the one acting wack so her opinion doesn't count for much IMO.
I have recently gone through a similar situation. I too have a BM that I felt obligated to include in the party and I am not extremely close to anymore... or really ever. I had thought about giving her the option but I knew that she would be really hurt. I think she is the type of person who just isn't girly and doesn't get excited about things. ANYWAY!
After a lot of tossing and turning myself and talking to Mom we came up with the solution of making it a 2 step process. I first emailed her just saying pretty much "Is everythng okay? I've noticed some distance between us lately and wanted to make sure I didn't do something to upset you or is there something else going on right now with you?" something to that effect. I'm glad I shot this email first because turns out there was a lot going on with her and she took full responsibility for not being good at balancing her friendships with what else was going on. I think she would have been blindsided if I just gave her the option to not be in the weddding.
Maybe first see if something is going on and if she continues to act this way after you've reached out-- ditch the b**ch. :) Good luck!!
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Hey Hive,
I've posted before about letting my girls pick their own BM dresses, and tonight the situation with one of the BMs reached a new level. A quick background - I have 4 BMs, my sister (MOH), his sister, and 2 bffs from HS. The one causing the issues is a friend from HS, and I was in her wedding 2 years ago (I had to wear a hideous dress and it was super-tacky). I've sent out some links for different dress ideas, and BM3 shot down every dress idea I had. She even said some hurtful things like, "well it looks cheap but if that's what you're going for -". Then, I decided to go with dresses from the same company, Aria, but any style they want in a sepcific material - she hated that idea too. I recently decided to let them pick their own dresses with some parameters - black, knee-length, and taffeta/silk material. I sent tons of insipration photos (including $30 Target dress, $80 JCrew dress, $150 Nordstrom dress). This seemed to be the best option as FSIL had a black dress fitting those guidelines, and BM 2 and Sister/MOH are both excited to go on a shopping trip together lafter the holidays and start scoping it out for dresses for each of them.
Tonight, BM3 said some mean things to my sister through facebook chat (thank you, social media!) in regards to hating my decision, hoping not to spend more than $200, and that she wises we all could have agreed on something. My sister, of course, stuck up for me and said she was excited about everything. This is so frustraing, as BM3 has not paid any interest in wedding planning or any other details of our wedding. Furthermore, she won't give me any feedback about my decision.
FI thinks I should not include her in the wedding anymore. He pointed out a lot of her other shortcomings, including putting no effort into our friendship, lack of motivation for personal and professional development, and seeing me only when it's "conveienent" for her. I think it would be incredibly harsh and potentially destroy our friendship. Both of us agreed that we would likely not be friends with her + her husband within the next 5 years - she is not really a "lifelong" friend. We would look at our wedding pictures in 20 years and say, "who was that again? Why was she in our wedding?"
Before you tell me I shouldn't have asked her - it's too late. I felt obligated because I was in her wedding, and I wished I had given more thought and consideration to my choices. But what's done is done. Where do I go from here? Do I confront her and ask her what she wants, and let her decide if she wants to be in the wedding? Do I ignore it and deal with it? I feel so much negativity and frustration with the situation, and I need some hive feedback!! Help!