Should I end my engagement? Need Advice.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I actually am a little bit like your FI, and my FI is a little bit like you.

I used to say how I hated that my mom was like SO MAD at me and angry for some reason and five minutes later she would act like nothing has happened and everything is OK. FI just looked at me and said: “you are exactly the same”.

And I am, I find it hard to talk about “deep stuff”, my head just go blank and I don’t want to talk about it because, in my head, is no big deal… and really, most of the time it is not. But FI wants to talk about EVERYTHING, every little detail he needs to discuss and fix right away.

We’ve learned that we are both right and wrong. He’s learned to be patient and just hold me until I feel like talking, and I’ve learned to not keep him waiting very long.

The thing is that we WANTED to fix things, we WANTED to work through it.

You need to sit your FI down and tell him how you feel. Tell him you are willing to learn but you need to know if he is too. If he’s not, then I would end it.

Marriage won’t fix anything, you both need to work on it.

About family, you need to heal those things, if you don’t you’ll just end up bitter.

I don’t know both sides of the story, or the reasons why you broke up and his family acted like they did, but I am sure there are reasons. Fix things with your FI first, and if you decide to form a family with this guy, then you have to figure out how to make things right with his family, because they will be your family too, they seem important to your FI.


Post # 4
240 posts
Helper bee

Why not give counseling a try first?

Post # 6
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@klee13:  Honestly, I would think about what you feel you need from your marriage because chances are his family won’t change. Unfortunate, but sadly true.

Is it important to you to have a good relationship with your future in-laws?
Is it important to you have a supportive FH? How can he show his support?

I do think your FI needs to be supportive of you in order to be a good husband because part of getting married means leaving your own family and starting your own family with the person you choose. If he isn’t willing to do that you will always feel snubbed by him and you will probably start feeling resentful. 

I think counseling can do a world of help, but you both need to be willing to try it, even for just 2 or 3 sessions. Even seeing a counselor on your own may be  helpful for figuring things out… It gives you a place to process that is neutral and safe. 

Post # 8
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@klee13:  I would definitely recommend talking to someone. My MIL is awful and I wish I had started talking about it before I got married with people who were impartial (it’s hard to make any decision when you feel like people are judging you). Now I am married and my MIL is still awful and its made married life REALLY difficult, which I totally hate admitting but it helps a lot to have someone to talk with that is neutral and doesn’t make me feel like I’m an awful person.

Post # 9
2894 posts
Sugar bee

Hmmm, I wouldn’t say things are beyond repair, but reading for overall tone and compatibility, I am more on the side of “I don’t think you sound like you really want to spend your life with your SO”. 

My husband likes to work things out right in the moment when we fight, whereas I like to take space and logically and carefully build my point of view so I don’t say anything rash. He views me taking space as leaving and avoiding. I take his pushiness as a lack of caring for my needs or feelings. Also, we have compromised to where I will not leave, but he has to not interrupt or get heated when we are discussing things. 

And the thing is, we don’t tend to have the same fight twice, which is where I see a difference between what you said and what I think is something couples need to do: be able to see the other person’s perspective. 

From your posts, I feel like you love your SO, but you just aren’t happy with the idea of marrying him and spending your life with him as he is (which is unlikely to change). 


Post # 11
3584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I hope counseling works out for you.  But unless the dynamic with his family changes, i’d be running from them (and him) as fast as I could.  

Post # 13
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@klee13:  I think that’s a really brave decision to make. Good luck with everything. As hard as it is, it’s far better to make it now as opposed to after vows have been exchanged.

Post # 14
18 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d end things too.  It’s so much better to do it now than get married and then divorced.  Hopefully he’ll learn from this and put a space between his sisters and future girlfriends.  He needs to understand that he is a grown man.  Unfortunately for him, the damage is done and his family is very unlikely to change.  

Post # 15
2 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

@klee13:  I’m soo sorry that your dealing with this, but if you marry him you marry his family for vacations, birthdays holidays and every thing in between. I recently broke off my engagement because of my ex’s family. My he took up for his family instead of taking up for me, would always make excuses for them. But I told him I dont care i shouldn’t be the only one making making attempts to make it work. So I decided it wasnt enough for me, I wanted a better relationship than that with my inlaws, and a man that would choose his wife over his mom, because I was his family too. You should really sit down and talk to him, write down everything you want to say to him and ask him to help you make it better tell him how you feel. Dont be judgemental or insult them it will only hurt his feeling and you want him to see it from your point of view. Good luck girl and I hope it turns out soo much better than mine. Try talking to the head of the family whether that be his mom or dad, who ever can help pursuade the rest of the family. Good luck I couldnt get anyone to answer the phone 🙂

Post # 16
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@klee13:  I read your latest update, good luck with everything.  I do have to say, if your gut is telling you something, you should totally listen to it.  It doesn’t sound like you heart is in the relationship anymore, and you do bring up some valid concerns.  


You say you don’t want to hurt him, but honestly, its going to hurt.  There is just no making this not hurt for him, but as long as you handle it with grace and respect him during the breakup, then things will be easier for him.  

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